Friday, March 2, 2012

Monitoring the Apocolypse

Since my last report, “Snakes Enter Next Phase of Invasion”, there have been several disturbing new developments on the upcoming Ophidian Armageddon. It appears the Machinations of Hell have released their most dastardly weapon yet – the Nile Monitor Lizard.

Shown here mocking a hapless photographer, monitor lizards are known to grow up to 8 feet in length, have spectacular strength, razor-like teeth, and claws made for evisceration on an epic scale.

With the escape and extremely suspect “capture” of an Egyptian Cobra from the Bronx Zoo last year, it would seem the bringers of the End Times are amassing some devastating weaponry. This covert contrivance to stamp out the human race is now beginning to receive national media attention. In 2011, the experts at “Current Zoology” Magazine published this whitepaper on aggressive foreign species in Florida AND Hawaii.

According to the magazine (written by doctors and shit!), it’s not only the big guns that are making an appearance. In addition to the Burmese Python, Rock Pythons and now Monitor Lizards, “several species of exotic iguanine lizards are established in south Florida” such as the green iguana, the black spiny-tailed iguana, and the northern curly-tailed lizard. Newest to scene is the giant black and white Tegus of S. America – a charming 4’ long lizard capable of chomping off human appendages in a single bite. It would seem The Horde is enlisting the entire reptilian nation, developing a “front line” if you will.

These fuckers are not messing around...

There are many theories on the uptick in firepower among Lucifer’s Legion, however the most likely the culprit is the alarming number of public GOP debates. As prohephesied in The Old Testament, “when the transgressors have reached their fullness” (Daniel 8:12), the proverbial shit will hit the fan. Now I ask you, who is more corrupt, more depraved, more malevolent then members of the GOP? With the amount of inane bullshit being piped into the airwaves, it’s no wonder His minions are stepping up the attack.

They just can’t take it anymore.

No comments: