Saturday, February 13, 2010

Oh, Canada...

So the Olympics have finally begun - yay! Canada, sadly, doesn't have nearly as many ridiculable qualities as China. However after watching the opening ceremonies, I'm beginning to wonder.

Don't get me wrong - I have Canadian friends, I love their health care system, and the people there are as friendly as they come. I love our "Neighbors to the North" as Canadians are so fondly known in the U.S., no matter what South Park says.

But those opening ceremonies - yikes. And I know, "if you don't have anything nice to say..." but what's the fun in that? My answer to that? "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me".

First of all, I now know who stole that polar bear off my lawn around Christmas. I was horrified to see it brought out in all it's glory at the opening ceremonies. And now the poor thing is being dismantled somewhere in British Columbia like so much garbage. Oh, the humanity! I'm seriously thinking about putting together a rescue mission to bring him back to his homeland. Bring him home roam free in the wilds of Springville, UT.

The other thing I want to know is how Frodo Baggins got put in a harness and then flown around the stadium. He looked so confused! I really felt sorry for the little guy. Apparently his search for the ring has gone horribly wrong, and he has been captured by some creative director in Vancouver - he just didn't have a chance...

There were definitely some cool moments - the whales across the floor were amazing, and I always appreciate the recognition of native peoples. Even if those 50' statues were a little scary... And K.D. Lang did an amazing job with "Hallelujah" - a beautiful song. Unfortunately, for the first half I thought I was watching Michael Bublé.

My girl Sarah McLaughlin sang - those of you who know me are acutely aware of my undying worship of this amazing singer/songwriter. But "Ordinary Miracle"? I just kept thinking of that cheesy CVS commercial and feminine hygiene products. God bless her.

But let us look at the pièce de résistance, the lighting of the Olympic torch! All I can say is wow, how embarrassing. One of the 4 arms that was supposed to comprise the 5 part phallic symbol that was to comprise the torch, well, broke. I'm just picturing some ex-lumberjack in a plaid, ear-flapped hat cranking wildly in vain, now forever marked as they guy who fucked up the Olympics. It's ok bro, we all make mistakes - though usually not in front of hundreds of millions of people.

The Parade of Nations was fabulous as usual - booing all the commies (and France) and cheering on our national heroes. Some of those outfits though - yikes. Shame on you Czech Republic! Check out the pants on these guys. I think I dated a body builder who had a pair these in 1991.

Overall, kudos Canada. For the most part, there's nothing not to like. It's a beautiful country with wonderful people, who didn't feel the need to spend the GNP of South America to open the Olympics. And that's okay, we still love you.

But I'm coming for my bear.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Scary Sights and Dark Secrets

Many years ago, I stumbled upon a scene that has been burned into my memory, filed under "Thing's I'd Like to Unsee". It started innocently enough, 3rd or so date with a relatively cute guy, Ravinia, copious amounts of wine...

However, after he "ssshhhhh'd" me for singing to the radio, insinuated my home town was a Mecca for white trash, and then brought me back to his place for a review of his porno collection (which he'd "conveniently" left out), I'd had about enough. So after patiently waiting in this douchebag's living room for him to shower and change for two hours, I got a anxious. So I wandered down the hall figuring he MUST be almost ready. That's when I saw this guy, door wide open, butt-ass naked, and well how do I say it... Trimming the verge?

Needless to say I was mortified, and quietly backed down the hall. I then curled into the fetal position and went to my happy place, wondering if there was a way to surgically remove memories.

Much to my surprise, there is actually a name for this - "Manscaping". And evidently it is a little known part male hygiene rituals around the globe. I can't believe this is the first I'm hearing about this! Am I the only chick not in the know?

I mean it's a well known fact that us ladies are known, even expected to keep our business in order, but I never guessed this was a priority for members of the opposite sex.

According to my source however (who will not be named, as I fear for his safety), ther is another, darker motive behind this ritual. It's like this ladies - your prize roses look a lot bigger when you keep the grass cut.

We are being duped! That's right, that well hung hottie you're so proud of is nothing but smoke and mirrors (and hair clippers). Ah, hell. Maybe I should give them credit for taking an interest in enhancing their assets. Lord knows women shell out billions every year to do just the same thing. But at least were out in the open about it... Who knew?

At least now I know the truth - 8 in inches my ass...