A Year in the Life

While 2011 had its share of heart-wrending events, I wanted to remind us all of some of the ridiculousness, both awesome and awful, that helped define the past year. So in no particular order, here my favorites.

Taco Bell sued for its meat not really being meat.

I couldn’t decide if this was awesome or awful. I do think it’s hilarious that people were shocked that Taco Bell meat is not what you’d call “organic”. It’s Taco Bell – we don’t go there to get a healthy nutritious meal. We go there for its yummy, greasy, & fattening burritos, tacos general yumminess. On the awful side, Taco Bell refers to the non-meat part as “taco meat filling”, which is enough to make you cringe. My take? Ignorance is bliss.

Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes

This was awesome. Thank God for the employee at the HFPA for suggesting Ricky Gervais as host for the 2011 Golden Globes. Gervais was the first to ignore the PC bullshit & not worry about fragile celebrity egos. Some of my favorites that night:

On Cher concerts: “‘Do you want to go and see Cher?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it’s not 1975.’”
Introducing Downey: “Many of you in his room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County jail.”
His encouragement to Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner’s now-ex-fiancée: “Just don’t look at it when you touch it.”

After it was over, it was criticized for being mean, abusive, and even mildly sinister. Bitches please – there was not one comment up there that wasn’t true, and hilariously put. These are comments that I would absolutely throw around – they’re hilarious! Probably not in front of millions, but that’s the beauty of Gervais – he has the balls to do it. Tip ‘o the hat my friend.

Charlie Sheen loses his mind

It started in October of 2010 with the hotel stripper debacle, but who could know that this was just the first stop on Charlie Sheen's personal Crazy Train. Charlie’s Magical Mystery Tour truly reached its apex in the spring of 2011, when it became obvious he had officially gone batshit crazy. Some of my favorite Sheenisms from 2011:

On himself: "I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
More on himself: "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?"
On Rehab: "AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
On politics: “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
On Winning: Though we never got the details around the kerfuffle, he was definitely winning.

Anthony Weiner Tweets his Junk

Awesome, with a dose of awful. May 27, a young woman gets a picture of a man’s junk, raw and unedited. As did thousands of other avid Twitter afficinados. Almost immediately, a spokesman releases this statement: “Anthony’s accounts were obviously hacked”. Sure it was. May 30, Weiner goes on CNN stating "I was hacked. It happens to people, you move on." Of course you were Anthony. My Twitter account frequently sends out random pictures of male genetalia. May 31, we get the quote that he cannot "say with certitude" that it [the picture] is not of him. Finally on June 6, Mr. Weiner admits that yes, it was in fact his wiener. No shit. On the awful side? Ew.

The Rapture

Minister Harold Camping had us holding our collective breaths on May 21 (a few fanatics anyway), based on his prediction that the world would end that Saturday. You’d think he would’ve learned his lesson from his two prior apocolyptic predictions in 1988 and 1994, but this time he was for sure. On May 23, in an awkward press conference, he stated that 5/21 was actually a “Spiritual Rapture”, and the real one would happen on October 21. This time he was for sure for sure. Surprisingly enough, Trick-or-Treaters still flocked to the streets on Halloween in typical gleeful fashion, Rapture be damned.

The jokes surounding this huge non-event were priceless. Facebook and Twitter lit up like Christmas trees. Some great Tweets: “After Saturday, let’s pretend everyone who believed in the Rapture doesn’t exist” or “Rapture on Saturday. Most awkward church service ever on Sunday” and “Wow, Heaven looks so familiar!”. Maybe he’ll jump on the 2012 bandwagon.

Glenn Beck leaves Fox

I cried for a week. No more rants, no more chalkboard, no more crying about how mean New-Yorkers are, etc. etc.. So yes, I cried tears of joy for an entire week. Shortly after leaving Fox, in a desperate attempt to endear himself to the masses, he announced he would be producing a new children’s program, “Liberty Treehouse”. Apparently now that all the adults have realized that he is a douchebag and a lunatic, he’s taking his inane rhetoric to a younger, more niaeve audience. Much like another popular German youth group in the ‘40’s. Time to check the parental controls…

Donald Trump

From his abandoned bid to run for president, to declaring his own a GOP debate, this may be the most ridiculous figure in pop culture to date. In his first act as a potential presidential candidate, he made a complete ass of himself with his rabid pursuit of his crackpot “birther” conspiracy – actually sending investigators to Hawaii to “out” Obama as a fake American. After the mockery of that crusade had ended, he became disillusioned with the GOP candidate selection. He then announced that being the patriot he is, he would dutifully, with heavy heart, step up and take the role himself. Such a martyr that one.

He’s been in and out of the Republican party several times this year, threatening to run as an independent if the GOP didn’t give him the nomination. He actually had the audacity to put together a GOP debate where he would moderate. No conflict there. Without a doubt the Jackass of the Year award goes to Donald “The Douchebag” Trump. The sad yet hilarious thing is, he has no idea what a joke he’s become.

Best New Invention

Someone invented inhalable caffiene. We can all stop freebasing.

Excuse Me, President Perry

Every day we hear some new crazy quote. Some ridiculous ideology. Some new incredulous sound byte coming from Rick Perry. We all get on Twitter, our blogs, Facebook, etc. and make our quips, rant and rave and share our opinions that collectively come down to this: Rick Perry is a nightmare waiting to happen.

It occurred to me recently that I’ve never really thought about what life would be like under Rick Perry. If, by some unthinkable happenstance, he got everything he wanted, it’s nothing short of terrifying.

To get an overview of where Mr. Perry falls on the evil-meter, here’s a list of Federal laws and programs he has called “unconstitutional” (in alpha-numeric order):

- The 17th Amendment
- Child Labor Laws
- Civil Rights Protections
- Environmental Protection Agency
- Medicaid
- Medicare
- Minimum Wage
- Public Schools
- Social Security
- Student Loans

So what are the implications, and is there be an ulterior motive behind his ideologies? Yes, and yes.

Prayer would not only be allowed, but possibly required in public schools. Would Muslim and Jewish children be forced to swear devotion to Jesus Christ? Parents would be pulling their children out of school faster than you can say “big oil”. Evolution would be presented as some crackpot theory. Then there’s that pesky little business about separation of church and state. Of course he can always fall back on his guiding principal, “it’s unconstitutional”.

If he really had his way, public schools would be a thing of the past, being unconstitutional and all.

As for higher education (assuming you somehow get your child through primary school), he has declared student aid staples such as Pell Grants and student loans, you guessed it, “unconstitutional”. He defends his position with “the government doesn’t have a role in your children’s education”. I think what he means here is the government shouldn’t have to pay for it.

So the next generation, widely uneducated, will be prime candidates for low-income jobs, crime, and poverty, further widening the class gap at a geometric rate. Which, of course, works out beautifully for his wealthy constituents. And we all know about his “no-tolerance” policy on crime. Off with their heads!

Perry has also made no bones about his avid opposition to assisting his fellow countrymen in need. In 2010, he even toyed with the idea of pulling Texas out of the Medicaid program. He gave up on the idea when the state comptroller informed him that it would bankrupt the state. That said, what effect would slashing Medicaid do to an entire nation? And yes, that photo was taken in Texas.

He has also stated that “laws protecting civil rights are unconstitutional”, except for those barring racial discrimination. So are we going to start deciding whose civil rights deserve protection and whose don’t? That seems a bit, well, unconstitutional.

Then there are his religious views, which make a strong showing in many of his policies. Personally, I think it’s nothing but a way provide logic to his insane ideologies - it‘s all “God‘s will“, not because he‘s out of his mind. If we just pray harder, our economic and social problems will get better. Along with his ridiculous policies of course. Regarding the massive oil spill in the Gulf Coast, he commented “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” – C’est la vie…

For me, the scariest of all is Perry’s stance on environmental protection, or lack thereof. Perry calls climate science “a secular carbon cult”, that invents data to prove global warming exists. Pretending global warming doesn’t exist dovetails nicely with the booming TX oil empire in his home state.

In June, Perry signed a largely symbolic bill that allows Texas companies to continue producing incandescent light bulbs banned by the EPA, as long as they are sold within the state. Additionally, Texas is the only state that has refused to put in place the EPA's new rules regulating carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases.

I mean if it was wrong, God would let someone know.

What’s Happened to Reason in America?

Riddle me this, Batman - When did America lose its ability to identify delusional, sociopathic, and outright bigoted politicians?

Over the years we’ve certainly had some colorful characters make a run for the White House. Take for example Jesse Jackson. This was the man that took up the helm after the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King, and made huge strides towards improving race relations. But, in January 1984, he made the infamous “Hymietown” reference, regarding Jews in New York City. This one off-the-cuff remark instantly took him out of the running. For good.

Then we had Gary Hart, leading Democratic candidate in the 1988 election. He announced the beginning of his presidential campaign on Monday, April 13. By that Friday, he was out – completely, over an affair.

Howard Dean, a promising ‘04 candidate, was immediately booted out of the limelight because of his over-the-top speech made in IA. Nothing off-color was said, but he sounded well, a bit maniacal. He instantly became the butt of every late-night joke in the country. He dropped out from the race a month later, having lost all credibility.

David Duke was run out on a rail in ‘88 when it was discovered he had been a Grand Wizard of the KKK – and rightfully so. Racial intolerance is anathema to the American voter – right?

So certainly, America has shown it’s intolerance of immoral, off-color, even over-enthusiastic candidates. So what the hell is going on? How did people like this become a viable option? Let’s take a look at the biggest basketweavers on the market:

Allen West. Of course the most recent blunder was the Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “act-like-a-lady” email. But if you dig a little deeper you’ll find a host of disturbing ideology. West was kicked out the army for unnecessary violence. He compares himself to an escaped slave. He has referred to women as “oral relief stations”, and has made public racial slurs against his Muslim colleagues. Most recently, he had “Citizen’s for National Security”, an anti-Muslim organization, speak on Capitol Hill about Muslim propaganda hidden in children’s textbooks, among other delusions.

Rick Perry of Texas has actually alluded to seceding from the union if Obama doesn’t quit his meddling. He seeks national security council from Andrew McCarthy, a man who claims that the “Modern Hard Left” and Muslim extremists are working together to destroy Western civilization.

And then of course, there is Michele Bachmann. Her main shortcomings? Ignorance and insantiy. On the ignorance side, she was unable to identify where the civil war started – twice. She claims the authors of our founding documents were fighting against slavery (hell, many of them OWNED slaves). And then getting NH confused with MA while speaking to New Hampshire conservatives. Apparently they don’t have top-notch education on her planet.

On the insanity side, the most hyped issue is her severe homophobia – the cornerstone of her agenda. Of course we’ve all heard about her husband’s re-education therapy for gays. It’s funny how the phrases “Re-education Center” and “Internment Camp” are almost interchangeable. She asserted that she was “attacked” in a bathroom by two angry lesbians, one of which was a 5’ tall ex-nun wanting to talk about theology. She fasts, she hears God telling her to do things, she hides in bushes to spy on people… It goes on and on and on.

So here’s my issue. We have had more than a few presidential candidates kicked to the curb due to anything from slurs to adultery to outright racism. 8 years ago anyone of these idiots would have been laughed off the podium, followed by weeks of late-night comedy. Those of us old enough remember Gary Hart like it was yesterday, and who could ever not take the time to make fun of Jackson’s “Hymietown” remark?

Yet here we are in 2011, with a GOP candidate list that could’ve been taken straight from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. Am I the only one to see this? Bachmann, the craziest of the crazies is actually leading in polls. She is the butt of thousands of jokes. But how the hell has she managed to raise $4.2 million? Obviously she appeals to more than a few Americans.

We’ve always had crazy candidates trying to make their crazy marks on American history – that doesn’t surprise me. What I find alarming is that America seems to be the one gone bat-shit crazy. Americans are the ones buying this shit. When did bat-shit crazy public figures stop being late-night fodder, and become viable presidential candidates? Is this what our post-9/11 country looks like? If that’s the case, the terrorists really did win – we’re destroying ourselves. They were just the catalyst.

Best Tweets of the Week

I love Twitter - so much stupidity, so little time. Every once in a while though, you get some gems.

Dogs riding ponies, rhinos & unicorns? It must be a Senate hearing on Big Oil. - Huffington Post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/big-oil-tax-breaks-debate_n_861511.html

God bless those zany Texans.

Osama bin Laden to al-Qaeda: 'Don't bother assassinating Joe Biden' – Telegraph Blogs http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tobyharnden/100087782/osama-bin-laden-to-al-qaeda-dont-bother-assassinating-joe-biden/

Poor Joe – always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

EPA: Chicago River Must Be Clean Enough For Swimming
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/chicago-river-must-be-cle_n_861559.html

Now that’s funny.

Rewriting History - Huckabee Style

You have to check out this "cartoon" that Mike Huckabee has produced to ahem, educate, today's youth. Mr. Huckabee (shown here with his favorite handpuppet) has launched a new initiative designed to give our misguided youth a more positive outlook on the motherland, called "Learn Our History". Per Huckabee, "America's youth aren't excited about our past because they're being taught history in a way that minimizes what has made America a beacon of hope around the world for over 200 years. Instead, history lessons today often focus on America's faults,". Faults? What faults?

With excerpts like "Show those Germans and Japanese the power of America." and "You can see that every American pulled together to win this war. Even the gals were in on it. You go, girl.", it almost reads like a "Handbook for the Mondern Militia Man".

My personal favorite is the Regan piece. Apparently he was sent to us by God - I had no idea! Apparently Reganomics was nothing less than a gift from The Almighty himself.

This is just so awful - a must see.

Support for the Under-Appreciated Homophobe

As we all know, bullying has been getting a lot of media attention as of late. Horrible stories of children being beaten, verbally abused and openly humiliated by their peers are making headline news. And it’s about friggin’ time in my opinion. Adults around the country are horrified by these stories and condemn them openly – you’d be a monster not to, right?. Apparently however, The Christian right has identified a group of kids and young adults who have it coming.

Today, students across the country will take a vow of silence to protest anti-gay bullying and harassment in schools. The Day of Silence, an annual event organized by GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network), is meant to draw attention to the "silencing effects" of anti-gay harassment and name-calling in schools and to be a way for students to show their solidarity with students who have been bullied.

But thank God for the religious right for being the voice of reason. Not only are the protesting the Day of Silence, they are calling for boycotts on schools that are allowing students to participate. The most egregious of them all, “Focus on the Family”, launched a counter-attack called "Day of Dialougue". This “social awareness” event tells students to tell their classmates “what the Bible really says”. They have actually designed “conversation cards” to arm these students against the big bad gay kids and even their gay-perceived peers. I hate those effeminate little punks, being all "well-dressed" and such. It's an affront to God I tell you.

The "Day of Dialogue," with its playful logo and friendly marketing materials is meant to help "people who messed up sexually." per Jeff Johnston, an “ex-gay” activist. Candi Chushman, FOTF education analyst calls it “homosexuality lessons”. They are also claiming that these anti-gay bullying events are actually a form of undercover “homosexual indoctrination”. Those gays are so sneaky! They’ve been after me for years with their so-called messages of “love” and “tolerance”. Bastards.

Another absurd claim these activists often add is that anti-bullying programs that include the recognition of anti-gay bullying amount to "special rights" for LGBT students, leading to what Cushman calls "reverse discrimination" against Christian students. Um, so they should be bullied just as much as the God-abiding straight kids? One of the organization’s leaders went so far as to say anti-gay bullying programs are a "homo-fascist tactic to stifle any dissent". Homo-fascist. Yikes.

In order to protect their little homophobe prodigies with baseball bats, religious right leaders have claimed that the gay rights movement, and young gay people themselves, are responsible for anti-gay harassment and the high suicide rate among gay youth. According to The Family Research Council's Tony Perkins, gay teens may be led to suicide because they "recognize intuitively that their same-sex attractions are abnormal." Surely it can’t be the endless harassment and constant humiliation from their peers and religious fanatics.

That would be just silly.

Jackass of the Week

In order to stay current with the intellectually-challenged, I'm introducing "Jackass of the Week". Just a microcosm of the dumbassedry alive in the world today. How fitting that Glenn Beck is my first guest!