Friday, March 20, 2009

Wow That's Some Ugly Bling

Seriously bro? This looks absolutely ridiculous. There’s really no other word for it – it just looks stupid. It’s a fucking box of kids cereal.

How can you wear this and not feel absolutely ridiculous? I have two words for this – developmentally challenged. I can guarantee you this guy took the short bus. And by the way, I have no idea who this is - I'm guessing not too many others do either.

Big H from the Dogg Pound. Excuse me Mr. H, or should I call you Big? Mr. H you have something stuck in your teeth. Oh I’m sorry, you wanted Liberace’s butt-plug in your mouth? Oh yes, it’s very nice. Yes definitely, very gangsta'...

What IS that shit in his mouth? Why is he snarling? Is he an angry man? Why is he disgusted with the crosses? Perhaps he's a vampire, repulsed by his own bling. That would explain the teeth and the sunglasses. That or he's just an asshole.

Nas and his damn impressive Tutankhamun bling. Again – the only word I have for this is ridiculous. It looks like something he picked up in a tourist shop at the Luxor. I wouldn’t wear that at Mardi Gras, no matter what I had drank smoked or otherwise.

So… does this mean he believes he’s a Pharaoh now? Will there be a Technicolor coat coming soon? Maybe if he buries in the sand it will actually be of use in 4,000 years. Most likely it will just tell future archaeologists that poor taste was a rampant plague in the 21st century.

Nigo. If there is a poster-boy for “Money Can’t Buy Taste”, this idiot wins hands down. Nigo is an insanely rich designer of "gangsta' clothing and shoes, producer, has his own hip-hop crew, "The Teriyaki Boyz" (I sooooo want one!), and is responsible for something called the "Millionaire Boys Club" and the BAPE brand - Bathing Ape.

With the amount of shit around his skinny neck, he actually appears to defy the laws of physics by standing upright. Look closely and you'll see a pink cougar, a green and yellow octopus, and an astronaut's head. It's as if he took characters from his latest acid trip and preserved them for posterity in diamonds, rubies and platinum. I wish I'd have thought of that back in the 80's...

Sean Kinston's Crayons. This, without a doubt, is my favorite. Back in December, Reggae star Sean Kingston debuted the most expensive piece of shit I have ever seen in my life. A $500,000 Crayon Crayola Box made out of diamonds, rubies, emeralds, etc. etc. It was so large it almost covered half of his more than generous torso.

But I have the most wonderful news - THE NECKLACE WAS STOLEN! Apparently MENSA member Mr. Kingston sent the “art” to a jeweler in NY, via Fed-Ex. Insured of course - for $500.00! That’s right, $500 bucks for a $500,000 necklace. God I love karma.

OK (pause). Why he would not only mail the something worth the GNP of Togo, using Fed-Ex? I barely trust Fed Ex with my Old Navy returns. And then to not even insure it, is beyond my spectrum of thinking.

How is he going to prove his success to family and friends now without the crayons??