How to Create a Cretan

Women’s rights and equality have come so far in the last century. This "Girls Only" branded toy has managed to undo all that work in one fell sweep – get it, sweep?

Nothing like inspiring your daughter to reach for the stars – start ‘em young I say. Susan B. Anthony would be so proud.





Another one for the ladies. The recipient (your daughter) wears a special halter top with flowers instead of nipples, that cause the baby to make sucking sounds and move its mouth.

The tagline for the toy reads, "Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby." I think you should.



Dr. Drill n' Fill: The revolutionary new toy that promotes children's healthy and active lifestyle by teaching them to associate fun with gouging out cavities. Your child will feel a great sense of accomplishment when he has mastered the dental arts. You’ll recognize that day by the yelp of a dog followed by screaming.


That’s right girls! Break out those thongs and pasties – it’s the Pole Dance doll! Complete with disco globe, this icon of female exploitation flashes, moves up and down, and even spins around the pole. Once again toy manufacturers are encouraging our daughters to reach for the stars! At least a disco ball, anyway.

Please don't give your child this toy. Please.

These toys certainly deserve an honorable mention based on the creepiness factor alone.

My grandson actually got this for Christmas – the movements of the mouth are priceless. Honestly we couldn’t stop laughing. The tragic part of this anecdote is that it was his favorite toy. I worry about that boy.



This is hands down the creepiest toy ever. It sounds like a dozen psychotic banshees on acid during some twisted blood ritual.



This thing sounds like a serial killer. A serial killer who taunts its prey with tickling. Just listen to it – you won’t this thing anywhere near your kid. Anywhere near your house for that matter.

Paid to get Laid

So apparently on Limbaugh’s planet, any woman who takes birth control is a slut. Wanting the government to mandate insurance companies to pay for contraceptives equates to wanting the government to pay us to have sex. Therefore, we are prostitutes, getting paid to get laid.

I mean that makes total sense if you’ve just popped 15 oxy’s and watched a Brady Bunch marathon. And of course are a teabagger.


As absolutely outrageous as that is, it gets better. Oh yes, much better:

“So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here’s the deal,” Limbaugh said on his radio show Thursday. “If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”

Really?! “…we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.” That’s the deal? And exactly what parties agreed to said “deal”? This sounds much like something Huggy Bear (look it up, young 'uns), might say to his, um, employees. So is Rush Limbaugh now America’s top pimp?

And note how he repeatedly uses the words “we want”. What the hell is this “we” shit? So my brothers, was there a covert male-only town hall where you all agreed to stand by “The Deal”? Really guys?

What’s really creepy, absolutely abhorrent and nauseating, is the thought of Rush Limbaugh watching porn. And I, being part of the female demographic that takes or has taken birth control, well I think where you see where I’m going with this. It’s so unspeakable – I can’t even put down the words. All I can say is – ew.

The whole question of whether or not insurance companies should pay for contraceptives is an absurdity. If they will pay for Viagra (a complete oxymoron) and vasectomies, why the hell shouldn’t we get the same protection? Why is it insurance companies will pay for men to enhance their ability to impregnate women, but won’t let women protect ourselves from getting pregnant?

So thank you Mr. Limbaugh, for being the self-appointed face of the Republican party. Keep up the good work, jackass.

Monitoring the Apocolypse

Since my last report, “Snakes Enter Next Phase of Invasion”, there have been several disturbing new developments on the upcoming Ophidian Armageddon. It appears the Machinations of Hell have released their most dastardly weapon yet – the Nile Monitor Lizard.

Shown here mocking a hapless photographer, monitor lizards are known to grow up to 8 feet in length, have spectacular strength, razor-like teeth, and claws made for evisceration on an epic scale.

With the escape and extremely suspect “capture” of an Egyptian Cobra from the Bronx Zoo last year, it would seem the bringers of the End Times are amassing some devastating weaponry. This covert contrivance to stamp out the human race is now beginning to receive national media attention. In 2011, the experts at “Current Zoology” Magazine published this whitepaper on aggressive foreign species in Florida AND Hawaii.

According to the magazine (written by doctors and shit!), it’s not only the big guns that are making an appearance. In addition to the Burmese Python, Rock Pythons and now Monitor Lizards, “several species of exotic iguanine lizards are established in south Florida” such as the green iguana, the black spiny-tailed iguana, and the northern curly-tailed lizard. Newest to scene is the giant black and white Tegus of S. America – a charming 4’ long lizard capable of chomping off human appendages in a single bite. It would seem The Horde is enlisting the entire reptilian nation, developing a “front line” if you will.

These fuckers are not messing around...

There are many theories on the uptick in firepower among Lucifer’s Legion, however the most likely the culprit is the alarming number of public GOP debates. As prohephesied in The Old Testament, “when the transgressors have reached their fullness” (Daniel 8:12), the proverbial shit will hit the fan. Now I ask you, who is more corrupt, more depraved, more malevolent then members of the GOP? With the amount of inane bullshit being piped into the airwaves, it’s no wonder His minions are stepping up the attack.

They just can’t take it anymore.

A Year in the Life

While 2011 had its share of heart-wrending events, I wanted to remind us all of some of the ridiculousness, both awesome and awful, that helped define the past year. So in no particular order, here my favorites.

Taco Bell sued for its meat not really being meat.

I couldn’t decide if this was awesome or awful. I do think it’s hilarious that people were shocked that Taco Bell meat is not what you’d call “organic”. It’s Taco Bell – we don’t go there to get a healthy nutritious meal. We go there for its yummy, greasy, & fattening burritos, tacos general yumminess. On the awful side, Taco Bell refers to the non-meat part as “taco meat filling”, which is enough to make you cringe. My take? Ignorance is bliss.

Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes

This was awesome. Thank God for the employee at the HFPA for suggesting Ricky Gervais as host for the 2011 Golden Globes. Gervais was the first to ignore the PC bullshit & not worry about fragile celebrity egos. Some of my favorites that night:

On Cher concerts: “‘Do you want to go and see Cher?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it’s not 1975.’”
Introducing Downey: “Many of you in his room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County jail.”
His encouragement to Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner’s now-ex-fiancée: “Just don’t look at it when you touch it.”

After it was over, it was criticized for being mean, abusive, and even mildly sinister. Bitches please – there was not one comment up there that wasn’t true, and hilariously put. These are comments that I would absolutely throw around – they’re hilarious! Probably not in front of millions, but that’s the beauty of Gervais – he has the balls to do it. Tip ‘o the hat my friend.

Charlie Sheen loses his mind

It started in October of 2010 with the hotel stripper debacle, but who could know that this was just the first stop on Charlie Sheen's personal Crazy Train. Charlie’s Magical Mystery Tour truly reached its apex in the spring of 2011, when it became obvious he had officially gone batshit crazy. Some of my favorite Sheenisms from 2011:

On himself: "I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
More on himself: "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?"
On Rehab: "AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
On politics: “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
On Winning: Though we never got the details around the kerfuffle, he was definitely winning.

Anthony Weiner Tweets his Junk

Awesome, with a dose of awful. May 27, a young woman gets a picture of a man’s junk, raw and unedited. As did thousands of other avid Twitter afficinados. Almost immediately, a spokesman releases this statement: “Anthony’s accounts were obviously hacked”. Sure it was. May 30, Weiner goes on CNN stating "I was hacked. It happens to people, you move on." Of course you were Anthony. My Twitter account frequently sends out random pictures of male genetalia. May 31, we get the quote that he cannot "say with certitude" that it [the picture] is not of him. Finally on June 6, Mr. Weiner admits that yes, it was in fact his wiener. No shit. On the awful side? Ew.

The Rapture

Minister Harold Camping had us holding our collective breaths on May 21 (a few fanatics anyway), based on his prediction that the world would end that Saturday. You’d think he would’ve learned his lesson from his two prior apocolyptic predictions in 1988 and 1994, but this time he was for sure. On May 23, in an awkward press conference, he stated that 5/21 was actually a “Spiritual Rapture”, and the real one would happen on October 21. This time he was for sure for sure. Surprisingly enough, Trick-or-Treaters still flocked to the streets on Halloween in typical gleeful fashion, Rapture be damned.

The jokes surounding this huge non-event were priceless. Facebook and Twitter lit up like Christmas trees. Some great Tweets: “After Saturday, let’s pretend everyone who believed in the Rapture doesn’t exist” or “Rapture on Saturday. Most awkward church service ever on Sunday” and “Wow, Heaven looks so familiar!”. Maybe he’ll jump on the 2012 bandwagon.

Glenn Beck leaves Fox

I cried for a week. No more rants, no more chalkboard, no more crying about how mean New-Yorkers are, etc. etc.. So yes, I cried tears of joy for an entire week. Shortly after leaving Fox, in a desperate attempt to endear himself to the masses, he announced he would be producing a new children’s program, “Liberty Treehouse”. Apparently now that all the adults have realized that he is a douchebag and a lunatic, he’s taking his inane rhetoric to a younger, more niaeve audience. Much like another popular German youth group in the ‘40’s. Time to check the parental controls…

Donald Trump

From his abandoned bid to run for president, to declaring his own a GOP debate, this may be the most ridiculous figure in pop culture to date. In his first act as a potential presidential candidate, he made a complete ass of himself with his rabid pursuit of his crackpot “birther” conspiracy – actually sending investigators to Hawaii to “out” Obama as a fake American. After the mockery of that crusade had ended, he became disillusioned with the GOP candidate selection. He then announced that being the patriot he is, he would dutifully, with heavy heart, step up and take the role himself. Such a martyr that one.

He’s been in and out of the Republican party several times this year, threatening to run as an independent if the GOP didn’t give him the nomination. He actually had the audacity to put together a GOP debate where he would moderate. No conflict there. Without a doubt the Jackass of the Year award goes to Donald “The Douchebag” Trump. The sad yet hilarious thing is, he has no idea what a joke he’s become.

Best New Invention

Someone invented inhalable caffiene. We can all stop freebasing.

Excuse Me, President Perry

Every day we hear some new crazy quote. Some ridiculous ideology. Some new incredulous sound byte coming from Rick Perry. We all get on Twitter, our blogs, Facebook, etc. and make our quips, rant and rave and share our opinions that collectively come down to this: Rick Perry is a nightmare waiting to happen.

It occurred to me recently that I’ve never really thought about what life would be like under Rick Perry. If, by some unthinkable happenstance, he got everything he wanted, it’s nothing short of terrifying.

To get an overview of where Mr. Perry falls on the evil-meter, here’s a list of Federal laws and programs he has called “unconstitutional” (in alpha-numeric order):

- The 17th Amendment
- Child Labor Laws
- Civil Rights Protections
- Environmental Protection Agency
- Medicaid
- Medicare
- Minimum Wage
- Public Schools
- Social Security
- Student Loans

So what are the implications, and is there be an ulterior motive behind his ideologies? Yes, and yes.

Prayer would not only be allowed, but possibly required in public schools. Would Muslim and Jewish children be forced to swear devotion to Jesus Christ? Parents would be pulling their children out of school faster than you can say “big oil”. Evolution would be presented as some crackpot theory. Then there’s that pesky little business about separation of church and state. Of course he can always fall back on his guiding principal, “it’s unconstitutional”.

If he really had his way, public schools would be a thing of the past, being unconstitutional and all.

As for higher education (assuming you somehow get your child through primary school), he has declared student aid staples such as Pell Grants and student loans, you guessed it, “unconstitutional”. He defends his position with “the government doesn’t have a role in your children’s education”. I think what he means here is the government shouldn’t have to pay for it.

So the next generation, widely uneducated, will be prime candidates for low-income jobs, crime, and poverty, further widening the class gap at a geometric rate. Which, of course, works out beautifully for his wealthy constituents. And we all know about his “no-tolerance” policy on crime. Off with their heads!

Perry has also made no bones about his avid opposition to assisting his fellow countrymen in need. In 2010, he even toyed with the idea of pulling Texas out of the Medicaid program. He gave up on the idea when the state comptroller informed him that it would bankrupt the state. That said, what effect would slashing Medicaid do to an entire nation? And yes, that photo was taken in Texas.

He has also stated that “laws protecting civil rights are unconstitutional”, except for those barring racial discrimination. So are we going to start deciding whose civil rights deserve protection and whose don’t? That seems a bit, well, unconstitutional.

Then there are his religious views, which make a strong showing in many of his policies. Personally, I think it’s nothing but a way provide logic to his insane ideologies - it‘s all “God‘s will“, not because he‘s out of his mind. If we just pray harder, our economic and social problems will get better. Along with his ridiculous policies of course. Regarding the massive oil spill in the Gulf Coast, he commented “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” – C’est la vie…

For me, the scariest of all is Perry’s stance on environmental protection, or lack thereof. Perry calls climate science “a secular carbon cult”, that invents data to prove global warming exists. Pretending global warming doesn’t exist dovetails nicely with the booming TX oil empire in his home state.

In June, Perry signed a largely symbolic bill that allows Texas companies to continue producing incandescent light bulbs banned by the EPA, as long as they are sold within the state. Additionally, Texas is the only state that has refused to put in place the EPA's new rules regulating carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases.

I mean if it was wrong, God would let someone know.

What’s Happened to Reason in America?

Riddle me this, Batman - When did America lose its ability to identify delusional, sociopathic, and outright bigoted politicians?

Over the years we’ve certainly had some colorful characters make a run for the White House. Take for example Jesse Jackson. This was the man that took up the helm after the murder of Dr. Martin Luther King, and made huge strides towards improving race relations. But, in January 1984, he made the infamous “Hymietown” reference, regarding Jews in New York City. This one off-the-cuff remark instantly took him out of the running. For good.

Then we had Gary Hart, leading Democratic candidate in the 1988 election. He announced the beginning of his presidential campaign on Monday, April 13. By that Friday, he was out – completely, over an affair.

Howard Dean, a promising ‘04 candidate, was immediately booted out of the limelight because of his over-the-top speech made in IA. Nothing off-color was said, but he sounded well, a bit maniacal. He instantly became the butt of every late-night joke in the country. He dropped out from the race a month later, having lost all credibility.

David Duke was run out on a rail in ‘88 when it was discovered he had been a Grand Wizard of the KKK – and rightfully so. Racial intolerance is anathema to the American voter – right?

So certainly, America has shown it’s intolerance of immoral, off-color, even over-enthusiastic candidates. So what the hell is going on? How did people like this become a viable option? Let’s take a look at the biggest basketweavers on the market:

Allen West. Of course the most recent blunder was the Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “act-like-a-lady” email. But if you dig a little deeper you’ll find a host of disturbing ideology. West was kicked out the army for unnecessary violence. He compares himself to an escaped slave. He has referred to women as “oral relief stations”, and has made public racial slurs against his Muslim colleagues. Most recently, he had “Citizen’s for National Security”, an anti-Muslim organization, speak on Capitol Hill about Muslim propaganda hidden in children’s textbooks, among other delusions.

Rick Perry of Texas has actually alluded to seceding from the union if Obama doesn’t quit his meddling. He seeks national security council from Andrew McCarthy, a man who claims that the “Modern Hard Left” and Muslim extremists are working together to destroy Western civilization.

And then of course, there is Michele Bachmann. Her main shortcomings? Ignorance and insantiy. On the ignorance side, she was unable to identify where the civil war started – twice. She claims the authors of our founding documents were fighting against slavery (hell, many of them OWNED slaves). And then getting NH confused with MA while speaking to New Hampshire conservatives. Apparently they don’t have top-notch education on her planet.

On the insanity side, the most hyped issue is her severe homophobia – the cornerstone of her agenda. Of course we’ve all heard about her husband’s re-education therapy for gays. It’s funny how the phrases “Re-education Center” and “Internment Camp” are almost interchangeable. She asserted that she was “attacked” in a bathroom by two angry lesbians, one of which was a 5’ tall ex-nun wanting to talk about theology. She fasts, she hears God telling her to do things, she hides in bushes to spy on people… It goes on and on and on.

So here’s my issue. We have had more than a few presidential candidates kicked to the curb due to anything from slurs to adultery to outright racism. 8 years ago anyone of these idiots would have been laughed off the podium, followed by weeks of late-night comedy. Those of us old enough remember Gary Hart like it was yesterday, and who could ever not take the time to make fun of Jackson’s “Hymietown” remark?

Yet here we are in 2011, with a GOP candidate list that could’ve been taken straight from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. Am I the only one to see this? Bachmann, the craziest of the crazies is actually leading in polls. She is the butt of thousands of jokes. But how the hell has she managed to raise $4.2 million? Obviously she appeals to more than a few Americans.

We’ve always had crazy candidates trying to make their crazy marks on American history – that doesn’t surprise me. What I find alarming is that America seems to be the one gone bat-shit crazy. Americans are the ones buying this shit. When did bat-shit crazy public figures stop being late-night fodder, and become viable presidential candidates? Is this what our post-9/11 country looks like? If that’s the case, the terrorists really did win – we’re destroying ourselves. They were just the catalyst.

Best Tweets of the Week

I love Twitter - so much stupidity, so little time. Every once in a while though, you get some gems.

Dogs riding ponies, rhinos & unicorns? It must be a Senate hearing on Big Oil. - Huffington Post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/big-oil-tax-breaks-debate_n_861511.html

God bless those zany Texans.

Osama bin Laden to al-Qaeda: 'Don't bother assassinating Joe Biden' – Telegraph Blogs http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tobyharnden/100087782/osama-bin-laden-to-al-qaeda-dont-bother-assassinating-joe-biden/

Poor Joe – always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

EPA: Chicago River Must Be Clean Enough For Swimming
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/chicago-river-must-be-cle_n_861559.html

Now that’s funny.

Rewriting History - Huckabee Style

You have to check out this "cartoon" that Mike Huckabee has produced to ahem, educate, today's youth. Mr. Huckabee (shown here with his favorite handpuppet) has launched a new initiative designed to give our misguided youth a more positive outlook on the motherland, called "Learn Our History". Per Huckabee, "America's youth aren't excited about our past because they're being taught history in a way that minimizes what has made America a beacon of hope around the world for over 200 years. Instead, history lessons today often focus on America's faults,". Faults? What faults?

With excerpts like "Show those Germans and Japanese the power of America." and "You can see that every American pulled together to win this war. Even the gals were in on it. You go, girl.", it almost reads like a "Handbook for the Mondern Militia Man".

My personal favorite is the Regan piece. Apparently he was sent to us by God - I had no idea! Apparently Reganomics was nothing less than a gift from The Almighty himself.

This is just so awful - a must see.

Support for the Under-Appreciated Homophobe

As we all know, bullying has been getting a lot of media attention as of late. Horrible stories of children being beaten, verbally abused and openly humiliated by their peers are making headline news. And it’s about friggin’ time in my opinion. Adults around the country are horrified by these stories and condemn them openly – you’d be a monster not to, right?. Apparently however, The Christian right has identified a group of kids and young adults who have it coming.

Today, students across the country will take a vow of silence to protest anti-gay bullying and harassment in schools. The Day of Silence, an annual event organized by GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network), is meant to draw attention to the "silencing effects" of anti-gay harassment and name-calling in schools and to be a way for students to show their solidarity with students who have been bullied.

But thank God for the religious right for being the voice of reason. Not only are the protesting the Day of Silence, they are calling for boycotts on schools that are allowing students to participate. The most egregious of them all, “Focus on the Family”, launched a counter-attack called "Day of Dialougue". This “social awareness” event tells students to tell their classmates “what the Bible really says”. They have actually designed “conversation cards” to arm these students against the big bad gay kids and even their gay-perceived peers. I hate those effeminate little punks, being all "well-dressed" and such. It's an affront to God I tell you.

The "Day of Dialogue," with its playful logo and friendly marketing materials is meant to help "people who messed up sexually." per Jeff Johnston, an “ex-gay” activist. Candi Chushman, FOTF education analyst calls it “homosexuality lessons”. They are also claiming that these anti-gay bullying events are actually a form of undercover “homosexual indoctrination”. Those gays are so sneaky! They’ve been after me for years with their so-called messages of “love” and “tolerance”. Bastards.

Another absurd claim these activists often add is that anti-bullying programs that include the recognition of anti-gay bullying amount to "special rights" for LGBT students, leading to what Cushman calls "reverse discrimination" against Christian students. Um, so they should be bullied just as much as the God-abiding straight kids? One of the organization’s leaders went so far as to say anti-gay bullying programs are a "homo-fascist tactic to stifle any dissent". Homo-fascist. Yikes.

In order to protect their little homophobe prodigies with baseball bats, religious right leaders have claimed that the gay rights movement, and young gay people themselves, are responsible for anti-gay harassment and the high suicide rate among gay youth. According to The Family Research Council's Tony Perkins, gay teens may be led to suicide because they "recognize intuitively that their same-sex attractions are abnormal." Surely it can’t be the endless harassment and constant humiliation from their peers and religious fanatics.

That would be just silly.

Jackass of the Week

In order to stay current with the intellectually-challenged, I'm introducing "Jackass of the Week". Just a microcosm of the dumbassedry alive in the world today. How fitting that Glenn Beck is my first guest!

Snakes Enter Next Phase of Invasion

Many have mocked, many have scoffed, but it appears there may be some credence to my claim that snakes are in fact, planning to take over the world.

I first raised the alarm in April of 2009 of this disturbing trend, in "Here's a Conspiracy For You". I cited the alarming increase of the python infestation in Florida, as well as an incident in Australia that was somewhat disarming. September of the same year in "Not To Say I Told You So...", I wrote about a startling recent influx of the Rock Python - a much more aggressive breed. I now have two words for you – Egyptian Cobra.

On Friday, March 25, an Egyptian Cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo.

There are many theories how this icon of evil escaped its less-than-friendly confines at the Bronx Zoo. I however have no doubts about the specifics around the so-called “escape”.

As you may recall, pythons have been known to travel distances of up to 43 miles in their lifetimes. With 1,200 miles to New York, it would take less than two months for a snake and it’s progeny to hit paydirt.

So it appears that the Cobra, aided by her minions, has been set free to lead her followers in the final assault against mankind. As we speak, the invertebrates of the world are rallying around their leader, planning for the inevitable.

The zoo is now claiming the snake has been recovered, but I’m not buying it. Obviously, the snakes have gotten to the press.

The leader of the coming apocalypse is still out there, planning.

Technology At Its Worst

In researching my last post on “Smuggle Truck”, I came across a myriad of wonderful, absolutely awful iPhone apps. It is boggles my mind that this revolutionary technology is being used in such useless, asinine ways. Here are my personal favorites, but there are many, many more out there. I did this in a countdown format to build the excitement...

7. iStrip Pen

This app mimics the same idea behind those risqué, “turn the pen upside down to see a naked lady” novelty pens from the 60’s. The upside? There isn’t one. It costs 99 cents, the graphics are terrible and, this being an official app, it of course features no nudity.

You can probably go down to your local tourist trap souvenir shop and get yourself the real novelty pen for half the price. You might even get to see some skin.

6. iKissMe

Per the developer, "No matter what your love life brings to the table, you will have a big soft pair of lips to kiss whenever you want!" Really?
Dial your preferred kiss type, and iKissMe will reward you with a kiss sound effect when you, yes, kiss your beloved iPhone. And then you have to call it “Precious” or it gets jealous.

To again quote the developer's description, "iKissMe is a great way to practice your kissing skills, or just to bring you up when you're feeling down." For $4.99.

My heart goes out to anyone who finds succor in this app - it's multi-touch narcissistic osculatorial masturbation is at best, unsettling.

5. That’s What She Said

Let’s be honest, we have all chuckled at Michael Scott using this witty comeback in many episodes of “The Office”. At one point this was funny. It still is funny in very small doses. But let’s be honest – anyone buying this app has no intentions of using it in small doses.

I can see the appeal. You’re in the middle of a meeting and your boss sets you up, but you don’t want to be caught saying TWSS. So you press the button and now everyone is giggling, except your boss, who is wondering who said it. Oh yeah, it’s the jackass with the iPhone in his hand.

4. Taxi Hold ‘em

This is a simple application that makes a loud whistling sound and displays an epilepsy-inducing taxi sign to get the attention of nearby cabbies. Of course, it’s a free app, so no harm done, right?

So I imagined myself in Chicago, getting off the subway, and hailing a cab in Ford Heights. I know what you’re thinking - cabbies don’t go to Ford Heights! For purposes of this illustration, let’s pretend they do. I don’t see any cabs (surprisingly), so I take out my trusty iPhone, turn on the bright yellow flashing iPhone which whistles and buzzes, and wave it around in the air.

I don’t think I’ll get the ride I was expecting.

3. Baby Shaker

Baby Shaker turns the revolutionary iPhone motion sensors into a way for the user to torture and silence an animated crying infant on the screen.

One look at the screenshot tells it all. This is just plain awful - and I thought I was a cynical bitch…

2. Hold On!

This application bills itself as one of the ultimate productivity increasers. You press the button and a timer keeps track of how long you keep your finger in place. Huh?

1. HangTime

Flying into first place for the most asinine app of the bunch, HangTime measures just how high you can throw your fancy-schmancy iPhone. That's right: You toss the iPhone up in the air, and the program lets you know how far it goes and how long it takes to come crashing down.

HangTime runs 99 cents, plus the cost of buying a new iPhone when yours inevitably shatters on the ground. WTF?

I probably shouldn't find this funny, but...

For any of us who have iPhones, iTouch, Android, etc., we know the pains of app addiction. I myself have downloaded and deleted more useless apps than I can count. Some are extremely useful, some a lot of fun, and many that are completely useless. This app however, is completely ridiculous.

“TUCSON, Arizona (Reuters) – A controversial iPod and iPad application that makes a game of the perils of sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border has sparked controversy among activists for immigrant rights.

In the game "Smuggle Truck," which is due for release next month, a truck bounces along a cartoon desert highway and sheds men, women and children as it hits bumps and hops over creeks and canyons. The aim of the app is to keep immigrants in the bed of the truck as they speed through the border lands.”. It’s so hilariously awful!

I am not even kidding. I read this and actually laughed out loud at my desk. How ridiculous is that?! Of course immigration activists are all up in arms about it, and I suppose with good reason. Each year hundreds of thousands are arrested as they try to sneak across the border from Mexico, and worse hundreds perish making the trip.

But you have to love the developer’s response to the criticism: "Smuggle Truck was inspired by the frustration our friends have experienced in trying to immigrate to the United States," Smuggle Truck's developer, Boston-based firm Owlchemy Labs, said in a statement posted online. "With such a troublesome issue being largely avoided in popular media, especially video games, we felt the best way to criticize it was with an interactive satire," it added.

Oh, so it’s a “political statement”, is that it? I gotta’ call bullshit.

When I Thought it Couldn't Get Any Worse...

I’m not usually one to harp, but Sarah, you really do drive me to the brink. Not only is she anti-environment, a homophobe, and all-around bitch, she has some very “unique” views on women’s rights.

In her recent book “America by Heart”, Palin clearly expresses disdain for contemporary feminism. In a bizarre leap devoid of logic, she concludes that modern feminism requires women to be dependent on government (of course). She describes modern feminism “Instead of being seen as fully capable of taking care of ourselves, we began to be portrayed as in constant need of protection. In the new feminist vision of America, women are perceived as constant victims of beatings by their husbands, date rape by their boyfriends, and self-induced starvation by society as a whole.”

Really?! Is that how she “perceives” the modern woman? Constant victims who practice self-induced starvation? Gee, there’s someone I want protecting women’s rights in Washington. We’re just poor fragile flowers helpless at the hands of our maniacal male overlords. This bothers me at so many levels I wouldn’t know where to start.

What planet is she living on? And of course, we can blame the liberals for this supposed “perception” of women today. What this woman will say to forward her preposterous political agenda is sickening.

She goes on to smear “liberal feminists” for “trying to convince American women that we are all victims in need of rescue by big government.” Wow - I would never have seen that opinion coming… She then cites a 1993 report which found that Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for domestic violence toward women. Palin claims that the report was false, based on her own “extensive experience” watching the Super Bowl in the presence of men, and claims the entire report to me nothing more than “a myth.” She states “These manipulations (of domestic violence statistics) do more than just serve the big-government agenda of liberal feminists; they serve the anti-woman agendas of tyrannical regimes everywhere.” Of course she does not back up her claim with any data to support this. And who the hell are these “tyrannical regimes”? Liberal women? If that’s the case, I need to start building an army and declare myself supreme ruler. That’s tyrannical regimes do right?

The only other mention in her book about domestic violence in her book is how appalled she is with how Muslim societies treat their women. Way to build bridges, Sarah. And of course, nothing like that ever happens here.
Here’s the most disgusting example of her complete indifference to women’s rights. As Mayor of Wasilla, Palin had approved city budgets stipulating that rape victims be made responsible for the costs of police rape kits collecting DNA evidence against accused rapists. How a woman who could foster such despicable ideology was chosen to represent the GOP in a federal election is disturbing at best.

Every time this woman opens her mouth more bile pours out. I’m sooooo hoping for a hunting accident in the near future.

Death Toll Rises

Not even kidding - just saw an article saying the "serial shark" has been linked to a third victim. The carnage, oh the humanity!

SyFy Channel Smells a Winner!

I came across this story by pure chance, and just couldn’t pass it up. While the main story is tragic, the details surrounding it are just ridiculous.

It’s July 4th weekend in a sleepy little town in Maine, and a safety-minded sheriff and a money-grubbing mayor butt heads on how to handle a recent shark attack. Bureaucracy wins the day, and low and behold someone else becomes human tartar for one of our aquatic neighbors. Panic ensues, slaps are thrown, and inebriated fishermen start bringing in dead sharks by the boatload. The Mayor declares the crisis over and everyone back in the water! And then, you guessed it, more human tartar.

Sound familiar? Fast forward to 12/1/10, Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt. Over the course of two days four tourists were mauled off the coast of a world-renowned snorkeling and diving center, heading into peak season. So the government leapt into action. They closed the beaches for two days, killed two sharks, and sounded the all clear. True to fiction, within 24 hours a woman was killed by a shark while standing in chest-deep water.

The Government’s response? "We did some efforts last week but I think we failed," Salem Saleh, director of the town's Tourism Authority told TIME on Monday. So, you “did some efforts” and “think you failed”? Maybe I’m just slow, but the mangled remains of a German tourist would probably sate my need for further investigation.

When it starts to get a little weird is when investigators determined that the same shark was behind two of the killings – now dubbed the “serial shark” (of course). Apparently, unless you’re in a blockbuster movie and know someone named Quint, this NEVER happens. I wonder if they’ll give him a nickname like “The Red Sea Slasher”, or “The Red Resort Ripper”.

I mean what’s next?! Sharks in Venice? Can you imagine how awful that would be? With all the water and channels and those cute little boats… What a great movie concept! I could ask Stephen Baldwin to star and… wait, never mind.

Egypt has closed the beaches indefinitely. This of course has all the local merchants up in arms. "We're not selling masks or any flippers because the beach is closed," says Bishoy Boutros, whose inventory includes a T-shirt that reads "How 'Bout Lunch?" emblazoned over the picture of a giant shark. Because that’s not inappropriate at all.

Local explanations for the shark surge vary wildly, citing everything from climate change to the de rigueur blaming of all local calamities on alleged Israeli plots. Those Jews are tricky that way, with their trained sharks and everything. My favorite however is the sheep hypothesis. Last month, Muslims celebrated Islam's Feast of the Sacrifice, during which it is traditional for each family to slaughter a sheep - and the extra demand requires that many more sheep are imported. Ships transporting sheep were discovered to have dumped carcasses in the area, possibly drawing sharks to the area.

Perhaps it’s time to retire the ‘ole sheep slaughtering tradition, and stick with lamb chops.

Glenn Beck - Showing us the "Real" Truth

Thank God for Glen Beck for showing us the light. Apparently, the impoverished citizens of our country aren’t really poor. They are just greedy bastards trying to get free shit. He has debunked the vast conspiracy that the poor and homeless are really poor and homeless. Evidently they have chosen a life of scrounging food for their children, watching their homes go into foreclosure, and sleeping in the streets.

Who is this asshole? What is he thinking? According to Beck, “When you get things for free you don’t appreciate them.” and “We shouldn’t begrudge millionaires or billionaires.”

So by his logic, those in dire need of public aid don’t appreciate it, and therefore shouldn’t get it. They just get their welfare checks, and giggle all the way to bank because they have pulled one over on the government. Really?! Is he aware that the poverty level is expected to reach at or near 15% of the population, and 20% of children will be living in poverty? Is he aware that in some parts of the country 1 out of 78 homes are facing foreclosure? It’s funny how these facts weren’t mentioned in his verbal manifesto. I wonder if he enjoys living in a crazy right-wing fantasy world like something out of a dystopian novel.

Then again, why shouldn’t he defend the rich? In April 2010, Forbes calculated Beck's earnings for the previous year (March 2009 - March 2010) to be $32 million. This jackass lives in a 6-bed, 7-bath, 6,346 sq ft mansion purchased for $4.25M, according to public records. I mean look at this place! Who the hell is he to even have an opinion on the subject?

Beck goes on to attack this “plague on society” - “We’re often told about the plight of the poor in America, and there is poverty in America, but let’s put it into perspective here. The poor in America 97% of them have television sets, 25% of those television sets are big screens. That’s poverty? 89% have a microwave. 80% have an air conditioning unit. 73% of the poor in America have a car. 64% have a washer. 57% of them have a dryer.” He goes on to say “I got news for you in other countries they’re not washing their clothes and sitting in air conditioning watching their big screen TV’s. They’re dying. That is poor.”

Luxuries like hair dryers and washers – these people should be ashamed of themselves! So what is he saying go big or go home? If you’re going to be poor you had better be living in a cardboard box? The nerve of these people, washing their clothes and not dying…

Two million Americans are set to lose their unemployment benefits by Christmas, while Glenn Beck tells us why millionaires and billionaires deserve more tax cuts. America is on pace for a record increase in poverty. According to Glenn, however, they’re just faking.

Merry fucking Christmas, asshole.

Evolution Gone Horribly Wrong

A friend of mine sent me these disturbing photos illustrating some alarming similarities between some of pop culture’s most infamous characters and their eerily similar look-alikes. Some paleontologists are calling this “irrefutable evidence” that evolutionary mutations are in fact a reality, and in some cases still haunt the human race today.

In this photo we see Hillary Clinton next to a Velociraptor, long thought to have died out during the Cretaceous period. However we see here a striking similarity between the two, particularly in the attack position seen here in both photos. Considering this new evidence of Mrs. Clinton’s apparent ancestors, we can now begin to understand the analagous behavior patterns.

While purported to be fictional, this picture of “Chucky” of Hollywood fame bears an uncanny resemblance to American Idol’s Clay Aiken. Mr. Aiken, long thought to be a shy & retiring “cub” of the gay community, apparently has quite anefarious family history. This disquieting likeness begs the question, what really happened after “Bride of Chucky” ended production? Disturbing.

This next comparison shows Michael Jackson, long known as “The King of Pop”, next to a bust of an Egyptian pharaoh. Could it be that Michael Jackson was the descendant of this ancient king/god? Note the inimitable semblance, particularly in the nose. Both are grossly deformed, & both appear to be wearing copious amounts of cosmetics. It certainly gives one pause.

Lastly, we have Flava Flav and “Stripe” from the popular eighties film “Gremlins”. Again though "professed" to be fictional, Stripe was an extremely violent and angry little monster, not unlike Flava Flav himself. Was Stripe really fictional, or could this be, dare I say it, the creature directly responsible for Mr. Flav’s very being? The likeness, particularly in the teeth, certainly begs the question. This could actually be the creature responsible for the horror, otherwise known as “Flavor of Love”.

Evil, it seems, continues to persevere.