Friday, March 16, 2012

How to Create a Cretan

Women’s rights and equality have come so far in the last century. This "Girls Only" branded toy has managed to undo all that work in one fell sweep – get it, sweep?

Nothing like inspiring your daughter to reach for the stars – start ‘em young I say. Susan B. Anthony would be so proud.

Another one for the ladies. The recipient (your daughter) wears a special halter top with flowers instead of nipples, that cause the baby to make sucking sounds and move its mouth.

The tagline for the toy reads, "Because you shouldn't have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby." I think you should.

Dr. Drill n' Fill: The revolutionary new toy that promotes children's healthy and active lifestyle by teaching them to associate fun with gouging out cavities. Your child will feel a great sense of accomplishment when he has mastered the dental arts. You’ll recognize that day by the yelp of a dog followed by screaming.

That’s right girls! Break out those thongs and pasties – it’s the Pole Dance doll! Complete with disco globe, this icon of female exploitation flashes, moves up and down, and even spins around the pole. Once again toy manufacturers are encouraging our daughters to reach for the stars! At least a disco ball, anyway.

Please don't give your child this toy. Please.

These toys certainly deserve an honorable mention based on the creepiness factor alone.

My grandson actually got this for Christmas – the movements of the mouth are priceless. Honestly we couldn’t stop laughing. The tragic part of this anecdote is that it was his favorite toy. I worry about that boy.

This is hands down the creepiest toy ever. It sounds like a dozen psychotic banshees on acid during some twisted blood ritual.

This thing sounds like a serial killer. A serial killer who taunts its prey with tickling. Just listen to it – you won’t this thing anywhere near your kid. Anywhere near your house for that matter.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Paid to get Laid

So apparently on Limbaugh’s planet, any woman who takes birth control is a slut. Wanting the government to mandate insurance companies to pay for contraceptives equates to wanting the government to pay us to have sex. Therefore, we are prostitutes, getting paid to get laid.

I mean that makes total sense if you’ve just popped 15 oxy’s and watched a Brady Bunch marathon. And of course are a teabagger.

As absolutely outrageous as that is, it gets better. Oh yes, much better:

“So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here’s the deal,” Limbaugh said on his radio show Thursday. “If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”

Really?! “…we want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.” That’s the deal? And exactly what parties agreed to said “deal”? This sounds much like something Huggy Bear (look it up, young 'uns), might say to his, um, employees. So is Rush Limbaugh now America’s top pimp?

And note how he repeatedly uses the words “we want”. What the hell is this “we” shit? So my brothers, was there a covert male-only town hall where you all agreed to stand by “The Deal”? Really guys?

What’s really creepy, absolutely abhorrent and nauseating, is the thought of Rush Limbaugh watching porn. And I, being part of the female demographic that takes or has taken birth control, well I think where you see where I’m going with this. It’s so unspeakable – I can’t even put down the words. All I can say is – ew.

The whole question of whether or not insurance companies should pay for contraceptives is an absurdity. If they will pay for Viagra (a complete oxymoron) and vasectomies, why the hell shouldn’t we get the same protection? Why is it insurance companies will pay for men to enhance their ability to impregnate women, but won’t let women protect ourselves from getting pregnant?

So thank you Mr. Limbaugh, for being the self-appointed face of the Republican party. Keep up the good work, jackass.

Monitoring the Apocolypse

Since my last report, “Snakes Enter Next Phase of Invasion”, there have been several disturbing new developments on the upcoming Ophidian Armageddon. It appears the Machinations of Hell have released their most dastardly weapon yet – the Nile Monitor Lizard.

Shown here mocking a hapless photographer, monitor lizards are known to grow up to 8 feet in length, have spectacular strength, razor-like teeth, and claws made for evisceration on an epic scale.

With the escape and extremely suspect “capture” of an Egyptian Cobra from the Bronx Zoo last year, it would seem the bringers of the End Times are amassing some devastating weaponry. This covert contrivance to stamp out the human race is now beginning to receive national media attention. In 2011, the experts at “Current Zoology” Magazine published this whitepaper on aggressive foreign species in Florida AND Hawaii.

According to the magazine (written by doctors and shit!), it’s not only the big guns that are making an appearance. In addition to the Burmese Python, Rock Pythons and now Monitor Lizards, “several species of exotic iguanine lizards are established in south Florida” such as the green iguana, the black spiny-tailed iguana, and the northern curly-tailed lizard. Newest to scene is the giant black and white Tegus of S. America – a charming 4’ long lizard capable of chomping off human appendages in a single bite. It would seem The Horde is enlisting the entire reptilian nation, developing a “front line” if you will.

These fuckers are not messing around...

There are many theories on the uptick in firepower among Lucifer’s Legion, however the most likely the culprit is the alarming number of public GOP debates. As prohephesied in The Old Testament, “when the transgressors have reached their fullness” (Daniel 8:12), the proverbial shit will hit the fan. Now I ask you, who is more corrupt, more depraved, more malevolent then members of the GOP? With the amount of inane bullshit being piped into the airwaves, it’s no wonder His minions are stepping up the attack.

They just can’t take it anymore.