Friday, January 6, 2012

A Year in the Life

While 2011 had its share of heart-wrending events, I wanted to remind us all of some of the ridiculousness, both awesome and awful, that helped define the past year. So in no particular order, here my favorites.

Taco Bell sued for its meat not really being meat.

I couldn’t decide if this was awesome or awful. I do think it’s hilarious that people were shocked that Taco Bell meat is not what you’d call “organic”. It’s Taco Bell – we don’t go there to get a healthy nutritious meal. We go there for its yummy, greasy, & fattening burritos, tacos general yumminess. On the awful side, Taco Bell refers to the non-meat part as “taco meat filling”, which is enough to make you cringe. My take? Ignorance is bliss.

Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes

This was awesome. Thank God for the employee at the HFPA for suggesting Ricky Gervais as host for the 2011 Golden Globes. Gervais was the first to ignore the PC bullshit & not worry about fragile celebrity egos. Some of my favorites that night:

On Cher concerts: “‘Do you want to go and see Cher?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it’s not 1975.’”
Introducing Downey: “Many of you in his room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County jail.”
His encouragement to Crystal Harris, Hugh Hefner’s now-ex-fiancĂ©e: “Just don’t look at it when you touch it.”

After it was over, it was criticized for being mean, abusive, and even mildly sinister. Bitches please – there was not one comment up there that wasn’t true, and hilariously put. These are comments that I would absolutely throw around – they’re hilarious! Probably not in front of millions, but that’s the beauty of Gervais – he has the balls to do it. Tip ‘o the hat my friend.

Charlie Sheen loses his mind

It started in October of 2010 with the hotel stripper debacle, but who could know that this was just the first stop on Charlie Sheen's personal Crazy Train. Charlie’s Magical Mystery Tour truly reached its apex in the spring of 2011, when it became obvious he had officially gone batshit crazy. Some of my favorite Sheenisms from 2011:

On himself: "I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time—and this includes naps—I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."
More on himself: "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?"
On Rehab: "AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA."
On politics: “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
On Winning: Though we never got the details around the kerfuffle, he was definitely winning.

Anthony Weiner Tweets his Junk

Awesome, with a dose of awful. May 27, a young woman gets a picture of a man’s junk, raw and unedited. As did thousands of other avid Twitter afficinados. Almost immediately, a spokesman releases this statement: “Anthony’s accounts were obviously hacked”. Sure it was. May 30, Weiner goes on CNN stating "I was hacked. It happens to people, you move on." Of course you were Anthony. My Twitter account frequently sends out random pictures of male genetalia. May 31, we get the quote that he cannot "say with certitude" that it [the picture] is not of him. Finally on June 6, Mr. Weiner admits that yes, it was in fact his wiener. No shit. On the awful side? Ew.

The Rapture

Minister Harold Camping had us holding our collective breaths on May 21 (a few fanatics anyway), based on his prediction that the world would end that Saturday. You’d think he would’ve learned his lesson from his two prior apocolyptic predictions in 1988 and 1994, but this time he was for sure. On May 23, in an awkward press conference, he stated that 5/21 was actually a “Spiritual Rapture”, and the real one would happen on October 21. This time he was for sure for sure. Surprisingly enough, Trick-or-Treaters still flocked to the streets on Halloween in typical gleeful fashion, Rapture be damned.

The jokes surounding this huge non-event were priceless. Facebook and Twitter lit up like Christmas trees. Some great Tweets: “After Saturday, let’s pretend everyone who believed in the Rapture doesn’t exist” or “Rapture on Saturday. Most awkward church service ever on Sunday” and “Wow, Heaven looks so familiar!”. Maybe he’ll jump on the 2012 bandwagon.

Glenn Beck leaves Fox

I cried for a week. No more rants, no more chalkboard, no more crying about how mean New-Yorkers are, etc. etc.. So yes, I cried tears of joy for an entire week. Shortly after leaving Fox, in a desperate attempt to endear himself to the masses, he announced he would be producing a new children’s program, “Liberty Treehouse”. Apparently now that all the adults have realized that he is a douchebag and a lunatic, he’s taking his inane rhetoric to a younger, more niaeve audience. Much like another popular German youth group in the ‘40’s. Time to check the parental controls…

Donald Trump

From his abandoned bid to run for president, to declaring his own a GOP debate, this may be the most ridiculous figure in pop culture to date. In his first act as a potential presidential candidate, he made a complete ass of himself with his rabid pursuit of his crackpot “birther” conspiracy – actually sending investigators to Hawaii to “out” Obama as a fake American. After the mockery of that crusade had ended, he became disillusioned with the GOP candidate selection. He then announced that being the patriot he is, he would dutifully, with heavy heart, step up and take the role himself. Such a martyr that one.

He’s been in and out of the Republican party several times this year, threatening to run as an independent if the GOP didn’t give him the nomination. He actually had the audacity to put together a GOP debate where he would moderate. No conflict there. Without a doubt the Jackass of the Year award goes to Donald “The Douchebag” Trump. The sad yet hilarious thing is, he has no idea what a joke he’s become.

Best New Invention

Someone invented inhalable caffiene. We can all stop freebasing.