play nice, boys...

I had this show on my list of “What will probably suck, but I’m watching anyway”. Frankly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach this crap for the next three months. I was downright embarrassed for these idiots (yes, the bachelors). It was so uncomfortable! I felt like I was watching a school-yard pick gone horribly wrong, which brought back many traumatizing memories I might add.

After watching the second episode, I could not believe the de-evolution that was beginning to take shape with these otherwise, smart, successful, gorgeous guys. What a bunch of bitches! The pic on the left pretty much sums it up.

My favorite moment: Ryan, the 28 year old virgin who tells everyone who will listen about his superior morals and unshakable faith, called Jeremy a jackass (I think – it was beeped). He was the only one on the show that got openly hostile and started swearing. Jeremy of course seems to be in the lead for DeAnna’s affections. I really can’t stand when people go around bragging about their “relationship with God” and “saving themselves for marriage”, blah blah blah. It usually tells me they are insecure and are covering for something else. In this case, Ryan was covering the fact that he’s an asshole.

I must admit, the show provides good material. But all the cheesy speeches and liturgies from these love-struck morons is almost too much to bear. For my art, however, I’ll tough it out as long as I can. The three people who read this blog would expect nothing less.

Cook wins Idol, beats up jason castro

David Cook Wins!!! Yay!!! I was freaking out after Tuesday night’s show, but my boy pulled it out by a healthy margin. I watched the entire show, which I usually don’t do because the filler usually sucks. I’m glad I did though!

Here’s a quick recap - Seal sounded great, Bryan Adams is still really ugly, Donna Summer is still alive, I discovered I hate the Jonas Brothers, ZZ Top is still alive, George Michael is still really gay, Jordin Sparks needs to lay off the pork chops, Graham Nash is still alive, Carrie Underwood sounded great, and I’m dumping David Cook for Renaldo Lapuz. (that last part was a joke – I’d never dump David!)

My current home state of Utah is now harboring thousands of shattered girls all across the state. I’ve heard rumors that local Jr. High Schools are bringing in grief counselors (no, not really!). Some girl announced on TV she voted over 2,000 times! That’s a stalker in the making - Watch your ass, D.A.!

All in all, great season. David, you can stop calling me for advice now - you won!!! I'll see you next week in at the usual spot.

D-day on american idol

Clive’s Choices

David C. was given "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. I’m not a huge U2 fan but have always loved this song. I loved the down-tempo beginning. Things seemed to take a weird turn when he took the platform behind the judges. I don’t know if he lost his focus or what, but he seemed a little off. It still rocked.

David A. was given "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John. Awesome song. I think he did a great job with it, although that lower range isn’t his strong suit. We thought there were few spots that were slightly off, but that’s a big song for a little boy. I thought he was going to wet his pants when Simon told him “it was the best performance blah blah blah…” Great job, but no David Cook.

Songwriting Competition – Contestant’s Choice

David C. sang "Dream Big" by Emily Shackelton. The song got bagged on from the judges and everyone else I’ve talked to, but I really didn’t think it was that bad. Regardless, he did a good job with it. I thought he looked and sounded like a pro on tour. I’ll tell you what though, I really wish they’d get rid of this stupid songwriting competition. It’s not fair that the contestants have to hang their careers on the aspirations of wanna-be songwriters.

David A. sang "In This Moment" by Ryan Gillmor. So, so predictable. The song was as cheesy as is he is. But like everything else, he sang it beautifully. I just wish he’d loose the cheese factor and step it up.

Contestant’s Choice:

David C. sang "The World I Know" by Collective Soul – another awesome song. The judges gave him a bunch of shit about “poor song choice” – whatever. It so rocked. There were several parts of the performance that were amazing. That last note took mad skills. And then Simon tells him he should’ve sung “Hello” or “Billie Jean” again. To which he responded, “why would I do something I’ve already done?”. This was a bit of a dig to Archuleta, who repeated his performance of “Imagine” for his third song.

David A. sang "Imagine" by John Lennon – again. What a cop out!! Yes he sang it beautifully, no question. Here’s my issue – he picked a song that he knew everyone would love, because he already sang it! I think it’s a bit like cheating really. Not to mention that fact that perhaps we wanted to hear something new out of him. Now that was a bad song choice.


To sum it up (here comes the cheese)

This is why David Cook should win – David C. feels music at a level that David A. isn’t even close to understanding. After his performance, he there stood shaking and in tears – I felt like he had completely exposed his soul in that performance, or did the best he could. I can’t imagine what that feels like in front of tens of millions of people – but he did it willingly. I’ve heard many people say that D.A. has more talent technically, but after “The Music of the Night” I know that’s not true either. He has an amazing talent, and the courage to inject a part of himself into everything he sings. That’s what sets him apart from everyone else, and why he’s going to win.

David A. without a doubt is one of the most talented artists we’ve seen yet, especially for his age. He has put up some amazing performances. Here’s my issue with David A. - he doesn’t seem to understand or “feel” his own talent, and therefore can’t put part of himself into it. This is probably because he’s just not mature enough. He has absolutely no style of his own, other than singing how he was taught – technically perfect. But you know, never once have I seen him in tears over a great performance. The only thing that seems to put David A. in tears is praise from the judges, and not the gift God has given him.

Reality TV Summer 2008 Preview

The Summer of ’08 will prove to be the most reality shows crammed into a 3 month period. Seriously, there are mad amounts of new shows. As such, I felt it my dity to break them down for you so you know where to start: “What probably won’t suck”, “What probably will suck”, and “What probably will suck but I’m watching anyway”.

FYI – anything that sounds official or is crappy copy, was plagiarized from RealityTVWorld.com

So get some coffee, get comfortable and peruse the glory that is reality TV. If you can’t find something to watch here, you’re obviously retarded (or have good taste).

What probably will suck, but I’m watching anyway

The Bachelorette, Season 4 (premieres Monday, May 19 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
DeAnna Pappas got rejected by The Bachelor eleventh-season star Brad Womack... TWICE! Now ABC is giving the Southern belle her own opportunity to find love with the return of this The Bachelor spin-off.

I have never watched any of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” shows, but I thought I would give it a try. I think the premise is a bit cheesy, but there’s something about a bunch of morons, albeit extremely hot morons, throwing themselves at the feet of a woman. To be honest, I’m really looking forward to lots of beefcake as well.

So You Think You Can Dance, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 8PM ET/PT on Fox)
Mary Murphy screaming, Nigel Lythgoe getting face time and Cat Deeley doing her best Ryan Seacrest impression aren't the only things the fourth season of this reality series has to offer, as viewers will once again have the opportunity to crown the best dancer America has to offer.

Up until now, I have refused to watch these dancing shows, but I’ve been watching “Step it up and Dance” on Bravo, and I really like it. So I’ll give this a shot – hopefully I won’t lose any brain cells due to absolute stupidity on this, because I really don’t have many to spare. This chick certainly has some moves... I think she's doing what they call "The Drunk Elaine".

She's Got the Look (premieres Wednesday, June 4 at 10PM ET/PT on TV Land)
Modeling-themed reality competition shows can't be accused of being ageist anymore, as this new series will follow 10 woman 35 or older as they strut their stuff on the runway.

My only reason for watching this will be to give props to my sisters over the age of 35. I am so fucking tired of 30 pound 18 year old models strutting their bony asses all over the place.

Wipeout (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants will make their way through obstacle courses designed to produce what the network described as "the most crashes, face plants, impacts and wipeouts ever seen on television."

This would be nothing but my morbid sense of curiosity speaking. I loved the movie “Jackass”, and there’s something about seeing a bunch of idiots doing asinine stunts to win a prize. I’m really looking forward to the faceplants.

Shear Genius, Season 2 (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 10PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Contestants will need to creating fashionable coifs in weekly challenges. The biggest challenge will be dealing with the clients that some of the stylists have to deal with on a regular basis.

I watched this last year and found it mildly entertaining. The reason I’m watching it again is strictly for the really bad hair that this show turns out.

Big Brother 10 (premieres Sunday, July 13 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
This long-running reality series will be back for its traditional summer run. Since its ninth season was pretty lackluster, here's hoping the warmer temperatures can also add some heat to the competition.

I tried watching this years ago and was very underwhelmed - I only made it through 2 episodes. As my summer looks to be somewhat of a washout, I’m going to have some extra time on my hands. Let’s see how long I make it this year.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants are shipped halfway around the world for this new reality series, which will follow 10 Americans who are whisked away to Japan to compete in the "ultimate Japanese game show." Banzai!

ABC is apparently so desperate for a new premise they are putting contestants on the slow boat to China. This does sound mildly amusing, simply because Japanese game shows do some of the craziest shit ever. Again, I’m really looking forward to the faceplants

Summer Reality - what probably will suck

American Gladiators, Season 2 (premieres Monday, May 12 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
The revival of this campy competition series will be back for a second season as part of NBC's "All American Summer", that will include the network's coverage of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.

“All American Summer”? For God’s sake please don’t include me with the wife-beating, redneck, white-trash losers who watch this crap. And for NBC to try a segue between "American Gladiators” and the Olympics is a travesty. And check out this pic – It’s a reunion tour for the Village People – aaaaawwwwww.

Million Dollar Password (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
Regis Philbin will helm this new game show that CBS is billing as a combination between classics Password and Pyramid.

Would someone please put this man out of his misery? Rather, put the American public out of it’s misery? Here’s a great idea, let’s take to cheesy game shows long past their expiration date, and have most reviled geezer America has to offer to host? Somewhere, there’s a village missing an idiot that can now be found working as a producer in LA. I’ve included a picture from their marketing campaign.

Bridezillas, Season 5 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 9PM ET/PT on WEtv)
The fifth season of this reality series debuts just in time for all those summer weddings on your itinerary, and this time the tyrannical brides-to-be apparently have some competition from family members, including a "Momzilla" in the premiere episode. Hopefully the happy couple made sure mom contributed her portion of the bill before she flipped out.

It’s not that this show downright sucks, but if you’re not a bride-to-be it’s pretty boring. Besides, the brides aren’t nearly crazy enough to keep it moving. Show me Brittany Spears planning her wedding – that would make for some good TV.

The Next Food Network Star, Season 4 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 10PM ET/PT on Food Network)
Food Network turned up the heat in the kitchen for the fourth season of this reality series, as Iron Chef America star Bobby Flay will become a regular member of the judging panel. However the "steaks" are still the same, with the culinary contestants having to prove they have what it takes to star in his or her own series on the network.

I’m sorry, this just seems like one more pathetic network making a pathetic attempt to get in on the reality TV boon. The premise has been done to death, and I can’t imagine The Food Network churning out anything that would hold my attention for more than 7 seconds.

Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on MTV) This new Grease: You're the One that I Want-like reality series searches talent for Laura Bell Bundy's replacement as Broadway's Elle Woods. However unlike NBC's Grease,the show's director and choreographer will ultimately pick the competition's winner to assure viewers don't kill the musical at the box office before it even opens.

First of all, I can not believe there is a Broadway show based on the movie “Legally Blonde”. Didn’t Nostradamus mention this as a portent of doom before the world comes to a fiery end? What the fuck is going on here?!?! But to take it a step further and spin-off a reality TV show around it, well, I hope you have all made your peace with God before he smites all for this blasphemous idiocy. Maybe we’re already in hell, and this is the type of entertainment we’ll all be forced to watch.

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation (premieres Friday, June 6 at 9PM ET/PT on Animal Planet)
Talk about anthropomorphic. The fourth season of this reality series could double as a chapter in human civilization, as the Kalahari Desert is up for grabs among the meerkats following the death of matriarch Flower. With rival meerkat gangs, romances and the struggle to survive, it doesn't get much more real than that (unless you're on The Hills).

I get it, they’re cute, they’re furry, and they all just lost Grandma. Who cares!

Nashville Star, Season 6 (premieres Monday, June 9 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
Not only does the sixth season of this reality competition series have a new home on NBC -- it will also feature several new faces and format changes, including host Billy Ray Cyrus; judges and musical mentors Jewel, John Rich and Jeffrey Steele; duets and trios have the chance to perform; and a lower minimum age requirement of 16-years-old. Yee-haw!

I’m definitely biased here, having hated country music since I could form sentences. But really, has anyone seen Billy Ray Cyrus lately? It must take him forever with that flat-iron to get ready in the morning. And what is that shit on his lower lip? And riddle me this Batman, would anyone under the age of 25 even know who he was if is wasn’t for his daughter (aka Hannah Montana). And Jewel, I expected more from you.

Celebrity Circus (premieres Wednesday, June 11 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
Celebrities undertake circus stunts in this revival of the old “Circus of the Starts” It’s cast reads like a who's who of celebrity reality show participants, some of which will undoubtedly create must-see-TV when they're shot out of a human catapult or juggle knives. Hosted by Joey Fatone: Christopher ''Peter Brady'' Knight, former supermodel Rachel Hunter, soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr., singer Blu Cantrell, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, and Jason ''Wee Man'' Acuna.

I think this train-wreck speaks for itself. Do you think they’ll have Wee-Man do sword swallowing?

America's Got Talent, Season 3 (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
This glorified talent show is back for a third season. However potential contestants aren't the only ones who have been honing their skills, as judge Piers Morgan recently sharpened his tongue by winning The Celebrity Apprentice and single handedly banishing Omarosa from TV... hopefully for good.

Jerry Springer – need I say more? Even though Piers Morgan did open up a big can o’ whoop-ass on Omarosa (The Apprentice), I can’t listen to him speak without wanting to take a shower. David, you were in Baywatch, and by default a jackass. Sharon, what were you thinking? And let’s not forget the “talent” (and I use the term loosely) – stilts, puppets, karate, creepy clowns… I really hope there’s a smackdown between the losing contestants every week.

The Baby Borrowers (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
Five young couples are followed as they are put on the fast-track to adulthood. With their baby growing from an infant to elder over the course of three weeks, the couples will either learn that they're ready for parenthood or in need of more birth control.

The name makes it sound like contestants have to kidnap a baby, and the one collects the ransom without being caught by 5-0 wins.. What do they mean “infant to elder” in 3 weeks? Do the losers go through a sterilization process? Why didn’t the parents of this producer go through a sterilization process?

Dance Machine (premieres Friday, June 27 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
This new series will feature six different people from various walks of life who face each other in a series of one-on-one dance offs for the chance to win a $100,000 prize.

Another gem from ABC. Are they trying to hit a world record for the most dance shows on a single network, or just the worst?

Greatest American Dog (premieres Thursday, July 10 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
America's Next Top Model goes to the dogs in this new reality series, which will follow a group of pageant pooches and their respective owners as they compete against each other in a series of canine-themed challenges for $250,000.

This one had me confused – is it for really ugly beauty paegent wanna-be’s, or actual four-legged dogs? Apparently CBS has created a “best-dog” contest for man’s best-friend, as they have run out of ways to judge humans. This whole concept is a dog.

Jingles (premieres Sunday, July 27 at 9PM ET/PT on CBS)
Ever wonder where those annoyingly catchy commercial ditties come from? This new Mark Burnett-created game show has the answer, as it will follow a team of contestants who are given weekly advertisement-writing assignments before having to perform the campaign they concocted, which will be voted on by home viewers.

“Jingles: The New Breed” Ugghhh!! As if we don’t have enough little annoying jingles getting stuck in out heads, CBS is tapping the vast talent pool of white-trash America. I think this is one of those shows that just by watching, your IQ will drop at least 50 points and you will have thoughts of suicide. Just Say No.

Summer reality - what probably won't suck

Last Comic Standing, Season 6 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
With more than a dozen current and former network sitcom stars serving as talent scouts, it's home viewers who will once again get the chance to crown the king/queen of funny. Aspiting comedians face comedic challenges every week, and then face off with stand-up routines to see who goes home.

Love this show. I was just turned onto it last year by a friend and loved it. It’s funny and clever, and I’m so rooting for the girls this year.

The Mole, Season 5 (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this show's first non-celebrity edition in six years, a group of 12 contestants will compete in new missions at new locations while trying to determine who among them is attempting to sabotage their chances at winning the grand prize.

I’m a little dubious about this one, but who knows. I can’t stand celebrity reality shows, so I’m going to take a second look at this one. I wonder what the Mole will look like, because traditionally, moles are very, very ugly.

HGTV Design Star, Season 3 (premieres Sunday, June 8 at 9PM ET/PT on HGTV)
10 designers competing in the third season of this reality series will attempt to show-off their creativity, ingenuity and skills in the hopes of landing the grand prize of his or her own HGTV television show.

I watched this last season, and was a bit underwhelmed. But I love interior design. Besides, any reality TV show with the word “design” in it always has extremely, well, “colorful” characters.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, June 12 at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
The fourth season of this reality series will continue to follow the comedian as she lives life on the D-List. In addition to offending everyone, Griffin will also officiate a wedding and woo Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whom she recently split from after a brief romantic relationship.

She dated Steve Wozniak?!?! Yikes. Watching that train wreck play out is enough for me.

Wanna Bet (premieres Monday, July 21 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this new reality show Celebrities will wager on the success or failure of some of the wildest stunts, tricks and mental challenges dreamed up and performed by average Americans, with everything they win going to charity.

This sounds awesome. I’m picturing Ozzy Ozbourne and Gene Simmons betting on how many skin grafts will be needed to reattach the face of some dipshit who decides to try fire-eating. This sounds very promising.

Project Runway (premieres Monday, July ?? at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Emmy-nominated competition reality series Project Runway features host supermodel Heidi Klum and a panel of industry luminaries, including judges Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, Elle magazine fashion director, as they decide who is “in” and who is “out.” Tim Gunn, Chief Creative Officer at Liz Claiborne, Inc. once again acts as a mentor to the 15 contestants as they navigate weekly fashion challenges. Designers will be whittled down to the finalists who will show their own line at New York Fashion Week.

I have searched and searched for a premiere date, but couldn’t find anything, other than that it’s in July. This will be it’s last run on Bravo, as it’s moving to the Lifetime Network (gag) this fall. Sorry Gay community, you will now be forced to sit through countless tampon commercials and cheesy movie trailers. Whatever – I love this show and can’t wait for the premiere!!!