Evolution Gone Horribly Wrong

A friend of mine sent me these disturbing photos illustrating some alarming similarities between some of pop culture’s most infamous characters and their eerily similar look-alikes. Some paleontologists are calling this “irrefutable evidence” that evolutionary mutations are in fact a reality, and in some cases still haunt the human race today.

In this photo we see Hillary Clinton next to a Velociraptor, long thought to have died out during the Cretaceous period. However we see here a striking similarity between the two, particularly in the attack position seen here in both photos. Considering this new evidence of Mrs. Clinton’s apparent ancestors, we can now begin to understand the analagous behavior patterns.

While purported to be fictional, this picture of “Chucky” of Hollywood fame bears an uncanny resemblance to American Idol’s Clay Aiken. Mr. Aiken, long thought to be a shy & retiring “cub” of the gay community, apparently has quite anefarious family history. This disquieting likeness begs the question, what really happened after “Bride of Chucky” ended production? Disturbing.

This next comparison shows Michael Jackson, long known as “The King of Pop”, next to a bust of an Egyptian pharaoh. Could it be that Michael Jackson was the descendant of this ancient king/god? Note the inimitable semblance, particularly in the nose. Both are grossly deformed, & both appear to be wearing copious amounts of cosmetics. It certainly gives one pause.

Lastly, we have Flava Flav and “Stripe” from the popular eighties film “Gremlins”. Again though "professed" to be fictional, Stripe was an extremely violent and angry little monster, not unlike Flava Flav himself. Was Stripe really fictional, or could this be, dare I say it, the creature directly responsible for Mr. Flav’s very being? The likeness, particularly in the teeth, certainly begs the question. This could actually be the creature responsible for the horror, otherwise known as “Flavor of Love”.

Evil, it seems, continues to persevere.

Not to Say I Told You So...

More bad news on the coming Apocalypse. You may recall my previous post "Here's a Conspiracy For You", which outlined the terrorist plot of snakes around the world trying to take over.

Six African rock pythons, an aggressive species that can grow up to 20 feet long, have been discovered in Florida since 2002, including a pregnant female and two hatchlings. Large and vicious, African rock pythons are known to eat alligators and to humans. There's a new sheriff in town, and it makes Wyatt Earp look like Tinkerbell.

With the addition of the African rock python, Florida is now playing host to three non-native constrictors, including the Burmese python and the boa constrictor. While the Burmese python and boa constrictor are considered fairly mild mannered unless they are hungry, African rock pythons are said to exist in a permanent bad mood and will strike with little provocation. Oh, and females lay about 100 egg at a time. These animals have been found with everything from alligators to adult human males in their stomachs. And apparently, they've set their sights on North America. I mean, look at that thing!

What kills me are these people who continue to breed and nurture what seems to be evolving into one of The Four Horsemen. Last week, authorities seized a 400-pound, 18-foot-long Burmese python from a home near Lake Apopka. The giant snake belonged to the brother of Melvin Cheever, who began caring for it after his sibling moved out of state. He said he had fed the snake seven rabbits earlier in the day and that the python was very docile. Very docile indeed...

I also included a pic of some good samaritan who is raising a few of these lovely creatures. Look, a water bowl and everything. How sweet.

What the hell is going on?! Did Keeping up with the Kardashians finally send Mother nature over the edge? I thought maybe we had saved ourselves by getting the Republicans out of power, but apparently, too little, too late.

Get Your Violins Ready...

Oh, where to begin. Let me premise this article with the fact that I am in fact watching this show - it's entirely too good to pass up. The nightly competition show is held in the Costa Rican jungle, with pseudo-celebrities vying for crappy rewards and money for their favorite charities. The grand prize you ask? Coronation as King or Queen of the Jungle. Wow.

On Monday's debut, the main focus was on Heidi whining and Spencer throwing temper tantrums. Sadly, no one was eliminated. Co-host Damien Fahey told the audience at the top of the show "The only thing that's certain is, YOU are in control of their lives,". Promises, promises.

Here is a line-up of the “celebrities”:

- Stephen Baldwin, actor, kind of. I like Stephen. He was on fringe of the “Brat Pack” of the 1980’s (Julia Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, Emilio Estevez, etc.), and I loved him in Flatliners. He had a run of horrible movies, gained some weight, became a born again Christian, and is now running the celebrity game-show circuit. No surprises here.
- Torrie Wilson, pro wrestler, token hot blonde.
- Patti Blagojevich, former IL first lady and second choice from her husband Rob, the former Governor of Illinois. Rod was NBC’s first choice, however a judge ruled he could not leave the country as he is currently under indictment for what has been called a “corruption crime spree“. I would’ve given anything to see him on this show…
- Spencer and Heidi Pratt, America’s favorite douchebag and his charming wife from “The Hills” .And may I say, they are certainly living up to their namesakes.
- Sanjaya Malakar, the bane of existence for “American Idol” fans everywhere.
- John Salley, former NBA pro and “TV Personality” (whatever the hell that means)
- Janice Dickinson, a case-study in cougarism with very large lips and has something to do with modeling
- Francis Collier and Angela Shelton, comedic duo ”Frangela”. Never heard of them, but probably the most non-annoying humor on the show.
- Lou Diamond-Phillips, actor, with apparently very little to do or a bad coke habit which needs to be fed. I mean WTF Lou? You’re better than this!!

And so the drama begins. Wanna-be socialite Heidi Pratt is seen on Monday wondering aloud, "Is that a REAL monkey?". Heidi apparently is not cut out for jungle life. So traumatized was Ms. Pratt in a moment of desperation she cried out "This is just almost borderline real torture. Like I would do to al-Qaida." Wow. Really?

The couple has repeatedly threatened to leave the show. Sadly for us they keep coming back - kind of like herpes outbreaks. After coming back on one occasion and finding the others had plundered their belongings in their absence, Spencer went ballistic. "Where does it end?! Where does it end?!" he railed. Heidi commented “I’m just praying to be nice to someone who was so horrible to me and vandalized my hair product.”

Spencer was also very interested in Patti‘s Husband‘s legal woes. He did comment however, "Just so you know, when I met him, I was like, this is who I would have voted for the president of the United States of America." Then Patti clasped hands with Spencer and Heidi, who led them in prayer: "I pray that the truth will be revealed. I pray that he will triumph ..." At this point I vomited in my mouth a little.

Then after Spencer was baptized in the river by Stephen Baldwin (oh, I know…) Spencer and Heidi told their costars on Tuesday's show that they were leaving for good. "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi," Spencer said. "I'm too rich and too famous," he told the other contestants.

Bitch please…

Last night however they were back, begging for forgiveness and wanting back in the jungle. According to Heidi, Satan made them make a bad decision, and now they’re back. It’s such a train wreck, but somehow I can’t look away…

Evil is Not Dead, It's Living in Hollywood

Leader of the Pack - HGTV

The premise for this animal cruelty show starts with a family looking for the perfect dog. So eight dogs are chosen to compete begin a series of challenges to test their skills and compatibility with the Reckseit family. Every week, a dog is voted off.

So let’s bring in 8 dogs from the pound that have already been rejected , let the children bond with them, and then send them packing. The dogs must prove themselves worthy through a series of “challenges”, including a fashion show, how well they learn tricks, and best of all a consultation with fucking pet psychic. Honestly I can think of a crueler premise for a reality show.

Who the hell came up with this? Michael Vick?

Hitched or Ditched - CW

This premise of this show just warms the heart. "Hitched or Ditched," essentially goads happy couples into breaking up. Each week, it finds a couple who have yet to tie the knot and offers to make them a dream wedding in a week. There's a catch, of course. At the ceremony, in front of friends and family and strangers with cameras, each will have to make a final declaration: I do or I don't.

All of us have probably struggled with the question of “shit or get off the pot”, but to encourage real brides and grooms to leave their partners at the altar is just evil. If the outcome is bad (and it appears this series isn't committed to happy endings), one party walks away crushed and exposed on national TV.

This is so wrong on so many levels. Someone over at CW apparently has some deep-rooted resentments to work through…

More to Love - Fox

This one has me concerned. Fox has announced More to Love, a new reality dating series that stars a plus-size bachelor as he attempts to woo several plus-size bachelorettes.

Per the show‘s producer Mike Fleiss, "This is a dating show that sends the right message about embracing and loving yourself no matter your shape or size, "When you are comfortable with your own body, you can really allow yourself to be open to the possibility of finding the right person to love."

I would love to believe that Mr. Fleiss is sincere. However he is a reality show producer on Fox - I mean come on. My fear is that this will turn into “let’s watch the fat people roll around in the sack - eeeeeew!” I guess time will tell. I will be watching these trailers closely - any hint of poking fun or sensationalizing obesity I’m so on the phone.

Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood

Oh joy! Oxygen is picking up a second season of this examination of excess and undeserved idolatry as we follow the couple as they balance their family life with the “pressures” of being super-rich and providing unrealistic expectations for teenage girls around the country. Awwwww - it must be so hard for them. Millions of mindless adoring fans, ridiculous salaries for doing absolutely nothing...

Poor Tori and Dean. Give me a fucking break.

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Oughta’ Here! - NBC
I started to write about this show for this post, but quickly realized there is waaaay too much to make fun of. More to come on this one…

Does Something Seem Off?

Driving to work today I just could not get over the fact that The Evil One is gone. It’s like winning the lottery! For the longest time I’ve felt an ongoing, pervasive dread I just couldn’t place. A feeling of anger and antipathy bubbling just below the surface. Today I woke up and realized something was off, because I was in a good mood. And then I remembered George W. Bush is no longer president! Yay!

Call him what you will, Satan, The Dark Lord, Beelzebub, Lord Sauron, Atilla the Hun, The Antichrist, he’s been the face of America for 8 years. A disturbingly ugly face, but a face nonetheless. Thankfully, that face is finally changing.

Just think, no more Charles Montgomery Burns evil snickering, no more bastardizations of the English language, no more redneck accent, and oh – no more killing of innocent civilians, and sending our troops to their deaths to fight a made up war based on lies. Which is a good thing.

Anyway – I just had to share my glee. I know I may seem harsh, but wow, so have been the last 8 years. I know things aren’t going to be perfect overnight, and I hope the rest of America keeps that in mind as well. We finally have a good man in office, so let’s give him the time to do a good job.

In closing, kiss my white ass George!!!

Why People Make Fun of Marketing

As many of you know, I’ve been working in the Marketing industry for most of my adult life. I’ve seen quite a bit of bad and bizarre marketing and advertising, and these little gems fall decidedly into both. I recently read an article in DM News, normally an extremely boring trade publication, on “unique” mailing lists. Here’s my personal favorites from the top ten weirdest lists they came across:

“Dads Who Throw Turkeys”: What?! This just screams “My Big Redneck Wedding”. Oddly enough, the picture to the right illustrates exactly what I though of. And yes, this is a picture from an actual Turkey Toss COntest in Birmingham Alabama. Note the turkey flying in front of the tree, the belly in mid flight, and the judges table to make sure all is above board.

As it turns out, this list has something to do with bowling. Maybe it’s just me, but perhaps some more though should’ve gone into coming up with a list name that means something to the other 98% of the population.

“Mancation Nation”: This one threw me. What the hell is a “Mancation”, and why would I want to market to people that have them, buy them, sell them, or ingest them? Apparently, an “Mancation” is when dudes from Miller Lite commercials go on a trip to do really manly stuff. Like get really drunk, fart a lot, and kill anything that moves.

“Celebrities”: Sounds innocuous enough. However 48,500 people on the list seems a bit much. Granted, there are many “celebrities” out there (yes Paris I’m talking about you) where we should probably use that term loosely. This list however includes every moron to have every graced the set of a reality TV show. Now that’s loose.


“My Colon MD”: Yikes. I’m thinking a little more “creativity” could have been put into this list to make it a hair more professional, other than “the butt doctor list”. On the other hand the possibilities for people like me are endless. I’d probably go with something like “Doctors Obsessed with Assholes in Medical School”, “Sphincter Specialists”, or my personal favorite “Assholes ‘R Us”.

I mean who in there right mind wouldn't want to "probe the depths" on this guy?

“The Collagen Store”: I’m assuming this is a list of companies that make collagen to be injected into the lips of prima-donnas and porn stars around the world. So, what, do you buy it by the vat? Eeeew.

There you have it – one more pearl from the oyster that is Marketing.

Simon's Birthday

Oh my God am I old. Simon Le Bon, former sexpot and Duran Duran front man has turned 50. I thought I was old when “Duran Duran Greatest” came out, but now it’s official. Duran Duran was a main staple at my freshman year dances. And what’s really sad is I remember them like they were last week. And I can’t believe I’m saying “I remember it like it was yesterday”…

How did this happen? Because I don’t remember getting old, I don’t feel old, apparently however my worst fears have come true. Do I have to start buying Metamucil now? Depends, Porcelana, Ben Gay? I’m not ready!

At least some of however know when it's time to hang up the speedos. Yikes.

Circle of Life

Brings a tear to your eye...

When Motown hits CrazyTown

This is priceless. My office peeps are learning the steps...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

How to Raise an Idiot

Last night on Leno, we were introduced to the 3 dumbest people in America. That’s what I’d like to think of course, but I’m pretty sure that’s just wishful thinking. He started the show with “JayWalking Allstars” - asking some basic questions to the “man on the street”. These are the pearls of wisdom that got these people this dubious title:

Question to Larissa: “Who are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?”
Answer: “I don’t know. Are they dancers?”

Question to Harmik: “Who is the Vice President?”
Answer: “Uh, I know this – it’s not Dan Quayle – no it’s that other person”

Question - “Who is Nancy Pelosi, why is she famous? She’s the first woman to do something.”
Jannia: “She’s the first woman to do something? Oh. That blows a couple of things I thought about. I think there was a girl that does porn, but she’s not the first.”

So these three political glitterati were brought on for a face-off. Here is a sampling of how that went:

Question – shown a picture of Mahatma Ghandi: Harmik, who is this?
Harmik - That guy who played Mahatma Ghandi – Ben Kingsley

Question - Who succeeded Ronald Regan as President
Larissa - Succeeded meaning…? Came after him? OK. I only know a certain amount of presidents, you know. Just the important ones – I can’t even names the ones that I don’t know.

Question – Where is Red Square?
Jannia – Are we thinking board games here? Um, search me.

Question – I’ll give you two names, who are they? Orville and Wilbur.
Larissa – Redenbacher! Oh no – the plane guys.

Question – Where would you go to find the Space Needle?
Jannia – If it’s the space needle, wouldn’t be in space? (is told it’s on the ground) Oh, oh, Area 51!

Question – What does Condaleeza Rice Do?
Harmik – She tells the president what to do
Jannia – The other woman
Larissa – They brought her up in school one time. She did something wrong. Didn’t she?

Question (shown a picture of John Edwards): Who is this?
Harmik – Yeah he’s an actor – that guy from Twister. Bill Pullman.

It boggles my mind that people like this walk around every day, and somehow manage not to step in front of a bus. To be fair, all 3 of these future politicos are in their early 20’s (not to mention acting students), but come on! How can you not know who the Vice President is!

Well, let’s hope those bus drivers start taking aim – natural selection, baby.

Fall Reality - What to Watch (says me)

The Biggest Loser: Families
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 8PM ET/PT - NBC
NBC has announced The Biggest Loser: Families -- the reality weight-loss series' sixth-season. This installment will be a "family edition" featuring teams consisting of two family members each.

I love this show! I’m so psyched that it’s back. All kidding aside, it’s great watching these people turn their lives around. It almost inspires me to start getting into the fitness thing… almost.

Survivor: Gabon
Premieres on Thursday, September 18 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The seventeenth edition of this long-running reality competition series will mark the debut of CBS' new fall schedule. The rest of the network's schedule won't begin premiering until Monday, September 22, the official start of the 2008-2009 television season.

Thank God it’s back. I love this show. So much to love, so much to make fun of. You’ll definitely be getting updates on this one as the season progresses. Yay!!

The Amazing Race 13
Premiers Sunday, September 28 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The Amazing Race's thirteenth season begins at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in late April and concludes in the Portland, OR area. Over the course of 23 days, the teams embark on a 30,000-mile trek that includes visits to Brazil, Bolivia, Russia and India -- as well as the show's first-ever stop in Kazakhstan.

Another one of my favorites. Inevitably there’s a couple that is at each other’s throats through the whole thing – very entertaining. Then there’s the whiner, the team that screws everyone over… Good times.

Top Design
Premieres Wednesday, September 3 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Top Design's second season will be similar to last winter's edition, the contestants will live together in a loft and compete in various design-themed challenges, with the winner receiving a grand prize package of $100,000 and a four-page editorial showcase in Elle Decor magazine.

I love this show. It’s always so much fun to mock other people’s failings. You do get some good ideas from this show, as there a lot of cool designs. But the best part really is making fun of the really ugly stuff.

Secret Millionaire
Premieres on Wednesday, December 3 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
This new reality series follows wealthy Americans as they leave their lavish lifestyles to learn what it's like to try and survive in some of the country's most impoverished neighborhoods.

Episodes will follow the wealthy participants as they go undercover to various impoverished neighborhoods for roughly a week to meet different poverty-stricken people and experience what it's like to live their lifestyle. On the last day of their experience, the millionaires will reveal their true identities to the penniless people and also give at least $100,000 of their own money -- often times more -- to those they've met.

This sounds kind of cool - kind of like “Daddy Warbucks – Hidin’ Out in Harlem”. If I were still living in my first apartment, I probably could’ve been on this show.

Dogtown
Premiers Friday, January 4, at 9 p.m. ET/PT – National Geographic
Dogtown takes viewers inside the grounds to meet the dogs and the team dedicated to ensuring that even the toughest cases survive. This expert team of caregivers has a single mission - to transform hopeless dogs into loving pets.

Abuse or neglect has turned some of these dogs into aggressive animals, and their trip to Dogtown is their last chance for a better life.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch this, but I think it’s great that Nat Geo is airing it. These people don’t get nearly enough of the credit they deserve. Hopefully it will also raise awareness to the need for help in this area. Humans can be real bastards.

And that's my girl Josie - one of my best and oldest friends.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 3

Cash Or Capture
Premieres November 2008 on Sci-Fi
Cash or Capture is a reality competition show that pits a group of contestants against each other for a cash prize, while being stalked by relentless "hunters." Based on a successful Japanese format from Fuji Television, the action takes place over 60 minutes of real time in various landmark locations.

Have we really gotten so desperate for ideas we’re turning to the Japanese?! And who exactly are these “relentless hunters”? Has Sauron unleashed the Nazgul once again? Take the ring Frodo! Take the ring!

Rock of Love Girls: Charm School
Premieres Fall 2008 on VH1
VH1’s Charm School is returning for a second season. While the first season was hosted by Mo’Nique, Sharon Osbourne will be the host for the second season. In the series, Sharon Osbourne will face the challenge of teaching fourteen of the girls from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels how to be more lady-like.

Contestants from both seasons of Rock of Love will live under one roof as they study etiquette, fashion, manners, and moderation. Each week the contestants will undertake a unique lesson and then take a test, which will lead to an expulsion. The last surviving contestant will win a $100,000 prize.

This is priceless. Have you seen these girls? They’re skanks! Every single one of them. And Sharon Osbourne, of all people, is going to teach them to be “lady-like”. That’s right, the lady who married a man who eats bats, and has ingested enough drugs to put Manuel Noriega out of business.

I don’t think I can force myself to watch this, but it sounds hilarious.

Celebrity Rehab 2
Premieres Thursday, Jan. 10, 10PM ET on VH1
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew is a reality show that chronicles the drug and alcohol rehabilitation of several well-knowns trying to rid themselves of the their addictions. Dr. Drew Pinsky will be supervising the celebrities during their inpatient stay at the Pasadena Recovery Center in California.

The eight celebrities checking in are:
- Child star, Jaimee Foxworth of singing group “Heaven Sent,” and tv’s “Family Matters.”
- Crazytown’s lead singer, Seth “Shifty” Binzer.
- UFC Heavyweight Champ, Ricco “Suave” Rodriguez.
- Another Baldwin Brother on reality TV?! Yep, this time it’s Daniel.
- Model Brigitte Nielson.
- Joan Marie Laurer — or you may know her better as buff WWF wrestler, Chyna.
- Porn star Mary Carey.
- Jeff Conaway…yes, that’s hot “Greaser,” Kenicke.
- American Idol season 4 top ten finalist, Jessica Sierra

This looks like it could be very entertaining, or just really, really dumb. Due to the fact that recognize 3 names on this list, I’m gonna’ go with really, really dumb. And yes, that's a picture of the glamorous Bridgette Neilsen.

This would have been so much better with Dr. Ruth.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst part 1

My Super Sweet 16 Presents: Exiled!
Premieres Monday, August 25 at 10:30PM ET/PT - MTV
This new reality series sends former “My Super Sweet 16” teens to live with the indigenous tribes of far away countries for the opportunity to add some perspective to their world view.

Each episode will follow one of eight girls who -- at the behest of their parents – has been transplanted to a primitive tribe around the world to experience the lifestyle of the teenage girls who live there year round.

So these spoiled little punk-ass bitches will be sent to live with the natives in a remote jungle. I can already hear the bitching and whining. One word – cannibalism. There’s a reason for it people.

The Rachel Zoe Project
Premiere Monday, September 8 at 11PM ET/PT – Bravo
This new reality series follows celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe and her team of fashion experts as they attempt to take their business to the next level.

The Rachel Zoe Project will offer viewers a behind-the-scenes look at Zoe and her team as they attempt to put Zoe at the forefront of a new business. Zoe and her team are also always trying to ensure she's still able to help her celebrity clients while juggling everything from fashion magazine deadlines to photo shoots.

Who the hell is Rachel Zoe? Yet another biting example that anyone, I mean anyone, can get their own reality show. And what is going on at Bravo? First they get rid of Project Runway, and now this crap. I think all the gays must have resigned and gone to Lifetime.

Hole in the Wall
Premiere Thursday, September 11 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
Hosted by actress Brooke Burns and TV personality Mark Thompson, each Hole in the Wall episode will follow two teams competing against each other to get through various walls speeding towards them. Their only means of getting through will be different-sized shapes, forcing the contestants to contort their bodies in unison as they either squeeze through or get knocked into a pool below.

So this is a show about people trying to climb through holes in walls. Apparently this show has been a hit in Japan (go figure), the UK and Australia. I'm just not gettin' it.

Solo: Lost at Sea
Premieres Monday, Sept. 15 at 10PM ET/PT – National Geographic Channel
Solo: Lost at Sea, is a series that documents adventurer Andrew McAuley's attempt to become the first person to kayak solo from Australia to New Zealand.

McAuley's journey is documented by a video camera mounted on the bow of his boat, capturing his own words and the strokes of his paddle as he attempted to survive wild storms, circling sharks and an exhausting month of paddling across the Tasman Sea.

Wow, that so doesn’t sound very interesting. “Capturing the strokes of his paddle”? Whoever came up with this show is a stroke.

"Happiest Place on Earth" shows dark side

In a disturbing show of force, Disneyland was surrounded by angry Disney characters calling for blood this Thursday. Those lovable Disney characters who have won the hearts of millions, apparently “have finally had enough” The openly hostile horde complained of hostile work environments, decreasing wages and now greatly reduced benefits.

According to screen legend Robin Hood, Disney has “gone too far” in its recent proposal to the labor union. Disney wants to eliminate the free health plan for new hires, affecting such newcomers as Wall-E, Prince Caspian, and Chloe the Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Also put at risk are contract negotiations with Bolt and Mr. Mittens of the highly anticipated “Bolt the American Dog”, scheduled to be released late 2008. “I just don’t know if I want to be associated with a franchise that treats its talent with such little regard.” said Mr. Mittens. “I have a litter due in less than a month – I need that healthcare!”

Additionally, Disney wants to create a new class of workers who put in less than 30 hours a week. Those part-time workers would receive no sick or vacation pay and not be given holidays. The company also wants to increase the number of hours full-time employees must work before qualifying for the health plan.

“Where will it end?” exclaimed Ariel of “Little Mermaid” fame. “We can only give so much of ourselves. I’ve been putting in over 60 hours a week with this ‘Disney Princess’ bullshit, and I’m completely tapped!”. She also added “Hell, I should be getting a raise for putting up with that pretentious bitch Snow White for the last 5 years. Princess my ass”.

Disney spokeswoman Lisa Haines said Disney and the union are in negotiations and nothing has been finalized. "Clearly we're disappointed that Unite Here Local 681 has spent more time protesting," she said. "Publicity stunts are not productive and are extremely disruptive to the resort district."

Mickey Mouse, co-founder of Disney, could not be reached for comment.

How to fit in

BOCOG (the Beijing Organizing Committee of the Olympic Games) has announced a list of 57 “Rules for Foreigners”, presented in a Q&A format. Here’s a few choice picks representative of the warm reception you can expect in Beijing:

• Some parts of the country are closed to visitors -- specifically Tibet.
• Olympic tickets are no guarantee of a visa to enter China. Visas seem to be harder and harder to get – it’s almost like they don’t want us there…
• Don’t plan on camping out – you will be considered homeless. They don’t want you to disturbing their “civilized” appearance.
• Plan on carrying your passport with you everywhere. This way they can “examine” the passports at any time. You know, like in Nazi Germany.
• It is prohibited to wave banners of any religious, political or ethnic slogans, banners and other items. Leave your “Free Tibet” posters at home.
• Don’t get drunk in public, or you will be “dealt with”
• Don’t bring into China “anything detrimental to China’s politics, economy, culture or moral standards, including printed material, film negatives, photos, records, movies, tape recordings, videotapes, optical discs and other items.” And yes, that includes the Judas Priest LP’s you were planning on bringing.

• All rallies, demonstrations and marches, at athletic sites or anywhere else, are also banned during the Games unless approved in advance by public security agencies (like that’s going to happen), a longstanding policy in China even when no Games or other big events are being held. So basically, all you have to do is ask permission to protest, and you can! Right.
• All public swimming pools in Shanghai will check shampoos and body wash. As every good Chinese citizen knows, us Interlopers are pretty filthy.

Now, I understand China’s desire to keep the status quo. The problem is their idea of “status quo” is a long way off from the rest of the worlds. Not every government monitors and censors it citizens with an iron fist. And some of these absurd “common sense” rules are downright insulting. Really, we have to bathe!? Those darn Communists!

dark night inspires dark tragedy

Mondays are a generally slow night in the peaceful hamlet of Three Rivers, MI. Last Monday however, that peace was woefully shattered by a grisly wake-up call from infamous villain, “The Joker”. The town will never be the same.

Apparently, 20-year old Spencer Taylor thought last Monday would be the perfect opportunity to break out his new “Joker” costume, and wreak havoc on the local movie theater. In his green wig, fancy purple suit, and his face painted as his favorite comic book character (aaawwwww), Mr. Taylor tried to steal movie posters and generally “bust up the place”.

Sadly for Taylor, the 16 year-old girl at the ticket counter felt enough was enough, and restrained him until police arrived. “He kicked and screamed and cried”, said Candy Dofino, “I really felt sorry for the little guy.”

That last part I made up, but I think it’s a funny visual.

Anyhoo, Mr. Taylor has been booked for investigation of larceny and malicious destruction of property. Sorry kid, maybe next time. They may take your freedom, but they can never take your dreams.

A great idea gone horribly wrong...

It has recently come to my attention that my favorite television genre, Reality TV, has of late taken on a much, much darker side. Disturbing images from the past that we had all assumed were dead and gone, are now crawling out from the depths and creating their own reality shows. I offer the following examples as a warning to all Reality TV buffs looking for a new fix.

The Two Coreys
This ridiculous time-waster is set around Corey Haim and Corey Feldman trying to kiss and make-up. They will both be starring in Lost Boys 2, and want to make sure they have that “warm fuzziness” back in their relationship before they start shooting. They actually go to a therapist, where we see the disturbing image of Corey Feldman crying over his lost love, Corey Haim. Can’t we all just get along?

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels, former AquaNet king from the eighties hair-band “Poison”, is entering into his 3rd season of his ongoing search for “true love”. Basically, Bret has developed his own version of “The Bachelor”, where he always gets to be the bachelor. As we are going into season 3, so apparently things haven’t gone so well.

This season, he’s going cross-country on his tour bus with a bunch of well, skanks, trying to get in his pants. As you can see by the pic, Bret has great taste in women - so classy! So when he gives them the boot – does he just drop them at the nearest truck stop? Judging by this photo, they'd probably be able to find work pretty quick...

Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant!
That’s right, Scott Baio has his own reality show, and apparently it’s starting it’s second season. Apparently he knocked up his girlfriend and now their getting married. For shame, Chachi, for shame!!

Other media whores/D-listers with their own reality shows
Christopher Knight, Tori Spelling, Dina and Ali Lohan, Brooke Hogan, George Foreman, the entire cast of “The Surreal Life” including Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), Ron Jeremy (porn star – really gross), Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer (WWF Professional Wrestler), Sandy “Pepa” Denton (of Salt n’ Pepa), Bridgette Nielsen, Vanilla Ice, Robin Leach, Emmanuel Lewis (the midget from “Webster”), Andrea Lowell (Playboy model), C.C. Deville (formerly of hair bands Poison and Warrant).

What is going on?! Scott Baio? Emmanuel Lewis? Vanilla Ice for God’s sake?! It’s like a horrible nightmare about being chased by zombies with big hair and royalty checks – they just won’t die! All I’m saying is, be careful out there.

lovesick

Courtney Love has lost her mind. This fact is painfully, excruciatingly, outlined on her MySpace blog located here. Here you can truly experience the psychosis that is Courtney Love.

Here’s an introduction to her alter ego, “Cherry Kookoo”, who seems to be responsible for most of her behavior and inane ranting:

“thank you for putting up with my kookoo bananas alter ego should; we give her a name? shoudl we give my alter ego a name? hmnmmmm Cherry! "Cherry kookoo" so if /when im overcome and blog again wich i wont do i took a picture of a friend looking at me rather sternly to remind me not to- well know it was Cherry Kookoo, but i think I've killed her off.”

Apparently this is what happens when Cherry Kookoo comes out when Courtney is blogging:

“give me My bloody Valentine, Fleetwoood Mac, glasvegas ArcadeFire, Abba, Bread, and Joy Divison, and .....yes could I take one more...the Libertines...oh shit I think CHERRY KOO KOO GET OUT OUT OUT you STUPID BITCH, go POSE FOR THE PAPS, TRY RUNNING NAKED OR SOMETHING!! GOD SHE ='s SUCH A FUCKING PEST , I swear to god, shej's obssessed me!!”

There’s an enormous amount of ranting about all the people who have stolen her money, all the fraud she has been subjected to, the assholes at Experian messing with her credit score, and her credit card bills. She loves to point out that all these bloodsuckers are stealing from “her daughter”, not her. Oh – and it seems she’d like to start a lesbian affair with Gwenyth Paltrow.

It is important to note that I have not edited anything (painful as it was) – I wanted to give you a true taste of Courtney’s mastery of the English (I think) language.

What I can’t stress enough is the pure volume of shit – I think it’s called “diarrhea of the mouth”. It goes on and on and on and on. Kind of like this post. Regarding the sweet pic I found, admittedly, I could’ve picked a better shot. But I think this one really shows her inner beauty. So to sum up, she’s fucking nuts.

Bill Clinton - the death of a dream

This article from The Onion (one of the funniest sites out there) tells of Bill Clinton's dashed hopes of becoming first lady. Check it out here. A disturbing view of one man's shattered dreams.

The Pringle - neither a potato nor a chip.

Boy do I feel stupid. According to a British judge, Pringles are not in fact potato chips. Apparently, they are something “else”, which as of yet remains undefined. Here is an excerpt of the news article which shattered my long held beliefs about Pringles:

“Pringles don't fulfill the legal definition of "potato crisp," allowing them to be sold tax-free in Britain. Under law, most food is exempt from the 17.5% sales tax. The national tax office claimed that Pringles were covered by an exception for products such as potato chips, sticks or puffs.

Procter & Gamble maintains that the snack isn't a chip because it is cooked from baked dough, not potato slices. Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," said P&G's lawyer. "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." The judge agreed. "Pringles aren't "made from the potato" for the purposes of the tax exemption," he said. He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.

So as it turns out, Pringles aren’t made from potatoes – they’re made from baked dough. I feel completely bamboozled. I do however feel much more informed after reading the definition of a potato chip vs. a Pringle - Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," and "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." Indeed. There are many other things that give a sharp crunchy sensation under the tooth, not all of them good.

And then this – “He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.” Excuse me? You don’t know what they are? Unfortunately, this revelation has forced me to rethink the Pringle as one of my favorite snacks, due to its increasingly shady provenance in the junk food community.