The Cynical Side

A Year in the Life

2012-01-06T08:25:00.000-08:00

While 2011 had its share of heart-wrending events, I wanted to remind us all of some of the ridiculousness, both awesome and awful, that helped define the past year. So in no particular order, here my favorites.

Taco Bell sued for its meat not really being meat.

I couldn’t decide if this was awesome or awful. I do think it’s hilarious that people were shocked that Taco Bell meat is not what you’d call “organic”. It’s Taco Bell – we don’t go there to get a healthy nutritious meal. We go there for its yummy, greasy, & fattening burritos, tacos general yumminess. On the awful side, Taco Bell refers to the non-meat part as “taco meat filling”, which is enough to make you cringe. My take? Ignorance is bliss.

Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes

This was awesome. Thank God for the employee at the HFPA for suggesting Ricky Gervais as host for the 2011 Golden Globes. Gervais was the first to ignore the PC bullshit & not worry about fragile celebrity egos. Some of my favorites that night:

On Cher concerts: “‘Do you want to go and see Cher?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it’s not 1975.’”
Introducing Downey: “Many of you in his room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County jail.”
His encouragement to Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner’s now-ex-fiancée: “Just don’t look at it when you touch it.”

After it was over, it was criticized for being mean, abusive, and even mildly sinister. Bitches please – there was not one comment up there that wasn’t true, and hilariously put. These are comments that I would absolutely throw around – they’re hilarious! Probably not in front of millions, but that’s the beauty of Gervais – he has the balls to do it. Tip ‘o the hat my friend.

Charlie Sheen loses his mind

It started in October of 2010 with the hotel stripper debacle, but who could know that this was just the first stop on Charlie Sheen's personal Crazy Train. Charlie’s Magical Mystery Tour truly reached its apex in the spring of 2011, when it became obvious he had officially gone batshit crazy. Some of my favorite Sheenisms from 2011:

On himself: "I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
More on himself: "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?"
On Rehab: "AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
On politics: “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
On Winning: Though we never got the details around the kerfuffle, he was definitely winning.

Anthony Weiner Tweets his Junk

Awesome, with a dose of awful. May 27, a young woman gets a picture of a man’s junk, raw and unedited. As did thousands of other avid Twitter afficinados. Almost immediately, a spokesman releases this statement: “Anthony’s accounts were obviously hacked”. Sure it was. May 30, Weiner goes on CNN stating "I was hacked. It happens to people, you move on." Of course you were Anthony. My Twitter account frequently sends out random pictures of male genetalia. May 31, we get the quote that he cannot "say with certitude" that it [the picture] is not of him. Finally on June 6, Mr. Weiner admits that yes, it was in fact his wiener. No shit. On the awful side? Ew.

The Rapture

Minister Harold Camping had us holding our collective breaths on May 21 (a few fanatics anyway), based on his prediction that the world would end that Saturday. You’d think he would’ve learned his lesson from his two prior apocolyptic predictions in 1988 and 1994, but this time he was for sure. On May 23, in an awkward press conference, he stated that 5/21 was actually a “Spiritual Rapture”, and the real one would happen on October 21. This time he was for sure for sure. Surprisingly enough, Trick-or-Treaters still flocked to the streets on Halloween in typical gleeful fashion, Rapture be damned.

The jokes surounding this huge non-event were priceless. Facebook and Twitter lit up like Christmas trees. Some great Tweets: “After Saturday, let’s pretend everyone who believed in the Rapture doesn’t exist” or “Rapture on Saturday. Most awkward church service ever on Sunday” and “Wow, Heaven looks so familiar!”. Maybe he’ll jump on the 2012 bandwagon.

Glenn Beck leaves Fox

I cried for a week. No more rants, no more chalkboard, no more crying about how mean New-Yorkers are, etc. etc.. So yes, I cried tears of joy for an entire week. Shortly after leaving Fox, in a desperate attempt to endear himself to the masses, he announced he would be producing a new children’s program, “Liberty Treehouse”. Apparently now that all the adults have realized that he is a douchebag and a lunatic, he’s taking his inane rhetoric to a younger, more niaeve audience. Much like another popular German youth group in the ‘40’s. Time to check the parental controls…

Donald Trump

From his abandoned bid to run for president, to declaring his own a GOP debate, this may be the most ridiculous figure in pop culture to date. In his first act as a potential presidential candidate, he made a complete ass of himself with his rabid pursuit of his crackpot “birther” conspiracy – actually sending investigators to Hawaii to “out” Obama as a fake American. After the mockery of that crusade had ended, he became disillusioned with the GOP candidate selection. He then announced that being the patriot he is, he would dutifully, with heavy heart, step up and take the role himself. Such a martyr that one.

He’s been in and out of the Republican party several times this year, threatening to run as an independent if the GOP didn’t give him the nomination. He actually had the audacity to put together a GOP debate where he would moderate. No conflict there. Without a doubt the Jackass of the Year award goes to Donald “The Douchebag” Trump. The sad yet hilarious thing is, he has no idea what a joke he’s become.

Best New Invention

Someone invented inhalable caffiene. We can all stop freebasing.

Excuse Me, President Perry

2011-09-10T10:32:00.000-07:00

Every day we hear some new crazy quote. Some ridiculous ideology. Some new incredulous sound byte coming from Rick Perry. We all get on Twitter, our blogs, Facebook, etc. and make our quips, rant and rave and share our opinions that collectively come down to this: Rick Perry is a nightmare waiting to happen.

It occurred to me recently that I’ve never really thought about what life would be like under Rick Perry. If, by some unthinkable happenstance, he got everything he wanted, it’s nothing short of terrifying.

To get an overview of where Mr. Perry falls on the evil-meter, here’s a list of Federal laws and programs he has called “unconstitutional” (in alpha-numeric order):

- The 17th Amendment
- Child Labor Laws
- Civil Rights Protections
- Environmental Protection Agency
- Medicaid
- Medicare
- Minimum Wage
- Public Schools
- Social Security
- Student Loans

So what are the implications, and is there be an ulterior motive behind his ideologies? Yes, and yes.

Prayer would not only be allowed, but possibly required in public schools. Would Muslim and Jewish children be forced to swear devotion to Jesus Christ? Parents would be pulling their children out of school faster than you can say “big oil”. Evolution would be presented as some crackpot theory. Then there’s that pesky little business about separation of church and state. Of course he can always fall back on his guiding principal, “it’s unconstitutional”.

If he really had his way, public schools would be a thing of the past, being unconstitutional and all.

As for higher education (assuming you somehow get your child through primary school), he has declared student aid staples such as Pell Grants and student loans, you guessed it, “unconstitutional”. He defends his position with “the government doesn’t have a role in your children’s education”. I think what he means here is the government shouldn’t have to pay for it.

So the next generation, widely uneducated, will be prime candidates for low-income jobs, crime, and poverty, further widening the class gap at a geometric rate. Which, of course, works out beautifully for his wealthy constituents. And we all know about his “no-tolerance” policy on crime. Off with their heads!

Perry has also made no bones about his avid opposition to assisting his fellow countrymen in need. In 2010, he even toyed with the idea of pulling Texas out of the Medicaid program. He gave up on the idea when the state comptroller informed him that it would bankrupt the state. That said, what effect would slashing Medicaid do to an entire nation? And yes, that photo was taken in Texas.

He has also stated that “laws protecting civil rights are unconstitutional”, except for those barring racial discrimination. So are we going to start deciding whose civil rights deserve protection and whose don’t? That seems a bit, well, unconstitutional.

Then there are his religious views, which make a strong showing in many of his policies. Personally, I think it’s nothing but a way provide logic to his insane ideologies - it‘s all “God‘s will“, not because he‘s out of his mind. If we just pray harder, our economic and social problems will get better. Along with his ridiculous policies of course. Regarding the massive oil spill in the Gulf Coast, he commented “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” – C’est la vie…

For me, the scariest of all is Perry’s stance on environmental protection, or lack thereof. Perry calls climate science “a secular carbon cult”, that invents data to prove global warming exists. Pretending global warming doesn’t exist dovetails nicely with the booming TX oil empire in his home state.

In June, Perry signed a largely symbolic bill that allows Texas companies to continue producing incandescent light bulbs banned by the EPA, as long as they are sold within the state. Additionally, Texas is the only state that has refused to put in place the EPA's new rules regulating carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases.

I mean if it was wrong, God would let someone know.

What’s Happened to Reason in America?

2011-07-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

Riddle me this, Batman - When did America lose its ability to identify delusional, sociopathic, and outright bigoted politicians?

Over the years we’ve certainly had some colorful characters make a run for the White House. Take for example Jesse Jackson. This was the man that took up the helm after the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King, and made huge strides towards improving race relations. But, in January 1984, he made the infamous “Hymietown” reference, regarding Jews in New York City. This one off-the-cuff remark instantly took him out of the running. For good.

Then we had Gary Hart, leading Democratic candidate in the 1988 election. He announced the beginning of his presidential campaign on Monday, April 13. By that Friday, he was out – completely, over an affair.

Howard Dean, a promising ‘04 candidate, was immediately booted out of the limelight because of his over-the-top speech made in IA. Nothing off-color was said, but he sounded well, a bit maniacal. He instantly became the butt of every late-night joke in the country. He dropped out from the race a month later, having lost all credibility.

David Duke was run out on a rail in ‘88 when it was discovered he had been a Grand Wizard of the KKK – and rightfully so. Racial intolerance is anathema to the American voter – right?

So certainly, America has shown it’s intolerance of immoral, off-color, even over-enthusiastic candidates. So what the hell is going on? How did people like this become a viable option? Let’s take a look at the biggest basketweavers on the market:

Allen West. Of course the most recent blunder was the Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “act-like-a-lady” email. But if you dig a little deeper you’ll find a host of disturbing ideology. West was kicked out the army for unnecessary violence. He compares himself to an escaped slave. He has referred to women as “oral relief stations”, and has made public racial slurs against his Muslim colleagues. Most recently, he had “Citizen’s for National Security”, an anti-Muslim organization, speak on Capitol Hill about Muslim propaganda hidden in children’s textbooks, among other delusions.

Rick Perry of Texas has actually alluded to seceding from the union if Obama doesn’t quit his meddling. He seeks national security council from Andrew McCarthy, a man who claims that the “Modern Hard Left” and Muslim extremists are working together to destroy Western civilization.

And then of course, there is Michele Bachmann. Her main shortcomings? Ignorance and insantiy. On the ignorance side, she was unable to identify where the civil war started – twice. She claims the authors of our founding documents were fighting against slavery (hell, many of them OWNED slaves). And then getting NH confused with MA while speaking to New Hampshire conservatives. Apparently they don’t have top-notch education on her planet.

On the insanity side, the most hyped issue is her severe homophobia – the cornerstone of her agenda. Of course we’ve all heard about her husband’s re-education therapy for gays. It’s funny how the phrases “Re-education Center” and “Internment Camp” are almost interchangeable. She asserted that she was “attacked” in a bathroom by two angry lesbians, one of which was a 5’ tall ex-nun wanting to talk about theology. She fasts, she hears God telling her to do things, she hides in bushes to spy on people… It goes on and on and on.

So here’s my issue. We have had more than a few presidential candidates kicked to the curb due to anything from slurs to adultery to outright racism. 8 years ago anyone of these idiots would have been laughed off the podium, followed by weeks of late-night comedy. Those of us old enough remember Gary Hart like it was yesterday, and who could ever not take the time to make fun of Jackson’s “Hymietown” remark?

Yet here we are in 2011, with a GOP candidate list that could’ve been taken straight from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. Am I the only one to see this? Bachmann, the craziest of the crazies is actually leading in polls. She is the butt of thousands of jokes. But how the hell has she managed to raise $4.2 million? Obviously she appeals to more than a few Americans.

We’ve always had crazy candidates trying to make their crazy marks on American history – that doesn’t surprise me. What I find alarming is that America seems to be the one gone bat-shit crazy. Americans are the ones buying this shit. When did bat-shit crazy public figures stop being late-night fodder, and become viable presidential candidates? Is this what our post-9/11 country looks like? If that’s the case, the terrorists really did win – we’re destroying ourselves. They were just the catalyst.

Best Tweets of the Week

2011-05-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

I love Twitter - so much stupidity, so little time. Every once in a while though, you get some gems.

Dogs riding ponies, rhinos & unicorns? It must be a Senate hearing on Big Oil. - Huffington Post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/big-oil-tax-breaks-debate_n_861511.html

God bless those zany Texans.

Osama bin Laden to al-Qaeda: 'Don't bother assassinating Joe Biden' – Telegraph Blogs http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tobyharnden/100087782/osama-bin-laden-to-al-qaeda-dont-bother-assassinating-joe-biden/

Poor Joe – always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

EPA: Chicago River Must Be Clean Enough For Swimming
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/chicago-river-must-be-cle_n_861559.html

Now that’s funny.

Rewriting History - Huckabee Style

2011-05-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

You have to check out this "cartoon" that Mike Huckabee has produced to ahem, educate, today's youth. Mr. Huckabee (shown here with his favorite handpuppet) has launched a new initiative designed to give our misguided youth a more positive outlook on the motherland, called "Learn Our History". Per Huckabee, "America's youth aren't excited about our past because they're being taught history in a way that minimizes what has made America a beacon of hope around the world for over 200 years. Instead, history lessons today often focus on America's faults,". Faults? What faults?

With excerpts like "Show those Germans and Japanese the power of America." and "You can see that every American pulled together to win this war. Even the gals were in on it. You go, girl.", it almost reads like a "Handbook for the Mondern Militia Man".

My personal favorite is the Regan piece. Apparently he was sent to us by God - I had no idea! Apparently Reganomics was nothing less than a gift from The Almighty himself.

This is just so awful - a must see.

Support for the Under-Appreciated Homophobe

2011-04-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

As we all know, bullying has been getting a lot of media attention as of late. Horrible stories of children being beaten, verbally abused and openly humiliated by their peers are making headline news. And it’s about friggin’ time in my opinion. Adults around the country are horrified by these stories and condemn them openly – you’d be a monster not to, right?. Apparently however, The Christian right has identified a group of kids and young adults who have it coming.

Today, students across the country will take a vow of silence to protest anti-gay bullying and harassment in schools. The Day of Silence, an annual event organized by GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network), is meant to draw attention to the "silencing effects" of anti-gay harassment and name-calling in schools and to be a way for students to show their solidarity with students who have been bullied.

But thank God for the religious right for being the voice of reason. Not only are the protesting the Day of Silence, they are calling for boycotts on schools that are allowing students to participate. The most egregious of them all, “Focus on the Family”, launched a counter-attack called "Day of Dialougue". This “social awareness” event tells students to tell their classmates “what the Bible really says”. They have actually designed “conversation cards” to arm these students against the big bad gay kids and even their gay-perceived peers. I hate those effeminate little punks, being all "well-dressed" and such. It's an affront to God I tell you.

The "Day of Dialogue," with its playful logo and friendly marketing materials is meant to help "people who messed up sexually." per Jeff Johnston, an “ex-gay” activist. Candi Chushman, FOTF education analyst calls it “homosexuality lessons”. They are also claiming that these anti-gay bullying events are actually a form of undercover “homosexual indoctrination”. Those gays are so sneaky! They’ve been after me for years with their so-called messages of “love” and “tolerance”. Bastards.

Another absurd claim these activists often add is that anti-bullying programs that include the recognition of anti-gay bullying amount to "special rights" for LGBT students, leading to what Cushman calls "reverse discrimination" against Christian students. Um, so they should be bullied just as much as the God-abiding straight kids? One of the organization’s leaders went so far as to say anti-gay bullying programs are a "homo-fascist tactic to stifle any dissent". Homo-fascist. Yikes.

In order to protect their little homophobe prodigies with baseball bats, religious right leaders have claimed that the gay rights movement, and young gay people themselves, are responsible for anti-gay harassment and the high suicide rate among gay youth. According to The Family Research Council's Tony Perkins, gay teens may be led to suicide because they "recognize intuitively that their same-sex attractions are abnormal." Surely it can’t be the endless harassment and constant humiliation from their peers and religious fanatics.

That would be just silly.

Jackass of the Week

2011-04-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

In order to stay current with the intellectually-challenged, I'm introducing "Jackass of the Week". Just a microcosm of the dumbassedry alive in the world today. How fitting that Glenn Beck is my first guest!

Snakes Enter Next Phase of Invasion

2011-04-01T06:48:00.000-07:00

Many have mocked, many have scoffed, but it appears there may be some credence to my claim that snakes are in fact, planning to take over the world.

I first raised the alarm in April of 2009 of this disturbing trend, in "Here's a Conspiracy For You". I cited the alarming increase of the python infestation in Florida, as well as an incident in Australia that was somewhat disarming. September of the same year in "Not To Say I Told You So...", I wrote about a startling recent influx of the Rock Python - a much more aggressive breed. I now have two words for you – Egyptian Cobra.

On Friday, March 25, an Egyptian Cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo.

There are many theories how this icon of evil escaped its less-than-friendly confines at the Bronx Zoo. I however have no doubts about the specifics around the so-called “escape”.

As you may recall, pythons have been known to travel distances of up to 43 miles in their lifetimes. With 1,200 miles to New York, it would take less than two months for a snake and it’s progeny to hit paydirt.

So it appears that the Cobra, aided by her minions, has been set free to lead her followers in the final assault against mankind. As we speak, the invertebrates of the world are rallying around their leader, planning for the inevitable.

The zoo is now claiming the snake has been recovered, but I’m not buying it. Obviously, the snakes have gotten to the press.

The leader of the coming apocalypse is still out there, planning.

Technology At Its Worst

2011-02-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

In researching my last post on “Smuggle Truck”, I came across a myriad of wonderful, absolutely awful iPhone apps. It is boggles my mind that this revolutionary technology is being used in such useless, asinine ways. Here are my personal favorites, but there are many, many more out there. I did this in a countdown format to build the excitement...

7. iStrip Pen

This app mimics the same idea behind those risqué, “turn the pen upside down to see a naked lady” novelty pens from the 60’s. The upside? There isn’t one. It costs 99 cents, the graphics are terrible and, this being an official app, it of course features no nudity.

You can probably go down to your local tourist trap souvenir shop and get yourself the real novelty pen for half the price. You might even get to see some skin.

6. iKissMe

Per the developer, "No matter what your love life brings to the table, you will have a big soft pair of lips to kiss whenever you want!" Really?
Dial your preferred kiss type, and iKissMe will reward you with a kiss sound effect when you, yes, kiss your beloved iPhone. And then you have to call it “Precious” or it gets jealous.

To again quote the developer's description, "iKissMe is a great way to practice your kissing skills, or just to bring you up when you're feeling down." For $4.99.

My heart goes out to anyone who finds succor in this app - it's multi-touch narcissistic osculatorial masturbation is at best, unsettling.

5. That’s What She Said

Let’s be honest, we have all chuckled at Michael Scott using this witty comeback in many episodes of “The Office”. At one point this was funny. It still is funny in very small doses. But let’s be honest – anyone buying this app has no intentions of using it in small doses.

I can see the appeal. You’re in the middle of a meeting and your boss sets you up, but you don’t want to be caught saying TWSS. So you press the button and now everyone is giggling, except your boss, who is wondering who said it. Oh yeah, it’s the jackass with the iPhone in his hand.

4. Taxi Hold ‘em

This is a simple application that makes a loud whistling sound and displays an epilepsy-inducing taxi sign to get the attention of nearby cabbies. Of course, it’s a free app, so no harm done, right?

So I imagined myself in Chicago, getting off the subway, and hailing a cab in Ford Heights. I know what you’re thinking - cabbies don’t go to Ford Heights! For purposes of this illustration, let’s pretend they do. I don’t see any cabs (surprisingly), so I take out my trusty iPhone, turn on the bright yellow flashing iPhone which whistles and buzzes, and wave it around in the air.

I don’t think I’ll get the ride I was expecting.

3. Baby Shaker

Baby Shaker turns the revolutionary iPhone motion sensors into a way for the user to torture and silence an animated crying infant on the screen.

One look at the screenshot tells it all. This is just plain awful - and I thought I was a cynical bitch…

2. Hold On!

This application bills itself as one of the ultimate productivity increasers. You press the button and a timer keeps track of how long you keep your finger in place. Huh?

1. HangTime

Flying into first place for the most asinine app of the bunch, HangTime measures just how high you can throw your fancy-schmancy iPhone. That's right: You toss the iPhone up in the air, and the program lets you know how far it goes and how long it takes to come crashing down.

HangTime runs 99 cents, plus the cost of buying a new iPhone when yours inevitably shatters on the ground. WTF?

I probably shouldn't find this funny, but...

2011-02-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

For any of us who have iPhones, iTouch, Android, etc., we know the pains of app addiction. I myself have downloaded and deleted more useless apps than I can count. Some are extremely useful, some a lot of fun, and many that are completely useless. This app however, is completely ridiculous.

“TUCSON, Arizona (Reuters) – A controversial iPod and iPad application that makes a game of the perils of sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border has sparked controversy among activists for immigrant rights.

In the game "Smuggle Truck," which is due for release next month, a truck bounces along a cartoon desert highway and sheds men, women and children as it hits bumps and hops over creeks and canyons. The aim of the app is to keep immigrants in the bed of the truck as they speed through the border lands.”. It’s so hilariously awful!

I am not even kidding. I read this and actually laughed out loud at my desk. How ridiculous is that?! Of course immigration activists are all up in arms about it, and I suppose with good reason. Each year hundreds of thousands are arrested as they try to sneak across the border from Mexico, and worse hundreds perish making the trip.

But you have to love the developer’s response to the criticism: "Smuggle Truck was inspired by the frustration our friends have experienced in trying to immigrate to the United States," Smuggle Truck's developer, Boston-based firm Owlchemy Labs, said in a statement posted online. "With such a troublesome issue being largely avoided in popular media, especially video games, we felt the best way to criticize it was with an interactive satire," it added.

Oh, so it’s a “political statement”, is that it? I gotta’ call bullshit.

When I Thought it Couldn't Get Any Worse...

2010-12-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

I’m not usually one to harp, but Sarah, you really do drive me to the brink. Not only is she anti-environment, a homophobe, and all-around bitch, she has some very “unique” views on women’s rights.

In her recent book “America by Heart”, Palin clearly expresses disdain for contemporary feminism. In a bizarre leap devoid of logic, she concludes that modern feminism requires women to be dependent on government (of course). She describes modern feminism “Instead of being seen as fully capable of taking care of ourselves, we began to be portrayed as in constant need of protection. In the new feminist vision of America, women are perceived as constant victims of beatings by their husbands, date rape by their boyfriends, and self-induced starvation by society as a whole.”

Really?! Is that how she “perceives” the modern woman? Constant victims who practice self-induced starvation? Gee, there’s someone I want protecting women’s rights in Washington. We’re just poor fragile flowers helpless at the hands of our maniacal male overlords. This bothers me at so many levels I wouldn’t know where to start.

What planet is she living on? And of course, we can blame the liberals for this supposed “perception” of women today. What this woman will say to forward her preposterous political agenda is sickening.

She goes on to smear “liberal feminists” for “trying to convince American women that we are all victims in need of rescue by big government.” Wow - I would never have seen that opinion coming… She then cites a 1993 report which found that Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for domestic violence toward women. Palin claims that the report was false, based on her own “extensive experience” watching the Super Bowl in the presence of men, and claims the entire report to me nothing more than “a myth.” She states “These manipulations (of domestic violence statistics) do more than just serve the big-government agenda of liberal feminists; they serve the anti-woman agendas of tyrannical regimes everywhere.” Of course she does not back up her claim with any data to support this. And who the hell are these “tyrannical regimes”? Liberal women? If that’s the case, I need to start building an army and declare myself supreme ruler. That’s tyrannical regimes do right?

The only other mention in her book about domestic violence in her book is how appalled she is with how Muslim societies treat their women. Way to build bridges, Sarah. And of course, nothing like that ever happens here.
Here’s the most disgusting example of her complete indifference to women’s rights. As Mayor of Wasilla, Palin had approved city budgets stipulating that rape victims be made responsible for the costs of police rape kits collecting DNA evidence against accused rapists. How a woman who could foster such despicable ideology was chosen to represent the GOP in a federal election is disturbing at best.

Every time this woman opens her mouth more bile pours out. I’m sooooo hoping for a hunting accident in the near future.

Death Toll Rises

2010-12-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

Not even kidding - just saw an article saying the "serial shark" has been linked to a third victim. The carnage, oh the humanity!

SyFy Channel Smells a Winner!

2010-12-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

I came across this story by pure chance, and just couldn’t pass it up. While the main story is tragic, the details surrounding it are just ridiculous.

It’s July 4th weekend in a sleepy little town in Maine, and a safety-minded sheriff and a money-grubbing mayor butt heads on how to handle a recent shark attack. Bureaucracy wins the day, and low and behold someone else becomes human tartar for one of our aquatic neighbors. Panic ensues, slaps are thrown, and inebriated fishermen start bringing in dead sharks by the boatload. The Mayor declares the crisis over and everyone back in the water! And then, you guessed it, more human tartar.

Sound familiar? Fast forward to 12/1/10, Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt. Over the course of two days four tourists were mauled off the coast of a world-renowned snorkeling and diving center, heading into peak season. So the government leapt into action. They closed the beaches for two days, killed two sharks, and sounded the all clear. True to fiction, within 24 hours a woman was killed by a shark while standing in chest-deep water.

The Government’s response? "We did some efforts last week but I think we failed," Salem Saleh, director of the town's Tourism Authority told TIME on Monday. So, you “did some efforts” and “think you failed”? Maybe I’m just slow, but the mangled remains of a German tourist would probably sate my need for further investigation.

When it starts to get a little weird is when investigators determined that the same shark was behind two of the killings – now dubbed the “serial shark” (of course). Apparently, unless you’re in a blockbuster movie and know someone named Quint, this NEVER happens. I wonder if they’ll give him a nickname like “The Red Sea Slasher”, or “The Red Resort Ripper”.

I mean what’s next?! Sharks in Venice? Can you imagine how awful that would be? With all the water and channels and those cute little boats… What a great movie concept! I could ask Stephen Baldwin to star and… wait, never mind.

Egypt has closed the beaches indefinitely. This of course has all the local merchants up in arms. "We're not selling masks or any flippers because the beach is closed," says Bishoy Boutros, whose inventory includes a T-shirt that reads "How 'Bout Lunch?" emblazoned over the picture of a giant shark. Because that’s not inappropriate at all.

Local explanations for the shark surge vary wildly, citing everything from climate change to the de rigueur blaming of all local calamities on alleged Israeli plots. Those Jews are tricky that way, with their trained sharks and everything. My favorite however is the sheep hypothesis. Last month, Muslims celebrated Islam's Feast of the Sacrifice, during which it is traditional for each family to slaughter a sheep - and the extra demand requires that many more sheep are imported. Ships transporting sheep were discovered to have dumped carcasses in the area, possibly drawing sharks to the area.

Perhaps it’s time to retire the ‘ole sheep slaughtering tradition, and stick with lamb chops.

Glenn Beck - Showing us the "Real" Truth

2010-12-02T13:13:00.001-08:00

Thank God for Glen Beck for showing us the light. Apparently, the impoverished citizens of our country aren’t really poor. They are just greedy bastards trying to get free shit. He has debunked the vast conspiracy that the poor and homeless are really poor and homeless. Evidently they have chosen a life of scrounging food for their children, watching their homes go into foreclosure, and sleeping in the streets.

Who is this asshole? What is he thinking? According to Beck, “When you get things for free you don’t appreciate them.” and “We shouldn’t begrudge millionaires or billionaires.”

So by his logic, those in dire need of public aid don’t appreciate it, and therefore shouldn’t get it. They just get their welfare checks, and giggle all the way to bank because they have pulled one over on the government. Really?! Is he aware that the poverty level is expected to reach at or near 15% of the population, and 20% of children will be living in poverty? Is he aware that in some parts of the country 1 out of 78 homes are facing foreclosure? It’s funny how these facts weren’t mentioned in his verbal manifesto. I wonder if he enjoys living in a crazy right-wing fantasy world like something out of a dystopian novel.

Then again, why shouldn’t he defend the rich? In April 2010, Forbes calculated Beck's earnings for the previous year (March 2009 - March 2010) to be $32 million. This jackass lives in a 6-bed, 7-bath, 6,346 sq ft mansion purchased for $4.25M, according to public records. I mean look at this place! Who the hell is he to even have an opinion on the subject?

Beck goes on to attack this “plague on society” - “We’re often told about the plight of the poor in America, and there is poverty in America, but let’s put it into perspective here. The poor in America 97% of them have television sets, 25% of those television sets are big screens. That’s poverty? 89% have a microwave. 80% have an air conditioning unit. 73% of the poor in America have a car. 64% have a washer. 57% of them have a dryer.” He goes on to say “I got news for you in other countries they’re not washing their clothes and sitting in air conditioning watching their big screen TV’s. They’re dying. That is poor.”

Luxuries like hair dryers and washers – these people should be ashamed of themselves! So what is he saying go big or go home? If you’re going to be poor you had better be living in a cardboard box? The nerve of these people, washing their clothes and not dying…

Two million Americans are set to lose their unemployment benefits by Christmas, while Glenn Beck tells us why millionaires and billionaires deserve more tax cuts. America is on pace for a record increase in poverty. According to Glenn, however, they’re just faking.

Merry fucking Christmas, asshole.

Evolution Gone Horribly Wrong

2010-11-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine sent me these disturbing photos illustrating some alarming similarities between some of pop culture’s most infamous characters and their eerily similar look-alikes. Some paleontologists are calling this “irrefutable evidence” that evolutionary mutations are in fact a reality, and in some cases still haunt the human race today.

In this photo we see Hillary Clinton next to a Velociraptor, long thought to have died out during the Cretaceous period. However we see here a striking similarity between the two, particularly in the attack position seen here in both photos. Considering this new evidence of Mrs. Clinton’s apparent ancestors, we can now begin to understand the analagous behavior patterns.

While purported to be fictional, this picture of “Chucky” of Hollywood fame bears an uncanny resemblance to American Idol’s Clay Aiken. Mr. Aiken, long thought to be a shy & retiring “cub” of the gay community, apparently has quite anefarious family history. This disquieting likeness begs the question, what really happened after “Bride of Chucky” ended production? Disturbing.

This next comparison shows Michael Jackson, long known as “The King of Pop”, next to a bust of an Egyptian pharaoh. Could it be that Michael Jackson was the descendant of this ancient king/god? Note the inimitable semblance, particularly in the nose. Both are grossly deformed, & both appear to be wearing copious amounts of cosmetics. It certainly gives one pause.

Lastly, we have Flava Flav and “Stripe” from the popular eighties film “Gremlins”. Again though "professed" to be fictional, Stripe was an extremely violent and angry little monster, not unlike Flava Flav himself. Was Stripe really fictional, or could this be, dare I say it, the creature directly responsible for Mr. Flav’s very being? The likeness, particularly in the teeth, certainly begs the question. This could actually be the creature responsible for the horror, otherwise known as “Flavor of Love”.

Evil, it seems, continues to persevere.

A whole new level...

2010-05-25T15:48:00.001-07:00

First of all, please let me apologize for my absence. I just made a huge move accross the country and have had my hands a bit full. The good news is, how much crap has happened in the meantime to make fun of.

So this post I'm dedicating to Playboy and their innovative new marketing ploy - tits in 3-D. That's right, as of May 11 you can now see huge centerfold boobs floating in the air in front of you. The magazine comes prepackaged with a set of those cheesy red and blue paper glasses to make all of your masturbatory dreams come true.

I'm just picturing this scenario - some loser, eating Cheetos, sporting orange genetalia and a pair of 3D glasses, in a beanbag, with a copy of Playboy. Yikes.

Ick even.

Like porn isn't seedy enough, Playboy feels the need to up the ante with floating nipples. I'm just picturing beanbag guy grabbing at the air like someone who just had a flash go off in his face.

I mean I get it - I understand porn has it's uses. But this seems a bit much - it's like marajiuana, the nefarious "gateway drug". What's next?! It's madness I tell you - madness!

So ladies, if you see those glasses at your man's house, be warned... And check the pantry for Cheetos.

Oh, Canada...

2010-02-13T18:06:00.000-08:00

So the Olympics have finally begun - yay! Canada, sadly, doesn't have nearly as many ridiculable qualities as China. However after watching the opening ceremonies, I'm beginning to wonder.

Don't get me wrong - I have Canadian friends, I love their health care system, and the people there are as friendly as they come. I love our "Neighbors to the North" as Canadians are so fondly known in the U.S., no matter what South Park says.

But those opening ceremonies - yikes. And I know, "if you don't have anything nice to say..." but what's the fun in that? My answer to that? "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me".

First of all, I now know who stole that polar bear off my lawn around Christmas. I was horrified to see it brought out in all it's glory at the opening ceremonies. And now the poor thing is being dismantled somewhere in British Columbia like so much garbage. Oh, the humanity! I'm seriously thinking about putting together a rescue mission to bring him back to his homeland. Bring him home roam free in the wilds of Springville, UT.

The other thing I want to know is how Frodo Baggins got put in a harness and then flown around the stadium. He looked so confused! I really felt sorry for the little guy. Apparently his search for the ring has gone horribly wrong, and he has been captured by some creative director in Vancouver - he just didn't have a chance...

There were definitely some cool moments - the whales across the floor were amazing, and I always appreciate the recognition of native peoples. Even if those 50' statues were a little scary... And K.D. Lang did an amazing job with "Hallelujah" - a beautiful song. Unfortunately, for the first half I thought I was watching Michael Bublé.

My girl Sarah McLaughlin sang - those of you who know me are acutely aware of my undying worship of this amazing singer/songwriter. But "Ordinary Miracle"? I just kept thinking of that cheesy CVS commercial and feminine hygiene products. God bless her.

But let us look at the pièce de résistance, the lighting of the Olympic torch! All I can say is wow, how embarrassing. One of the 4 arms that was supposed to comprise the 5 part phallic symbol that was to comprise the torch, well, broke. I'm just picturing some ex-lumberjack in a plaid, ear-flapped hat cranking wildly in vain, now forever marked as they guy who fucked up the Olympics. It's ok bro, we all make mistakes - though usually not in front of hundreds of millions of people.

The Parade of Nations was fabulous as usual - booing all the commies (and France) and cheering on our national heroes. Some of those outfits though - yikes. Shame on you Czech Republic! Check out the pants on these guys. I think I dated a body builder who had a pair these in 1991.

Overall, kudos Canada. For the most part, there's nothing not to like. It's a beautiful country with wonderful people, who didn't feel the need to spend the GNP of South America to open the Olympics. And that's okay, we still love you.

But I'm coming for my bear.

Scary Sights and Dark Secrets

2010-02-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, I stumbled upon a scene that has been burned into my memory, filed under "Thing's I'd Like to Unsee". It started innocently enough, 3rd or so date with a relatively cute guy, Ravinia, copious amounts of wine...

However, after he "ssshhhhh'd" me for singing to the radio, insinuated my home town was a Mecca for white trash, and then brought me back to his place for a review of his porno collection (which he'd "conveniently" left out), I'd had about enough. So after patiently waiting in this douchebag's living room for him to shower and change for two hours, I got a anxious. So I wandered down the hall figuring he MUST be almost ready. That's when I saw this guy, door wide open, butt-ass naked, and well how do I say it... Trimming the verge?

Needless to say I was mortified, and quietly backed down the hall. I then curled into the fetal position and went to my happy place, wondering if there was a way to surgically remove memories.

Much to my surprise, there is actually a name for this - "Manscaping". And evidently it is a little known part male hygiene rituals around the globe. I can't believe this is the first I'm hearing about this! Am I the only chick not in the know?

I mean it's a well known fact that us ladies are known, even expected to keep our business in order, but I never guessed this was a priority for members of the opposite sex.

According to my source however (who will not be named, as I fear for his safety), ther is another, darker motive behind this ritual. It's like this ladies - your prize roses look a lot bigger when you keep the grass cut.

We are being duped! That's right, that well hung hottie you're so proud of is nothing but smoke and mirrors (and hair clippers). Ah, hell. Maybe I should give them credit for taking an interest in enhancing their assets. Lord knows women shell out billions every year to do just the same thing. But at least were out in the open about it... Who knew?

At least now I know the truth - 8 in inches my ass...

Why I'll be Shopping at Target

2009-09-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

Something is rotten in the state of North Carolina, or at least in Forsyth County. Apparently the number of cases of Syphilis has actually trippled in this area since January.

In an effort to stamp out the scourge, health workers from that county spent a recent weekend canvassing neighborhoods, asking people to get tested for syphilis and HIV in exchange for a $10 Walmart and McDonald's gift cards. And here I thought Walmart didn't care.

Pundits are blaming it on the recession - I guess if people can't work, they screw. Icky.

My advice? If your looking to meet that special someone, I'd steer clear of Walmart. And anyone sporting Wrangler jeans and a Carolina Panthers t-shirt.

And these guys too for that matter. That whole pic just screams venereal disease.

I know where I won't be going on my next vacation...

Not to Say I Told You So...

2009-09-24T09:33:00.001-07:00

More bad news on the coming Apocalypse. You may recall my previous post "Here's a Conspiracy For You", which outlined the terrorist plot of snakes around the world trying to take over.

Six African rock pythons, an aggressive species that can grow up to 20 feet long, have been discovered in Florida since 2002, including a pregnant female and two hatchlings. Large and vicious, African rock pythons are known to eat alligators and to humans. There's a new sheriff in town, and it makes Wyatt Earp look like Tinkerbell.

With the addition of the African rock python, Florida is now playing host to three non-native constrictors, including the Burmese python and the boa constrictor. While the Burmese python and boa constrictor are considered fairly mild mannered unless they are hungry, African rock pythons are said to exist in a permanent bad mood and will strike with little provocation. Oh, and females lay about 100 egg at a time. These animals have been found with everything from alligators to adult human males in their stomachs. And apparently, they've set their sights on North America. I mean, look at that thing!

What kills me are these people who continue to breed and nurture what seems to be evolving into one of The Four Horsemen. Last week, authorities seized a 400-pound, 18-foot-long Burmese python from a home near Lake Apopka. The giant snake belonged to the brother of Melvin Cheever, who began caring for it after his sibling moved out of state. He said he had fed the snake seven rabbits earlier in the day and that the python was very docile. Very docile indeed...

I also included a pic of some good samaritan who is raising a few of these lovely creatures. Look, a water bowl and everything. How sweet.

What the hell is going on?! Did Keeping up with the Kardashians finally send Mother nature over the edge? I thought maybe we had saved ourselves by getting the Republicans out of power, but apparently, too little, too late.

How Cool is This?

2009-07-03T15:56:00.000-07:00

So check it out - I'm posting this from my iPhone on Wordpress. How cool is that?!

Being born in 1970, I was raised on 3 TV channels and rotary phones. When UHF came on the scene, it was like a whole new world opened up to us. Mostly because we now had access to "Son of Svengoolie" on Saturday afternoons (it's a Chicago thing). It was pure bliss.

From an information standpoint, we had to use Encyclopedias - can you imagine? Books of all things! Crazy, I know.

I guess as an "old person" sometimes it still blows my mind how things have progressed on the last 40 years. And I'm totally psyched I can post from my phone!

Now if I can only learn to type with two thumbs...

-- Post From My iPhone

Cashing In On A Nightmare

2009-06-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

As the world knows, yesterday we lost two pop icons that will be sorely missed - Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. I'm not writing to extol their many talents and virtues, I just have to vent on the media circus, the ringleader being TMZ.

I check their site from time to time to get fodder for my blog (see Phil Spector's Undead Lineage below), and they do have some interesting stuff. But oh my God the crap on Michael Jackson that is flowing off their pages is unbelievable. It's like the RSS feed from hell - here's the rundown ala TMZ (and watch the time stamps - insane):

4:30 PM - Michael Jackson -- Cardiac Arrest
5:20 PM - Michael Jackson Dies
6:00 PM - Michael Jackson's Doc Speaks on Death
6:10 PM - Mother of Jackson's Kids Reacts
6:15 PM - Al Sharpton -- Pray for Jacko - Give me a break...
6:17 PM - The Hulk in Shock Over Jacko's Death - Lou Ferrigno???
6:20 PM - Quincy Jones -- I've Lost My Little Brother
6:20 PM - Recording Academy on MJ -- 'True Musical Icon'
5:25 PM - Jacko's Ex Publicist Goes Off on Michael - Nice...
6:27 PM - Tito Filled With Regret
6:30 PM - Jacko's Mom Arrives at Hospital - Still calling him "Jacko"???
6:37 PM - Elton John Sings for Michael Jackson - If Elton's involved, we better start calling him Michael I guess...
6:45 PM - La Toya Races to Her Brother's Side
7:11 PM - Jacko's Death Grinds the Internet to a Halt - Um, I'm pretty sure I had access last night...
7:13 PM - Michael Jackson Dies -- Celebs Go to Twitter
7:15 PM - People Paying Homage to Wrong Star- Don't ask...
7:30 PM - Michael Jackson's Autopsy Expedited - Corpse watch begins.
7:33 PM - Corey Feldman -- Jackson Was My 'Idol' - OMG who cares!
7:35 PM - Jackson Danced and Sang Last Night
8:46 PM - Liz Taylor -- 'Too Devastated' to Comment
9:15 PM - John Landis Calls the Man He Sued 'Tragic' - Whatever dude.
9:30 PM - Van Halen Heartbroken Over Jackson
9:31 PM - Michael Jackson's Body Transported - Corpse watch continues.
9:33 PM - Jermaine -- They Tried to Revive for an Hour
9:34 PM - Michael Jackson -- Remember the Time....
9:45 PM - Jackson's Body Arrives at Coroner's Office - More corpse watch.
10:20 PM - La Toya and Katherine Jackson -- Faces of Pain - Real nice.
10:21 PM - Justin Timberlake -- 'We Have Lost a Genius'
10:22 PM - Flavor Flav Told to Beat It - See below (hehehe)
10:23 PM - Madonna 'Can't Stop Crying' Over Jackson
3:00 AM - Fans Pay Their Respects at MJ's First Home
4:00 AM - Corey Feldman: Man in the Mirror
Paying homage to his childhood pal, Corey Feldman showed up in classic Michael Jackson garb to "Larry King Live" on Thursday. What a douche bag.
8:05 AM - Starline Tourists See Jackson Drama Unfold
A bus full of tourists thought they were driving up a fancy street to look at Michael Jackson's front gate. Instead, they witnessed the last moments of Michael Jackson's life. Nice, huh.
8:54 AM - Jackson's Death -- Demerol OD? - And so it begins...
9:09 AM - Jackson Family Feared Morphine OD
9:56 AM - Jackson Family -- Demerol Shot Caused Death
9:58 AM - Diana Ross -- 'My Heart is Hurting'
10:00 AM - Michael Jackson Doctor -- MIA
10:07 AM - Michael Jackson's Autopsy Has Begun - For God's sake...
11:52 AM - Debbie Rowe - She Gets Custody if She Wants - If she wants?
12:30 PM - Jackson's Missing Doctor ID'd - Get the pitchforks!!!
12:34 PM - Lisa Marie: Michael Said He'd End up Like Elvis - Whatever...
12:45 PM - Emergency Workers Felt Jackson Dead at Scene
1:27 PM - Janet Jackson Arrives in L.A.
2:00 PM - Jackson's Missing Doc To Speak with Cops
2:07 PM - Michael Jackson -- The 911 Call - Listen to the agony!!!

They now are waiting to live stream video from a press conference being held by the LA Country Coroner. Corey Feldman, Lou Ferrigno, Al Sharpton? Really? Though I do think it was hilarious that Flavor Flav was sent packing in front of all the reporters (hehe).

Obviously, this amount of pointless, irrelevant coverage is ridiculous. What I found more horrific are the photos TMZ is posting with each one of these gems. For instance, LaToya Jackson running for the emergency room doors - they not only showed the wide angle shot, but showed it along side a zoom shot of this poor woman's face trying to see exactly how devastated she was.

As far as the pictures of Michael, it's like they made it their mission to find the freakiest looking pics they could possibly find (with very poor resolution I might add). Ugh - give the guy a break. They actually have several pictures of Michael's body being unloaded from the helicopter. Unbelievable.

I also find it interesting how these headlines are developing. They didn't even start using his real name until this morning, option to use "Jacko", a shortened version of "Wacko Jacko", a not-so-nice nickname given to him by the media. And already with the drug allegations. It hasn't even been 24 hours since the man died.

It also saddens me that this whole bizarre spectacle is completely overshadowing the death of Farrah Fawcett, which needs to be recognized. She fought so hard for so long, even documenting her battle for the world to see - no holds barred. Today, it's like "Farrah who?".

I know Michael Jackson was a controversial, to say the least, public figure. But seriously guys, this is ridiculous.

Seriously?

2009-06-19T18:07:00.000-07:00

Here's something from the Give Me A Fucking Break category. According to Rep. John Culberson (R - TX), House Republicans compare their plight in the newly Democrat-ruled House of Republicans to that of the Iranian people.

Here's what the twit tweeted on Monday, after Republicans were unable to offer more bullshit amendments to appropriation bills pushed through the House:

"Good to see Iranian people move mountains w social media, shining sunlight on their repressive govt - Texans support their bid for freedom"

"Oppressed minorities includeHouseRepubs: We are using social media to expose repression such as last night's D clampdown shutting off amends"

Additionally, Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) tweeted something similar:

"Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House."

Bitch please. Are you telling me that your bullshit agendas remotely compare with the freedome of an entire nation? Are you saying that having your feelings hurt by the Big Bad Dems is comprable to having to flee for your life in the middle of the night as your family and friends are being summarily rounded up to God knows what end?

All I have to say is waaaaah fucking waaaaah. Put on your big girl panties and suck it up. We sure as hell did during the last eight years while you people wiped your asses with the US Bill of Rights. And you people wonder why you lost - shame on you!!!

I'm sure this guy feels your pain - why don't you send him a tweet.

Phil Spector's Unlikely Beginnings

2009-06-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

I came across this on TMZ and felt I had to share. Phil Spector, a music producer, a behind-the-scenes guy whose ideas supposedly changed the sound of rock music, was recently sentenced to 19 years to life in prison for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson.

I know you’ll have a hard time believing it by looking at this pic, but Phil actually sports a piece - and I don’t mean the kind used to murder young actresses. What's killing me about this "reference" photo, is that he paid someone to make fake hair look like this...

But on to my point, check out the mugshot comparisons here. Now obviously, Phil Spector is one of the UnDead. I was hoping these comparisons could shed some light on his supernatural lineage.

This one with The Cryptkeeper is pretty compelling. Though I don't know, I mean The Cryptkeeper seems to have a much stronger jaw and more of an aquiline nose. I'm not quite convinced.

This glamour shot with the evil butler from The Rocky Horror Picture Show is also pretty darn close.

But obviously, this guy is much better looking, and with a fuller head of hair. Not to mention the Adonis-like physique sported by our Transexual Transylvanian friend.

Close, but no cigar I think. Phil should wish for such genes.

Now this is much more intriguing. The bulging eyes, the greasy clumps of hair, and the corpse-like bloated flesh are too much too ignore. The similarities are too eerie to ignore.

My pick for the best look-alike, hands down, is this man.

It is my belief that Phil Spector is the illegitimate son of Gollum.

To see the whole frightening line-up, check it out at http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/phil_spector_mugshotalike - Let me know what you think. Just leave the lights on - it’s scary.

Get Your Violins Ready...

2009-06-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, where to begin. Let me premise this article with the fact that I am in fact watching this show - it's entirely too good to pass up. The nightly competition show is held in the Costa Rican jungle, with pseudo-celebrities vying for crappy rewards and money for their favorite charities. The grand prize you ask? Coronation as King or Queen of the Jungle. Wow.

On Monday's debut, the main focus was on Heidi whining and Spencer throwing temper tantrums. Sadly, no one was eliminated. Co-host Damien Fahey told the audience at the top of the show "The only thing that's certain is, YOU are in control of their lives,". Promises, promises.

Here is a line-up of the “celebrities”:

- Stephen Baldwin, actor, kind of. I like Stephen. He was on fringe of the “Brat Pack” of the 1980’s (Julia Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, Emilio Estevez, etc.), and I loved him in Flatliners. He had a run of horrible movies, gained some weight, became a born again Christian, and is now running the celebrity game-show circuit. No surprises here.
- Torrie Wilson, pro wrestler, token hot blonde.
- Patti Blagojevich, former IL first lady and second choice from her husband Rob, the former Governor of Illinois. Rod was NBC’s first choice, however a judge ruled he could not leave the country as he is currently under indictment for what has been called a “corruption crime spree“. I would’ve given anything to see him on this show…
- Spencer and Heidi Pratt, America’s favorite douchebag and his charming wife from “The Hills” .And may I say, they are certainly living up to their namesakes.
- Sanjaya Malakar, the bane of existence for “American Idol” fans everywhere.
- John Salley, former NBA pro and “TV Personality” (whatever the hell that means)
- Janice Dickinson, a case-study in cougarism with very large lips and has something to do with modeling
- Francis Collier and Angela Shelton, comedic duo ”Frangela”. Never heard of them, but probably the most non-annoying humor on the show.
- Lou Diamond-Phillips, actor, with apparently very little to do or a bad coke habit which needs to be fed. I mean WTF Lou? You’re better than this!!

And so the drama begins. Wanna-be socialite Heidi Pratt is seen on Monday wondering aloud, "Is that a REAL monkey?". Heidi apparently is not cut out for jungle life. So traumatized was Ms. Pratt in a moment of desperation she cried out "This is just almost borderline real torture. Like I would do to al-Qaida." Wow. Really?

The couple has repeatedly threatened to leave the show. Sadly for us they keep coming back - kind of like herpes outbreaks. After coming back on one occasion and finding the others had plundered their belongings in their absence, Spencer went ballistic. "Where does it end?! Where does it end?!" he railed. Heidi commented “I’m just praying to be nice to someone who was so horrible to me and vandalized my hair product.”

Spencer was also very interested in Patti‘s Husband‘s legal woes. He did comment however, "Just so you know, when I met him, I was like, this is who I would have voted for the president of the United States of America." Then Patti clasped hands with Spencer and Heidi, who led them in prayer: "I pray that the truth will be revealed. I pray that he will triumph ..." At this point I vomited in my mouth a little.

Then after Spencer was baptized in the river by Stephen Baldwin (oh, I know…) Spencer and Heidi told their costars on Tuesday's show that they were leaving for good. "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi," Spencer said. "I'm too rich and too famous," he told the other contestants.

Bitch please…

Last night however they were back, begging for forgiveness and wanting back in the jungle. According to Heidi, Satan made them make a bad decision, and now they’re back. It’s such a train wreck, but somehow I can’t look away…

Evil is Not Dead, It's Living in Hollywood

2009-06-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

Leader of the Pack - HGTV

The premise for this animal cruelty show starts with a family looking for the perfect dog. So eight dogs are chosen to compete begin a series of challenges to test their skills and compatibility with the Reckseit family. Every week, a dog is voted off.

So let’s bring in 8 dogs from the pound that have already been rejected , let the children bond with them, and then send them packing. The dogs must prove themselves worthy through a series of “challenges”, including a fashion show, how well they learn tricks, and best of all a consultation with fucking pet psychic. Honestly I can think of a crueler premise for a reality show.

Who the hell came up with this? Michael Vick?

Hitched or Ditched - CW

This premise of this show just warms the heart. "Hitched or Ditched," essentially goads happy couples into breaking up. Each week, it finds a couple who have yet to tie the knot and offers to make them a dream wedding in a week. There's a catch, of course. At the ceremony, in front of friends and family and strangers with cameras, each will have to make a final declaration: I do or I don't.

All of us have probably struggled with the question of “shit or get off the pot”, but to encourage real brides and grooms to leave their partners at the altar is just evil. If the outcome is bad (and it appears this series isn't committed to happy endings), one party walks away crushed and exposed on national TV.

This is so wrong on so many levels. Someone over at CW apparently has some deep-rooted resentments to work through…

More to Love - Fox

This one has me concerned. Fox has announced More to Love, a new reality dating series that stars a plus-size bachelor as he attempts to woo several plus-size bachelorettes.

Per the show‘s producer Mike Fleiss, "This is a dating show that sends the right message about embracing and loving yourself no matter your shape or size, "When you are comfortable with your own body, you can really allow yourself to be open to the possibility of finding the right person to love."

I would love to believe that Mr. Fleiss is sincere. However he is a reality show producer on Fox - I mean come on. My fear is that this will turn into “let’s watch the fat people roll around in the sack - eeeeeew!” I guess time will tell. I will be watching these trailers closely - any hint of poking fun or sensationalizing obesity I’m so on the phone.

Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood

Oh joy! Oxygen is picking up a second season of this examination of excess and undeserved idolatry as we follow the couple as they balance their family life with the “pressures” of being super-rich and providing unrealistic expectations for teenage girls around the country. Awwwww - it must be so hard for them. Millions of mindless adoring fans, ridiculous salaries for doing absolutely nothing...

Poor Tori and Dean. Give me a fucking break.

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Oughta’ Here! - NBC
I started to write about this show for this post, but quickly realized there is waaaay too much to make fun of. More to come on this one…

Here's a Conspiracy For You...

2009-04-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have heard by now about the “snake invasion” going on down in Florida. Yes, Burmese pythons have apparently taken over the Everglades, and are currently finalizing plans for their imminent worldwide invasion.

First of all, let’s all take a look at the Burmese Python. They can grow up to twenty feet long, and weigh up to 200 pounds. They eat alligators – that’s right, alligators. This lovely photo is of a python that has just eaten a pregnant sheep. They have tracked snakes that have traveled over 43 miles. Some of these snakes have actually swam from the mainland to the Florida Keys. And to boot, they reproduce like rabbits. They found one python in the Everglades with 85 developing eggs. Current estimates put the population at about 30,000 in the Everglades alone.

Are you fucking kidding me?! 30,000, 20’ long, 200 pound snakes running amuck, and evidently out of room. And apparently, the entire bottom 1/3 of the United States is environmentally sound for python habitation. This is just like that killer bee scare, on a much, much, way fucking much bigger scale.

It’s the next news bit that I came across that has convinced me that the snakes in Florida are, in fact, a sign of The End Times. The snakes of the world are beginning to organize…

MELBOURNE, Australia – Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.

(God I love that clip...) When the flight landed, it was discovered that four snakes had escaped from the package, a Qantas spokeswoman said in a statement. A reptile expert searched for the snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed. When the snakes were not found, the airplane was fumigated and it returned to service on Wednesday.

My guess, they’re meeting up with their reptilian cohorts to begin planning their invasion of the land down under. I’m hoping their next target is France.

So all those purses and cowboy boots are finally catching up with us. And Texas, I’m looking at you. So watch your ass, Southfork. It’s payback time.

Eight Levels of Hell

2009-04-15T15:03:00.001-07:00

Look up “media whore” in the dictionary, and there you will find a picture of Ms. Nadya Suleman. Yes, the infamous Octomom. I really tried to stay away from this one in order not to perpetuate the ridiculousness of Octomom-o-Mania, but the headline I saw today just pushed me over the edge.

Ms. Suleman is seeking to trademark her media nickname, "Octomom,". On Friday, Suleman, 33, filed two applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to officially - and exclusively - own the moniker. She wants to use the nickname on a line of disposable diapers, dresses, pants, shirts and textile diapers.

What I think she’s missing here is the connotation that her nickname has come to represent. “Octomom” = “Crazy-Ass Bitch”. I mean who would want “Crazy-Ass Bitch” embroidered on little Ashley’s onesies?

And if you think that’s a ridiculous, check out this shit - She also wants to use it for a TV variety show. And apparently she is close to signing a TV reality show deal. Whatever station picks this up will be not only blocked from my TV, but will also be subject to ongoing harassment through this blog (that’ll scare ‘em!). I got $50 bucks on CMT.

I have so many issues with this woman I don’t even know where to start. Inadequately caring for the children she has, even thinking it’s a good idea to have another baby with no job or a home of her own, getting in-vitro with an absurd amount of embryos, having eight babies in addition to the 6 she already can’t take care of, giving some internet rag free-run of her house and children, firing the voluntary health-care workers given to her, and now a clothing line and a reality TV series to exploit the entire clusterfuck.

I really, really wish she would just go away. If I see her on the Today show again I’m driving to NY and personally bitch-slap Matt Lauer.

Now That's Scary

2009-04-10T07:27:00.001-07:00

Kim Kardashian wants to be a vampire. Apparently sucking the intelligence out of already neuron-deprivedminds via reality TV isn’t enough.

Kim is of course referring to the freakishly popular “Twilight” saga, the first installment of which debuted in November 2009. And don’t get me wrong – I LOVE Twilight. A total guilty pleasure, but please, please, please Ms. Meyer, let’s not go there.

In Kim’s classic, elegant style, she was quoted as saying “I would, like, die to be in 'Twilight,'" Kim told PopEater when asked about "the buzz" surrounding her involvement in the series. And then went on to say "Being around all those hot guys. I want to be a vampire! I would be one that was probably nice - no, I kind of want to be evil!" she continued. "I don't know what I'd want to be - just a vampire."
What a fucking dingbat.

A few other scary scenarios include people like Madonna , Vanessa Hudgens, the Jonas Brothers and Drew Barrymoore, who are also “dying” to be in the movies. The Jonas Brothers?!!!? Really?! This is a movie about vampires, werewolves, scary monsters, etc. I could possibly see the scrawny one with the red Liberace hair being a Volturi blood bitch.

When you think of it, the possibilities are endless. I mean think of how awesome it would be to see people like Gary Coleman, Dee Snider, Wayne Newton, or my personal favorite, Rush Limbaugh in a Twilight movie? I think Dick Cheney would be a perfect leader for the Volturi.

One can only dream I suppose.

Wow That's Some Ugly Bling

2009-03-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

Seriously bro? This looks absolutely ridiculous. There’s really no other word for it – it just looks stupid. It’s a fucking box of kids cereal.

How can you wear this and not feel absolutely ridiculous? I have two words for this – developmentally challenged. I can guarantee you this guy took the short bus. And by the way, I have no idea who this is - I'm guessing not too many others do either.

Big H from the Dogg Pound. Excuse me Mr. H, or should I call you Big? Mr. H you have something stuck in your teeth. Oh I’m sorry, you wanted Liberace’s butt-plug in your mouth? Oh yes, it’s very nice. Yes definitely, very gangsta'...

What IS that shit in his mouth? Why is he snarling? Is he an angry man? Why is he disgusted with the crosses? Perhaps he's a vampire, repulsed by his own bling. That would explain the teeth and the sunglasses. That or he's just an asshole.

Nas and his damn impressive Tutankhamun bling. Again – the only word I have for this is ridiculous. It looks like something he picked up in a tourist shop at the Luxor. I wouldn’t wear that at Mardi Gras, no matter what I had drank smoked or otherwise.

So… does this mean he believes he’s a Pharaoh now? Will there be a Technicolor coat coming soon? Maybe if he buries in the sand it will actually be of use in 4,000 years. Most likely it will just tell future archaeologists that poor taste was a rampant plague in the 21st century.

Nigo. If there is a poster-boy for “Money Can’t Buy Taste”, this idiot wins hands down. Nigo is an insanely rich designer of "gangsta' clothing and shoes, producer, has his own hip-hop crew, "The Teriyaki Boyz" (I sooooo want one!), and is responsible for something called the "Millionaire Boys Club" and the BAPE brand - Bathing Ape.

With the amount of shit around his skinny neck, he actually appears to defy the laws of physics by standing upright. Look closely and you'll see a pink cougar, a green and yellow octopus, and an astronaut's head. It's as if he took characters from his latest acid trip and preserved them for posterity in diamonds, rubies and platinum. I wish I'd have thought of that back in the 80's...

Sean Kinston's Crayons. This, without a doubt, is my favorite. Back in December, Reggae star Sean Kingston debuted the most expensive piece of shit I have ever seen in my life. A $500,000 Crayon Crayola Box made out of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, etc. etc. It was so large it almost covered half of his more than generous torso.

But I have the most wonderful news - THE NECKLACE WAS STOLEN! Apparently MENSA member Mr. Kingston sent the “art” to a jeweler in NY, via Fed-Ex. Insured of course - for $500.00! That’s right, $500 bucks for a $500,000 necklace. God I love karma.

OK (pause). Why he would not only mail the something worth the GNP of Togo, using Fed-Ex? I barely trust Fed Ex with my Old Navy returns. And then to not even insure it, is beyond my spectrum of thinking.

How is he going to prove his success to family and friends now without the crayons??

Does Something Seem Off?

2009-01-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

Driving to work today I just could not get over the fact that The Evil One is gone. It’s like winning the lottery! For the longest time I’ve felt an ongoing, pervasive dread I just couldn’t place. A feeling of anger and antipathy bubbling just below the surface. Today I woke up and realized something was off, because I was in a good mood. And then I remembered George W. Bush is no longer president! Yay!

Call him what you will, Satan, The Dark Lord, Beelzebub, Lord Sauron, Atilla the Hun, The Antichrist, he’s been the face of America for 8 years. A disturbingly ugly face, but a face nonetheless. Thankfully, that face is finally changing.

Just think, no more Charles Montgomery Burns evil snickering, no more bastardizations of the English language, no more redneck accent, and oh – no more killing of innocent civilians, and sending our troops to their deaths to fight a made up war based on lies. Which is a good thing.

Anyway – I just had to share my glee. I know I may seem harsh, but wow, so have been the last 8 years. I know things aren’t going to be perfect overnight, and I hope the rest of America keeps that in mind as well. We finally have a good man in office, so let’s give him the time to do a good job.

In closing, kiss my white ass George!!!

What Were They Thinking!

2009-01-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

Here are a few of my favorite celebrity pics from over the last year I thought I’d share. It’s always fun to mock those with much more money than myself. Besides, you leave the house looking like this, you deserve, nay, are begging to be ridiculed.

Tina Turner. I have 2 things to say about this look – “butter-face”, and “double-bagger”. While yes, everything under the turkey neck is in relatively decent shape, my God woman. Of course, we are all getting older. However, wearing costumes made for someone half your age, and a wig straight from a drag queen’s closet is not the best way to keep one’s self looking youthful and un-pathetic.

Alexis Arquette.
Speaking of drag queens… Although since her surgery in the 90’s that’s technically no longer a factual statement. This is one of the most frightening images I’ve seen all year. I think this image speaks for itself, and will most likely be burned into your memory for some time to come. Little known fact on Alexis – she played the hilarious Boy George fanatic in “The Wedding Singer” who played “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” over and over – she was hilarious! She probably would’ve been better off with that outfit than the one in this pic… Yikes.

Chaka Khan. Oh Chaka Khan, I feel for you. Whoever let you walk out on stage looking like the evil twin of the Michelin Man should be tried for crimes against the entire fashion community. Can this even be considered apparel? I mean WTF?

Tori Amos. What the hell happened? I thought she was a relatively young, hip contemporary artist. She looks like Teri Garr on acid! The hair resembles my old Raggedy-Ann doll sans braids. And that outfit – wow. Not only is it horrific, it makes her look huge! It looks like she’s on her way to a Star Trek Convention. And those boots, or whatever they are, I don’t even know where to start. Whoever sold her on this outfit has a really sick sense of humor.

Why People Make Fun of Marketing

2008-12-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I’ve been working in the Marketing industry for most of my adult life. I’ve seen quite a bit of bad and bizarre marketing and advertising, and these little gems fall decidedly into both. I recently read an article in DM News, normally an extremely boring trade publication, on “unique” mailing lists. Here’s my personal favorites from the top ten weirdest lists they came across:

“Dads Who Throw Turkeys”: What?! This just screams “My Big Redneck Wedding”. Oddly enough, the picture to the right illustrates exactly what I though of. And yes, this is a picture from an actual Turkey Toss COntest in Birmingham Alabama. Note the turkey flying in front of the tree, the belly in mid flight, and the judges table to make sure all is above board.

As it turns out, this list has something to do with bowling. Maybe it’s just me, but perhaps some more though should’ve gone into coming up with a list name that means something to the other 98% of the population.

“Mancation Nation”: This one threw me. What the hell is a “Mancation”, and why would I want to market to people that have them, buy them, sell them, or ingest them? Apparently, an “Mancation” is when dudes from Miller Lite commercials go on a trip to do really manly stuff. Like get really drunk, fart a lot, and kill anything that moves.

“Celebrities”: Sounds innocuous enough. However 48,500 people on the list seems a bit much. Granted, there are many “celebrities” out there (yes Paris I’m talking about you) where we should probably use that term loosely. This list however includes every moron to have every graced the set of a reality TV show. Now that’s loose.

“My Colon MD”: Yikes. I’m thinking a little more “creativity” could have been put into this list to make it a hair more professional, other than “the butt doctor list”. On the other hand the possibilities for people like me are endless. I’d probably go with something like “Doctors Obsessed with Assholes in Medical School”, “Sphincter Specialists”, or my personal favorite “Assholes ‘R Us”.

I mean who in there right mind wouldn't want to "probe the depths" on this guy?

“The Collagen Store”: I’m assuming this is a list of companies that make collagen to be injected into the lips of prima-donnas and porn stars around the world. So, what, do you buy it by the vat? Eeeew.

There you have it – one more pearl from the oyster that is Marketing.

Bill Tweed Revisited

2008-12-17T14:41:00.000-08:00

Chicago. Place of my birth, home of the Bears, pizza to die for, and Senate seats up for bid. What more could you ask for?

Rod Blagojevich, as most of you have heard by now, has been caught on tape saying he wanted "to make money'' on the Obama senate appointment. "I have got this thing and it's [bleeping] golden," . It’s good to be king I guess.

And now Jesse Jackson Jr. is coming forward as the infamous "Senate Candidate 5", whose aide approached Blagojevich with a 500K offer for the seat. More shocking however, is that apparently in the past few years he’s been working as an informant in other investigations into Blagojevich. Personally, I’d like that confirmed by the US Attorney’s office.

However Jackson did have a bone to pick with good old Rod. An anonymous Jackson aide said "Blagojevich went out of his way to say, 'You know I was considering your wife for the lottery job and the $25,000 you didn't give me? That's why she's not getting the job,"'. Yikes.

For some reason, to me, the most offensive of all was his attempts to shake down the Tribune Co., threatening to withold the sale of Wrigley Field unless the company fired some of the newspaper's editorial writers who have been less than kind to Blagojevich’s “management style”. Apparently Mr. Blagojevich believes Illinois to be his own little East Berlin.

Al Capone must be rolling over in his grave lamenting “why didn’t I think of that?!” Mario Puzo couldn’t have written it better.

I love deer

2008-12-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

If this isn't a case of "brought it on yourself" I don't know what is. This jerk SO had it coming...

"SEDALIA, Mo. – A hunter bagged a big buck on the second day of firearms season, but the kill caused him a lot of pain. Randy Goodman, 49, said he thought two well-placed shots with his .270-caliber rifle had killed the buck on Nov. 19. Goodman said the deer looked dead to him, but seconds later the nine-point, 240-pound animal came to life.

The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what the veteran hunter called "15 seconds of hell." The deer ran a short distance and went down, and died after Goodman fired two more shots."

Oh poor Mr. Goodman going through those terrible 15 seconds of hell. You know what would really suck though, is if you were just chillin' in your house with some Corn-Nuts and soda, and some psycho comes in and shoots you twice with a high powered rifle. Then when you try to fight the bastard off, he shoots you 2 more times.

I'll tell you what, if I had antlers I'd sure as hell use them too.

"Soon Goodman started feeling dizzy and noticed his vest was soaked in blood.

So he reached his truck and drove to a hospital, where he received seven staples in his scalp and was treated for a slight concussion and bruises."

So another proud moment for our neighbors south of the Mason-Dixon. Another good ole' boy gets bloody and bruised by trying to maim, kill and otherwise destroy something for absolutely no good reason. Eye for an eye, that's what I say.

What a jackass.

2008-11-19T12:47:00.000-08:00

Here's a a great resource for all my friends in the trade. Apparently they've really got things down to a science in Rio...

A government Web site for Brazil's prostitutes suggests they be prepared to perform fantasies and "offer specialties," among other tips, is going to be toned down, an official said Tuesday.

Prostitution is legal in Brazil and sex worker advocacy groups say the Labor Ministry Web site aims to promote the human rights of prostitutes. But critics say the site goes too far, and its contents have become fodder for Brazilian newspapers.

The site contains such tips as: "demonstrate an ability to perform erotic fantasies," "seduce with affectionate nicknames" and, in a nod to the globalized marketplace, "demonstrate a capacity to communicate in a foreign language."

"The information was created with the help of NGOs and the prostitutes themselves," said a labor ministry spokeswoman, who spoke on condition of anonymity because she wasn't authorized to discuss the topic.

So there you have it boys and girls. If you're looking for tips from the real pros, the Brazilian Government is apparently "the man" when it comes to keeping those tricks-a-turnin'.

Of course there's always Heidi.

Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken

2008-10-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

The best movie scene of all time....

Simon's Birthday

2008-10-29T07:33:00.000-07:00

Oh my God am I old. Simon Le Bon, former sexpot and Duran Duran front man has turned 50. I thought I was old when “Duran Duran Greatest” came out, but now it’s official. Duran Duran was a main staple at my freshman year dances. And what’s really sad is I remember them like they were last week. And I can’t believe I’m saying “I remember it like it was yesterday”…

How did this happen? Because I don’t remember getting old, I don’t feel old, apparently however my worst fears have come true. Do I have to start buying Metamucil now? Depends, Porcelana, Ben Gay? I’m not ready!

At least some of however know when it's time to hang up the speedos. Yikes.

Pawns and Pasties - oh yeah...

2008-10-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

I know I’ve been slacking on my “bizarre websites” series, but this week I found a real gem. The website is the home page for “Coltness Chess and Lap Dance Club”. Yes, you read right. Chess and cheeks – who could ask for more?

Here’s a blurb from their site: “Coltness Chess and Lap Dance Club is a unique concept in entertainment. First established in 1923 the club struggled for many years trying to raise competitive teams with a dwindling membership. In 1998 the newly elected club president, Mike Andover, made radical changes. By combining lap dancing and chess the club was transformed overnight. In its first year of this new format, membership rose from 17 to 203.”

Go figure.

Another endorsement from the site proclaims “The club is also very proud of its dancers. As well as local talent we regularly invite guest dancers from all around the country. We even have celebrity nights and have seen excellent dance routines from the likes of Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson. Each night up to six dancers entertain our players between moves. Chess has never been such fun! Lap Dancing has never required so much concentration.“

This concept is so bizarre – combining the dullest, dorkiest game ever played, with thongs and pasties. However in taking a look at the average chess team, this will probably be the closest that these fine young men will ever come to seeing boobs outside of a TV screen. Bless their hearts.

The site also offers lap dancing tips, puzzles, games, a striptease video, and even a “virtual lapdance” (I was afraid to click on that one).

Who knew? Bobby Fischer, eat your heart out.

Marketing? Deceptive? I don't believe it.

2008-10-13T09:41:00.001-07:00

As you all know, the tobacco companies have taking a lot of heat about misleading consumers about the adverse health effects of smoking. Wow is that an understatement.

The Stanford School of Medicine has recently unveiled an exhibit telling the story of how tobacco companies used deceptive and often patently false claims in an effort to reassure the public of the safety of their products.

You have to check this out – unfuckingbelievable. Some of the ridiculous claims in these ads are downright ridiculous.

The ones I've included here are just a few examples. The top pic actually touts cigarettes as an actual remedy for asthma of all things. That's right, asthma. This second one kills me. If you know anything about me, it's that I have a feminist streak a mile wide. It pains me to look at it.

"He's coming home!" Oh dear, I'll put on my best nightgown and do my hair and fix my make up and oh dear do we have enough toilet paper for me to wipe his ass? Ugh...

Circle of Life

2008-10-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

Brings a tear to your eye...

McCain's secret plan to save the world

2008-10-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

I think I may have judged John McCain unfairly. I’m starting to believe that today’s John McCain is not the tyrannical megalomaniac I have painted him to be. I think John McCain is covertly trying to lose the election, and save us from four more years of corruption and war-mongering.

How, you ask? Meet Gov. Sarah Palin – any presidential candidate’s worst possible choice for VP. Here’s a quick look at her “resume”:

- Ms. Alaska title
- Journalism degree from University of Idaho
- Sportscaster on TV station
- Member of PTA in Wasilla, Alaska, population less than 9,000
- Member of city council in Wasilla
- Mayor of Wasilla, two terms
- Pursued the nomination for Lieutenant Governor, lost
- Won Governorship in Alaska. Less than two years in office

No one in their right mind would want someone this unqualified waiting to step in as president, right?! Surely McCain knows this – which is why he picked her! He must know there is no way he will be elected with this dingbat on his ticket. This way, he can avoid pissing off the GOP, while still delivering this great country of ours into the safe hands of the Democrats.

I mean, here’s a prime example of her ineptitude. She was asked to cite a Supreme Court ruling that she disagreed with, other than Roe v Wade. She could not come up with a single one. Not one. As a Governor, I would think she’d have some idea about this country’s legal evolution. But here’s the real kicker – In May of this year, the Supreme Court refused to act on her own petition to stop polar bears from being added to the endangered species list.

Obviously, you’d think she’d get this one - she wrote brief after brief about it. Apparently, she just froze up. Is that what we can expect of her during international negotiations? Excellent – very reassuring.

The polar bear issue itself also gives us a view of life with Sarah Palin. Some of you may have heard of that pesky “global warming” thing, which right now is melting away the polar bear’s natural habitat. She isn’t even sure that global warming exists at all, and has expressed that if there is any warming, it wasn’t caused by man’s use of fossil fuels. Which is an interesting position to take, as her husband works for British Petroleum. Hmmm. Had her petition succeeded of course, her hubby’s employer would have a lot more land to exploit. Fuck the polar bear.

Anyhoo, I can’t tell you how relieved I am that John McCain is truly the American hero I always thought he was. I had really thought that Mr. McCain had crossed over to the dark side. But now that I know what he’s really up to, I can sleep easier at night. But seriously though, that’s has to be his reason for Palin right? No way he’s dumb enough to pick her and expect to win. That would make him just another ultra-conservative, psychotic GOP clone, wouldn’t it?

Nah.

I'm so outta' here...

2008-10-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Priceless. This is how I imagine Richard Branson as a child.

Losing face

2008-10-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

As I’ve said before – I love The Biggest Loser. I love the way it changes peoples lives. I love how they can take a massive lump of human flesh, and turn it into a smokin’ hot adult male. But wow, did they hit a new low last night.

As much as I love the show, there are two things about that have grown increasingly annoying. The first is Allison Sweeny. God is she annoying. She repeats everything at least three times, with obviously contrived interest, and speaks very slowly. As a “famous actress” on “Days of Our Lives” and “Celebrity Mole”, she feels she must take on these characteristics so the cretins she is talking to understand her.

The send is the shameless, brazen product placement. Who walks around the kitchen talking to their friends, “if you use these Ziploc Steam n Lock” bags, you can make your meals for a week. The Ziplock Steam n Lock” backs are perfect for that.” It’s oh, so bad.

Last night however they really stooped to a new low in the drive for ratings. Now, the premise of the show is to lose as much weight as possible. Every week they weigh in, and the 2 married couples/parent-child teams who have gained the least us up for elimination. Everyone else votes, and one team goes home – pretty standard stuff.

Last night they decided that the one and only team who lost the least weight, would have to go back to their rooms and decide which of them will go home. Are you kidding me? So here were with Colleen and here dad Paul, in there room balling there eyes out because neither wants the other to go. Paul FYI, is seriously in the brink of death if he doesn’t lose weight.

Why in God’s name would a show do something like that? I understand it’s a ratings game buy my God, is nothing sacred? It was terrible and shameless. I’ll keep watching because I love the premise, and I love watching these people lose weight and turn their lives around. But shame on these producers – I hate this show.

Have a little self-respect, would ya’ NBC?

When Motown hits CrazyTown

2008-09-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

This is priceless. My office peeps are learning the steps...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

George of the Porcelain Jungle

2008-09-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, George ... where will it end? Once again George Michael has been arrested for using a public men’s restroom as his personal den of iniquities. To be fair however, his pants were not around his ankles at the time of arrest.

Evidently our beloved 80’s sexpot found himself in handcuffs yet again after North London police reportedly caught him with marijuana and crack in a public men's bathroom with a reputation as a gay tryst meeting place. Quoting my husband, “He has enough money to build his own fake bathroom, and stock it with whatever men (and drugs apparently) he wants.”

Michael, 45 (can you fucking believe it?), was cautioned by police following the arrest. This marks the fourth drug-related arrest in three years for the 'Faith' and 'Father Figure' singer.

I thought he was doing so well – making a comeback even! He appeared recently on American Idol’s Season Finale, performing with the likes of Seal, Graham Nash, Carrie Underwood and ZZ Top. He also did a few cameos on a now defunct CBS drama. And look how hot he is from the “Faith” album! Apparently, the last 6 months have not been good to George.

All I have to say is find a new office dude. The gig is way up.

Clay Aiken is Gay!?

2008-09-25T11:46:00.001-07:00

Who knew?

Another great video

2008-09-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

One of my all time favorites:

How to Raise an Idiot

2008-09-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Last night on Leno, we were introduced to the 3 dumbest people in America. That’s what I’d like to think of course, but I’m pretty sure that’s just wishful thinking. He started the show with “JayWalking Allstars” - asking some basic questions to the “man on the street”. These are the pearls of wisdom that got these people this dubious title:

Question to Larissa: “Who are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?”
Answer: “I don’t know. Are they dancers?”

Question to Harmik: “Who is the Vice President?”
Answer: “Uh, I know this – it’s not Dan Quayle – no it’s that other person”

Question - “Who is Nancy Pelosi, why is she famous? She’s the first woman to do something.”
Jannia: “She’s the first woman to do something? Oh. That blows a couple of things I thought about. I think there was a girl that does porn, but she’s not the first.”

So these three political glitterati were brought on for a face-off. Here is a sampling of how that went:

Question – shown a picture of Mahatma Ghandi: Harmik, who is this?
Harmik - That guy who played Mahatma Ghandi – Ben Kingsley

Question - Who succeeded Ronald Regan as President
Larissa - Succeeded meaning…? Came after him? OK. I only know a certain amount of presidents, you know. Just the important ones – I can’t even names the ones that I don’t know.

Question – Where is Red Square?
Jannia – Are we thinking board games here? Um, search me.

Question – I’ll give you two names, who are they? Orville and Wilbur.
Larissa – Redenbacher! Oh no – the plane guys.

Question – Where would you go to find the Space Needle?
Jannia – If it’s the space needle, wouldn’t be in space? (is told it’s on the ground) Oh, oh, Area 51!

Question – What does Condaleeza Rice Do?
Harmik – She tells the president what to do
Jannia – The other woman
Larissa – They brought her up in school one time. She did something wrong. Didn’t she?

Question (shown a picture of John Edwards): Who is this?
Harmik – Yeah he’s an actor – that guy from Twister. Bill Pullman.

It boggles my mind that people like this walk around every day, and somehow manage not to step in front of a bus. To be fair, all 3 of these future politicos are in their early 20’s (not to mention acting students), but come on! How can you not know who the Vice President is!

Well, let’s hope those bus drivers start taking aim – natural selection, baby.

Fall Reality - What to Watch (says me)

2008-08-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

The Biggest Loser: Families
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 8PM ET/PT - NBC
NBC has announced The Biggest Loser: Families -- the reality weight-loss series' sixth-season. This installment will be a "family edition" featuring teams consisting of two family members each.

I love this show! I’m so psyched that it’s back. All kidding aside, it’s great watching these people turn their lives around. It almost inspires me to start getting into the fitness thing… almost.

Survivor: Gabon
Premieres on Thursday, September 18 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The seventeenth edition of this long-running reality competition series will mark the debut of CBS' new fall schedule. The rest of the network's schedule won't begin premiering until Monday, September 22, the official start of the 2008-2009 television season.

Thank God it’s back. I love this show. So much to love, so much to make fun of. You’ll definitely be getting updates on this one as the season progresses. Yay!!

The Amazing Race 13
Premiers Sunday, September 28 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The Amazing Race's thirteenth season begins at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in late April and concludes in the Portland, OR area. Over the course of 23 days, the teams embark on a 30,000-mile trek that includes visits to Brazil, Bolivia, Russia and India -- as well as the show's first-ever stop in Kazakhstan.

Another one of my favorites. Inevitably there’s a couple that is at each other’s throats through the whole thing – very entertaining. Then there’s the whiner, the team that screws everyone over… Good times.

Top Design
Premieres Wednesday, September 3 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Top Design's second season will be similar to last winter's edition, the contestants will live together in a loft and compete in various design-themed challenges, with the winner receiving a grand prize package of $100,000 and a four-page editorial showcase in Elle Decor magazine.

I love this show. It’s always so much fun to mock other people’s failings. You do get some good ideas from this show, as there a lot of cool designs. But the best part really is making fun of the really ugly stuff.

Secret Millionaire
Premieres on Wednesday, December 3 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
This new reality series follows wealthy Americans as they leave their lavish lifestyles to learn what it's like to try and survive in some of the country's most impoverished neighborhoods.

Episodes will follow the wealthy participants as they go undercover to various impoverished neighborhoods for roughly a week to meet different poverty-stricken people and experience what it's like to live their lifestyle. On the last day of their experience, the millionaires will reveal their true identities to the penniless people and also give at least $100,000 of their own money -- often times more -- to those they've met.

This sounds kind of cool - kind of like “Daddy Warbucks – Hidin’ Out in Harlem”. If I were still living in my first apartment, I probably could’ve been on this show.

Dogtown
Premiers Friday, January 4, at 9 p.m. ET/PT – National Geographic
Dogtown takes viewers inside the grounds to meet the dogs and the team dedicated to ensuring that even the toughest cases survive. This expert team of caregivers has a single mission - to transform hopeless dogs into loving pets.

Abuse or neglect has turned some of these dogs into aggressive animals, and their trip to Dogtown is their last chance for a better life.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch this, but I think it’s great that Nat Geo is airing it. These people don’t get nearly enough of the credit they deserve. Hopefully it will also raise awareness to the need for help in this area. Humans can be real bastards.

And that's my girl Josie - one of my best and oldest friends.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 3

2008-08-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

Cash Or Capture
Premieres November 2008 on Sci-Fi
Cash or Capture is a reality competition show that pits a group of contestants against each other for a cash prize, while being stalked by relentless "hunters." Based on a successful Japanese format from Fuji Television, the action takes place over 60 minutes of real time in various landmark locations.

Have we really gotten so desperate for ideas we’re turning to the Japanese?! And who exactly are these “relentless hunters”? Has Sauron unleashed the Nazgul once again? Take the ring Frodo! Take the ring!

Rock of Love Girls: Charm School
Premieres Fall 2008 on VH1
VH1’s Charm School is returning for a second season. While the first season was hosted by Mo’Nique, Sharon Osbourne will be the host for the second season. In the series, Sharon Osbourne will face the challenge of teaching fourteen of the girls from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels how to be more lady-like.

Contestants from both seasons of Rock of Love will live under one roof as they study etiquette, fashion, manners, and moderation. Each week the contestants will undertake a unique lesson and then take a test, which will lead to an expulsion. The last surviving contestant will win a $100,000 prize.

This is priceless. Have you seen these girls? They’re skanks! Every single one of them. And Sharon Osbourne, of all people, is going to teach them to be “lady-like”. That’s right, the lady who married a man who eats bats, and has ingested enough drugs to put Manuel Noriega out of business.

I don’t think I can force myself to watch this, but it sounds hilarious.

Celebrity Rehab 2
Premieres Thursday, Jan. 10, 10PM ET on VH1
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew is a reality show that chronicles the drug and alcohol rehabilitation of several well-knowns trying to rid themselves of the their addictions. Dr. Drew Pinsky will be supervising the celebrities during their inpatient stay at the Pasadena Recovery Center in California.

The eight celebrities checking in are:
- Child star, Jaimee Foxworth of singing group “Heaven Sent,” and tv’s “Family Matters.”
- Crazytown’s lead singer, Seth “Shifty” Binzer.
- UFC Heavyweight Champ, Ricco “Suave” Rodriguez.
- Another Baldwin Brother on reality TV?! Yep, this time it’s Daniel.
- Model Brigitte Nielson.
- Joan Marie Laurer — or you may know her better as buff WWF wrestler, Chyna.
- Porn star Mary Carey.
- Jeff Conaway…yes, that’s hot “Greaser,” Kenicke.
- American Idol season 4 top ten finalist, Jessica Sierra

This looks like it could be very entertaining, or just really, really dumb. Due to the fact that recognize 3 names on this list, I’m gonna’ go with really, really dumb. And yes, that's a picture of the glamorous Bridgette Neilsen.

This would have been so much better with Dr. Ruth.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 2

2008-08-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Bravo has announced The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the latest version of the network's The Real Housewives reality franchise. The Real Housewives of Atlanta will follow a similar format to its Orange County and New York City predecessors and follow five women from “Hotlanta”.

Who the fuck cares about five random ho-bags living in Atlanta?! This platform is the most inane thing I’ve ever seen. Who is watching this? Someone is because this waste of airtime keeps coming back. Kind of like VD.

Dancing with the Stars
Premieres Monday, September 22 at 8PM ET/PT - ABC
The eighth season will hit the floor with 13 celebrities slated to compete on the new season of the top-rated dance contest. This season’s line-up includes Susan Lucci, Toni Braxton, Lance Bass, Cloris Leachman, Kim Kardashian, Ted McGinley, Brooke Burke, NFL champ Warren Sapp and two Olympic athletes: Misty May-Treanor, 2008Olympian, and Maurice Greene, 2000 Olympian. Rounding out the cast are chef Rocco DiSpirito, Cody Linley of "Hannah Montana" and comedian Jeffrey Ross.

So, Frau Blucher is going to be in a dance competition? Well I guess it makes sense. Not only does she exude sexuality, she has moves that make Travolta look like an amateur.

My Big Redneck Wedding
Premieres Saturday, October 4 at 9PM ET/PT. - CMT
CMT has announced My Big Redneck Wedding's second season will hosted by comedian Tom Arnold. Each episode follows a different pair of lovebirds living below the Mason-Dixon Line as they prepare to walk down the aisle and throw a reception.

The premiere will follow Elaine and Bruce as they prepare for their wedding, which includes a shoe-optional service; invitations on paper napkins; a mud pit ceremony at the Horse Hole Mud Bog; and bridesmaids and groomsmen who wear tank tops and cut-off shorts.

Once again, Country Music TV doesn’t fail to disappoint. I wonder if they put together an oral hygiene kit to use as wedding favors. Maybe a coupon to Dr. Dumbley’s Denture Emporium…

Gimme My Reality Show!
Premiers Saturday, October 11 at Midnight – Fox Reality Channel
This show follows a group of D-list reality retreads as they battle each other in various challenges. The ultimate winner will receive his/her own Fox Reality Channel show that will debut next year.

The cast will consist of former American Idol finalist, The Surreal Life housemate and Battle of the Network Reality Stars contestant Ryan Starr; former O.J. Simpson houseguest Kato Kaelin; former The Anna Nicole Show interior decorator Bobby Trendy; former Baywatch actress, The Surreal Life, Celebrity Boot Camp and U.K. Celebrity Big Brother 2006 participant Traci Bingham; Project Runway second-season runner-up Santino Rice; former Breaking Bonaduce co-star Gretchen Bonaduce; and former The Brady Bunch actress Susan Olsen.

Can you imagine a bigger bunch of media whores and assholes assembled on one stage? Definitely one of the worst this season. And how exactly does Kato Kaelin fit in?

Mobile Home Disaster
This show, sadly, appears to be over for the season, but I just couldn’t help myself. Country Music Television, the channel that’s given us “Redneck Dreams”, “Hillbilly Deluxe”, and “Trick My Truck” put this gem out earlier this year.

Basically it’s just like “Extreme Makeover – Home Edition”, except in this show they redecorate your double-wide. And look at the tasteful appointments they’ve made to this lil’ piece o’ heaven!

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst part 1

2008-08-27T13:39:00.000-07:00

My Super Sweet 16 Presents: Exiled!
Premieres Monday, August 25 at 10:30PM ET/PT - MTV
This new reality series sends former “My Super Sweet 16” teens to live with the indigenous tribes of far away countries for the opportunity to add some perspective to their world view.

Each episode will follow one of eight girls who -- at the behest of their parents – has been transplanted to a primitive tribe around the world to experience the lifestyle of the teenage girls who live there year round.

So these spoiled little punk-ass bitches will be sent to live with the natives in a remote jungle. I can already hear the bitching and whining. One word – cannibalism. There’s a reason for it people.

The Rachel Zoe Project
Premiere Monday, September 8 at 11PM ET/PT – Bravo
This new reality series follows celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe and her team of fashion experts as they attempt to take their business to the next level.

The Rachel Zoe Project will offer viewers a behind-the-scenes look at Zoe and her team as they attempt to put Zoe at the forefront of a new business. Zoe and her team are also always trying to ensure she's still able to help her celebrity clients while juggling everything from fashion magazine deadlines to photo shoots.

Who the hell is Rachel Zoe? Yet another biting example that anyone, I mean anyone, can get their own reality show. And what is going on at Bravo? First they get rid of Project Runway, and now this crap. I think all the gays must have resigned and gone to Lifetime.

Hole in the Wall
Premiere Thursday, September 11 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
Hosted by actress Brooke Burns and TV personality Mark Thompson, each Hole in the Wall episode will follow two teams competing against each other to get through various walls speeding towards them. Their only means of getting through will be different-sized shapes, forcing the contestants to contort their bodies in unison as they either squeeze through or get knocked into a pool below.

So this is a show about people trying to climb through holes in walls. Apparently this show has been a hit in Japan (go figure), the UK and Australia. I'm just not gettin' it.

Solo: Lost at Sea
Premieres Monday, Sept. 15 at 10PM ET/PT – National Geographic Channel
Solo: Lost at Sea, is a series that documents adventurer Andrew McAuley's attempt to become the first person to kayak solo from Australia to New Zealand.

McAuley's journey is documented by a video camera mounted on the bow of his boat, capturing his own words and the strokes of his paddle as he attempted to survive wild storms, circling sharks and an exhausting month of paddling across the Tasman Sea.

Wow, that so doesn’t sound very interesting. “Capturing the strokes of his paddle”? Whoever came up with this show is a stroke.

Australians vow revenge on cocky Britons

2008-08-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

BEIJING (Reuters) - Australia's Olympic Committee president, aghast at the sight of Britain above his country in the Olympic medals table, has vowed revenge -- if not now then on British soil in 2012.

"They're certainly serving it up to me," John Coates told a roomful of downcast Australian journalists on Tuesday when asked how to cope with gloating British fans and officials. "Their new-found cockiness has got some substance to it," he added.

Britain, Olympic hosts in 2012, were in third place in the medals table on Tuesday morning, one place and one gold medal ahead of Australia.

Australia and Britain have a strong sporting rivalry, particularly in rugby union and cricket. Australia thrashed the English cricket team 5-0 last year after a rare English success in the previous series.

Coates has similar payback in mind. "I said at the outset, and my sense of pride says, that we can't let them beat us and they may well beat us this time but let's use that as the incentive to get the planning right for our high performance and our attack on London 2012."

Let me start by saying that as an international community, we are all somewhat dismayed that the 2012 Olympics will be hosted by wankers, tossers, slappers, mingers, sods, prats, gits, tarts, slags and chutney ferrets.

I do think however that threatening acts of terrorism against a country over a pansy-ass game of rugby is just wrong. I mean these are “The Good-Will Games”, meant to embrace friendship and diversity! Certainly not the time to start WWIII.

I mean come on - suck it up bitches!

As for you Brits, I’d start fixing up those moats. The Australians are already referring to the Olympics as “Attack on London 2012”. This guy is coming for you, and he wants your ass on the ‘barbie. (stunning, isn't he?)

"Happiest Place on Earth" shows dark side

2008-08-15T11:05:00.001-07:00

In a disturbing show of force, Disneyland was surrounded by angry Disney characters calling for blood this Thursday. Those lovable Disney characters who have won the hearts of millions, apparently “have finally had enough” The openly hostile horde complained of hostile work environments, decreasing wages and now greatly reduced benefits.

According to screen legend Robin Hood, Disney has “gone too far” in its recent proposal to the labor union. Disney wants to eliminate the free health plan for new hires, affecting such newcomers as Wall-E, Prince Caspian, and Chloe the Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Also put at risk are contract negotiations with Bolt and Mr. Mittens of the highly anticipated “Bolt the American Dog”, scheduled to be released late 2008. “I just don’t know if I want to be associated with a franchise that treats its talent with such little regard.” said Mr. Mittens. “I have a litter due in less than a month – I need that healthcare!”

Additionally, Disney wants to create a new class of workers who put in less than 30 hours a week. Those part-time workers would receive no sick or vacation pay and not be given holidays. The company also wants to increase the number of hours full-time employees must work before qualifying for the health plan.

“Where will it end?” exclaimed Ariel of “Little Mermaid” fame. “We can only give so much of ourselves. I’ve been putting in over 60 hours a week with this ‘Disney Princess’ bullshit, and I’m completely tapped!”. She also added “Hell, I should be getting a raise for putting up with that pretentious bitch Snow White for the last 5 years. Princess my ass”.

Disney spokeswoman Lisa Haines said Disney and the union are in negotiations and nothing has been finalized. "Clearly we're disappointed that Unite Here Local 681 has spent more time protesting," she said. "Publicity stunts are not productive and are extremely disruptive to the resort district."

Mickey Mouse, co-founder of Disney, could not be reached for comment.

Why ugly people shouldn't go to China

2008-08-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hopefully most of you were able to watch the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. If you’ve read my recent posts, you are aware of some of the extremes China has gone to for the big show. Things like shipping out the homeless and asking their citizens not to pee in public are two good examples of this “commitment to excellence”.

I thought I had heard it all, until I came across this story.

Remember that precious little girl in pigtails who sang that beautiful song as the flag was carried into the stadium? Yea - she lip-synched the entire thing. The voice we heard was that of Yang Peiyi, who has a chubby face and uneven teeth. Way too ugly to be seen in public. I mean look at her - she's hideous!

“The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings, and expression," said Chen Qigang, the general music designer of the ceremony. "The reason why little Yang was not chosen to appear was because we wanted to project the right image, we were thinking about what was best for the nation," Chen said in an interview that appeared briefly on the news website Sina.com (right before it was apparently wiped from the Internet in China - hmmm).

Apparently the final decision to go Milli Vanilli was made after a senior member of China's ruling Communist Party politburo attended a rehearsal. "He told us there was a problem that we needed to fix it, so we did," he said, without disclosing further details of the order.

It’s a good thing Mick Jagger wasn’t born in China.

As if that weren’t enough, organizers have also admitted that those really cool “live” pictures of “firework footprints” Tiananmen Square to the Olympic stadium in were actually partly computer-generated or pre-recorded for TV.

Wang Wei of the organizing committee insisted the fireworks had actually exploded on the night and that most of the television images used were genuine. "However, because of the poor visibility of the night some previously recorded foots may have been used," he said. Maybe they were obscured by Beijing’s unique “oxygen to crap ratio” hanging in the atmosphere.

I can not tell you how disappointed I am. I wonder what schmuck had to tell Yang Peiyi that she was too ugly to be on camera, so a prettier girl will go instead. And even better, that prettier girl will be pretending to sing with your perfect voice, so she’ll be even more perfect. We want the ceremony to be perfect, don’t we?

I hope the Chinese government offered to pay for the lifetime’s worth of counseling she’s going to need.

Sanitized for your protection

2008-08-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

The last 2 articles I’ve written on this have well, bashed the Chinese for their intolerant policies regarding “foreigners” in their country. So I thought I’d talk about some of the things China is doing to make your stay as comfortable as possible.

With an eye towards the aesthetic, Beijing is rounding up all petitioners (beggars), the homeless, and migrant workers. These “less desirables” are being offered (forcibly) free transportation to anywhere other than Beijing. The just don’t look good on camera.

Chinese officials have also provided its citizens a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” when around company – here’s just a few:
- DO throw your garbage in an actual garbage can
- DON’T urinate in public
- DO give directions to the nearest restaurant if asked
- DON’T give directions to the nearest restaurant serving dog

Some other etiquette tips China offers as good advice include: "Don't ask about income or expenses, don't ask about age, don't ask about love life or marriage, don't ask about health, don't ask about someone's home or address, don't ask about personal experience, don't ask about religious beliefs or political views, don't ask what someone does for a living". The government has campaigned against public urination, smoking, spitting, queue-jumping, littering and even speaking loudly in public. Apparently the government trusts it's own citizens to behave less than it does the tourists.

Alarming translations abound in Chinese restaurants are being given a linguistic makeover. The traditionally named "husband and wife's lung slice" appetizer which is being replaced by the more appealing "beef and ox tripe in chili sauce," which sounds just as yummy! And for the first time in Beijing: public toilets will have toilet paper and eateries have health and sanitation standards. Talk about pulling out all the stops!

Olympic volunteers have also been briefed on how to handle disabled athletes. This is an excerpt from the original handbook, which has since been revised. I can't imagine why:

"[Disabled people] show no differences in sensation, reaction, memorization and thinking mechanism from other people, but they might have unusual personalities because of disfigurement and disability. For example, some physically disabled are isolated, unsocial, and introspective; they usually do not volunteer to contact people," and "They can be stubborn and controlling; they may be sensitive and struggle with trust issues. Sometimes they are overly protective of themselves, especially when they are called crippled or paralysed." Those cripples are so over-sensitive! Can you feel the love here?

I really, really hope these Olympics are the best ever. I just question why a country with such abhorrent human rights policies would be allowed to host an international event designed to celebrate diversity, not crush it out with an iron fist. Personally, I really don't feel like they deserved the honor, due to their past and present behavior.

My hope is to hear Richard Gere scream out "Free Tibet!" in a quiet moment of the Opening Ceremony. Just to see what happens - just for shits and giggles.

"The Tomb" by F. Paul Wilson

2008-08-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

I was recently introduced to this series by a friend of mine, and am pretty much hook. “The Tomb” (later renamed the “The Last Rakosh”) is the first of the “Repairman Jack” series. Repairman Jack is kind of like a cross between “The Equalizer” and “Indiana Jones”, but way more human and down to earth. The title “Repairman” doesn’t refer to appliances as much as it does righting wrongs done to his clients.

This book starts with the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend’s elderly aunt, and of course Jack is happy to help the woman he is still in love with. What develops is a mystery surrounding familial legacies, vendettas, legends and myths going back almost 200 years. After you get through the character development in the first few paragraphs, it picks up and keeps going.

F. Paul Wilson is known for his supernatural thrillers, and has gotten pretty good at it. “Jack” is a very likeable character that you can really identify with, as are the ancillary characters. Other than the slow beginning, the plot is fast-moving and keeps you guessing. There are some really good twists.

Happy reading!

"The Host" by Stephanie Meyer

2008-08-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

"The Host" comes out right on the heels of the hugely successful "Twilight Series", but don't pick this up if you're looking for a sequel. This is a completely different work written in a more sophisticated style, and the storyline is much more complex and engaging.

The story revolves around alien parasites who have quietly taken over The Earth. Fantastic, I know - not usually my cup of tea either. The main characters are a woman who has been taken over by one of these aliens, and the alien that has taken her over. It's very bizarre dynamic, but really kind of cool if you think about it.

The "host" personality draws the alien into her memories, thoughts and feelings, and also makes her opinions well known to her captor. Obviously, she's less than happy with her situation. More insistent however are her thoughts and feelings about the love of her life that she was forced to leave behind. Between the two of them, they try and find their way back.

The characters we so well developed, I found myself painfully attached to them throughout the entire book. I cried my eyes out with sympathy, horror and anger through the whole thing. I loved the writing, the plot was great, and it's a storyline that I thought was completely unique. This is one of those books that really makes you think.

If it doesn't sound like something you'd like or normally read, try it anyway. My husband forced this book on my and I am so glad he did. Loved it!

How to fit in

2008-08-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

BOCOG (the Beijing Organizing Committee of the Olympic Games) has announced a list of 57 “Rules for Foreigners”, presented in a Q&A format. Here’s a few choice picks representative of the warm reception you can expect in Beijing:

• Some parts of the country are closed to visitors -- specifically Tibet.
• Olympic tickets are no guarantee of a visa to enter China. Visas seem to be harder and harder to get – it’s almost like they don’t want us there…
• Don’t plan on camping out – you will be considered homeless. They don’t want you to disturbing their “civilized” appearance.
• Plan on carrying your passport with you everywhere. This way they can “examine” the passports at any time. You know, like in Nazi Germany.
• It is prohibited to wave banners of any religious, political or ethnic slogans, banners and other items. Leave your “Free Tibet” posters at home.
• Don’t get drunk in public, or you will be “dealt with”
• Don’t bring into China “anything detrimental to China’s politics, economy, culture or moral standards, including printed material, film negatives, photos, records, movies, tape recordings, videotapes, optical discs and other items.” And yes, that includes the Judas Priest LP’s you were planning on bringing.

• All rallies, demonstrations and marches, at athletic sites or anywhere else, are also banned during the Games unless approved in advance by public security agencies (like that’s going to happen), a longstanding policy in China even when no Games or other big events are being held. So basically, all you have to do is ask permission to protest, and you can! Right.
• All public swimming pools in Shanghai will check shampoos and body wash. As every good Chinese citizen knows, us Interlopers are pretty filthy.

Now, I understand China’s desire to keep the status quo. The problem is their idea of “status quo” is a long way off from the rest of the worlds. Not every government monitors and censors it citizens with an iron fist. And some of these absurd “common sense” rules are downright insulting. Really, we have to bathe!? Those darn Communists!

Leave the Valtrex at Home...

2008-08-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

I love the Olympics. I love the competition, I love routing for my country, and appreciate the talent it takes to get there. Most of all, I love the sense of warmth and good-will that is generated by the Olympics. However, I think my impression of the Olympics as a whole is about to change. This article is the first of a series that should give an idea of what to expect from “the host country” for these Olympics.

On Monday, the organizers of the Beijing Olympics issued its “Six categories of laowai (foreigners) who will be banned from entering China.” Most of them make sense, relating to terrorist activities, selling drugs, etc. There are a few in particular however that seem a bit much.

Here’s the complete list:
1 Foreigners who have already been deported by the government (unless you have been deported and already served your three-year ban… then you’re free to re-apply for a visa – no guarantees though, obviously)
2 Foreigners who have the potential to conduct terrorist operations, violence, or to plan to “overthrow the government”
3 Foreigners considered to have the potential to smuggle or sell drugs or engage in prostitution (closing Maggie’s was a good first step)
4 Have a psychological disorder or other disease such as leprosy, tuberculosis, or a “sexual illness”
5 Foreigners who can not afford expenses during their stay in Beijing
6 Foreigners who are considered to have the potential to endanger the state security and state interests

Number 5 is one of my favorites - “Foreigners who can not afford expenses during their stay in Beijing”. It’s just so ridiculous! Do they really think the world’s indigent have saved up for a ticket to China to go beg there? Why would someone go to the Olympics of all things of they were flat broke? And is this concern really in the same league with terrorist acts?

I also liked #3, “Foreigners considered to have the potential to smuggle or sell drugs or engage in prostitution”. Does that mean if you dress like a tramp or wear lots of gold chains they won’t let you in? What exactly do they mean by “potential”?

Obviously, the most disturbing is #4. Psychological disorder? Sexual illness? And who the hell has leprosy any more? I can’t believe that these issues are looked upon with such derision by the Chinese that they would ban people sealing with these things them from the Olympics. And how exactly will this be enforced - are they going to pat me down for Valtrex? Will I be searched for Prozac? Or maybe it will be on the honor system.

To me, this is a clear representation of how the Chinese view the rest of the world. Beggars, thieves, depraved, crazy and diseased – Why did they sign up for this if it meant letting in the riff-raff from outside their precious borders? I really think the IOC had it's head up it's ass when this decision was made, and think it's going to blow up in their faces.

Just remember all you lepers out there, China is on to your rotting asses!

grumpy old men

2008-07-31T13:51:00.000-07:00

What’s happened to John McCain? He started this race as an honorable statesman and war-hero, with the highest respect from his peers. Going into this race, I remember thinking “if it has to be a Republican, I would want it to be John McCain.” Not so much anymore.

This morning I got to see Mr. McCain’s latest campaign ad, comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears - all celebrity and no substance. Apparently they are trying to take Obama’s popularity and turn it into a vice. But, don’t all political candidates want to be popular? Isn’t that how they get elected? Doesn’t McCain want the public to like him, or does he even care?

Within hours of that gem, he flat-out accused Obama of “playing the race card”. Seriously!? I can’t think of anything more desperate or cliché to throw into a political campaign. This came in response to Obama stating that Republicans would try and scare the public by saying things like "`he's (Obama) not patriotic enough, he's got a funny name,' you know, `he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.`” McCain sounds more and more desperate every time he opens his mouth.

And then there’s all the viral bullshit floating around. There was a heart-warming memo about the many, many virtues of Cindy McCain, supposedly written by an “objective observer”. Of course it doesn’t talk about how she is a recovering drug addict, and stole said drugs from a charitable organization to feed her habit. In a not-so-strange coincidence, this came out right about the time Michelle Obama was being bashed for saying she was finally proud of her government. Hmmm...

Another memo, again supposedly from a concerned citizen trying to inform the masses, on the evils of Barack Obama: he’s a radical Muslim, he refuses to recite the pledge of allegiance, he was sworn into Senate on the Quran instead of the bible… It goes on and on with outright, confirmed falsehoods. I wonder where this stuff comes from…

The last straw came for me this morning, when my Republican friend sent me a video comparing Barack Obama to Fidel Castro. They were both young and promised change, therefore Obama will become a dictator and turn us into a communist state. You can watch it here. If this isn’t a ridiculous case of grabbing at straws, I don’t know what is.

So what has happened to John McCain? He was an honorable, likeable, moderate Republican that had promise. Certainly, any honor he had is long gone. He’s become a desperate, angry old man, trying to mask his own unpopularity by spewing lies and ridiculous innuendo. And yes, I applaud Obama for taking the high road. He’s not handing out mud pies, he’s barely recognizing the ones being thrown at him.

Is it November yet?

Condiment request turns ugly

2008-07-30T12:29:00.001-07:00

Remember that ridiculous commercial with the 2 geezers in Bentley’s, and one pulls up to the other and asks “Would you have any Grey Poupon?” It was hilarious in its stupidity. And of course we all made fun of it until it turned from way funny to way annoying.

Apparently Stephen Cox (hehe) of Sandy, UT didn’t get that particular memo. On June 18th in Murray UT (also the home of has-been David Archuleta), a motorist, who, after getting the driver next to him to roll down his window, asked "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Upon hearing the request for said condiment, the 22-year-old driver, Vitaly Kovtun, pulled a handgun from his glove compartment, cocked the weapon and pointed it at the three people in the other car. He then added "Here's your Grey Poupon - roll your fucking windows up!"

Nothing says “Shut your God-damn pie hole idiot” like a gun in the face. Police later found the man, who admitted his long-time hatred of Dijon mustard. He was booked for aggravated assault, but received high praise for scaring the shit out of a couple assholes.

dark night inspires dark tragedy

2008-07-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

Mondays are a generally slow night in the peaceful hamlet of Three Rivers, MI. Last Monday however, that peace was woefully shattered by a grisly wake-up call from infamous villain, “The Joker”. The town will never be the same.

Apparently, 20-year old Spencer Taylor thought last Monday would be the perfect opportunity to break out his new “Joker” costume, and wreak havoc on the local movie theater. In his green wig, fancy purple suit, and his face painted as his favorite comic book character (aaawwwww), Mr. Taylor tried to steal movie posters and generally “bust up the place”.

Sadly for Taylor, the 16 year-old girl at the ticket counter felt enough was enough, and restrained him until police arrived. “He kicked and screamed and cried”, said Candy Dofino, “I really felt sorry for the little guy.”

That last part I made up, but I think it’s a funny visual.

Anyhoo, Mr. Taylor has been booked for investigation of larceny and malicious destruction of property. Sorry kid, maybe next time. They may take your freedom, but they can never take your dreams.

A great idea gone horribly wrong...

2008-07-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that my favorite television genre, Reality TV, has of late taken on a much, much darker side. Disturbing images from the past that we had all assumed were dead and gone, are now crawling out from the depths and creating their own reality shows. I offer the following examples as a warning to all Reality TV buffs looking for a new fix.

The Two Coreys
This ridiculous time-waster is set around Corey Haim and Corey Feldman trying to kiss and make-up. They will both be starring in Lost Boys 2, and want to make sure they have that “warm fuzziness” back in their relationship before they start shooting. They actually go to a therapist, where we see the disturbing image of Corey Feldman crying over his lost love, Corey Haim. Can’t we all just get along?

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels, former AquaNet king from the eighties hair-band “Poison”, is entering into his 3rd season of his ongoing search for “true love”. Basically, Bret has developed his own version of “The Bachelor”, where he always gets to be the bachelor. As we are going into season 3, so apparently things haven’t gone so well.

This season, he’s going cross-country on his tour bus with a bunch of well, skanks, trying to get in his pants. As you can see by the pic, Bret has great taste in women - so classy! So when he gives them the boot – does he just drop them at the nearest truck stop? Judging by this photo, they'd probably be able to find work pretty quick...

Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant!
That’s right, Scott Baio has his own reality show, and apparently it’s starting it’s second season. Apparently he knocked up his girlfriend and now their getting married. For shame, Chachi, for shame!!

Other media whores/D-listers with their own reality shows
Christopher Knight, Tori Spelling, Dina and Ali Lohan, Brooke Hogan, George Foreman, the entire cast of “The Surreal Life” including Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), Ron Jeremy (porn star – really gross), Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer (WWF Professional Wrestler), Sandy “Pepa” Denton (of Salt n’ Pepa), Bridgette Nielsen, Vanilla Ice, Robin Leach, Emmanuel Lewis (the midget from “Webster”), Andrea Lowell (Playboy model), C.C. Deville (formerly of hair bands Poison and Warrant).

What is going on?! Scott Baio? Emmanuel Lewis? Vanilla Ice for God’s sake?! It’s like a horrible nightmare about being chased by zombies with big hair and royalty checks – they just won’t die! All I’m saying is, be careful out there.

lovesick

2008-07-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Courtney Love has lost her mind. This fact is painfully, excruciatingly, outlined on her MySpace blog located here. Here you can truly experience the psychosis that is Courtney Love.

Here’s an introduction to her alter ego, “Cherry Kookoo”, who seems to be responsible for most of her behavior and inane ranting:

“thank you for putting up with my kookoo bananas alter ego should; we give her a name? shoudl we give my alter ego a name? hmnmmmm Cherry! "Cherry kookoo" so if /when im overcome and blog again wich i wont do i took a picture of a friend looking at me rather sternly to remind me not to- well know it was Cherry Kookoo, but i think I've killed her off.”

Apparently this is what happens when Cherry Kookoo comes out when Courtney is blogging:

“give me My bloody Valentine, Fleetwoood Mac, glasvegas ArcadeFire, Abba, Bread, and Joy Divison, and .....yes could I take one more...the Libertines...oh shit I think CHERRY KOO KOO GET OUT OUT OUT you STUPID BITCH, go POSE FOR THE PAPS, TRY RUNNING NAKED OR SOMETHING!! GOD SHE ='s SUCH A FUCKING PEST , I swear to god, shej's obssessed me!!”

There’s an enormous amount of ranting about all the people who have stolen her money, all the fraud she has been subjected to, the assholes at Experian messing with her credit score, and her credit card bills. She loves to point out that all these bloodsuckers are stealing from “her daughter”, not her. Oh – and it seems she’d like to start a lesbian affair with Gwenyth Paltrow.

It is important to note that I have not edited anything (painful as it was) – I wanted to give you a true taste of Courtney’s mastery of the English (I think) language.

What I can’t stress enough is the pure volume of shit – I think it’s called “diarrhea of the mouth”. It goes on and on and on and on. Kind of like this post. Regarding the sweet pic I found, admittedly, I could’ve picked a better shot. But I think this one really shows her inner beauty. So to sum up, she’s fucking nuts.

Jesse Jackson offers support, castration

2008-07-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

Jesse Jackson is the latest in a long line of political supporters to open their big fat mouths and become a liability to their politician of choice. His recent comment on his desire to relieve Obama of his nut sack is a prime example. Of course Jesse is known for some interesting sound bytes, including his description of New York as “Hymietown” – a classic.

Why can’t these people keep their mouths shut, or God forbid think before they speak? Is there a contest going on to see who can be the most inflammatory, because every week there’s a new pearl of wisdom that the press is all over like white on rice. Here are a few examples of really stupid comments from this presidential race alone:

Charlie Black, McCain Top Advisor: - “Another terrorist attack on U.S. soil would be a "big advantage" and such an attack "certainly would be a big advantage to him." And Republicans wonder why us Dems look at most Republicans as war-mongers. It must be all in our heads. Speaking of “all in our heads”…

Phil Graham, McCain Economic Advisor: "We have sort of become a nation of whiners," and "You just hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline". "You've heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession." I guess we’re all imagining the skyrocketing price of gas, ridiculous price of food, and the mass layoffs of late. And if they are real, stop fucking whining about it! What a jackass.

Samantha Power, Obama Foreign Policy Aide - "She is a monster, too – that is off the record – she is stooping to anything." I knew I saw horns poking out from under her hair! A bit much, don’t you think? And please, you’re talking to a reporter – nothing’s off the record, dumbass.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Obama’s Pastor: “Hillary is married to Bill, and Bill has been good to us. No he ain’t! Bill did us, just like he did Monica Lewinsky. He was riding dirty.” and this gem "Hillary can never know that. Hillary ain't never been called a nigger." Nice. So if you haven’t been grievously insulted, you are not qualified to hold office. Maybe someone should publicly tell her to always wear a white dress, because the dishwasher should match the fridge. Would that make her worthy? It’s so endearing to hear a man of the cloth fostering peace, harmony and love.

Personally, I think this crap is hilarious, and the hits just seem to keep on comin’. I’m hoping someone will tell Cindy McCain that it would be tacky to let a trophy wife become First Lady.

Bill Clinton - the death of a dream

2008-07-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

This article from The Onion (one of the funniest sites out there) tells of Bill Clinton's dashed hopes of becoming first lady. Check it out here. A disturbing view of one man's shattered dreams.

The Pringle - neither a potato nor a chip.

2008-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Boy do I feel stupid. According to a British judge, Pringles are not in fact potato chips. Apparently, they are something “else”, which as of yet remains undefined. Here is an excerpt of the news article which shattered my long held beliefs about Pringles:

“Pringles don't fulfill the legal definition of "potato crisp," allowing them to be sold tax-free in Britain. Under law, most food is exempt from the 17.5% sales tax. The national tax office claimed that Pringles were covered by an exception for products such as potato chips, sticks or puffs.

Procter & Gamble maintains that the snack isn't a chip because it is cooked from baked dough, not potato slices. Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," said P&G's lawyer. "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." The judge agreed. "Pringles aren't "made from the potato" for the purposes of the tax exemption," he said. He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.

So as it turns out, Pringles aren’t made from potatoes – they’re made from baked dough. I feel completely bamboozled. I do however feel much more informed after reading the definition of a potato chip vs. a Pringle - Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," and "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." Indeed. There are many other things that give a sharp crunchy sensation under the tooth, not all of them good.

And then this – “He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.” Excuse me? You don’t know what they are? Unfortunately, this revelation has forced me to rethink the Pringle as one of my favorite snacks, due to its increasingly shady provenance in the junk food community.

solving the mystery that is "The Twinkie"

2008-06-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

This week’s pick for “Asinine Website of the Week” is certainly asinine, but hilarious as well. The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project (Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations), ”is a series of experiments conducted during finals week, 1995, at Rice University. The tests were designed to determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie.” Obviously, my interest was piqued.

This website has all the answers to the eternal questions that have haunted Twinkie lovers through the years. Questions such as “what is the maximum density of a Twinkie?” or “what are the rapid oxidation qualities of a Twinkie?”, or the ever-present “what would happen if I dropped a Twinkie from the 6th floor of Lovett College?”.

I was especially impressed with the clinical testing environment in which these trials were held, as well as the proposed applications for each result.

On a darker note, this website also speaks to the dangers of scientists with too much time on their hands. While this “seemingly benign” experimentation on Twinkies seems all well and good, where do we draw the line? Ho-Hos, Moon Pies, Snowballs? Could Grandma’s Apple Pie eventually be subject to the same kind of scrutiny as the unfortunate Twinkie? What type of horrors will be devised for this piece of Americana? I shudder to think of the ramifications.

Anyway, the site is fucking hilarious.

Watch your back DaVinci!

2008-06-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

So here it is, the Asinine Website of the Week.

The website, Chindogu, refers to the art of the "unuseless idea." As described by Kenji Kawakami, author of “101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions: The Art of Chindogu”, Chindogu features devices designed to solve all the nagging problems of domestic life.

Chindogu devices are the answer for life’s little conundrums such as, “how can I make my toilet seat feel like real grass?”, or “how can I wear a roll of toilet paper on my head so I don’t run out?”, or the ever-present “I wish I had a fake appendage to practice hand-holding with my new girlfriend – my palms are so sweaty when I’m nervous!”

This is some of the most bizarre crap I’ve ever come across. There are chew counters to keep track of your chewing endurance, a solar powered lighter that includes a magnifying glass, and a noodle eaters hair guard that when worn, makes you appear to be an extra on the set of Jurassic Park. I can’t seem to pick a favorite – it’s a toss up between the 360o Daddy Nurser, or the Outdoor Loo Seat to put me back in touch with nature.

There is a much bigger collection of these gems that can be found at The Chindogu Files. Prepared to be shocked and awed.

Is Mary Murphy the spawn of hell?

2008-06-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

In an earlier post about the summer’s upcoming Reality TV line-up, I classified "So You Think You Can Dance” in the “What will probably suck but I’m watching anyway” category. I have to admit, I was wrong.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “that’s just not possible – you’re right about everything!” But being perfect means admitting when you’re not – it is an oxymoron, I know.

But seriously, I love this show. The dancing is really, really good. I actually found myself in tears the other night. Its one near-fatal flaw is Mary Murphy. The screams, the cackles, those bug eyes! And those teeth – My God! They are mutant white. I swear she must gargle with bleach to achieve that glow-in-the-dark look. Do you think America could vote her off?

Aside from Scary Mary, I have definitely found a new favorite. If you appreciate art, you really should check it out.

imagine my surprise!

2008-06-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

I got an email today from Mr. Walter Casper, who is apparently a Director at Worldbank Delegates in West Africa – Nigeria to be specific. Apparently, I have an overdue inheritance of $4.5MM just waiting to be sent to me. Evidently Janet White came into his office a few days ago claiming to be my representative.

Out of obvious concern that I am being duped by the suspicious Ms. White, Mr. Casper would like me to send him my bank information so he can confirm my identity. Otherwise he says, “We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs. White, if we do not hear from you within the next seven working days from today.” Well, geez, I better get right on that.

Who the hell is falling for this?! I’m assuming they must be out there, because this crap keeps coming. I though the threat of being duped by a third party was a nice touch. That and the obvious concern for my welfare. I had no idea there were so many helpful and selfless people in Nigeria!

How to find love if you're ugly

2008-06-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new series, "Asinine Blog of the Week". It occurred to me how many blogs people are writing these days, and I figured there's got to be some pretty good material out there.

As most of you know, I work in the online dating industry. I came across an online dating site that I think would be perfect for those unfortunate souls who have a harder time than most getting a date. Say for example, those with with extra limbs, unusual facial growths, eyepatches, and unfortunate birth defects. InmateConnection.com is a lovely personals site to meet inmates looking for love. Including men and women, this seems like the perfect place to meet that special someone.

Take for example Michael Marple, whose interests include country music, reading, crossword puzzles, murder, working out, running, classic cars, good conversation and making new friends. He's looking for someone who can be open minded, honest, sincere and are not interested in playing head games. Now I ask you ladies, does it really get any better than that?

The Twilight series

2008-06-04T09:56:00.000-07:00

The Twilight series my Stephenie Meyer was recommended to me by some friends at the office, swearing to me that it “so awesome” and that “I would love it”. This was then followed up with a brief summary of the series – geared towards young adults, a high school student falls in love with a vampire. Jessica was even kind enough to but me a copy for Christmas, however it sat untouched in my bookcase for the next six months.

Some of my favorite books include “Pride & Prejudice” by Jane Austen, “The Lord of the Rings” By R.R. Tolkien, “David Copperfield” by Charles Dickens and “The Dark Tower” series by Stephen King. You can see my hesitation. Not that I’m a book “snob” if you will, but I definitely have my standards. Then another friend recommended it to me as well, with the same raving reviews. So I finished up “The Venetian Betrayal” by Steve Berry, and dug in.

Hooked. Instantly. I started the first book on a Tuesday night, but because of the need to make money for a living, I wasn’t able to complete it until Thursday night. I started the second book, “New Moon” Friday night, and started and finished “Eclipse” on Sunday. The last time I was that wrapped up in a storyline was “The Witching Hour” series by Anne Rice.

Edward Cullen, the big V, is just scrumptious. Bella Swan, his romantic interest, I thought was very believable. Her description of their love and losses however is what got me the most. I bawled almost constantly through “New Moon”. There’s quite a few fans of the series who didn’t like this book, but I truly believe that unless you’ve gone through a horrific loss you won’t be able to identify.

Granted, the writing isn’t Tolkien, but the story is simply awesome. What’s even better, it evoked such emotion for me it was well worth the read. The next and last book in the series, “Breaking Dawn”, is scheduled to be released August 2, 2008. Additionally, Hollywood has picked up Twilight – the move is scheduled to be released 12/12/08.

Here’s a link to the author’s website: www.stepheniemeyer.com. Happy reading!

let the games begin

2008-06-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my stepson’s first little league game. Very exciting for all involved. The pre-game show was extremely entertaining, as the “first-years” played something resembling baseball – there were bats, balls and mitts, however when the ball reached the field all the children threw themselves in a pile over the ball. Then a small figure would emerge from the bottom of the pile proudly displaying the baseball he had “caught”. It kind of reminded me of a rugby scrum.

Vinny did awesome. His batting stance made me a bit apprehensive, however he did get off a few good ones. My husband, bless him, was a bit more anxious than was probably necessary. It was brought to his attention by two of us that Vincent’s batting stance could use, well, a lot of help. Both heads were bitten cleanly off. Apparently, Jamie’s manhood will be decided by Vinny’s success or failure in the cut-throat world of T-Ball.

I’m pulling for you honey.

Tatum O'Neil "rescued"

2008-06-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Oh Tatum. You can’t take here anywhere! Because apparently she is drawn to homeless drug dealers who want to sell her coke.

What kills me is the ridiculous crap she was spewing trying to squirm her way out of it. First she tried telling the cops who she was, in an effort to use her lackluster star power to get a break. Then she says she was researching a role. Right.

Then she says the death of her dog prompted her to go out looking for drugs. Is that the best she’s got?

Then she goes on “The Early Show” and says that the police officers who arrested her for drug possession actually “rescued” her. What does that mean? She was saved from buying over-cut blow? According to her however, without the cops, she may gone further down the spiral. I think that ship has sailed.

The local bartender was quoted as saying "It doesn't seem like something you would do if you did not want to get caught. Why would she go on the street to score like that?" Well, at least she’s got the local bartender vouching for her. That should go a long way in court.

suck it up

2008-06-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

Apparently being a gynecologist from Chicago means that: a) You are a bitch, and b) you have to talk with a bizarre, snotty tone at all times. I can see that Nicole is the one who is really going to provide me with some great content. That whole business with her refusing to sleep outside – OMG! Then she started referring to herself as Dr. Diva. I thought it was priceless when she found out they were all leaving her on the beach for the night. At least that left her free to find prey in the cover of darkness before turning into a bat.

My husband and I are kind of leaning towards skinny, whiny Bobby as the Mole last night, but now I’m having second thoughts. I think that Mark is also a strong candidate. The man’s a history teacher – in the Carusoe challenge the things he was putting on the table were ridiculous. A Victrola, seriously? It wasn’t even put on the market until 1901.

And let’s face it, anyone who would voluntarily style his hair like that has got to be hiding something.

play nice, boys...

2008-05-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

I had this show on my list of “What will probably suck, but I’m watching anyway”. Frankly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach this crap for the next three months. I was downright embarrassed for these idiots (yes, the bachelors). It was so uncomfortable! I felt like I was watching a school-yard pick gone horribly wrong, which brought back many traumatizing memories I might add.

After watching the second episode, I could not believe the de-evolution that was beginning to take shape with these otherwise, smart, successful, gorgeous guys. What a bunch of bitches! The pic on the left pretty much sums it up.

My favorite moment: Ryan, the 28 year old virgin who tells everyone who will listen about his superior morals and unshakable faith, called Jeremy a jackass (I think – it was beeped). He was the only one on the show that got openly hostile and started swearing. Jeremy of course seems to be in the lead for DeAnna’s affections. I really can’t stand when people go around bragging about their “relationship with God” and “saving themselves for marriage”, blah blah blah. It usually tells me they are insecure and are covering for something else. In this case, Ryan was covering the fact that he’s an asshole.

I must admit, the show provides good material. But all the cheesy speeches and liturgies from these love-struck morons is almost too much to bear. For my art, however, I’ll tough it out as long as I can. The three people who read this blog would expect nothing less.

Cook wins Idol, beats up jason castro

2008-05-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

David Cook Wins!!! Yay!!! I was freaking out after Tuesday night’s show, but my boy pulled it out by a healthy margin. I watched the entire show, which I usually don’t do because the filler usually sucks. I’m glad I did though!

Here’s a quick recap - Seal sounded great, Bryan Adams is still really ugly, Donna Summer is still alive, I discovered I hate the Jonas Brothers, ZZ Top is still alive, George Michael is still really gay, Jordin Sparks needs to lay off the pork chops, Graham Nash is still alive, Carrie Underwood sounded great, and I’m dumping David Cook for Renaldo Lapuz. (that last part was a joke – I’d never dump David!)

My current home state of Utah is now harboring thousands of shattered girls all across the state. I’ve heard rumors that local Jr. High Schools are bringing in grief counselors (no, not really!). Some girl announced on TV she voted over 2,000 times! That’s a stalker in the making - Watch your ass, D.A.!

All in all, great season. David, you can stop calling me for advice now - you won!!! I'll see you next week in at the usual spot.

D-day on american idol

2008-05-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Clive’s Choices

David C. was given "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. I’m not a huge U2 fan but have always loved this song. I loved the down-tempo beginning. Things seemed to take a weird turn when he took the platform behind the judges. I don’t know if he lost his focus or what, but he seemed a little off. It still rocked.

David A. was given "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John. Awesome song. I think he did a great job with it, although that lower range isn’t his strong suit. We thought there were few spots that were slightly off, but that’s a big song for a little boy. I thought he was going to wet his pants when Simon told him “it was the best performance blah blah blah…” Great job, but no David Cook.

Songwriting Competition – Contestant’s Choice

David C. sang "Dream Big" by Emily Shackelton. The song got bagged on from the judges and everyone else I’ve talked to, but I really didn’t think it was that bad. Regardless, he did a good job with it. I thought he looked and sounded like a pro on tour. I’ll tell you what though, I really wish they’d get rid of this stupid songwriting competition. It’s not fair that the contestants have to hang their careers on the aspirations of wanna-be songwriters.

David A. sang "In This Moment" by Ryan Gillmor. So, so predictable. The song was as cheesy as is he is. But like everything else, he sang it beautifully. I just wish he’d loose the cheese factor and step it up.

Contestant’s Choice:

David C. sang "The World I Know" by Collective Soul – another awesome song. The judges gave him a bunch of shit about “poor song choice” – whatever. It so rocked. There were several parts of the performance that were amazing. That last note took mad skills. And then Simon tells him he should’ve sung “Hello” or “Billie Jean” again. To which he responded, “why would I do something I’ve already done?”. This was a bit of a dig to Archuleta, who repeated his performance of “Imagine” for his third song.

David A. sang "Imagine" by John Lennon – again. What a cop out!! Yes he sang it beautifully, no question. Here’s my issue – he picked a song that he knew everyone would love, because he already sang it! I think it’s a bit like cheating really. Not to mention that fact that perhaps we wanted to hear something new out of him. Now that was a bad song choice.

To sum it up (here comes the cheese)

This is why David Cook should win – David C. feels music at a level that David A. isn’t even close to understanding. After his performance, he there stood shaking and in tears – I felt like he had completely exposed his soul in that performance, or did the best he could. I can’t imagine what that feels like in front of tens of millions of people – but he did it willingly. I’ve heard many people say that D.A. has more talent technically, but after “The Music of the Night” I know that’s not true either. He has an amazing talent, and the courage to inject a part of himself into everything he sings. That’s what sets him apart from everyone else, and why he’s going to win.

David A. without a doubt is one of the most talented artists we’ve seen yet, especially for his age. He has put up some amazing performances. Here’s my issue with David A. - he doesn’t seem to understand or “feel” his own talent, and therefore can’t put part of himself into it. This is probably because he’s just not mature enough. He has absolutely no style of his own, other than singing how he was taught – technically perfect. But you know, never once have I seen him in tears over a great performance. The only thing that seems to put David A. in tears is praise from the judges, and not the gift God has given him.

Reality TV Summer 2008 Preview

2008-05-21T11:10:00.001-07:00

The Summer of ’08 will prove to be the most reality shows crammed into a 3 month period. Seriously, there are mad amounts of new shows. As such, I felt it my dity to break them down for you so you know where to start: “What probably won’t suck”, “What probably will suck”, and “What probably will suck but I’m watching anyway”.

FYI – anything that sounds official or is crappy copy, was plagiarized from RealityTVWorld.com

So get some coffee, get comfortable and peruse the glory that is reality TV. If you can’t find something to watch here, you’re obviously retarded (or have good taste).

What probably will suck, but I’m watching anyway

2008-05-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

The Bachelorette, Season 4 (premieres Monday, May 19 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
DeAnna Pappas got rejected by The Bachelor eleventh-season star Brad Womack... TWICE! Now ABC is giving the Southern belle her own opportunity to find love with the return of this The Bachelor spin-off.

I have never watched any of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” shows, but I thought I would give it a try. I think the premise is a bit cheesy, but there’s something about a bunch of morons, albeit extremely hot morons, throwing themselves at the feet of a woman. To be honest, I’m really looking forward to lots of beefcake as well.

So You Think You Can Dance, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 8PM ET/PT on Fox)
Mary Murphy screaming, Nigel Lythgoe getting face time and Cat Deeley doing her best Ryan Seacrest impression aren't the only things the fourth season of this reality series has to offer, as viewers will once again have the opportunity to crown the best dancer America has to offer.

Up until now, I have refused to watch these dancing shows, but I’ve been watching “Step it up and Dance” on Bravo, and I really like it. So I’ll give this a shot – hopefully I won’t lose any brain cells due to absolute stupidity on this, because I really don’t have many to spare. This chick certainly has some moves... I think she's doing what they call "The Drunk Elaine".

She's Got the Look (premieres Wednesday, June 4 at 10PM ET/PT on TV Land)
Modeling-themed reality competition shows can't be accused of being ageist anymore, as this new series will follow 10 woman 35 or older as they strut their stuff on the runway.

My only reason for watching this will be to give props to my sisters over the age of 35. I am so fucking tired of 30 pound 18 year old models strutting their bony asses all over the place.

Wipeout (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants will make their way through obstacle courses designed to produce what the network described as "the most crashes, face plants, impacts and wipeouts ever seen on television."

This would be nothing but my morbid sense of curiosity speaking. I loved the movie “Jackass”, and there’s something about seeing a bunch of idiots doing asinine stunts to win a prize. I’m really looking forward to the faceplants.

Shear Genius, Season 2 (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 10PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Contestants will need to creating fashionable coifs in weekly challenges. The biggest challenge will be dealing with the clients that some of the stylists have to deal with on a regular basis.

I watched this last year and found it mildly entertaining. The reason I’m watching it again is strictly for the really bad hair that this show turns out.

Big Brother 10 (premieres Sunday, July 13 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
This long-running reality series will be back for its traditional summer run. Since its ninth season was pretty lackluster, here's hoping the warmer temperatures can also add some heat to the competition.

I tried watching this years ago and was very underwhelmed - I only made it through 2 episodes. As my summer looks to be somewhat of a washout, I’m going to have some extra time on my hands. Let’s see how long I make it this year.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants are shipped halfway around the world for this new reality series, which will follow 10 Americans who are whisked away to Japan to compete in the "ultimate Japanese game show." Banzai!

ABC is apparently so desperate for a new premise they are putting contestants on the slow boat to China. This does sound mildly amusing, simply because Japanese game shows do some of the craziest shit ever. Again, I’m really looking forward to the faceplants

Summer Reality - what probably will suck

2008-05-20T15:52:00.001-07:00

American Gladiators, Season 2 (premieres Monday, May 12 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
The revival of this campy competition series will be back for a second season as part of NBC's "All American Summer", that will include the network's coverage of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.

“All American Summer”? For God’s sake please don’t include me with the wife-beating, redneck, white-trash losers who watch this crap. And for NBC to try a segue between "American Gladiators” and the Olympics is a travesty. And check out this pic – It’s a reunion tour for the Village People – aaaaawwwwww.

Million Dollar Password (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
Regis Philbin will helm this new game show that CBS is billing as a combination between classics Password and Pyramid.

Would someone please put this man out of his misery? Rather, put the American public out of it’s misery? Here’s a great idea, let’s take to cheesy game shows long past their expiration date, and have most reviled geezer America has to offer to host? Somewhere, there’s a village missing an idiot that can now be found working as a producer in LA. I’ve included a picture from their marketing campaign.

Bridezillas, Season 5 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 9PM ET/PT on WEtv)
The fifth season of this reality series debuts just in time for all those summer weddings on your itinerary, and this time the tyrannical brides-to-be apparently have some competition from family members, including a "Momzilla" in the premiere episode. Hopefully the happy couple made sure mom contributed her portion of the bill before she flipped out.

It’s not that this show downright sucks, but if you’re not a bride-to-be it’s pretty boring. Besides, the brides aren’t nearly crazy enough to keep it moving. Show me Brittany Spears planning her wedding – that would make for some good TV.

The Next Food Network Star, Season 4 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 10PM ET/PT on Food Network)
Food Network turned up the heat in the kitchen for the fourth season of this reality series, as Iron Chef America star Bobby Flay will become a regular member of the judging panel. However the "steaks" are still the same, with the culinary contestants having to prove they have what it takes to star in his or her own series on the network.

I’m sorry, this just seems like one more pathetic network making a pathetic attempt to get in on the reality TV boon. The premise has been done to death, and I can’t imagine The Food Network churning out anything that would hold my attention for more than 7 seconds.

Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on MTV) This new Grease: You're the One that I Want-like reality series searches talent for Laura Bell Bundy's replacement as Broadway's Elle Woods. However unlike NBC's Grease,the show's director and choreographer will ultimately pick the competition's winner to assure viewers don't kill the musical at the box office before it even opens.

First of all, I can not believe there is a Broadway show based on the movie “Legally Blonde”. Didn’t Nostradamus mention this as a portent of doom before the world comes to a fiery end? What the fuck is going on here?!?! But to take it a step further and spin-off a reality TV show around it, well, I hope you have all made your peace with God before he smites all for this blasphemous idiocy. Maybe we’re already in hell, and this is the type of entertainment we’ll all be forced to watch.

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation (premieres Friday, June 6 at 9PM ET/PT on Animal Planet)
Talk about anthropomorphic. The fourth season of this reality series could double as a chapter in human civilization, as the Kalahari Desert is up for grabs among the meerkats following the death of matriarch Flower. With rival meerkat gangs, romances and the struggle to survive, it doesn't get much more real than that (unless you're on The Hills).

I get it, they’re cute, they’re furry, and they all just lost Grandma. Who cares!

Nashville Star, Season 6 (premieres Monday, June 9 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
Not only does the sixth season of this reality competition series have a new home on NBC -- it will also feature several new faces and format changes, including host Billy Ray Cyrus; judges and musical mentors Jewel, John Rich and Jeffrey Steele; duets and trios have the chance to perform; and a lower minimum age requirement of 16-years-old. Yee-haw!

I’m definitely biased here, having hated country music since I could form sentences. But really, has anyone seen Billy Ray Cyrus lately? It must take him forever with that flat-iron to get ready in the morning. And what is that shit on his lower lip? And riddle me this Batman, would anyone under the age of 25 even know who he was if is wasn’t for his daughter (aka Hannah Montana). And Jewel, I expected more from you.

Celebrity Circus (premieres Wednesday, June 11 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
Celebrities undertake circus stunts in this revival of the old “Circus of the Starts” It’s cast reads like a who's who of celebrity reality show participants, some of which will undoubtedly create must-see-TV when they're shot out of a human catapult or juggle knives. Hosted by Joey Fatone: Christopher ''Peter Brady'' Knight, former supermodel Rachel Hunter, soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr., singer Blu Cantrell, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, and Jason ''Wee Man'' Acuna.

I think this train-wreck speaks for itself. Do you think they’ll have Wee-Man do sword swallowing?

America's Got Talent, Season 3 (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
This glorified talent show is back for a third season. However potential contestants aren't the only ones who have been honing their skills, as judge Piers Morgan recently sharpened his tongue by winning The Celebrity Apprentice and single handedly banishing Omarosa from TV... hopefully for good.

Jerry Springer – need I say more? Even though Piers Morgan did open up a big can o’ whoop-ass on Omarosa (The Apprentice), I can’t listen to him speak without wanting to take a shower. David, you were in Baywatch, and by default a jackass. Sharon, what were you thinking? And let’s not forget the “talent” (and I use the term loosely) – stilts, puppets, karate, creepy clowns… I really hope there’s a smackdown between the losing contestants every week.

The Baby Borrowers (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
Five young couples are followed as they are put on the fast-track to adulthood. With their baby growing from an infant to elder over the course of three weeks, the couples will either learn that they're ready for parenthood or in need of more birth control.

The name makes it sound like contestants have to kidnap a baby, and the one collects the ransom without being caught by 5-0 wins.. What do they mean “infant to elder” in 3 weeks? Do the losers go through a sterilization process? Why didn’t the parents of this producer go through a sterilization process?

Dance Machine (premieres Friday, June 27 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
This new series will feature six different people from various walks of life who face each other in a series of one-on-one dance offs for the chance to win a $100,000 prize.

Another gem from ABC. Are they trying to hit a world record for the most dance shows on a single network, or just the worst?

Greatest American Dog (premieres Thursday, July 10 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
America's Next Top Model goes to the dogs in this new reality series, which will follow a group of pageant pooches and their respective owners as they compete against each other in a series of canine-themed challenges for $250,000.

This one had me confused – is it for really ugly beauty paegent wanna-be’s, or actual four-legged dogs? Apparently CBS has created a “best-dog” contest for man’s best-friend, as they have run out of ways to judge humans. This whole concept is a dog.

Jingles (premieres Sunday, July 27 at 9PM ET/PT on CBS)
Ever wonder where those annoyingly catchy commercial ditties come from? This new Mark Burnett-created game show has the answer, as it will follow a team of contestants who are given weekly advertisement-writing assignments before having to perform the campaign they concocted, which will be voted on by home viewers.

“Jingles: The New Breed” Ugghhh!! As if we don’t have enough little annoying jingles getting stuck in out heads, CBS is tapping the vast talent pool of white-trash America. I think this is one of those shows that just by watching, your IQ will drop at least 50 points and you will have thoughts of suicide. Just Say No.

Summer reality - what probably won't suck

2008-05-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

Last Comic Standing, Season 6 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
With more than a dozen current and former network sitcom stars serving as talent scouts, it's home viewers who will once again get the chance to crown the king/queen of funny. Aspiting comedians face comedic challenges every week, and then face off with stand-up routines to see who goes home.

Love this show. I was just turned onto it last year by a friend and loved it. It’s funny and clever, and I’m so rooting for the girls this year.

The Mole, Season 5 (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this show's first non-celebrity edition in six years, a group of 12 contestants will compete in new missions at new locations while trying to determine who among them is attempting to sabotage their chances at winning the grand prize.

I’m a little dubious about this one, but who knows. I can’t stand celebrity reality shows, so I’m going to take a second look at this one. I wonder what the Mole will look like, because traditionally, moles are very, very ugly.

HGTV Design Star, Season 3 (premieres Sunday, June 8 at 9PM ET/PT on HGTV)
10 designers competing in the third season of this reality series will attempt to show-off their creativity, ingenuity and skills in the hopes of landing the grand prize of his or her own HGTV television show.

I watched this last season, and was a bit underwhelmed. But I love interior design. Besides, any reality TV show with the word “design” in it always has extremely, well, “colorful” characters.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, June 12 at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
The fourth season of this reality series will continue to follow the comedian as she lives life on the D-List. In addition to offending everyone, Griffin will also officiate a wedding and woo Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whom she recently split from after a brief romantic relationship.

She dated Steve Wozniak?!?! Yikes. Watching that train wreck play out is enough for me.

Wanna Bet (premieres Monday, July 21 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this new reality show Celebrities will wager on the success or failure of some of the wildest stunts, tricks and mental challenges dreamed up and performed by average Americans, with everything they win going to charity.

This sounds awesome. I’m picturing Ozzy Ozbourne and Gene Simmons betting on how many skin grafts will be needed to reattach the face of some dipshit who decides to try fire-eating. This sounds very promising.

Project Runway (premieres Monday, July ?? at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Emmy-nominated competition reality series Project Runway features host supermodel Heidi Klum and a panel of industry luminaries, including judges Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, Elle magazine fashion director, as they decide who is “in” and who is “out.” Tim Gunn, Chief Creative Officer at Liz Claiborne, Inc. once again acts as a mentor to the 15 contestants as they navigate weekly fashion challenges. Designers will be whittled down to the finalists who will show their own line at New York Fashion Week.

I have searched and searched for a premiere date, but couldn’t find anything, other than that it’s in July. This will be it’s last run on Bravo, as it’s moving to the Lifetime Network (gag) this fall. Sorry Gay community, you will now be forced to sit through countless tampon commercials and cheesy movie trailers. Whatever – I love this show and can’t wait for the premiere!!!

I'm so moving to murray

2008-05-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

Wow - was that Mayor guy hot or what?! That mustache - mmm. Imagine cuddling up to that every night.

Judges’ Picks

Paula picked “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel for David Archuleta – what a yawn. Once again, we see David crooning away with that glazed-over look in his eyes and sappy little smile. I know I’ve said it before, but the boy has no soul. Maybe he should hang out with Isaac Hayes and see if that helps. Wouldn’t it be funny to overlay D.A.’s voice when Chef goes into one of his “Lay You Down By The Fiiiiyyyaaahhhh” rifts?

Randy Jackson chose “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys for Syesha Mercado. I think she did the song justice. She looked fabulous, although I know this is usually the kiss of death. It’s a very tough song, but I think she pulled it off.

Simon Cowell chose, get this – “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack for David Cook. Of all the artists represented on the show, Roberta Flack would be the last person I’d choose for the metal/rocker guy. But, true to form, David changed it up and made it sound like it was written for him. David called me freaking out last week about this. I just told him to chill, and gave him some ideas on the arrangement. I think it turned out great.

Contestants’ Picks

David A. chose "With You” by Chris Brown. Now I understand he was FINALLY trying to sing something that actually had a tempo, but this just didn’t work. What was all that “My Boo” crap, anyway? It just sounded creepy coming from our little Idol mascot. Who knows, if “Daddy Dearest” was allowed any input he might have picked a better song. But at least this way he didn’t make David cry.

David Cook performed "Dare You To Move" by someone too young for me to know. I'm told it's a fairly new song, which explains my befuddlement. It was good, but once again, I couldn't fully enjoy it because I didn't know it. David, I've said it before and I'll say it again - I NEED to be consulted on your song choices.

Syesha chose “Fever” by Peggy Lee. The judges totally bagged on her, but personally I liked it. I love that song though, so I’m probably biased. If anything, it was a maybe bit on the Vegas side. But you know these darn kids these days with their new-fangled ways wouldn’t appreciate a golden oldie like “Fever”. I don’t think it was a good choice, but I still liked it.

Producers’ Picks

Ahem. For the record, the producers are obviously on crack.

For David A., they chose “Longer Than” by Dan Fogelberg. Wow. This song was over-the-top, vomit in my mouth cheesy when it came out in the 80’s. I hated it then, and I hate it now. So to hear the cheesiest contestant ever singing the cheesiest song ever, well, it was more than I could bear. It was a limburger cheese fest – pure cheese, and really stunk. At this point though, Little Davie could sing the ABC’s and get moved on to the next round.

David C. was assigned “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. Of the 3, this was the only producers’ pick that made an iota of sense. As usual, he did an awesome job with it. I loved the violins on stage. Jamie, I’m sorry, but I’m adding him to my 5.

For Syesha, they picked “Hit Me Up” from the “Happy Feet” soundtrack – as if she didn’t have enough problems. It was cute and bouncy, totally like something I’d see at a Disneyland show. Very, very unfortunate. Have a great life, Syesha.

Cast & Crew, Part 1

2008-05-13T11:13:00.001-07:00

Before I get into quirky anecdotal tales from the Perry-Trinchitella household, I just want to give everyone a brief overview or glossary, if you will, of the main characters in the ongoing saga that is my life.

Sean: Son, aged 21, currently living outside Chicago. Sean is much like me in many ways, dripping with sarcasm, liberal, detests organized religion, loves his music, and is extremely opinionated to the point of being obnoxious on occasion. My recent favorite Sean moment: On Christmas 2007, Sean admitted to me that he voted for George W. Bush in the last election. This was a dirty, dirty secret he withheld from me for 3 years. I thought it was funny though (after beating him senseless) that he was literally afraid to tell me about it for so long. But he’s back on the Democratic band-wagon, so I’m willing to let bygones be bygones and reclaim him as my son. I've included a photo of one of his favorite bands - we're so proud.

Jamie: Husband, aged 38, currently living outside SLC. Jamie is without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me, aside from my son. Jamie is the youngest of 8 children, 6 of them girls. Jamie knows the importance of yogurt to women while taking antibiotics, and can color my hair. Jamie has a raunchy sense of humor, and, let’s call a spade a spade, can be a big baby. My favorite recent Jamie moment: While trying to determine my foot size for Mother’s Day slippers, he called me posing as pervert with a foot fetish (in his best creepy, slimy voice), wanting to know if I had big feet. I’m not sure how much of a stretch this was for him - it sounded like he had a lot of practice. I included a picture of him on the left.

Julie: Sister, aged 36, currently living in Chicago. Julie is without a doubt my best friend. I mean sure, we tried to kill each other several times in Jr. High, but what's a little attempted homicide between sista's? Seriously, Julie and I have been through the worst and best times of our lives together. We can read each other like a book. On the phone, after a single syllable I can tell if she's pissed, and usually who at (although usually this is the same person). And the same with me. What sucks most is that she lives so far away. One of my favorite Julie moments: When I was still dating, my boyfriend and I went to Julie and Matt's for dinner. We were all in the basement, with the boyfriend and I leaning against the back of a couch. Julie casually goes to walk in front of us, then stops suddenly. She raises a knee, pulls back her fist, and blew ass like I had never heard before or since. Her husband was not amused, however we about pissed ourselves laughing so hard. Her harmonious, zen-like relationship with her gastro-intestinal system is one of her most endearing qualities, I think. I've attached her wedding photo as well. I'm the pretty one on the left. As you can see, the bitch cut me off in the photo - she's always been jealous of my looks.

That's it for now. There's a few more dossiers I will be sharing with you soon - I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath.

Survivor Micronesia - The season of the dumb-asses

2008-05-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

First, let me express my dismay over the end of what may have been the best Survivor to date. With all the twists, turns and blindsides towards the end, you never knew what was going on. The stupidity of certain players, made it all the more entertaining.

The first half I have to say was pretty lame. The show focused almost completely on the favorites, which was a bit annoying. We really didn’t learn much about the fans until after the merge. But then things started to get interesting. Here’s a few players of note:

Kathleen: What a psycho. From day one we knew she was weird with her commentary on gays. Awwwwkkkwwaaardd…… Then of course her nervous breakdown was well, priceless.

Chet: Was he bizarre or what? Certainly not a pleasant man to look at, he might have been one of the most useless players of all time. My favorite Chet moment was when Joel literally dragged him through the “log maze”, repeatedly slamming his face into tree after tree. I have a feeling that challenge pretty much summed up his high school years.

Eliza: She was kind of like the dorky girl in high school who wanted to fit in so badly, she turned evil when the cool girls wouldn’t let her in. Sitting in the jury, all that girl did was roll her bug eyes and laugh at everyone else’s misfortunes. Maybe the concentration camp she came from right before the show made her a little bitter. East a pork chop girl!

Natalie: You know the girls kept making jokes about stirring their witches’ cauldrons, but I’m pretty sure Natalie has one at home. She was kind of scary at the end, taking about flossing her teeth with the jugular veins of other contestants. Yikes.

James: Isn’t he so hot?

Eric: You just want to pat him on the head and tell him to go play with his little friends. I’m still baffled how he got that far in the game. His hand-off of immunity to Natalie was by far the dumbest move ever on Survivor. Look out Mensa! Just kidding – he’ll probably be in porn within the next 5 years.

Parvarti: Although I really wanted Amanda to win, I have to give Parv her props. She pulled off some awesome coups, and still kept loyal to her original alliance of Amanda and Cirie. She ran that show from beginning to end. Congrats!!

How about some of those jury questions? There weren’t too many surprises – Eliza was angry and bitter, James rakes Parvarti over the coals, Cirie was a little pissed, but my favorite was Ozzy. He absolutely reamed Parvarti. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a jury member go off on someone like that. What was awesome was his declaration of love for Amanda. That was so sweet and so sad, you can’t help but love the guy.

Here’s to a great season, and looking forward to the next. Cheers!

Survivor - the chicken or the egg?

2008-05-09T12:05:00.000-07:00

Question - If you are on an island, have a penis, and surrounded by girls, will it make you an imbecile? Or were you an imbecile to begin with? Not unlike the chicken and the egg, it's these rhetorical quandries that a girl could ponder for years and still not understand. Which of course brings us to last night's tribal council, and Eric's unbelievably idiotic decision to willingly hand over his immunity to Natalie. The same Natalie he had blatently screwed over after winning the reward challenge, and was lobbying for to get the boot. Mind boggling, I know.

Here's a quick breakdown of Eric's stupidity, and the genius he was up against. Open to Eric and Natalie, promising each other that of the two of them, whoever won the challenge would send the other to Exile to look for the idol. Cue Cirie, Amanda and Parv trying to figure out a way to use Eric to their advantage. Next to Amanda promising Eric to take him on the reward if she wins, and asking if he will do the same for her. He agrees. Then she talks him into sending Parv to Exile if he wins (preventing anyone else from finding the idol), which he also agrees to. Natalie who?

Eric did win the reward challenge, picked Amanda to go with him to a luxury spa, and sent Parv to Exile. Natalie? Really pissed. Cirie gets Nat back to camp and goes on and on about how Eric screwed Natalie over - "boy I'd be pissed if I were you..." Things are looking good for the ladies until Eric wins immunity. Desparate, the girls came up with a ridiculous plan to talk him into "redeeming himself" for his indescretions by handing over the necklace to Natalie at tribal. "you'll get more votes, everyone will trust you," etc., etc. I'm thinking no one is that stupid.

Once again, I was proven wrong. First off, the acting that was going on at tribal was impeccable. "You have to redeem yourself", "Actions speak louder than words", etc. etc. Then Jeff asks the obligatory question, does Eric want to keep his individual immunity. Eric gives a heart-warming liturgy about redeeming himself and hands it over to Nat. Are you kidding me?! That's 4 males in 4 weeks who had immunity and pissed it away. The best part of this might have been the jury's reaction to this astonishing act of stupidity. Not surprisingly Eric was shown the door, after every single one of those girls voted his ass out. James could barely contain himself from the jury, declaring he was no longer "the dumbest Survivor ever". No James, just one of the four dumbest ever.

Jeff Probst called it a life lesson. I call it fucking hilarious.

the artistry of marketing

2008-05-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

If you get a chance, check out this collection of If you get a chance, check out this collection of Really Bad Advertising at Flickr.com. Most of them on the older side, and are absolutely hilarious. What’s even worse are the recent ones. As a marketer and a person with eyeballs I can tell you, this stuff terrible – in a disturbingly funny way. There’s actually an ad of a husband spanking his wife for not using the right coffee. The nerve of that woman!

I love this guy though (see pic). And I'll be he loves his Thorazine! (I sure love mine...)

idol results - what a shocker.

2008-05-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Well, not really. Jason said goodbye last night after the train wreck of a performance on Tuesday. At least he wasn’t sobbing on stage. I won’t mention any names, but her name starts with a “B” (I’m so sneaky, aren’t I?).

So this leaves us with Syesha, David T. and David C., who I predict will go home in that order. Syesha has really surprised me – I thought she’d be gone long before now. She’s definitely a good singer, but personally I think she skated a bit.

So now we have David and David, who couldn’t be more different. David’s a rocker, with an amazing talent to take a song and completely change it up – always with awesome results. I’ve heard it said that David A is a more talented singer, but I beg to differ. If you listen to his performance of “The Music of the Night”, there is no doubt the boy can blow. He has the maturity, soul and talent that I think will not only win him this competition, but turn him into another Chris Daughtry.

David A. no doubt has mad skills. I just don’t think he has the maturity, soul and ingenuity yet that will give him a win, or at the very least success after the show is over. To me, he’s a bit sappy, and way too vanilla. Obviously, the two styles that will be represented are completely relative.

The biggest factor will be the fan base – cool people for David Cook, and pre-pubescent girls for David Archuleta. Here’s to hoping they all get grounded from there cell phones for stealing mom’s credit card…

Dreads does not a Rastafarian make

2008-05-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

Walking into work this morning the first thing I saw was Kiley, from across the office, staring at me with dropped jaw, horrified. I knew immediately what she was thinking - Jason Castro. What WAS that? His first “performance” was “I Shot the Sherriff” by reggae legend Bob Marley. I was ready to shoot myself by the time it was over. I know I should have TIVO’d past it, but I couldn’t. Like a bad car wreck, I found myself rooted to the spot as the disaster unfolded, unable to act. Jason’s second song was “Mr. Tamborine Man”, but I think everyone was still trying to move on from the trauma of “Sherriff” to really listen. Wherever he is, I’m sure Bob Marley rolled a big fatty to console himself over the butchery of the iconic song that he’s known for. I wonder if he feels dirty somehow.

My personal friend David Cook was a bit disappointing with the cheesy 80’s favorite “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran. Sorry Dave, Duran Duran was the LAST band I would have chose. Is that cheddar I smell? Very disappointing. His second song, “Babba O’Reilly” by The Who, well rocked. Once again he took a song that was awesome already, and turned it into an equally awesome but completely different. I really have to stop heaping on the praise though, because he’s starting to get a big head and won’t stop calling.

David Archuleta, The dow-eyed starlet of the show, sang “Stand By Me” and “Love Me Tender”. I did like that he broke out the King, but his sheepish grins and sycophantic air are really driving me nuts. Syesha Mercado sang “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner and “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke. The only thing that really bugged me about her last night was her sad, sad attempt to dance like Tina Turner. First of all, she wasn’t wearing ANY fringe, and secondly no one can shake it like Tina.

We’ll be down to the final 3 tonight! I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna’ do with myself when this is over.

Someone finally whipped it out...

2008-05-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

Once again, tribal council did not fail to entertain. Where to start!? For the third time this season a contestant left the game for medical reasons. I'm sure we all remember Mary - who could forget her psychotic episode on the beach before the nice men in white coats took her away. Then Jonathan's knee got infected from a cut he got at a challenge, and now James' finger sends him packing.

As the last man standing, Erik was definitely getting the proverbial boot. Sadly for the girls, Erik threw a huge wrench in their plans by winning immunity. What to do?! The girls were forced to turn on each other, basically picking the biggest threat, aka the nicest person on the island. Sadly for Amamnda, this dubious distinction fell to her. To top it off, Amanda is sent to Exile Island. She sets out to find the idol, only to find out it's actually buried back at camp. Drats.

Amanda confides in Parvarti she knows where it is, and Parv conspires with Amanda to give her time to find the idol. Last we see before tribal is Amanda starting to dig under the flag.

Come tribal council, Amanda bertated Erik for not helping her out (she had saved his ass earlier in the season). She held hands with Parvarti, and said she knew she was going home. Everyone votes, and then the obligitory question "does anyone have the hidden immunity idol?" comes up. With a smile and a wave of her hand, Amanda says something like "I have that, right here!". With the exception of Parvati, the looks on everyone's faces were priceless. Obviously other tribe members were NOT happy, but the best was the laughing and high-fives going on with the Jury members. Alexis was promptly send packing courtesy of Amanda and Parvarti.

I love it! Amanda has been my favorite for a while, so it was awesome to see her pull it off. You go girl!

oh, the humaity!

2008-05-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Sadly, my personal girlfriend Brooke White has finally been voted off. Wich excites me for two reasons - my Idol bracket has been somewhat redeemed, and I was so sick of her. But on to the drama. I almost, almost felt sorry for her. But you know what, have a shred of self-respect girl. Do you want to be pitied, or respected for your sense of dignity?

My pick for next week? It's definitely a toss-up between Syesha and Jason. My vote will probably be for Jason, because I realy getting tired of the same crap every week. Rock on David C.!

American Idol Recap, 4/30

2008-04-30T15:53:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying Paula has completely lost her mind. She actually started critiquing a performance that never happened. Maybe she saw it on the mothership.

Tween favorite Jason Castro sang “Forever in Blue Jeans” and “September Morn”. Sadly, he didn't do the songs an iota of justice. It’s starting to feel like he is singing the exact same song every week with the words changed up. Yawn. Next up, David Cook sang “I’m Alive” and “All I Really Need is You”. “I’m Alive” was certainly not the best. “All I Really Need is You” was much better, but I didn't know that song so it wasn’t as fun. Mr. Cook really needs to consult with me on his song choices. If I don’t enjoy it, how could anyone else?

And there’s my girlfriend Brooke. What a debacle. Her first song was “I’m a Believer”. It was horrible - by far the worst of the night. Her second was “I Am, I Said” – a little better, but not a show-stopper. And what was she wearing?! There were so many ruffles on that blouse I’m surprised she was able to play that guitar. And those silver pants – my God! Who let her out on stage like that?

Another tween favorite, David Archuleta sang “Sweet Caroline” and “America”. David can sing anything – except Neil Diamond. Technically he’s awesome, but the “soul” factor that Neil Diamond is known for just wasn’t there. If he starts smoking two packs a day he should be perfect by the time he hits 21. Syesha Mercado sang “Hello Again” and “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime”. I thought “Hello” was awesome. “Thank the Lord”, well, let’s just thank the Lord she sang an abbreviated version. No bueno. Overall I was kind of disappointed. Neil is the man, and it seemed like all the contestants were thinking “Fine, I’ll sing the old guy’s songs if I have to…” Step it up people!

What you talkin 'bout judge?

2008-04-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

Much to my dismay, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price are getting divorced. I know, I know, I'm sure you all have been following this unfolding saga with baited breath, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The couple's shredded nuptials will be brought before Judge Lynn Toler on Fox's "Divorce Court". At least they are using the best of what America's legal system has to offer.

I can't think of anything more ridiculous. It's over Gary. No one cares. Yah, sure you were cute in the late 70's with the ever-endearing "what you talkin 'bout Wills", but those days are gone. This shameless attempt to get some kind of media attention is downright pitiful - one might even call it depressing. But on to the dirt.

Here's a quote from his soon-to-be ex-wife, Shannon Price: "If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does," Price says, according to a transcript of the show obtained by The Associated Press. "He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too." There are also allegations that he physically abused her - I find this baffling. I mean, look at this picture - it seems like one good kick would do the job.

So another fairy tale romance has come to an unseemly end. Word to the wise - If you're thinking to yourselves "oooh, he's back on the market", watch your ankles girls!

"The Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett

2008-04-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

Quite possibly my new favorite book. The storyline and characters are extremely well-developed, with heartbreaking lows and the highest of highs. He also does an excellent job of bringing you into life in the 12th century, a very brutal time in Europe. Follett has woven in murder, mysteries, and humanity at its best and worst. You also see in sharp contrast the relationships between common people, nobility and the all-powerful church.

I loved the complexity of this book, and all of its intertwining storylines. But you always know who is who, their individual histories and relationships with other characters. It’s not like reading Tolkien, which forces you to go back over and over again to find out who the hell he’s talking about. It is also part of Oprah's Book Club, but please don't hold that against it.

Here’s a synopsis plagiarized from Powells.com:

The Pillars of the Earth tells the story of Philip, prior of Kingsbridge, a devout and resourceful monk driven to build the greatest Gothic cathedral the world has known...of Tom, the mason who becomes his architect — a man divided in his soul...of the beautiful, elusive, Lady Aliena, haunted by a secret shame...and of a struggle between good and evil that will turn church against state, and brother against brother. A spellbinding epic tale of ambition, anarchy, and absolute power set against the sprawling medieval canvas of twelfth-century England, this is Ken Follet's historical masterpiece.

Survivor – Giving men a bad name

2008-04-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

All I can say is wow – are big boobs really that intoxicating? Of course I am speaking of another male – Jason this week – not playing the coveted hidden immunity idol. He was so suckered in by the women into believing he was safe, he was completely blindsided when sent packing wondering what the hell happened. That’s three men on this season who have made the same mistake.

Personally, I’m baffled. But I must say that it was good TV. If you are stupid enough to make the same mistake 2 others have already made, one right under your nose, you deserve to be bitch-slapped for being stupid. What a tool.

Meanwhile, what is up with these women? Watching Natalie in her interview brought to mind the antics Charles Montgomery Burns, the evil overlord of the The Simpsons. Right down to the creepy twitching of the fingers. Natalie and Parvarti are definitely NOT winning any votes. Quite frankly they’re starting to creep me out. The only one who has not completely gone over to the dark side is Amanda – I think she could take this whole thing.

Sadly however, I don’t think James will be around much longer, so I won’t be able to ogle his fine, fine male physique. Very unfortunate.

Links? Work?

2008-04-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

I realize that my Cool Topics currently go nowhere. This is due to my current ineptitude at coding. However, these links will be updated soon, so please check back.

American Idol Recap

2008-04-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Can someone explain to me why Brooke White is still on the show? Her performance last night was abysmal, and I swear she's making her outfits from furniture upholstery or curtains. Maybe I should start calling her Scarlet O'Hara. Jason Castro butchered "Memory" - what is going on? With these two awful performances, I'm shocked and awed that Carly was sent home - she did great! I'm pretty sure we have the "tweens" to blame. I'd like to ask every parent with girls between the ages of 6 - 16 to take away their cell phones every Tuesday so this kind of farce won't be allowed to happen again.

Besides, I had picked Brooke White to be voted out in my American Idol bracket, and she has completely screwed my standings. I have a reputation to uphold, Miss Scarlet!! And come on, look at this pic! It looks like those cheesy school photos from the eighties, where you had a clean smiling face on the front, and the same in the background kid looking dreamily towards their next Mad Libs session. She's killin' me here!