SyFy Channel Smells a Winner!

I came across this story by pure chance, and just couldn’t pass it up. While the main story is tragic, the details surrounding it are just ridiculous.

It’s July 4th weekend in a sleepy little town in Maine, and a safety-minded sheriff and a money-grubbing mayor butt heads on how to handle a recent shark attack. Bureaucracy wins the day, and low and behold someone else becomes human tartar for one of our aquatic neighbors. Panic ensues, slaps are thrown, and inebriated fishermen start bringing in dead sharks by the boatload. The Mayor declares the crisis over and everyone back in the water! And then, you guessed it, more human tartar.

Sound familiar? Fast forward to 12/1/10, Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt. Over the course of two days four tourists were mauled off the coast of a world-renowned snorkeling and diving center, heading into peak season. So the government leapt into action. They closed the beaches for two days, killed two sharks, and sounded the all clear. True to fiction, within 24 hours a woman was killed by a shark while standing in chest-deep water.

The Government’s response? "We did some efforts last week but I think we failed," Salem Saleh, director of the town's Tourism Authority told TIME on Monday. So, you “did some efforts” and “think you failed”? Maybe I’m just slow, but the mangled remains of a German tourist would probably sate my need for further investigation.

When it starts to get a little weird is when investigators determined that the same shark was behind two of the killings – now dubbed the “serial shark” (of course). Apparently, unless you’re in a blockbuster movie and know someone named Quint, this NEVER happens. I wonder if they’ll give him a nickname like “The Red Sea Slasher”, or “The Red Resort Ripper”.

I mean what’s next?! Sharks in Venice? Can you imagine how awful that would be? With all the water and channels and those cute little boats… What a great movie concept! I could ask Stephen Baldwin to star and… wait, never mind.

Egypt has closed the beaches indefinitely. This of course has all the local merchants up in arms. "We're not selling masks or any flippers because the beach is closed," says Bishoy Boutros, whose inventory includes a T-shirt that reads "How 'Bout Lunch?" emblazoned over the picture of a giant shark. Because that’s not inappropriate at all.

Local explanations for the shark surge vary wildly, citing everything from climate change to the de rigueur blaming of all local calamities on alleged Israeli plots. Those Jews are tricky that way, with their trained sharks and everything. My favorite however is the sheep hypothesis. Last month, Muslims celebrated Islam's Feast of the Sacrifice, during which it is traditional for each family to slaughter a sheep - and the extra demand requires that many more sheep are imported. Ships transporting sheep were discovered to have dumped carcasses in the area, possibly drawing sharks to the area.

Perhaps it’s time to retire the ‘ole sheep slaughtering tradition, and stick with lamb chops.