Friday, March 16, 2012

How to Create a Cretan

Women’s rights and equality have come so far in the last century. This "Girls Only" branded toy has managed to undo all that work in one fell sweep – get it, sweep?

Nothing like inspiring your daughter to reach for the stars – start ‘em young I say. Susan B. Anthony would be so proud.

Another one for the ladies. The recipient (your daughter) wears a special halter top with flowers instead of nipples, that cause the baby to make sucking sounds and move its mouth.

The tagline for the toy reads, "Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby." I think you should.

Dr. Drill n' Fill: The revolutionary new toy that promotes children's healthy and active lifestyle by teaching them to associate fun with gouging out cavities. Your child will feel a great sense of accomplishment when he has mastered the dental arts. You’ll recognize that day by the yelp of a dog followed by screaming.

That’s right girls! Break out those thongs and pasties – it’s the Pole Dance doll! Complete with disco globe, this icon of female exploitation flashes, moves up and down, and even spins around the pole. Once again toy manufacturers are encouraging our daughters to reach for the stars! At least a disco ball, anyway.

Please don't give your child this toy. Please.

These toys certainly deserve an honorable mention based on the creepiness factor alone.

My grandson actually got this for Christmas – the movements of the mouth are priceless. Honestly we couldn’t stop laughing. The tragic part of this anecdote is that it was his favorite toy. I worry about that boy.

This is hands down the creepiest toy ever. It sounds like a dozen psychotic banshees on acid during some twisted blood ritual.

This thing sounds like a serial killer. A serial killer who taunts its prey with tickling. Just listen to it – you won’t this thing anywhere near your kid. Anywhere near your house for that matter.

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