Phil Spector's Unlikely Beginnings

I came across this on TMZ and felt I had to share. Phil Spector, a music producer, a behind-the-scenes guy whose ideas supposedly changed the sound of rock music, was recently sentenced to 19 years to life in prison for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson.

I know you’ll have a hard time believing it by looking at this pic, but Phil actually sports a piece - and I don’t mean the kind used to murder young actresses. What's killing me about this "reference" photo, is that he paid someone to make fake hair look like this...

But on to my point, check out the mugshot comparisons here. Now obviously, Phil Spector is one of the UnDead. I was hoping these comparisons could shed some light on his supernatural lineage.

This one with The Cryptkeeper is pretty compelling. Though I don't know, I mean The Cryptkeeper seems to have a much stronger jaw and more of an aquiline nose. I'm not quite convinced.

This glamour shot with the evil butler from The Rocky Horror Picture Show is also pretty darn close.

But obviously, this guy is much better looking, and with a fuller head of hair. Not to mention the Adonis-like physique sported by our Transexual Transylvanian friend.

Close, but no cigar I think. Phil should wish for such genes.


Now this is much more intriguing. The bulging eyes, the greasy clumps of hair, and the corpse-like bloated flesh are too much too ignore. The similarities are too eerie to ignore.

My pick for the best look-alike, hands down, is this man.

It is my belief that Phil Spector is the illegitimate son of Gollum.

To see the whole frightening line-up, check it out at http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/phil_spector_mugshotalike - Let me know what you think. Just leave the lights on - it’s scary.

Get Your Violins Ready...

Oh, where to begin. Let me premise this article with the fact that I am in fact watching this show - it's entirely too good to pass up. The nightly competition show is held in the Costa Rican jungle, with pseudo-celebrities vying for crappy rewards and money for their favorite charities. The grand prize you ask? Coronation as King or Queen of the Jungle. Wow.

On Monday's debut, the main focus was on Heidi whining and Spencer throwing temper tantrums. Sadly, no one was eliminated. Co-host Damien Fahey told the audience at the top of the show "The only thing that's certain is, YOU are in control of their lives,". Promises, promises.

Here is a line-up of the “celebrities”:

- Stephen Baldwin, actor, kind of. I like Stephen. He was on fringe of the “Brat Pack” of the 1980’s (Julia Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, Emilio Estevez, etc.), and I loved him in Flatliners. He had a run of horrible movies, gained some weight, became a born again Christian, and is now running the celebrity game-show circuit. No surprises here.
- Torrie Wilson, pro wrestler, token hot blonde.
- Patti Blagojevich, former IL first lady and second choice from her husband Rob, the former Governor of Illinois. Rod was NBC’s first choice, however a judge ruled he could not leave the country as he is currently under indictment for what has been called a “corruption crime spree“. I would’ve given anything to see him on this show…
- Spencer and Heidi Pratt, America’s favorite douchebag and his charming wife from “The Hills” .And may I say, they are certainly living up to their namesakes.
- Sanjaya Malakar, the bane of existence for “American Idol” fans everywhere.
- John Salley, former NBA pro and “TV Personality” (whatever the hell that means)
- Janice Dickinson, a case-study in cougarism with very large lips and has something to do with modeling
- Francis Collier and Angela Shelton, comedic duo ”Frangela”. Never heard of them, but probably the most non-annoying humor on the show.
- Lou Diamond-Phillips, actor, with apparently very little to do or a bad coke habit which needs to be fed. I mean WTF Lou? You’re better than this!!

And so the drama begins. Wanna-be socialite Heidi Pratt is seen on Monday wondering aloud, "Is that a REAL monkey?". Heidi apparently is not cut out for jungle life. So traumatized was Ms. Pratt in a moment of desperation she cried out "This is just almost borderline real torture. Like I would do to al-Qaida." Wow. Really?

The couple has repeatedly threatened to leave the show. Sadly for us they keep coming back - kind of like herpes outbreaks. After coming back on one occasion and finding the others had plundered their belongings in their absence, Spencer went ballistic. "Where does it end?! Where does it end?!" he railed. Heidi commented “I’m just praying to be nice to someone who was so horrible to me and vandalized my hair product.”

Spencer was also very interested in Patti‘s Husband‘s legal woes. He did comment however, "Just so you know, when I met him, I was like, this is who I would have voted for the president of the United States of America." Then Patti clasped hands with Spencer and Heidi, who led them in prayer: "I pray that the truth will be revealed. I pray that he will triumph ..." At this point I vomited in my mouth a little.

Then after Spencer was baptized in the river by Stephen Baldwin (oh, I know…) Spencer and Heidi told their costars on Tuesday's show that they were leaving for good. "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi," Spencer said. "I'm too rich and too famous," he told the other contestants.

Bitch please…

Last night however they were back, begging for forgiveness and wanting back in the jungle. According to Heidi, Satan made them make a bad decision, and now they’re back. It’s such a train wreck, but somehow I can’t look away…

Evil is Not Dead, It's Living in Hollywood

Leader of the Pack - HGTV

The premise for this animal cruelty show starts with a family looking for the perfect dog. So eight dogs are chosen to compete begin a series of challenges to test their skills and compatibility with the Reckseit family. Every week, a dog is voted off.

So let’s bring in 8 dogs from the pound that have already been rejected , let the children bond with them, and then send them packing. The dogs must prove themselves worthy through a series of “challenges”, including a fashion show, how well they learn tricks, and best of all a consultation with fucking pet psychic. Honestly I can think of a crueler premise for a reality show.

Who the hell came up with this? Michael Vick?

Hitched or Ditched - CW

This premise of this show just warms the heart. "Hitched or Ditched," essentially goads happy couples into breaking up. Each week, it finds a couple who have yet to tie the knot and offers to make them a dream wedding in a week. There's a catch, of course. At the ceremony, in front of friends and family and strangers with cameras, each will have to make a final declaration: I do or I don't.

All of us have probably struggled with the question of “shit or get off the pot”, but to encourage real brides and grooms to leave their partners at the altar is just evil. If the outcome is bad (and it appears this series isn't committed to happy endings), one party walks away crushed and exposed on national TV.

This is so wrong on so many levels. Someone over at CW apparently has some deep-rooted resentments to work through…

More to Love - Fox

This one has me concerned. Fox has announced More to Love, a new reality dating series that stars a plus-size bachelor as he attempts to woo several plus-size bachelorettes.

Per the show‘s producer Mike Fleiss, "This is a dating show that sends the right message about embracing and loving yourself no matter your shape or size, "When you are comfortable with your own body, you can really allow yourself to be open to the possibility of finding the right person to love."

I would love to believe that Mr. Fleiss is sincere. However he is a reality show producer on Fox - I mean come on. My fear is that this will turn into “let’s watch the fat people roll around in the sack - eeeeeew!” I guess time will tell. I will be watching these trailers closely - any hint of poking fun or sensationalizing obesity I’m so on the phone.

Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood

Oh joy! Oxygen is picking up a second season of this examination of excess and undeserved idolatry as we follow the couple as they balance their family life with the “pressures” of being super-rich and providing unrealistic expectations for teenage girls around the country. Awwwww - it must be so hard for them. Millions of mindless adoring fans, ridiculous salaries for doing absolutely nothing...

Poor Tori and Dean. Give me a fucking break.

I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Oughta’ Here! - NBC
I started to write about this show for this post, but quickly realized there is waaaay too much to make fun of. More to come on this one…

Here's a Conspiracy For You...

Some of you may have heard by now about the “snake invasion” going on down in Florida. Yes, Burmese pythons have apparently taken over the Everglades, and are currently finalizing plans for their imminent worldwide invasion.

First of all, let’s all take a look at the Burmese Python. They can grow up to twenty feet long, and weigh up to 200 pounds. They eat alligators – that’s right, alligators. This lovely photo is of a python that has just eaten a pregnant sheep. They have tracked snakes that have traveled over 43 miles. Some of these snakes have actually swam from the mainland to the Florida Keys. And to boot, they reproduce like rabbits. They found one python in the Everglades with 85 developing eggs. Current estimates put the population at about 30,000 in the Everglades alone.

Are you fucking kidding me?! 30,000, 20’ long, 200 pound snakes running amuck, and evidently out of room. And apparently, the entire bottom 1/3 of the United States is environmentally sound for python habitation. This is just like that killer bee scare, on a much, much, way fucking much bigger scale.

It’s the next news bit that I came across that has convinced me that the snakes in Florida are, in fact, a sign of The End Times. The snakes of the world are beginning to organize…

MELBOURNE, Australia – Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.



(God I love that clip...) When the flight landed, it was discovered that four snakes had escaped from the package, a Qantas spokeswoman said in a statement. A reptile expert searched for the snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed. When the snakes were not found, the airplane was fumigated and it returned to service on Wednesday.

My guess, they’re meeting up with their reptilian cohorts to begin planning their invasion of the land down under. I’m hoping their next target is France.

So all those purses and cowboy boots are finally catching up with us. And Texas, I’m looking at you. So watch your ass, Southfork. It’s payback time.

Eight Levels of Hell

Look up “media whore” in the dictionary, and there you will find a picture of Ms. Nadya Suleman. Yes, the infamous Octomom. I really tried to stay away from this one in order not to perpetuate the ridiculousness of Octomom-o-Mania, but the headline I saw today just pushed me over the edge.

Ms. Suleman is seeking to trademark her media nickname, "Octomom,". On Friday, Suleman, 33, filed two applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to officially - and exclusively - own the moniker. She wants to use the nickname on a line of disposable diapers, dresses, pants, shirts and textile diapers.

What I think she’s missing here is the connotation that her nickname has come to represent. “Octomom” = “Crazy-Ass Bitch”. I mean who would want “Crazy-Ass Bitch” embroidered on little Ashley’s onesies?

And if you think that’s a ridiculous, check out this shit - She also wants to use it for a TV variety show. And apparently she is close to signing a TV reality show deal. Whatever station picks this up will be not only blocked from my TV, but will also be subject to ongoing harassment through this blog (that’ll scare ‘em!). I got $50 bucks on CMT.

I have so many issues with this woman I don’t even know where to start. Inadequately caring for the children she has, even thinking it’s a good idea to have another baby with no job or a home of her own, getting in-vitro with an absurd amount of embryos, having eight babies in addition to the 6 she already can’t take care of, giving some internet rag free-run of her house and children, firing the voluntary health-care workers given to her, and now a clothing line and a reality TV series to exploit the entire clusterfuck.

I really, really wish she would just go away. If I see her on the Today show again I’m driving to NY and personally bitch-slap Matt Lauer.

Now That's Scary

Kim Kardashian wants to be a vampire. Apparently sucking the intelligence out of already neuron-deprivedminds via reality TV isn’t enough.

Kim is of course referring to the freakishly popular “Twilight” saga, the first installment of which debuted in November 2009. And don’t get me wrong – I LOVE Twilight. A total guilty pleasure, but please, please, please Ms. Meyer, let’s not go there.

In Kim’s classic, elegant style, she was quoted as saying “I would, like, die to be in 'Twilight,'" Kim told PopEater when asked about "the buzz" surrounding her involvement in the series. And then went on to say "Being around all those hot guys. I want to be a vampire! I would be one that was probably nice - no, I kind of want to be evil!" she continued. "I don't know what I'd want to be - just a vampire."
What a fucking dingbat.

A few other scary scenarios include people like Madonna , Vanessa Hudgens, the Jonas Brothers and Drew Barrymoore, who are also “dying” to be in the movies. The Jonas Brothers?!!!? Really?! This is a movie about vampires, werewolves, scary monsters, etc. I could possibly see the scrawny one with the red Liberace hair being a Volturi blood bitch.

When you think of it, the possibilities are endless. I mean think of how awesome it would be to see people like Gary Coleman, Dee Snider, Wayne Newton, or my personal favorite, Rush Limbaugh in a Twilight movie? I think Dick Cheney would be a perfect leader for the Volturi.

One can only dream I suppose.

Wow That's Some Ugly Bling

Seriously bro? This looks absolutely ridiculous. There’s really no other word for it – it just looks stupid. It’s a fucking box of kids cereal.

How can you wear this and not feel absolutely ridiculous? I have two words for this – developmentally challenged. I can guarantee you this guy took the short bus. And by the way, I have no idea who this is - I'm guessing not too many others do either.



Big H from the Dogg Pound. Excuse me Mr. H, or should I call you Big? Mr. H you have something stuck in your teeth. Oh I’m sorry, you wanted Liberace’s butt-plug in your mouth? Oh yes, it’s very nice. Yes definitely, very gangsta'...

What IS that shit in his mouth? Why is he snarling? Is he an angry man? Why is he disgusted with the crosses? Perhaps he's a vampire, repulsed by his own bling. That would explain the teeth and the sunglasses. That or he's just an asshole.


Nas and his damn impressive Tutankhamun bling. Again – the only word I have for this is ridiculous. It looks like something he picked up in a tourist shop at the Luxor. I wouldn’t wear that at Mardi Gras, no matter what I had drank smoked or otherwise.

So… does this mean he believes he’s a Pharaoh now? Will there be a Technicolor coat coming soon? Maybe if he buries in the sand it will actually be of use in 4,000 years. Most likely it will just tell future archaeologists that poor taste was a rampant plague in the 21st century.

Nigo. If there is a poster-boy for “Money Can’t Buy Taste”, this idiot wins hands down. Nigo is an insanely rich designer of "gangsta' clothing and shoes, producer, has his own hip-hop crew, "The Teriyaki Boyz" (I sooooo want one!), and is responsible for something called the "Millionaire Boys Club" and the BAPE brand - Bathing Ape.

With the amount of shit around his skinny neck, he actually appears to defy the laws of physics by standing upright. Look closely and you'll see a pink cougar, a green and yellow octopus, and an astronaut's head. It's as if he took characters from his latest acid trip and preserved them for posterity in diamonds, rubies and platinum. I wish I'd have thought of that back in the 80's...

Sean Kinston's Crayons. This, without a doubt, is my favorite. Back in December, Reggae star Sean Kingston debuted the most expensive piece of shit I have ever seen in my life. A $500,000 Crayon Crayola Box made out of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, etc. etc. It was so large it almost covered half of his more than generous torso.

But I have the most wonderful news - THE NECKLACE WAS STOLEN! Apparently MENSA member Mr. Kingston sent the “art” to a jeweler in NY, via Fed-Ex. Insured of course - for $500.00! That’s right, $500 bucks for a $500,000 necklace. God I love karma.

OK (pause). Why he would not only mail the something worth the GNP of Togo, using Fed-Ex? I barely trust Fed Ex with my Old Navy returns. And then to not even insure it, is beyond my spectrum of thinking.

How is he going to prove his success to family and friends now without the crayons??