Thursday, October 2, 2008

McCain's secret plan to save the world

I think I may have judged John McCain unfairly. I’m starting to believe that today’s John McCain is not the tyrannical megalomaniac I have painted him to be. I think John McCain is covertly trying to lose the election, and save us from four more years of corruption and war-mongering.

How, you ask? Meet Gov. Sarah Palin – any presidential candidate’s worst possible choice for VP. Here’s a quick look at her “resume”:

- Ms. Alaska title
- Journalism degree from University of Idaho
- Sportscaster on TV station
- Member of PTA in Wasilla, Alaska, population less than 9,000
- Member of city council in Wasilla
- Mayor of Wasilla, two terms
- Pursued the nomination for Lieutenant Governor, lost
- Won Governorship in Alaska. Less than two years in office

No one in their right mind would want someone this unqualified waiting to step in as president, right?! Surely McCain knows this – which is why he picked her! He must know there is no way he will be elected with this dingbat on his ticket. This way, he can avoid pissing off the GOP, while still delivering this great country of ours into the safe hands of the Democrats.

I mean, here’s a prime example of her ineptitude. She was asked to cite a Supreme Court ruling that she disagreed with, other than Roe v Wade. She could not come up with a single one. Not one. As a Governor, I would think she’d have some idea about this country’s legal evolution. But here’s the real kicker – In May of this year, the Supreme Court refused to act on her own petition to stop polar bears from being added to the endangered species list.

Obviously, you’d think she’d get this one - she wrote brief after brief about it. Apparently, she just froze up. Is that what we can expect of her during international negotiations? Excellent – very reassuring.

The polar bear issue itself also gives us a view of life with Sarah Palin. Some of you may have heard of that pesky “global warming” thing, which right now is melting away the polar bear’s natural habitat. She isn’t even sure that global warming exists at all, and has expressed that if there is any warming, it wasn’t caused by man’s use of fossil fuels. Which is an interesting position to take, as her husband works for British Petroleum. Hmmm. Had her petition succeeded of course, her hubby’s employer would have a lot more land to exploit. Fuck the polar bear.

Anyhoo, I can’t tell you how relieved I am that John McCain is truly the American hero I always thought he was. I had really thought that Mr. McCain had crossed over to the dark side. But now that I know what he’s really up to, I can sleep easier at night. But seriously though, that’s has to be his reason for Palin right? No way he’s dumb enough to pick her and expect to win. That would make him just another ultra-conservative, psychotic GOP clone, wouldn’t it?

Nah.

No comments: