Why ugly people shouldn't go to China

Hopefully most of you were able to watch the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. If you’ve read my recent posts, you are aware of some of the extremes China has gone to for the big show. Things like shipping out the homeless and asking their citizens not to pee in public are two good examples of this “commitment to excellence”.

I thought I had heard it all, until I came across this story.

Remember that precious little girl in pigtails who sang that beautiful song as the flag was carried into the stadium? Yea - she lip-synched the entire thing. The voice we heard was that of Yang Peiyi, who has a chubby face and uneven teeth. Way too ugly to be seen in public. I mean look at her - she's hideous!

“The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings, and expression," said Chen Qigang, the general music designer of the ceremony. "The reason why little Yang was not chosen to appear was because we wanted to project the right image, we were thinking about what was best for the nation," Chen said in an interview that appeared briefly on the news website Sina.com (right before it was apparently wiped from the Internet in China - hmmm).

Apparently the final decision to go Milli Vanilli was made after a senior member of China's ruling Communist Party politburo attended a rehearsal. "He told us there was a problem that we needed to fix it, so we did," he said, without disclosing further details of the order.

It’s a good thing Mick Jagger wasn’t born in China.

As if that weren’t enough, organizers have also admitted that those really cool “live” pictures of “firework footprints” Tiananmen Square to the Olympic stadium in were actually partly computer-generated or pre-recorded for TV.

Wang Wei of the organizing committee insisted the fireworks had actually exploded on the night and that most of the television images used were genuine. "However, because of the poor visibility of the night some previously recorded foots may have been used," he said. Maybe they were obscured by Beijing’s unique “oxygen to crap ratio” hanging in the atmosphere.

I can not tell you how disappointed I am. I wonder what schmuck had to tell Yang Peiyi that she was too ugly to be on camera, so a prettier girl will go instead. And even better, that prettier girl will be pretending to sing with your perfect voice, so she’ll be even more perfect. We want the ceremony to be perfect, don’t we?

I hope the Chinese government offered to pay for the lifetime’s worth of counseling she’s going to need.

Sanitized for your protection

The last 2 articles I’ve written on this have well, bashed the Chinese for their intolerant policies regarding “foreigners” in their country. So I thought I’d talk about some of the things China is doing to make your stay as comfortable as possible.

With an eye towards the aesthetic, Beijing is rounding up all petitioners (beggars), the homeless, and migrant workers. These “less desirables” are being offered (forcibly) free transportation to anywhere other than Beijing. The just don’t look good on camera.

Chinese officials have also provided its citizens a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” when around company – here’s just a few:
- DO throw your garbage in an actual garbage can
- DON’T urinate in public
- DO give directions to the nearest restaurant if asked
- DON’T give directions to the nearest restaurant serving dog

Some other etiquette tips China offers as good advice include: "Don't ask about income or expenses, don't ask about age, don't ask about love life or marriage, don't ask about health, don't ask about someone's home or address, don't ask about personal experience, don't ask about religious beliefs or political views, don't ask what someone does for a living". The government has campaigned against public urination, smoking, spitting, queue-jumping, littering and even speaking loudly in public. Apparently the government trusts it's own citizens to behave less than it does the tourists.

Alarming translations abound in Chinese restaurants are being given a linguistic makeover. The traditionally named "husband and wife's lung slice" appetizer which is being replaced by the more appealing "beef and ox tripe in chili sauce," which sounds just as yummy! And for the first time in Beijing: public toilets will have toilet paper and eateries have health and sanitation standards. Talk about pulling out all the stops!

Olympic volunteers have also been briefed on how to handle disabled athletes. This is an excerpt from the original handbook, which has since been revised. I can't imagine why:

"[Disabled people] show no differences in sensation, reaction, memorization and thinking mechanism from other people, but they might have unusual personalities because of disfigurement and disability. For example, some physically disabled are isolated, unsocial, and introspective; they usually do not volunteer to contact people," and "They can be stubborn and controlling; they may be sensitive and struggle with trust issues. Sometimes they are overly protective of themselves, especially when they are called crippled or paralysed." Those cripples are so over-sensitive! Can you feel the love here?

I really, really hope these Olympics are the best ever. I just question why a country with such abhorrent human rights policies would be allowed to host an international event designed to celebrate diversity, not crush it out with an iron fist. Personally, I really don't feel like they deserved the honor, due to their past and present behavior.

My hope is to hear Richard Gere scream out "Free Tibet!" in a quiet moment of the Opening Ceremony. Just to see what happens - just for shits and giggles.

"The Tomb" by F. Paul Wilson

I was recently introduced to this series by a friend of mine, and am pretty much hook. “The Tomb” (later renamed the “The Last Rakosh”) is the first of the “Repairman Jack” series. Repairman Jack is kind of like a cross between “The Equalizer” and “Indiana Jones”, but way more human and down to earth. The title “Repairman” doesn’t refer to appliances as much as it does righting wrongs done to his clients.

This book starts with the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend’s elderly aunt, and of course Jack is happy to help the woman he is still in love with. What develops is a mystery surrounding familial legacies, vendettas, legends and myths going back almost 200 years. After you get through the character development in the first few paragraphs, it picks up and keeps going.

F. Paul Wilson is known for his supernatural thrillers, and has gotten pretty good at it. “Jack” is a very likeable character that you can really identify with, as are the ancillary characters. Other than the slow beginning, the plot is fast-moving and keeps you guessing. There are some really good twists.

Happy reading!

"The Host" by Stephanie Meyer

"The Host" comes out right on the heels of the hugely successful "Twilight Series", but don't pick this up if you're looking for a sequel. This is a completely different work written in a more sophisticated style, and the storyline is much more complex and engaging.

The story revolves around alien parasites who have quietly taken over The Earth. Fantastic, I know - not usually my cup of tea either. The main characters are a woman who has been taken over by one of these aliens, and the alien that has taken her over. It's very bizarre dynamic, but really kind of cool if you think about it.

The "host" personality draws the alien into her memories, thoughts and feelings, and also makes her opinions well known to her captor. Obviously, she's less than happy with her situation. More insistent however are her thoughts and feelings about the love of her life that she was forced to leave behind. Between the two of them, they try and find their way back.

The characters we so well developed, I found myself painfully attached to them throughout the entire book. I cried my eyes out with sympathy, horror and anger through the whole thing. I loved the writing, the plot was great, and it's a storyline that I thought was completely unique. This is one of those books that really makes you think.

If it doesn't sound like something you'd like or normally read, try it anyway. My husband forced this book on my and I am so glad he did. Loved it!

How to fit in

BOCOG (the Beijing Organizing Committee of the Olympic Games) has announced a list of 57 “Rules for Foreigners”, presented in a Q&A format. Here’s a few choice picks representative of the warm reception you can expect in Beijing:

• Some parts of the country are closed to visitors -- specifically Tibet.
• Olympic tickets are no guarantee of a visa to enter China. Visas seem to be harder and harder to get – it’s almost like they don’t want us there…
• Don’t plan on camping out – you will be considered homeless. They don’t want you to disturbing their “civilized” appearance.
• Plan on carrying your passport with you everywhere. This way they can “examine” the passports at any time. You know, like in Nazi Germany.
• It is prohibited to wave banners of any religious, political or ethnic slogans, banners and other items. Leave your “Free Tibet” posters at home.
• Don’t get drunk in public, or you will be “dealt with”
• Don’t bring into China “anything detrimental to China’s politics, economy, culture or moral standards, including printed material, film negatives, photos, records, movies, tape recordings, videotapes, optical discs and other items.” And yes, that includes the Judas Priest LP’s you were planning on bringing.

• All rallies, demonstrations and marches, at athletic sites or anywhere else, are also banned during the Games unless approved in advance by public security agencies (like that’s going to happen), a longstanding policy in China even when no Games or other big events are being held. So basically, all you have to do is ask permission to protest, and you can! Right.
• All public swimming pools in Shanghai will check shampoos and body wash. As every good Chinese citizen knows, us Interlopers are pretty filthy.

Now, I understand China’s desire to keep the status quo. The problem is their idea of “status quo” is a long way off from the rest of the worlds. Not every government monitors and censors it citizens with an iron fist. And some of these absurd “common sense” rules are downright insulting. Really, we have to bathe!? Those darn Communists!

Leave the Valtrex at Home...

I love the Olympics. I love the competition, I love routing for my country, and appreciate the talent it takes to get there. Most of all, I love the sense of warmth and good-will that is generated by the Olympics. However, I think my impression of the Olympics as a whole is about to change. This article is the first of a series that should give an idea of what to expect from “the host country” for these Olympics.

On Monday, the organizers of the Beijing Olympics issued its “Six categories of laowai (foreigners) who will be banned from entering China.” Most of them make sense, relating to terrorist activities, selling drugs, etc. There are a few in particular however that seem a bit much.

Here’s the complete list:
1 Foreigners who have already been deported by the government (unless you have been deported and already served your three-year ban… then you’re free to re-apply for a visa – no guarantees though, obviously)
2 Foreigners who have the potential to conduct terrorist operations, violence, or to plan to “overthrow the government”
3 Foreigners considered to have the potential to smuggle or sell drugs or engage in prostitution (closing Maggie’s was a good first step)
4 Have a psychological disorder or other disease such as leprosy, tuberculosis, or a “sexual illness”
5 Foreigners who can not afford expenses during their stay in Beijing
6 Foreigners who are considered to have the potential to endanger the state security and state interests

Number 5 is one of my favorites - “Foreigners who can not afford expenses during their stay in Beijing”. It’s just so ridiculous! Do they really think the world’s indigent have saved up for a ticket to China to go beg there? Why would someone go to the Olympics of all things of they were flat broke? And is this concern really in the same league with terrorist acts?

I also liked #3, “Foreigners considered to have the potential to smuggle or sell drugs or engage in prostitution”. Does that mean if you dress like a tramp or wear lots of gold chains they won’t let you in? What exactly do they mean by “potential”?

Obviously, the most disturbing is #4. Psychological disorder? Sexual illness? And who the hell has leprosy any more? I can’t believe that these issues are looked upon with such derision by the Chinese that they would ban people sealing with these things them from the Olympics. And how exactly will this be enforced - are they going to pat me down for Valtrex? Will I be searched for Prozac? Or maybe it will be on the honor system.

To me, this is a clear representation of how the Chinese view the rest of the world. Beggars, thieves, depraved, crazy and diseased – Why did they sign up for this if it meant letting in the riff-raff from outside their precious borders? I really think the IOC had it's head up it's ass when this decision was made, and think it's going to blow up in their faces.

Just remember all you lepers out there, China is on to your rotting asses!

grumpy old men

What’s happened to John McCain? He started this race as an honorable statesman and war-hero, with the highest respect from his peers. Going into this race, I remember thinking “if it has to be a Republican, I would want it to be John McCain.” Not so much anymore.

This morning I got to see Mr. McCain’s latest campaign ad, comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears - all celebrity and no substance. Apparently they are trying to take Obama’s popularity and turn it into a vice. But, don’t all political candidates want to be popular? Isn’t that how they get elected? Doesn’t McCain want the public to like him, or does he even care?

Within hours of that gem, he flat-out accused Obama of “playing the race card”. Seriously!? I can’t think of anything more desperate or cliché to throw into a political campaign. This came in response to Obama stating that Republicans would try and scare the public by saying things like "`he's (Obama) not patriotic enough, he's got a funny name,' you know, `he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.`” McCain sounds more and more desperate every time he opens his mouth.

And then there’s all the viral bullshit floating around. There was a heart-warming memo about the many, many virtues of Cindy McCain, supposedly written by an “objective observer”. Of course it doesn’t talk about how she is a recovering drug addict, and stole said drugs from a charitable organization to feed her habit. In a not-so-strange coincidence, this came out right about the time Michelle Obama was being bashed for saying she was finally proud of her government. Hmmm...

Another memo, again supposedly from a concerned citizen trying to inform the masses, on the evils of Barack Obama: he’s a radical Muslim, he refuses to recite the pledge of allegiance, he was sworn into Senate on the Quran instead of the bible… It goes on and on with outright, confirmed falsehoods. I wonder where this stuff comes from…

The last straw came for me this morning, when my Republican friend sent me a video comparing Barack Obama to Fidel Castro. They were both young and promised change, therefore Obama will become a dictator and turn us into a communist state. You can watch it here. If this isn’t a ridiculous case of grabbing at straws, I don’t know what is.

So what has happened to John McCain? He was an honorable, likeable, moderate Republican that had promise. Certainly, any honor he had is long gone. He’s become a desperate, angry old man, trying to mask his own unpopularity by spewing lies and ridiculous innuendo. And yes, I applaud Obama for taking the high road. He’s not handing out mud pies, he’s barely recognizing the ones being thrown at him.

Is it November yet?