suck it up

Apparently being a gynecologist from Chicago means that: a) You are a bitch, and b) you have to talk with a bizarre, snotty tone at all times. I can see that Nicole is the one who is really going to provide me with some great content. That whole business with her refusing to sleep outside – OMG! Then she started referring to herself as Dr. Diva. I thought it was priceless when she found out they were all leaving her on the beach for the night. At least that left her free to find prey in the cover of darkness before turning into a bat.

My husband and I are kind of leaning towards skinny, whiny Bobby as the Mole last night, but now I’m having second thoughts. I think that Mark is also a strong candidate. The man’s a history teacher – in the Carusoe challenge the things he was putting on the table were ridiculous. A Victrola, seriously? It wasn’t even put on the market until 1901.

And let’s face it, anyone who would voluntarily style his hair like that has got to be hiding something.

play nice, boys...

I had this show on my list of “What will probably suck, but I’m watching anyway”. Frankly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach this crap for the next three months. I was downright embarrassed for these idiots (yes, the bachelors). It was so uncomfortable! I felt like I was watching a school-yard pick gone horribly wrong, which brought back many traumatizing memories I might add.

After watching the second episode, I could not believe the de-evolution that was beginning to take shape with these otherwise, smart, successful, gorgeous guys. What a bunch of bitches! The pic on the left pretty much sums it up.

My favorite moment: Ryan, the 28 year old virgin who tells everyone who will listen about his superior morals and unshakable faith, called Jeremy a jackass (I think – it was beeped). He was the only one on the show that got openly hostile and started swearing. Jeremy of course seems to be in the lead for DeAnna’s affections. I really can’t stand when people go around bragging about their “relationship with God” and “saving themselves for marriage”, blah blah blah. It usually tells me they are insecure and are covering for something else. In this case, Ryan was covering the fact that he’s an asshole.

I must admit, the show provides good material. But all the cheesy speeches and liturgies from these love-struck morons is almost too much to bear. For my art, however, I’ll tough it out as long as I can. The three people who read this blog would expect nothing less.

Cook wins Idol, beats up jason castro

David Cook Wins!!! Yay!!! I was freaking out after Tuesday night’s show, but my boy pulled it out by a healthy margin. I watched the entire show, which I usually don’t do because the filler usually sucks. I’m glad I did though!

Here’s a quick recap - Seal sounded great, Bryan Adams is still really ugly, Donna Summer is still alive, I discovered I hate the Jonas Brothers, ZZ Top is still alive, George Michael is still really gay, Jordin Sparks needs to lay off the pork chops, Graham Nash is still alive, Carrie Underwood sounded great, and I’m dumping David Cook for Renaldo Lapuz. (that last part was a joke – I’d never dump David!)

My current home state of Utah is now harboring thousands of shattered girls all across the state. I’ve heard rumors that local Jr. High Schools are bringing in grief counselors (no, not really!). Some girl announced on TV she voted over 2,000 times! That’s a stalker in the making - Watch your ass, D.A.!

All in all, great season. David, you can stop calling me for advice now - you won!!! I'll see you next week in at the usual spot.

Summer Reality - what probably will suck

American Gladiators, Season 2 (premieres Monday, May 12 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
The revival of this campy competition series will be back for a second season as part of NBC's "All American Summer", that will include the network's coverage of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.

“All American Summer”? For God’s sake please don’t include me with the wife-beating, redneck, white-trash losers who watch this crap. And for NBC to try a segue between "American Gladiators” and the Olympics is a travesty. And check out this pic – It’s a reunion tour for the Village People – aaaaawwwwww.

Million Dollar Password (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
Regis Philbin will helm this new game show that CBS is billing as a combination between classics Password and Pyramid.

Would someone please put this man out of his misery? Rather, put the American public out of it’s misery? Here’s a great idea, let’s take to cheesy game shows long past their expiration date, and have most reviled geezer America has to offer to host? Somewhere, there’s a village missing an idiot that can now be found working as a producer in LA. I’ve included a picture from their marketing campaign.

Bridezillas, Season 5 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 9PM ET/PT on WEtv)
The fifth season of this reality series debuts just in time for all those summer weddings on your itinerary, and this time the tyrannical brides-to-be apparently have some competition from family members, including a "Momzilla" in the premiere episode. Hopefully the happy couple made sure mom contributed her portion of the bill before she flipped out.

It’s not that this show downright sucks, but if you’re not a bride-to-be it’s pretty boring. Besides, the brides aren’t nearly crazy enough to keep it moving. Show me Brittany Spears planning her wedding – that would make for some good TV.

The Next Food Network Star, Season 4 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 10PM ET/PT on Food Network)
Food Network turned up the heat in the kitchen for the fourth season of this reality series, as Iron Chef America star Bobby Flay will become a regular member of the judging panel. However the "steaks" are still the same, with the culinary contestants having to prove they have what it takes to star in his or her own series on the network.

I’m sorry, this just seems like one more pathetic network making a pathetic attempt to get in on the reality TV boon. The premise has been done to death, and I can’t imagine The Food Network churning out anything that would hold my attention for more than 7 seconds.

Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on MTV) This new Grease: You're the One that I Want-like reality series searches talent for Laura Bell Bundy's replacement as Broadway's Elle Woods. However unlike NBC's Grease,the show's director and choreographer will ultimately pick the competition's winner to assure viewers don't kill the musical at the box office before it even opens.

First of all, I can not believe there is a Broadway show based on the movie “Legally Blonde”. Didn’t Nostradamus mention this as a portent of doom before the world comes to a fiery end? What the fuck is going on here?!?! But to take it a step further and spin-off a reality TV show around it, well, I hope you have all made your peace with God before he smites all for this blasphemous idiocy. Maybe we’re already in hell, and this is the type of entertainment we’ll all be forced to watch.

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation (premieres Friday, June 6 at 9PM ET/PT on Animal Planet)
Talk about anthropomorphic. The fourth season of this reality series could double as a chapter in human civilization, as the Kalahari Desert is up for grabs among the meerkats following the death of matriarch Flower. With rival meerkat gangs, romances and the struggle to survive, it doesn't get much more real than that (unless you're on The Hills).

I get it, they’re cute, they’re furry, and they all just lost Grandma. Who cares!

Nashville Star, Season 6 (premieres Monday, June 9 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
Not only does the sixth season of this reality competition series have a new home on NBC -- it will also feature several new faces and format changes, including host Billy Ray Cyrus; judges and musical mentors Jewel, John Rich and Jeffrey Steele; duets and trios have the chance to perform; and a lower minimum age requirement of 16-years-old. Yee-haw!

I’m definitely biased here, having hated country music since I could form sentences. But really, has anyone seen Billy Ray Cyrus lately? It must take him forever with that flat-iron to get ready in the morning. And what is that shit on his lower lip? And riddle me this Batman, would anyone under the age of 25 even know who he was if is wasn’t for his daughter (aka Hannah Montana). And Jewel, I expected more from you.

Celebrity Circus (premieres Wednesday, June 11 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
Celebrities undertake circus stunts in this revival of the old “Circus of the Starts” It’s cast reads like a who's who of celebrity reality show participants, some of which will undoubtedly create must-see-TV when they're shot out of a human catapult or juggle knives. Hosted by Joey Fatone: Christopher ''Peter Brady'' Knight, former supermodel Rachel Hunter, soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr., singer Blu Cantrell, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, and Jason ''Wee Man'' Acuna.

I think this train-wreck speaks for itself. Do you think they’ll have Wee-Man do sword swallowing?

America's Got Talent, Season 3 (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
This glorified talent show is back for a third season. However potential contestants aren't the only ones who have been honing their skills, as judge Piers Morgan recently sharpened his tongue by winning The Celebrity Apprentice and single handedly banishing Omarosa from TV... hopefully for good.

Jerry Springer – need I say more? Even though Piers Morgan did open up a big can o’ whoop-ass on Omarosa (The Apprentice), I can’t listen to him speak without wanting to take a shower. David, you were in Baywatch, and by default a jackass. Sharon, what were you thinking? And let’s not forget the “talent” (and I use the term loosely) – stilts, puppets, karate, creepy clowns… I really hope there’s a smackdown between the losing contestants every week.

The Baby Borrowers (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
Five young couples are followed as they are put on the fast-track to adulthood. With their baby growing from an infant to elder over the course of three weeks, the couples will either learn that they're ready for parenthood or in need of more birth control.

The name makes it sound like contestants have to kidnap a baby, and the one collects the ransom without being caught by 5-0 wins.. What do they mean “infant to elder” in 3 weeks? Do the losers go through a sterilization process? Why didn’t the parents of this producer go through a sterilization process?

Dance Machine (premieres Friday, June 27 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
This new series will feature six different people from various walks of life who face each other in a series of one-on-one dance offs for the chance to win a $100,000 prize.

Another gem from ABC. Are they trying to hit a world record for the most dance shows on a single network, or just the worst?

Greatest American Dog (premieres Thursday, July 10 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
America's Next Top Model goes to the dogs in this new reality series, which will follow a group of pageant pooches and their respective owners as they compete against each other in a series of canine-themed challenges for $250,000.

This one had me confused – is it for really ugly beauty paegent wanna-be’s, or actual four-legged dogs? Apparently CBS has created a “best-dog” contest for man’s best-friend, as they have run out of ways to judge humans. This whole concept is a dog.

Jingles (premieres Sunday, July 27 at 9PM ET/PT on CBS)
Ever wonder where those annoyingly catchy commercial ditties come from? This new Mark Burnett-created game show has the answer, as it will follow a team of contestants who are given weekly advertisement-writing assignments before having to perform the campaign they concocted, which will be voted on by home viewers.

“Jingles: The New Breed” Ugghhh!! As if we don’t have enough little annoying jingles getting stuck in out heads, CBS is tapping the vast talent pool of white-trash America. I think this is one of those shows that just by watching, your IQ will drop at least 50 points and you will have thoughts of suicide. Just Say No.