Fall Reality - What to Watch (says me)

The Biggest Loser: Families
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 8PM ET/PT - NBC
NBC has announced The Biggest Loser: Families -- the reality weight-loss series' sixth-season. This installment will be a "family edition" featuring teams consisting of two family members each.

I love this show! I’m so psyched that it’s back. All kidding aside, it’s great watching these people turn their lives around. It almost inspires me to start getting into the fitness thing… almost.

Survivor: Gabon
Premieres on Thursday, September 18 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The seventeenth edition of this long-running reality competition series will mark the debut of CBS' new fall schedule. The rest of the network's schedule won't begin premiering until Monday, September 22, the official start of the 2008-2009 television season.

Thank God it’s back. I love this show. So much to love, so much to make fun of. You’ll definitely be getting updates on this one as the season progresses. Yay!!

The Amazing Race 13
Premiers Sunday, September 28 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The Amazing Race's thirteenth season begins at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in late April and concludes in the Portland, OR area. Over the course of 23 days, the teams embark on a 30,000-mile trek that includes visits to Brazil, Bolivia, Russia and India -- as well as the show's first-ever stop in Kazakhstan.

Another one of my favorites. Inevitably there’s a couple that is at each other’s throats through the whole thing – very entertaining. Then there’s the whiner, the team that screws everyone over… Good times.

Top Design
Premieres Wednesday, September 3 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Top Design's second season will be similar to last winter's edition, the contestants will live together in a loft and compete in various design-themed challenges, with the winner receiving a grand prize package of $100,000 and a four-page editorial showcase in Elle Decor magazine.

I love this show. It’s always so much fun to mock other people’s failings. You do get some good ideas from this show, as there a lot of cool designs. But the best part really is making fun of the really ugly stuff.

Secret Millionaire
Premieres on Wednesday, December 3 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
This new reality series follows wealthy Americans as they leave their lavish lifestyles to learn what it's like to try and survive in some of the country's most impoverished neighborhoods.

Episodes will follow the wealthy participants as they go undercover to various impoverished neighborhoods for roughly a week to meet different poverty-stricken people and experience what it's like to live their lifestyle. On the last day of their experience, the millionaires will reveal their true identities to the penniless people and also give at least $100,000 of their own money -- often times more -- to those they've met.

This sounds kind of cool - kind of like “Daddy Warbucks – Hidin’ Out in Harlem”. If I were still living in my first apartment, I probably could’ve been on this show.

Dogtown
Premiers Friday, January 4, at 9 p.m. ET/PT – National Geographic
Dogtown takes viewers inside the grounds to meet the dogs and the team dedicated to ensuring that even the toughest cases survive. This expert team of caregivers has a single mission - to transform hopeless dogs into loving pets.

Abuse or neglect has turned some of these dogs into aggressive animals, and their trip to Dogtown is their last chance for a better life.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch this, but I think it’s great that Nat Geo is airing it. These people don’t get nearly enough of the credit they deserve. Hopefully it will also raise awareness to the need for help in this area. Humans can be real bastards.

And that's my girl Josie - one of my best and oldest friends.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 3

Cash Or Capture
Premieres November 2008 on Sci-Fi
Cash or Capture is a reality competition show that pits a group of contestants against each other for a cash prize, while being stalked by relentless "hunters." Based on a successful Japanese format from Fuji Television, the action takes place over 60 minutes of real time in various landmark locations.

Have we really gotten so desperate for ideas we’re turning to the Japanese?! And who exactly are these “relentless hunters”? Has Sauron unleashed the Nazgul once again? Take the ring Frodo! Take the ring!

Rock of Love Girls: Charm School
Premieres Fall 2008 on VH1
VH1’s Charm School is returning for a second season. While the first season was hosted by Mo’Nique, Sharon Osbourne will be the host for the second season. In the series, Sharon Osbourne will face the challenge of teaching fourteen of the girls from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels how to be more lady-like.

Contestants from both seasons of Rock of Love will live under one roof as they study etiquette, fashion, manners, and moderation. Each week the contestants will undertake a unique lesson and then take a test, which will lead to an expulsion. The last surviving contestant will win a $100,000 prize.

This is priceless. Have you seen these girls? They’re skanks! Every single one of them. And Sharon Osbourne, of all people, is going to teach them to be “lady-like”. That’s right, the lady who married a man who eats bats, and has ingested enough drugs to put Manuel Noriega out of business.

I don’t think I can force myself to watch this, but it sounds hilarious.

Celebrity Rehab 2
Premieres Thursday, Jan. 10, 10PM ET on VH1
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew is a reality show that chronicles the drug and alcohol rehabilitation of several well-knowns trying to rid themselves of the their addictions. Dr. Drew Pinsky will be supervising the celebrities during their inpatient stay at the Pasadena Recovery Center in California.

The eight celebrities checking in are:
- Child star, Jaimee Foxworth of singing group “Heaven Sent,” and tv’s “Family Matters.”
- Crazytown’s lead singer, Seth “Shifty” Binzer.
- UFC Heavyweight Champ, Ricco “Suave” Rodriguez.
- Another Baldwin Brother on reality TV?! Yep, this time it’s Daniel.
- Model Brigitte Nielson.
- Joan Marie Laurer — or you may know her better as buff WWF wrestler, Chyna.
- Porn star Mary Carey.
- Jeff Conaway…yes, that’s hot “Greaser,” Kenicke.
- American Idol season 4 top ten finalist, Jessica Sierra

This looks like it could be very entertaining, or just really, really dumb. Due to the fact that recognize 3 names on this list, I’m gonna’ go with really, really dumb. And yes, that's a picture of the glamorous Bridgette Neilsen.

This would have been so much better with Dr. Ruth.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst part 1

My Super Sweet 16 Presents: Exiled!
Premieres Monday, August 25 at 10:30PM ET/PT - MTV
This new reality series sends former “My Super Sweet 16” teens to live with the indigenous tribes of far away countries for the opportunity to add some perspective to their world view.

Each episode will follow one of eight girls who -- at the behest of their parents – has been transplanted to a primitive tribe around the world to experience the lifestyle of the teenage girls who live there year round.

So these spoiled little punk-ass bitches will be sent to live with the natives in a remote jungle. I can already hear the bitching and whining. One word – cannibalism. There’s a reason for it people.

The Rachel Zoe Project
Premiere Monday, September 8 at 11PM ET/PT – Bravo
This new reality series follows celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe and her team of fashion experts as they attempt to take their business to the next level.

The Rachel Zoe Project will offer viewers a behind-the-scenes look at Zoe and her team as they attempt to put Zoe at the forefront of a new business. Zoe and her team are also always trying to ensure she's still able to help her celebrity clients while juggling everything from fashion magazine deadlines to photo shoots.

Who the hell is Rachel Zoe? Yet another biting example that anyone, I mean anyone, can get their own reality show. And what is going on at Bravo? First they get rid of Project Runway, and now this crap. I think all the gays must have resigned and gone to Lifetime.

Hole in the Wall
Premiere Thursday, September 11 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
Hosted by actress Brooke Burns and TV personality Mark Thompson, each Hole in the Wall episode will follow two teams competing against each other to get through various walls speeding towards them. Their only means of getting through will be different-sized shapes, forcing the contestants to contort their bodies in unison as they either squeeze through or get knocked into a pool below.

So this is a show about people trying to climb through holes in walls. Apparently this show has been a hit in Japan (go figure), the UK and Australia. I'm just not gettin' it.

Solo: Lost at Sea
Premieres Monday, Sept. 15 at 10PM ET/PT – National Geographic Channel
Solo: Lost at Sea, is a series that documents adventurer Andrew McAuley's attempt to become the first person to kayak solo from Australia to New Zealand.

McAuley's journey is documented by a video camera mounted on the bow of his boat, capturing his own words and the strokes of his paddle as he attempted to survive wild storms, circling sharks and an exhausting month of paddling across the Tasman Sea.

Wow, that so doesn’t sound very interesting. “Capturing the strokes of his paddle”? Whoever came up with this show is a stroke.

What probably will suck, but I’m watching anyway

The Bachelorette, Season 4 (premieres Monday, May 19 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
DeAnna Pappas got rejected by The Bachelor eleventh-season star Brad Womack... TWICE! Now ABC is giving the Southern belle her own opportunity to find love with the return of this The Bachelor spin-off.

I have never watched any of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” shows, but I thought I would give it a try. I think the premise is a bit cheesy, but there’s something about a bunch of morons, albeit extremely hot morons, throwing themselves at the feet of a woman. To be honest, I’m really looking forward to lots of beefcake as well.

So You Think You Can Dance, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 8PM ET/PT on Fox)
Mary Murphy screaming, Nigel Lythgoe getting face time and Cat Deeley doing her best Ryan Seacrest impression aren't the only things the fourth season of this reality series has to offer, as viewers will once again have the opportunity to crown the best dancer America has to offer.

Up until now, I have refused to watch these dancing shows, but I’ve been watching “Step it up and Dance” on Bravo, and I really like it. So I’ll give this a shot – hopefully I won’t lose any brain cells due to absolute stupidity on this, because I really don’t have many to spare. This chick certainly has some moves... I think she's doing what they call "The Drunk Elaine".

She's Got the Look (premieres Wednesday, June 4 at 10PM ET/PT on TV Land)
Modeling-themed reality competition shows can't be accused of being ageist anymore, as this new series will follow 10 woman 35 or older as they strut their stuff on the runway.

My only reason for watching this will be to give props to my sisters over the age of 35. I am so fucking tired of 30 pound 18 year old models strutting their bony asses all over the place.

Wipeout (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants will make their way through obstacle courses designed to produce what the network described as "the most crashes, face plants, impacts and wipeouts ever seen on television."

This would be nothing but my morbid sense of curiosity speaking. I loved the movie “Jackass”, and there’s something about seeing a bunch of idiots doing asinine stunts to win a prize. I’m really looking forward to the faceplants.

Shear Genius, Season 2 (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 10PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Contestants will need to creating fashionable coifs in weekly challenges. The biggest challenge will be dealing with the clients that some of the stylists have to deal with on a regular basis.

I watched this last year and found it mildly entertaining. The reason I’m watching it again is strictly for the really bad hair that this show turns out.

Big Brother 10 (premieres Sunday, July 13 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
This long-running reality series will be back for its traditional summer run. Since its ninth season was pretty lackluster, here's hoping the warmer temperatures can also add some heat to the competition.

I tried watching this years ago and was very underwhelmed - I only made it through 2 episodes. As my summer looks to be somewhat of a washout, I’m going to have some extra time on my hands. Let’s see how long I make it this year.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants are shipped halfway around the world for this new reality series, which will follow 10 Americans who are whisked away to Japan to compete in the "ultimate Japanese game show." Banzai!

ABC is apparently so desperate for a new premise they are putting contestants on the slow boat to China. This does sound mildly amusing, simply because Japanese game shows do some of the craziest shit ever. Again, I’m really looking forward to the faceplants

Summer Reality - what probably will suck

American Gladiators, Season 2 (premieres Monday, May 12 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
The revival of this campy competition series will be back for a second season as part of NBC's "All American Summer", that will include the network's coverage of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.

“All American Summer”? For God’s sake please don’t include me with the wife-beating, redneck, white-trash losers who watch this crap. And for NBC to try a segue between "American Gladiators” and the Olympics is a travesty. And check out this pic – It’s a reunion tour for the Village People – aaaaawwwwww.

Million Dollar Password (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
Regis Philbin will helm this new game show that CBS is billing as a combination between classics Password and Pyramid.

Would someone please put this man out of his misery? Rather, put the American public out of it’s misery? Here’s a great idea, let’s take to cheesy game shows long past their expiration date, and have most reviled geezer America has to offer to host? Somewhere, there’s a village missing an idiot that can now be found working as a producer in LA. I’ve included a picture from their marketing campaign.

Bridezillas, Season 5 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 9PM ET/PT on WEtv)
The fifth season of this reality series debuts just in time for all those summer weddings on your itinerary, and this time the tyrannical brides-to-be apparently have some competition from family members, including a "Momzilla" in the premiere episode. Hopefully the happy couple made sure mom contributed her portion of the bill before she flipped out.

It’s not that this show downright sucks, but if you’re not a bride-to-be it’s pretty boring. Besides, the brides aren’t nearly crazy enough to keep it moving. Show me Brittany Spears planning her wedding – that would make for some good TV.

The Next Food Network Star, Season 4 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 10PM ET/PT on Food Network)
Food Network turned up the heat in the kitchen for the fourth season of this reality series, as Iron Chef America star Bobby Flay will become a regular member of the judging panel. However the "steaks" are still the same, with the culinary contestants having to prove they have what it takes to star in his or her own series on the network.

I’m sorry, this just seems like one more pathetic network making a pathetic attempt to get in on the reality TV boon. The premise has been done to death, and I can’t imagine The Food Network churning out anything that would hold my attention for more than 7 seconds.

Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on MTV) This new Grease: You're the One that I Want-like reality series searches talent for Laura Bell Bundy's replacement as Broadway's Elle Woods. However unlike NBC's Grease,the show's director and choreographer will ultimately pick the competition's winner to assure viewers don't kill the musical at the box office before it even opens.

First of all, I can not believe there is a Broadway show based on the movie “Legally Blonde”. Didn’t Nostradamus mention this as a portent of doom before the world comes to a fiery end? What the fuck is going on here?!?! But to take it a step further and spin-off a reality TV show around it, well, I hope you have all made your peace with God before he smites all for this blasphemous idiocy. Maybe we’re already in hell, and this is the type of entertainment we’ll all be forced to watch.

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation (premieres Friday, June 6 at 9PM ET/PT on Animal Planet)
Talk about anthropomorphic. The fourth season of this reality series could double as a chapter in human civilization, as the Kalahari Desert is up for grabs among the meerkats following the death of matriarch Flower. With rival meerkat gangs, romances and the struggle to survive, it doesn't get much more real than that (unless you're on The Hills).

I get it, they’re cute, they’re furry, and they all just lost Grandma. Who cares!

Nashville Star, Season 6 (premieres Monday, June 9 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
Not only does the sixth season of this reality competition series have a new home on NBC -- it will also feature several new faces and format changes, including host Billy Ray Cyrus; judges and musical mentors Jewel, John Rich and Jeffrey Steele; duets and trios have the chance to perform; and a lower minimum age requirement of 16-years-old. Yee-haw!

I’m definitely biased here, having hated country music since I could form sentences. But really, has anyone seen Billy Ray Cyrus lately? It must take him forever with that flat-iron to get ready in the morning. And what is that shit on his lower lip? And riddle me this Batman, would anyone under the age of 25 even know who he was if is wasn’t for his daughter (aka Hannah Montana). And Jewel, I expected more from you.

Celebrity Circus (premieres Wednesday, June 11 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
Celebrities undertake circus stunts in this revival of the old “Circus of the Starts” It’s cast reads like a who's who of celebrity reality show participants, some of which will undoubtedly create must-see-TV when they're shot out of a human catapult or juggle knives. Hosted by Joey Fatone: Christopher ''Peter Brady'' Knight, former supermodel Rachel Hunter, soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr., singer Blu Cantrell, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, and Jason ''Wee Man'' Acuna.

I think this train-wreck speaks for itself. Do you think they’ll have Wee-Man do sword swallowing?

America's Got Talent, Season 3 (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
This glorified talent show is back for a third season. However potential contestants aren't the only ones who have been honing their skills, as judge Piers Morgan recently sharpened his tongue by winning The Celebrity Apprentice and single handedly banishing Omarosa from TV... hopefully for good.

Jerry Springer – need I say more? Even though Piers Morgan did open up a big can o’ whoop-ass on Omarosa (The Apprentice), I can’t listen to him speak without wanting to take a shower. David, you were in Baywatch, and by default a jackass. Sharon, what were you thinking? And let’s not forget the “talent” (and I use the term loosely) – stilts, puppets, karate, creepy clowns… I really hope there’s a smackdown between the losing contestants every week.

The Baby Borrowers (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
Five young couples are followed as they are put on the fast-track to adulthood. With their baby growing from an infant to elder over the course of three weeks, the couples will either learn that they're ready for parenthood or in need of more birth control.

The name makes it sound like contestants have to kidnap a baby, and the one collects the ransom without being caught by 5-0 wins.. What do they mean “infant to elder” in 3 weeks? Do the losers go through a sterilization process? Why didn’t the parents of this producer go through a sterilization process?

Dance Machine (premieres Friday, June 27 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
This new series will feature six different people from various walks of life who face each other in a series of one-on-one dance offs for the chance to win a $100,000 prize.

Another gem from ABC. Are they trying to hit a world record for the most dance shows on a single network, or just the worst?

Greatest American Dog (premieres Thursday, July 10 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
America's Next Top Model goes to the dogs in this new reality series, which will follow a group of pageant pooches and their respective owners as they compete against each other in a series of canine-themed challenges for $250,000.

This one had me confused – is it for really ugly beauty paegent wanna-be’s, or actual four-legged dogs? Apparently CBS has created a “best-dog” contest for man’s best-friend, as they have run out of ways to judge humans. This whole concept is a dog.

Jingles (premieres Sunday, July 27 at 9PM ET/PT on CBS)
Ever wonder where those annoyingly catchy commercial ditties come from? This new Mark Burnett-created game show has the answer, as it will follow a team of contestants who are given weekly advertisement-writing assignments before having to perform the campaign they concocted, which will be voted on by home viewers.

“Jingles: The New Breed” Ugghhh!! As if we don’t have enough little annoying jingles getting stuck in out heads, CBS is tapping the vast talent pool of white-trash America. I think this is one of those shows that just by watching, your IQ will drop at least 50 points and you will have thoughts of suicide. Just Say No.

Summer reality - what probably won't suck

Last Comic Standing, Season 6 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
With more than a dozen current and former network sitcom stars serving as talent scouts, it's home viewers who will once again get the chance to crown the king/queen of funny. Aspiting comedians face comedic challenges every week, and then face off with stand-up routines to see who goes home.

Love this show. I was just turned onto it last year by a friend and loved it. It’s funny and clever, and I’m so rooting for the girls this year.

The Mole, Season 5 (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this show's first non-celebrity edition in six years, a group of 12 contestants will compete in new missions at new locations while trying to determine who among them is attempting to sabotage their chances at winning the grand prize.

I’m a little dubious about this one, but who knows. I can’t stand celebrity reality shows, so I’m going to take a second look at this one. I wonder what the Mole will look like, because traditionally, moles are very, very ugly.

HGTV Design Star, Season 3 (premieres Sunday, June 8 at 9PM ET/PT on HGTV)
10 designers competing in the third season of this reality series will attempt to show-off their creativity, ingenuity and skills in the hopes of landing the grand prize of his or her own HGTV television show.

I watched this last season, and was a bit underwhelmed. But I love interior design. Besides, any reality TV show with the word “design” in it always has extremely, well, “colorful” characters.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, June 12 at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
The fourth season of this reality series will continue to follow the comedian as she lives life on the D-List. In addition to offending everyone, Griffin will also officiate a wedding and woo Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whom she recently split from after a brief romantic relationship.

She dated Steve Wozniak?!?! Yikes. Watching that train wreck play out is enough for me.

Wanna Bet (premieres Monday, July 21 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this new reality show Celebrities will wager on the success or failure of some of the wildest stunts, tricks and mental challenges dreamed up and performed by average Americans, with everything they win going to charity.

This sounds awesome. I’m picturing Ozzy Ozbourne and Gene Simmons betting on how many skin grafts will be needed to reattach the face of some dipshit who decides to try fire-eating. This sounds very promising.

Project Runway (premieres Monday, July ?? at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Emmy-nominated competition reality series Project Runway features host supermodel Heidi Klum and a panel of industry luminaries, including judges Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, Elle magazine fashion director, as they decide who is “in” and who is “out.” Tim Gunn, Chief Creative Officer at Liz Claiborne, Inc. once again acts as a mentor to the 15 contestants as they navigate weekly fashion challenges. Designers will be whittled down to the finalists who will show their own line at New York Fashion Week.

I have searched and searched for a premiere date, but couldn’t find anything, other than that it’s in July. This will be it’s last run on Bravo, as it’s moving to the Lifetime Network (gag) this fall. Sorry Gay community, you will now be forced to sit through countless tampon commercials and cheesy movie trailers. Whatever – I love this show and can’t wait for the premiere!!!