How to Create a Cretan

Women’s rights and equality have come so far in the last century. This "Girls Only" branded toy has managed to undo all that work in one fell sweep – get it, sweep?

Nothing like inspiring your daughter to reach for the stars – start ‘em young I say. Susan B. Anthony would be so proud.





Another one for the ladies. The recipient (your daughter) wears a special halter top with flowers instead of nipples, that cause the baby to make sucking sounds and move its mouth.

The tagline for the toy reads, "Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby." I think you should.



Dr. Drill n' Fill: The revolutionary new toy that promotes children's healthy and active lifestyle by teaching them to associate fun with gouging out cavities. Your child will feel a great sense of accomplishment when he has mastered the dental arts. You’ll recognize that day by the yelp of a dog followed by screaming.


That’s right girls! Break out those thongs and pasties – it’s the Pole Dance doll! Complete with disco globe, this icon of female exploitation flashes, moves up and down, and even spins around the pole. Once again toy manufacturers are encouraging our daughters to reach for the stars! At least a disco ball, anyway.

Please don't give your child this toy. Please.

These toys certainly deserve an honorable mention based on the creepiness factor alone.

My grandson actually got this for Christmas – the movements of the mouth are priceless. Honestly we couldn’t stop laughing. The tragic part of this anecdote is that it was his favorite toy. I worry about that boy.



This is hands down the creepiest toy ever. It sounds like a dozen psychotic banshees on acid during some twisted blood ritual.



This thing sounds like a serial killer. A serial killer who taunts its prey with tickling. Just listen to it – you won’t this thing anywhere near your kid. Anywhere near your house for that matter.

Paid to get Laid

So apparently on Limbaugh’s planet, any woman who takes birth control is a slut. Wanting the government to mandate insurance companies to pay for contraceptives equates to wanting the government to pay us to have sex. Therefore, we are prostitutes, getting paid to get laid.

I mean that makes total sense if you’ve just popped 15 oxy’s and watched a Brady Bunch marathon. And of course are a teabagger.


As absolutely outrageous as that is, it gets better. Oh yes, much better:

“So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here’s the deal,” Limbaugh said on his radio show Thursday. “If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”

Really?! “…we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.” That’s the deal? And exactly what parties agreed to said “deal”? This sounds much like something Huggy Bear (look it up, young 'uns), might say to his, um, employees. So is Rush Limbaugh now America’s top pimp?

And note how he repeatedly uses the words “we want”. What the hell is this “we” shit? So my brothers, was there a covert male-only town hall where you all agreed to stand by “The Deal”? Really guys?

What’s really creepy, absolutely abhorrent and nauseating, is the thought of Rush Limbaugh watching porn. And I, being part of the female demographic that takes or has taken birth control, well I think where you see where I’m going with this. It’s so unspeakable – I can’t even put down the words. All I can say is – ew.

The whole question of whether or not insurance companies should pay for contraceptives is an absurdity. If they will pay for Viagra (a complete oxymoron) and vasectomies, why the hell shouldn’t we get the same protection? Why is it insurance companies will pay for men to enhance their ability to impregnate women, but won’t let women protect ourselves from getting pregnant?

So thank you Mr. Limbaugh, for being the self-appointed face of the Republican party. Keep up the good work, jackass.

Monitoring the Apocolypse

Since my last report, “Snakes Enter Next Phase of Invasion”, there have been several disturbing new developments on the upcoming Ophidian Armageddon. It appears the Machinations of Hell have released their most dastardly weapon yet – the Nile Monitor Lizard.

Shown here mocking a hapless photographer, monitor lizards are known to grow up to 8 feet in length, have spectacular strength, razor-like teeth, and claws made for evisceration on an epic scale.

With the escape and extremely suspect “capture” of an Egyptian Cobra from the Bronx Zoo last year, it would seem the bringers of the End Times are amassing some devastating weaponry. This covert contrivance to stamp out the human race is now beginning to receive national media attention. In 2011, the experts at “Current Zoology” Magazine published this whitepaper on aggressive foreign species in Florida AND Hawaii.

According to the magazine (written by doctors and shit!), it’s not only the big guns that are making an appearance. In addition to the Burmese Python, Rock Pythons and now Monitor Lizards, “several species of exotic iguanine lizards are established in south Florida” such as the green iguana, the black spiny-tailed iguana, and the northern curly-tailed lizard. Newest to scene is the giant black and white Tegus of S. America – a charming 4’ long lizard capable of chomping off human appendages in a single bite. It would seem The Horde is enlisting the entire reptilian nation, developing a “front line” if you will.

These fuckers are not messing around...

There are many theories on the uptick in firepower among Lucifer’s Legion, however the most likely the culprit is the alarming number of public GOP debates. As prohephesied in The Old Testament, “when the transgressors have reached their fullness” (Daniel 8:12), the proverbial shit will hit the fan. Now I ask you, who is more corrupt, more depraved, more malevolent then members of the GOP? With the amount of inane bullshit being piped into the airwaves, it’s no wonder His minions are stepping up the attack.

They just can’t take it anymore.

A Year in the Life

While 2011 had its share of heart-wrending events, I wanted to remind us all of some of the ridiculousness, both awesome and awful, that helped define the past year. So in no particular order, here my favorites.

Taco Bell sued for its meat not really being meat.

I couldn’t decide if this was awesome or awful. I do think it’s hilarious that people were shocked that Taco Bell meat is not what you’d call “organic”. It’s Taco Bell – we don’t go there to get a healthy nutritious meal. We go there for its yummy, greasy, & fattening burritos, tacos general yumminess. On the awful side, Taco Bell refers to the non-meat part as “taco meat filling”, which is enough to make you cringe. My take? Ignorance is bliss.

Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes

This was awesome. Thank God for the employee at the HFPA for suggesting Ricky Gervais as host for the 2011 Golden Globes. Gervais was the first to ignore the PC bullshit & not worry about fragile celebrity egos. Some of my favorites that night:

On Cher concerts: “‘Do you want to go and see Cher?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it’s not 1975.’”
Introducing Downey: “Many of you in his room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County jail.”
His encouragement to Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner’s now-ex-fiancée: “Just don’t look at it when you touch it.”

After it was over, it was criticized for being mean, abusive, and even mildly sinister. Bitches please – there was not one comment up there that wasn’t true, and hilariously put. These are comments that I would absolutely throw around – they’re hilarious! Probably not in front of millions, but that’s the beauty of Gervais – he has the balls to do it. Tip ‘o the hat my friend.

Charlie Sheen loses his mind

It started in October of 2010 with the hotel stripper debacle, but who could know that this was just the first stop on Charlie Sheen's personal Crazy Train. Charlie’s Magical Mystery Tour truly reached its apex in the spring of 2011, when it became obvious he had officially gone batshit crazy. Some of my favorite Sheenisms from 2011:

On himself: "I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
More on himself: "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?"
On Rehab: "AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
On politics: “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
On Winning: Though we never got the details around the kerfuffle, he was definitely winning.

Anthony Weiner Tweets his Junk

Awesome, with a dose of awful. May 27, a young woman gets a picture of a man’s junk, raw and unedited. As did thousands of other avid Twitter afficinados. Almost immediately, a spokesman releases this statement: “Anthony’s accounts were obviously hacked”. Sure it was. May 30, Weiner goes on CNN stating "I was hacked. It happens to people, you move on." Of course you were Anthony. My Twitter account frequently sends out random pictures of male genetalia. May 31, we get the quote that he cannot "say with certitude" that it [the picture] is not of him. Finally on June 6, Mr. Weiner admits that yes, it was in fact his wiener. No shit. On the awful side? Ew.

The Rapture

Minister Harold Camping had us holding our collective breaths on May 21 (a few fanatics anyway), based on his prediction that the world would end that Saturday. You’d think he would’ve learned his lesson from his two prior apocolyptic predictions in 1988 and 1994, but this time he was for sure. On May 23, in an awkward press conference, he stated that 5/21 was actually a “Spiritual Rapture”, and the real one would happen on October 21. This time he was for sure for sure. Surprisingly enough, Trick-or-Treaters still flocked to the streets on Halloween in typical gleeful fashion, Rapture be damned.

The jokes surounding this huge non-event were priceless. Facebook and Twitter lit up like Christmas trees. Some great Tweets: “After Saturday, let’s pretend everyone who believed in the Rapture doesn’t exist” or “Rapture on Saturday. Most awkward church service ever on Sunday” and “Wow, Heaven looks so familiar!”. Maybe he’ll jump on the 2012 bandwagon.

Glenn Beck leaves Fox

I cried for a week. No more rants, no more chalkboard, no more crying about how mean New-Yorkers are, etc. etc.. So yes, I cried tears of joy for an entire week. Shortly after leaving Fox, in a desperate attempt to endear himself to the masses, he announced he would be producing a new children’s program, “Liberty Treehouse”. Apparently now that all the adults have realized that he is a douchebag and a lunatic, he’s taking his inane rhetoric to a younger, more niaeve audience. Much like another popular German youth group in the ‘40’s. Time to check the parental controls…

Donald Trump

From his abandoned bid to run for president, to declaring his own a GOP debate, this may be the most ridiculous figure in pop culture to date. In his first act as a potential presidential candidate, he made a complete ass of himself with his rabid pursuit of his crackpot “birther” conspiracy – actually sending investigators to Hawaii to “out” Obama as a fake American. After the mockery of that crusade had ended, he became disillusioned with the GOP candidate selection. He then announced that being the patriot he is, he would dutifully, with heavy heart, step up and take the role himself. Such a martyr that one.

He’s been in and out of the Republican party several times this year, threatening to run as an independent if the GOP didn’t give him the nomination. He actually had the audacity to put together a GOP debate where he would moderate. No conflict there. Without a doubt the Jackass of the Year award goes to Donald “The Douchebag” Trump. The sad yet hilarious thing is, he has no idea what a joke he’s become.

Best New Invention

Someone invented inhalable caffiene. We can all stop freebasing.

Excuse Me, President Perry

Every day we hear some new crazy quote. Some ridiculous ideology. Some new incredulous sound byte coming from Rick Perry. We all get on Twitter, our blogs, Facebook, etc. and make our quips, rant and rave and share our opinions that collectively come down to this: Rick Perry is a nightmare waiting to happen.

It occurred to me recently that I’ve never really thought about what life would be like under Rick Perry. If, by some unthinkable happenstance, he got everything he wanted, it’s nothing short of terrifying.

To get an overview of where Mr. Perry falls on the evil-meter, here’s a list of Federal laws and programs he has called “unconstitutional” (in alpha-numeric order):

- The 17th Amendment
- Child Labor Laws
- Civil Rights Protections
- Environmental Protection Agency
- Medicaid
- Medicare
- Minimum Wage
- Public Schools
- Social Security
- Student Loans

So what are the implications, and is there be an ulterior motive behind his ideologies? Yes, and yes.

Prayer would not only be allowed, but possibly required in public schools. Would Muslim and Jewish children be forced to swear devotion to Jesus Christ? Parents would be pulling their children out of school faster than you can say “big oil”. Evolution would be presented as some crackpot theory. Then there’s that pesky little business about separation of church and state. Of course he can always fall back on his guiding principal, “it’s unconstitutional”.

If he really had his way, public schools would be a thing of the past, being unconstitutional and all.

As for higher education (assuming you somehow get your child through primary school), he has declared student aid staples such as Pell Grants and student loans, you guessed it, “unconstitutional”. He defends his position with “the government doesn’t have a role in your children’s education”. I think what he means here is the government shouldn’t have to pay for it.

So the next generation, widely uneducated, will be prime candidates for low-income jobs, crime, and poverty, further widening the class gap at a geometric rate. Which, of course, works out beautifully for his wealthy constituents. And we all know about his “no-tolerance” policy on crime. Off with their heads!

Perry has also made no bones about his avid opposition to assisting his fellow countrymen in need. In 2010, he even toyed with the idea of pulling Texas out of the Medicaid program. He gave up on the idea when the state comptroller informed him that it would bankrupt the state. That said, what effect would slashing Medicaid do to an entire nation? And yes, that photo was taken in Texas.

He has also stated that “laws protecting civil rights are unconstitutional”, except for those barring racial discrimination. So are we going to start deciding whose civil rights deserve protection and whose don’t? That seems a bit, well, unconstitutional.

Then there are his religious views, which make a strong showing in many of his policies. Personally, I think it’s nothing but a way provide logic to his insane ideologies - it‘s all “God‘s will“, not because he‘s out of his mind. If we just pray harder, our economic and social problems will get better. Along with his ridiculous policies of course. Regarding the massive oil spill in the Gulf Coast, he commented “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” – C’est la vie…

For me, the scariest of all is Perry’s stance on environmental protection, or lack thereof. Perry calls climate science “a secular carbon cult”, that invents data to prove global warming exists. Pretending global warming doesn’t exist dovetails nicely with the booming TX oil empire in his home state.

In June, Perry signed a largely symbolic bill that allows Texas companies to continue producing incandescent light bulbs banned by the EPA, as long as they are sold within the state. Additionally, Texas is the only state that has refused to put in place the EPA's new rules regulating carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases.

I mean if it was wrong, God would let someone know.

What’s Happened to Reason in America?

Riddle me this, Batman - When did America lose its ability to identify delusional, sociopathic, and outright bigoted politicians?

Over the years we’ve certainly had some colorful characters make a run for the White House. Take for example Jesse Jackson. This was the man that took up the helm after the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King, and made huge strides towards improving race relations. But, in January 1984, he made the infamous “Hymietown” reference, regarding Jews in New York City. This one off-the-cuff remark instantly took him out of the running. For good.

Then we had Gary Hart, leading Democratic candidate in the 1988 election. He announced the beginning of his presidential campaign on Monday, April 13. By that Friday, he was out – completely, over an affair.

Howard Dean, a promising ‘04 candidate, was immediately booted out of the limelight because of his over-the-top speech made in IA. Nothing off-color was said, but he sounded well, a bit maniacal. He instantly became the butt of every late-night joke in the country. He dropped out from the race a month later, having lost all credibility.

David Duke was run out on a rail in ‘88 when it was discovered he had been a Grand Wizard of the KKK – and rightfully so. Racial intolerance is anathema to the American voter – right?

So certainly, America has shown it’s intolerance of immoral, off-color, even over-enthusiastic candidates. So what the hell is going on? How did people like this become a viable option? Let’s take a look at the biggest basketweavers on the market:

Allen West. Of course the most recent blunder was the Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “act-like-a-lady” email. But if you dig a little deeper you’ll find a host of disturbing ideology. West was kicked out the army for unnecessary violence. He compares himself to an escaped slave. He has referred to women as “oral relief stations”, and has made public racial slurs against his Muslim colleagues. Most recently, he had “Citizen’s for National Security”, an anti-Muslim organization, speak on Capitol Hill about Muslim propaganda hidden in children’s textbooks, among other delusions.

Rick Perry of Texas has actually alluded to seceding from the union if Obama doesn’t quit his meddling. He seeks national security council from Andrew McCarthy, a man who claims that the “Modern Hard Left” and Muslim extremists are working together to destroy Western civilization.

And then of course, there is Michele Bachmann. Her main shortcomings? Ignorance and insantiy. On the ignorance side, she was unable to identify where the civil war started – twice. She claims the authors of our founding documents were fighting against slavery (hell, many of them OWNED slaves). And then getting NH confused with MA while speaking to New Hampshire conservatives. Apparently they don’t have top-notch education on her planet.

On the insanity side, the most hyped issue is her severe homophobia – the cornerstone of her agenda. Of course we’ve all heard about her husband’s re-education therapy for gays. It’s funny how the phrases “Re-education Center” and “Internment Camp” are almost interchangeable. She asserted that she was “attacked” in a bathroom by two angry lesbians, one of which was a 5’ tall ex-nun wanting to talk about theology. She fasts, she hears God telling her to do things, she hides in bushes to spy on people… It goes on and on and on.

So here’s my issue. We have had more than a few presidential candidates kicked to the curb due to anything from slurs to adultery to outright racism. 8 years ago anyone of these idiots would have been laughed off the podium, followed by weeks of late-night comedy. Those of us old enough remember Gary Hart like it was yesterday, and who could ever not take the time to make fun of Jackson’s “Hymietown” remark?

Yet here we are in 2011, with a GOP candidate list that could’ve been taken straight from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. Am I the only one to see this? Bachmann, the craziest of the crazies is actually leading in polls. She is the butt of thousands of jokes. But how the hell has she managed to raise $4.2 million? Obviously she appeals to more than a few Americans.

We’ve always had crazy candidates trying to make their crazy marks on American history – that doesn’t surprise me. What I find alarming is that America seems to be the one gone bat-shit crazy. Americans are the ones buying this shit. When did bat-shit crazy public figures stop being late-night fodder, and become viable presidential candidates? Is this what our post-9/11 country looks like? If that’s the case, the terrorists really did win – we’re destroying ourselves. They were just the catalyst.

Best Tweets of the Week

I love Twitter - so much stupidity, so little time. Every once in a while though, you get some gems.

Dogs riding ponies, rhinos & unicorns? It must be a Senate hearing on Big Oil. - Huffington Post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/big-oil-tax-breaks-debate_n_861511.html

God bless those zany Texans.

Osama bin Laden to al-Qaeda: 'Don't bother assassinating Joe Biden' – Telegraph Blogs http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tobyharnden/100087782/osama-bin-laden-to-al-qaeda-dont-bother-assassinating-joe-biden/

Poor Joe – always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

EPA: Chicago River Must Be Clean Enough For Swimming
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/chicago-river-must-be-cle_n_861559.html

Now that’s funny.