Get Your Violins Ready...

Oh, where to begin. Let me premise this article with the fact that I am in fact watching this show - it's entirely too good to pass up. The nightly competition show is held in the Costa Rican jungle, with pseudo-celebrities vying for crappy rewards and money for their favorite charities. The grand prize you ask? Coronation as King or Queen of the Jungle. Wow.

On Monday's debut, the main focus was on Heidi whining and Spencer throwing temper tantrums. Sadly, no one was eliminated. Co-host Damien Fahey told the audience at the top of the show "The only thing that's certain is, YOU are in control of their lives,". Promises, promises.

Here is a line-up of the “celebrities”:

- Stephen Baldwin, actor, kind of. I like Stephen. He was on fringe of the “Brat Pack” of the 1980’s (Julia Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, Emilio Estevez, etc.), and I loved him in Flatliners. He had a run of horrible movies, gained some weight, became a born again Christian, and is now running the celebrity game-show circuit. No surprises here.
- Torrie Wilson, pro wrestler, token hot blonde.
- Patti Blagojevich, former IL first lady and second choice from her husband Rob, the former Governor of Illinois. Rod was NBC’s first choice, however a judge ruled he could not leave the country as he is currently under indictment for what has been called a “corruption crime spree“. I would’ve given anything to see him on this show…
- Spencer and Heidi Pratt, America’s favorite douchebag and his charming wife from “The Hills” .And may I say, they are certainly living up to their namesakes.
- Sanjaya Malakar, the bane of existence for “American Idol” fans everywhere.
- John Salley, former NBA pro and “TV Personality” (whatever the hell that means)
- Janice Dickinson, a case-study in cougarism with very large lips and has something to do with modeling
- Francis Collier and Angela Shelton, comedic duo ”Frangela”. Never heard of them, but probably the most non-annoying humor on the show.
- Lou Diamond-Phillips, actor, with apparently very little to do or a bad coke habit which needs to be fed. I mean WTF Lou? You’re better than this!!

And so the drama begins. Wanna-be socialite Heidi Pratt is seen on Monday wondering aloud, "Is that a REAL monkey?". Heidi apparently is not cut out for jungle life. So traumatized was Ms. Pratt in a moment of desperation she cried out "This is just almost borderline real torture. Like I would do to al-Qaida." Wow. Really?

The couple has repeatedly threatened to leave the show. Sadly for us they keep coming back - kind of like herpes outbreaks. After coming back on one occasion and finding the others had plundered their belongings in their absence, Spencer went ballistic. "Where does it end?! Where does it end?!" he railed. Heidi commented “I’m just praying to be nice to someone who was so horrible to me and vandalized my hair product.”

Spencer was also very interested in Patti‘s Husband‘s legal woes. He did comment however, "Just so you know, when I met him, I was like, this is who I would have voted for the president of the United States of America." Then Patti clasped hands with Spencer and Heidi, who led them in prayer: "I pray that the truth will be revealed. I pray that he will triumph ..." At this point I vomited in my mouth a little.

Then after Spencer was baptized in the river by Stephen Baldwin (oh, I know…) Spencer and Heidi told their costars on Tuesday's show that they were leaving for good. "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi," Spencer said. "I'm too rich and too famous," he told the other contestants.

Bitch please…

Last night however they were back, begging for forgiveness and wanting back in the jungle. According to Heidi, Satan made them make a bad decision, and now they’re back. It’s such a train wreck, but somehow I can’t look away…

Fall Reality - What to Watch (says me)

The Biggest Loser: Families
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 8PM ET/PT - NBC
NBC has announced The Biggest Loser: Families -- the reality weight-loss series' sixth-season. This installment will be a "family edition" featuring teams consisting of two family members each.

I love this show! I’m so psyched that it’s back. All kidding aside, it’s great watching these people turn their lives around. It almost inspires me to start getting into the fitness thing… almost.

Survivor: Gabon
Premieres on Thursday, September 18 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The seventeenth edition of this long-running reality competition series will mark the debut of CBS' new fall schedule. The rest of the network's schedule won't begin premiering until Monday, September 22, the official start of the 2008-2009 television season.

Thank God it’s back. I love this show. So much to love, so much to make fun of. You’ll definitely be getting updates on this one as the season progresses. Yay!!

The Amazing Race 13
Premiers Sunday, September 28 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The Amazing Race's thirteenth season begins at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in late April and concludes in the Portland, OR area. Over the course of 23 days, the teams embark on a 30,000-mile trek that includes visits to Brazil, Bolivia, Russia and India -- as well as the show's first-ever stop in Kazakhstan.

Another one of my favorites. Inevitably there’s a couple that is at each other’s throats through the whole thing – very entertaining. Then there’s the whiner, the team that screws everyone over… Good times.

Top Design
Premieres Wednesday, September 3 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Top Design's second season will be similar to last winter's edition, the contestants will live together in a loft and compete in various design-themed challenges, with the winner receiving a grand prize package of $100,000 and a four-page editorial showcase in Elle Decor magazine.

I love this show. It’s always so much fun to mock other people’s failings. You do get some good ideas from this show, as there a lot of cool designs. But the best part really is making fun of the really ugly stuff.

Secret Millionaire
Premieres on Wednesday, December 3 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
This new reality series follows wealthy Americans as they leave their lavish lifestyles to learn what it's like to try and survive in some of the country's most impoverished neighborhoods.

Episodes will follow the wealthy participants as they go undercover to various impoverished neighborhoods for roughly a week to meet different poverty-stricken people and experience what it's like to live their lifestyle. On the last day of their experience, the millionaires will reveal their true identities to the penniless people and also give at least $100,000 of their own money -- often times more -- to those they've met.

This sounds kind of cool - kind of like “Daddy Warbucks – Hidin’ Out in Harlem”. If I were still living in my first apartment, I probably could’ve been on this show.

Dogtown
Premiers Friday, January 4, at 9 p.m. ET/PT – National Geographic
Dogtown takes viewers inside the grounds to meet the dogs and the team dedicated to ensuring that even the toughest cases survive. This expert team of caregivers has a single mission - to transform hopeless dogs into loving pets.

Abuse or neglect has turned some of these dogs into aggressive animals, and their trip to Dogtown is their last chance for a better life.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch this, but I think it’s great that Nat Geo is airing it. These people don’t get nearly enough of the credit they deserve. Hopefully it will also raise awareness to the need for help in this area. Humans can be real bastards.

And that's my girl Josie - one of my best and oldest friends.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 3

Cash Or Capture
Premieres November 2008 on Sci-Fi
Cash or Capture is a reality competition show that pits a group of contestants against each other for a cash prize, while being stalked by relentless "hunters." Based on a successful Japanese format from Fuji Television, the action takes place over 60 minutes of real time in various landmark locations.

Have we really gotten so desperate for ideas we’re turning to the Japanese?! And who exactly are these “relentless hunters”? Has Sauron unleashed the Nazgul once again? Take the ring Frodo! Take the ring!

Rock of Love Girls: Charm School
Premieres Fall 2008 on VH1
VH1’s Charm School is returning for a second season. While the first season was hosted by Mo’Nique, Sharon Osbourne will be the host for the second season. In the series, Sharon Osbourne will face the challenge of teaching fourteen of the girls from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels how to be more lady-like.

Contestants from both seasons of Rock of Love will live under one roof as they study etiquette, fashion, manners, and moderation. Each week the contestants will undertake a unique lesson and then take a test, which will lead to an expulsion. The last surviving contestant will win a $100,000 prize.

This is priceless. Have you seen these girls? They’re skanks! Every single one of them. And Sharon Osbourne, of all people, is going to teach them to be “lady-like”. That’s right, the lady who married a man who eats bats, and has ingested enough drugs to put Manuel Noriega out of business.

I don’t think I can force myself to watch this, but it sounds hilarious.

Celebrity Rehab 2
Premieres Thursday, Jan. 10, 10PM ET on VH1
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew is a reality show that chronicles the drug and alcohol rehabilitation of several well-knowns trying to rid themselves of the their addictions. Dr. Drew Pinsky will be supervising the celebrities during their inpatient stay at the Pasadena Recovery Center in California.

The eight celebrities checking in are:
- Child star, Jaimee Foxworth of singing group “Heaven Sent,” and tv’s “Family Matters.”
- Crazytown’s lead singer, Seth “Shifty” Binzer.
- UFC Heavyweight Champ, Ricco “Suave” Rodriguez.
- Another Baldwin Brother on reality TV?! Yep, this time it’s Daniel.
- Model Brigitte Nielson.
- Joan Marie Laurer — or you may know her better as buff WWF wrestler, Chyna.
- Porn star Mary Carey.
- Jeff Conaway…yes, that’s hot “Greaser,” Kenicke.
- American Idol season 4 top ten finalist, Jessica Sierra

This looks like it could be very entertaining, or just really, really dumb. Due to the fact that recognize 3 names on this list, I’m gonna’ go with really, really dumb. And yes, that's a picture of the glamorous Bridgette Neilsen.

This would have been so much better with Dr. Ruth.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 2

The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Bravo has announced The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the latest version of the network's The Real Housewives reality franchise. The Real Housewives of Atlanta will follow a similar format to its Orange County and New York City predecessors and follow five women from “Hotlanta”.

Who the fuck cares about five random ho-bags living in Atlanta?! This platform is the most inane thing I’ve ever seen. Who is watching this? Someone is because this waste of airtime keeps coming back. Kind of like VD.

Dancing with the Stars
Premieres Monday, September 22 at 8PM ET/PT - ABC
The eighth season will hit the floor with 13 celebrities slated to compete on the new season of the top-rated dance contest. This season’s line-up includes Susan Lucci, Toni Braxton, Lance Bass, Cloris Leachman, Kim Kardashian, Ted McGinley, Brooke Burke, NFL champ Warren Sapp and two Olympic athletes: Misty May-Treanor, 2008Olympian, and Maurice Greene, 2000 Olympian. Rounding out the cast are chef Rocco DiSpirito, Cody Linley of "Hannah Montana" and comedian Jeffrey Ross.

So, Frau Blucher is going to be in a dance competition? Well I guess it makes sense. Not only does she exude sexuality, she has moves that make Travolta look like an amateur.

My Big Redneck Wedding
Premieres Saturday, October 4 at 9PM ET/PT. - CMT
CMT has announced My Big Redneck Wedding's second season will hosted by comedian Tom Arnold. Each episode follows a different pair of lovebirds living below the Mason-Dixon Line as they prepare to walk down the aisle and throw a reception.

The premiere will follow Elaine and Bruce as they prepare for their wedding, which includes a shoe-optional service; invitations on paper napkins; a mud pit ceremony at the Horse Hole Mud Bog; and bridesmaids and groomsmen who wear tank tops and cut-off shorts.

Once again, Country Music TV doesn’t fail to disappoint. I wonder if they put together an oral hygiene kit to use as wedding favors. Maybe a coupon to Dr. Dumbley’s Denture Emporium…

Gimme My Reality Show!
Premiers Saturday, October 11 at Midnight – Fox Reality Channel
This show follows a group of D-list reality retreads as they battle each other in various challenges. The ultimate winner will receive his/her own Fox Reality Channel show that will debut next year.

The cast will consist of former American Idol finalist, The Surreal Life housemate and Battle of the Network Reality Stars contestant Ryan Starr; former O.J. Simpson houseguest Kato Kaelin; former The Anna Nicole Show interior decorator Bobby Trendy; former Baywatch actress, The Surreal Life, Celebrity Boot Camp and U.K. Celebrity Big Brother 2006 participant Traci Bingham; Project Runway second-season runner-up Santino Rice; former Breaking Bonaduce co-star Gretchen Bonaduce; and former The Brady Bunch actress Susan Olsen.

Can you imagine a bigger bunch of media whores and assholes assembled on one stage? Definitely one of the worst this season. And how exactly does Kato Kaelin fit in?

Mobile Home Disaster
This show, sadly, appears to be over for the season, but I just couldn’t help myself. Country Music Television, the channel that’s given us “Redneck Dreams”, “Hillbilly Deluxe”, and “Trick My Truck” put this gem out earlier this year.

Basically it’s just like “Extreme Makeover – Home Edition”, except in this show they redecorate your double-wide. And look at the tasteful appointments they’ve made to this lil’ piece o’ heaven!

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst part 1

My Super Sweet 16 Presents: Exiled!
Premieres Monday, August 25 at 10:30PM ET/PT - MTV
This new reality series sends former “My Super Sweet 16” teens to live with the indigenous tribes of far away countries for the opportunity to add some perspective to their world view.

Each episode will follow one of eight girls who -- at the behest of their parents – has been transplanted to a primitive tribe around the world to experience the lifestyle of the teenage girls who live there year round.

So these spoiled little punk-ass bitches will be sent to live with the natives in a remote jungle. I can already hear the bitching and whining. One word – cannibalism. There’s a reason for it people.

The Rachel Zoe Project
Premiere Monday, September 8 at 11PM ET/PT – Bravo
This new reality series follows celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe and her team of fashion experts as they attempt to take their business to the next level.

The Rachel Zoe Project will offer viewers a behind-the-scenes look at Zoe and her team as they attempt to put Zoe at the forefront of a new business. Zoe and her team are also always trying to ensure she's still able to help her celebrity clients while juggling everything from fashion magazine deadlines to photo shoots.

Who the hell is Rachel Zoe? Yet another biting example that anyone, I mean anyone, can get their own reality show. And what is going on at Bravo? First they get rid of Project Runway, and now this crap. I think all the gays must have resigned and gone to Lifetime.

Hole in the Wall
Premiere Thursday, September 11 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
Hosted by actress Brooke Burns and TV personality Mark Thompson, each Hole in the Wall episode will follow two teams competing against each other to get through various walls speeding towards them. Their only means of getting through will be different-sized shapes, forcing the contestants to contort their bodies in unison as they either squeeze through or get knocked into a pool below.

So this is a show about people trying to climb through holes in walls. Apparently this show has been a hit in Japan (go figure), the UK and Australia. I'm just not gettin' it.

Solo: Lost at Sea
Premieres Monday, Sept. 15 at 10PM ET/PT – National Geographic Channel
Solo: Lost at Sea, is a series that documents adventurer Andrew McAuley's attempt to become the first person to kayak solo from Australia to New Zealand.

McAuley's journey is documented by a video camera mounted on the bow of his boat, capturing his own words and the strokes of his paddle as he attempted to survive wild storms, circling sharks and an exhausting month of paddling across the Tasman Sea.

Wow, that so doesn’t sound very interesting. “Capturing the strokes of his paddle”? Whoever came up with this show is a stroke.

A great idea gone horribly wrong...

It has recently come to my attention that my favorite television genre, Reality TV, has of late taken on a much, much darker side. Disturbing images from the past that we had all assumed were dead and gone, are now crawling out from the depths and creating their own reality shows. I offer the following examples as a warning to all Reality TV buffs looking for a new fix.

The Two Coreys
This ridiculous time-waster is set around Corey Haim and Corey Feldman trying to kiss and make-up. They will both be starring in Lost Boys 2, and want to make sure they have that “warm fuzziness” back in their relationship before they start shooting. They actually go to a therapist, where we see the disturbing image of Corey Feldman crying over his lost love, Corey Haim. Can’t we all just get along?

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels, former AquaNet king from the eighties hair-band “Poison”, is entering into his 3rd season of his ongoing search for “true love”. Basically, Bret has developed his own version of “The Bachelor”, where he always gets to be the bachelor. As we are going into season 3, so apparently things haven’t gone so well.

This season, he’s going cross-country on his tour bus with a bunch of well, skanks, trying to get in his pants. As you can see by the pic, Bret has great taste in women - so classy! So when he gives them the boot – does he just drop them at the nearest truck stop? Judging by this photo, they'd probably be able to find work pretty quick...

Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant!
That’s right, Scott Baio has his own reality show, and apparently it’s starting it’s second season. Apparently he knocked up his girlfriend and now their getting married. For shame, Chachi, for shame!!

Other media whores/D-listers with their own reality shows
Christopher Knight, Tori Spelling, Dina and Ali Lohan, Brooke Hogan, George Foreman, the entire cast of “The Surreal Life” including Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), Ron Jeremy (porn star – really gross), Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer (WWF Professional Wrestler), Sandy “Pepa” Denton (of Salt n’ Pepa), Bridgette Nielsen, Vanilla Ice, Robin Leach, Emmanuel Lewis (the midget from “Webster”), Andrea Lowell (Playboy model), C.C. Deville (formerly of hair bands Poison and Warrant).

What is going on?! Scott Baio? Emmanuel Lewis? Vanilla Ice for God’s sake?! It’s like a horrible nightmare about being chased by zombies with big hair and royalty checks – they just won’t die! All I’m saying is, be careful out there.

Is Mary Murphy the spawn of hell?

In an earlier post about the summer’s upcoming Reality TV line-up, I classified "So You Think You Can Dance” in the “What will probably suck but I’m watching anyway” category. I have to admit, I was wrong.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “that’s just not possible – you’re right about everything!” But being perfect means admitting when you’re not – it is an oxymoron, I know.

But seriously, I love this show. The dancing is really, really good. I actually found myself in tears the other night. Its one near-fatal flaw is Mary Murphy. The screams, the cackles, those bug eyes! And those teeth – My God! They are mutant white. I swear she must gargle with bleach to achieve that glow-in-the-dark look. Do you think America could vote her off?

Aside from Scary Mary, I have definitely found a new favorite. If you appreciate art, you really should check it out.

suck it up

Apparently being a gynecologist from Chicago means that: a) You are a bitch, and b) you have to talk with a bizarre, snotty tone at all times. I can see that Nicole is the one who is really going to provide me with some great content. That whole business with her refusing to sleep outside – OMG! Then she started referring to herself as Dr. Diva. I thought it was priceless when she found out they were all leaving her on the beach for the night. At least that left her free to find prey in the cover of darkness before turning into a bat.

My husband and I are kind of leaning towards skinny, whiny Bobby as the Mole last night, but now I’m having second thoughts. I think that Mark is also a strong candidate. The man’s a history teacher – in the Carusoe challenge the things he was putting on the table were ridiculous. A Victrola, seriously? It wasn’t even put on the market until 1901.

And let’s face it, anyone who would voluntarily style his hair like that has got to be hiding something.

play nice, boys...

I had this show on my list of “What will probably suck, but I’m watching anyway”. Frankly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach this crap for the next three months. I was downright embarrassed for these idiots (yes, the bachelors). It was so uncomfortable! I felt like I was watching a school-yard pick gone horribly wrong, which brought back many traumatizing memories I might add.

After watching the second episode, I could not believe the de-evolution that was beginning to take shape with these otherwise, smart, successful, gorgeous guys. What a bunch of bitches! The pic on the left pretty much sums it up.

My favorite moment: Ryan, the 28 year old virgin who tells everyone who will listen about his superior morals and unshakable faith, called Jeremy a jackass (I think – it was beeped). He was the only one on the show that got openly hostile and started swearing. Jeremy of course seems to be in the lead for DeAnna’s affections. I really can’t stand when people go around bragging about their “relationship with God” and “saving themselves for marriage”, blah blah blah. It usually tells me they are insecure and are covering for something else. In this case, Ryan was covering the fact that he’s an asshole.

I must admit, the show provides good material. But all the cheesy speeches and liturgies from these love-struck morons is almost too much to bear. For my art, however, I’ll tough it out as long as I can. The three people who read this blog would expect nothing less.

What probably will suck, but I’m watching anyway

The Bachelorette, Season 4 (premieres Monday, May 19 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
DeAnna Pappas got rejected by The Bachelor eleventh-season star Brad Womack... TWICE! Now ABC is giving the Southern belle her own opportunity to find love with the return of this The Bachelor spin-off.

I have never watched any of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” shows, but I thought I would give it a try. I think the premise is a bit cheesy, but there’s something about a bunch of morons, albeit extremely hot morons, throwing themselves at the feet of a woman. To be honest, I’m really looking forward to lots of beefcake as well.

So You Think You Can Dance, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 8PM ET/PT on Fox)
Mary Murphy screaming, Nigel Lythgoe getting face time and Cat Deeley doing her best Ryan Seacrest impression aren't the only things the fourth season of this reality series has to offer, as viewers will once again have the opportunity to crown the best dancer America has to offer.

Up until now, I have refused to watch these dancing shows, but I’ve been watching “Step it up and Dance” on Bravo, and I really like it. So I’ll give this a shot – hopefully I won’t lose any brain cells due to absolute stupidity on this, because I really don’t have many to spare. This chick certainly has some moves... I think she's doing what they call "The Drunk Elaine".

She's Got the Look (premieres Wednesday, June 4 at 10PM ET/PT on TV Land)
Modeling-themed reality competition shows can't be accused of being ageist anymore, as this new series will follow 10 woman 35 or older as they strut their stuff on the runway.

My only reason for watching this will be to give props to my sisters over the age of 35. I am so fucking tired of 30 pound 18 year old models strutting their bony asses all over the place.

Wipeout (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants will make their way through obstacle courses designed to produce what the network described as "the most crashes, face plants, impacts and wipeouts ever seen on television."

This would be nothing but my morbid sense of curiosity speaking. I loved the movie “Jackass”, and there’s something about seeing a bunch of idiots doing asinine stunts to win a prize. I’m really looking forward to the faceplants.

Shear Genius, Season 2 (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 10PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Contestants will need to creating fashionable coifs in weekly challenges. The biggest challenge will be dealing with the clients that some of the stylists have to deal with on a regular basis.

I watched this last year and found it mildly entertaining. The reason I’m watching it again is strictly for the really bad hair that this show turns out.

Big Brother 10 (premieres Sunday, July 13 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
This long-running reality series will be back for its traditional summer run. Since its ninth season was pretty lackluster, here's hoping the warmer temperatures can also add some heat to the competition.

I tried watching this years ago and was very underwhelmed - I only made it through 2 episodes. As my summer looks to be somewhat of a washout, I’m going to have some extra time on my hands. Let’s see how long I make it this year.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants are shipped halfway around the world for this new reality series, which will follow 10 Americans who are whisked away to Japan to compete in the "ultimate Japanese game show." Banzai!

ABC is apparently so desperate for a new premise they are putting contestants on the slow boat to China. This does sound mildly amusing, simply because Japanese game shows do some of the craziest shit ever. Again, I’m really looking forward to the faceplants

Summer Reality - what probably will suck

American Gladiators, Season 2 (premieres Monday, May 12 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
The revival of this campy competition series will be back for a second season as part of NBC's "All American Summer", that will include the network's coverage of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.

“All American Summer”? For God’s sake please don’t include me with the wife-beating, redneck, white-trash losers who watch this crap. And for NBC to try a segue between "American Gladiators” and the Olympics is a travesty. And check out this pic – It’s a reunion tour for the Village People – aaaaawwwwww.

Million Dollar Password (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
Regis Philbin will helm this new game show that CBS is billing as a combination between classics Password and Pyramid.

Would someone please put this man out of his misery? Rather, put the American public out of it’s misery? Here’s a great idea, let’s take to cheesy game shows long past their expiration date, and have most reviled geezer America has to offer to host? Somewhere, there’s a village missing an idiot that can now be found working as a producer in LA. I’ve included a picture from their marketing campaign.

Bridezillas, Season 5 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 9PM ET/PT on WEtv)
The fifth season of this reality series debuts just in time for all those summer weddings on your itinerary, and this time the tyrannical brides-to-be apparently have some competition from family members, including a "Momzilla" in the premiere episode. Hopefully the happy couple made sure mom contributed her portion of the bill before she flipped out.

It’s not that this show downright sucks, but if you’re not a bride-to-be it’s pretty boring. Besides, the brides aren’t nearly crazy enough to keep it moving. Show me Brittany Spears planning her wedding – that would make for some good TV.

The Next Food Network Star, Season 4 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 10PM ET/PT on Food Network)
Food Network turned up the heat in the kitchen for the fourth season of this reality series, as Iron Chef America star Bobby Flay will become a regular member of the judging panel. However the "steaks" are still the same, with the culinary contestants having to prove they have what it takes to star in his or her own series on the network.

I’m sorry, this just seems like one more pathetic network making a pathetic attempt to get in on the reality TV boon. The premise has been done to death, and I can’t imagine The Food Network churning out anything that would hold my attention for more than 7 seconds.

Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on MTV) This new Grease: You're the One that I Want-like reality series searches talent for Laura Bell Bundy's replacement as Broadway's Elle Woods. However unlike NBC's Grease,the show's director and choreographer will ultimately pick the competition's winner to assure viewers don't kill the musical at the box office before it even opens.

First of all, I can not believe there is a Broadway show based on the movie “Legally Blonde”. Didn’t Nostradamus mention this as a portent of doom before the world comes to a fiery end? What the fuck is going on here?!?! But to take it a step further and spin-off a reality TV show around it, well, I hope you have all made your peace with God before he smites all for this blasphemous idiocy. Maybe we’re already in hell, and this is the type of entertainment we’ll all be forced to watch.

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation (premieres Friday, June 6 at 9PM ET/PT on Animal Planet)
Talk about anthropomorphic. The fourth season of this reality series could double as a chapter in human civilization, as the Kalahari Desert is up for grabs among the meerkats following the death of matriarch Flower. With rival meerkat gangs, romances and the struggle to survive, it doesn't get much more real than that (unless you're on The Hills).

I get it, they’re cute, they’re furry, and they all just lost Grandma. Who cares!

Nashville Star, Season 6 (premieres Monday, June 9 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
Not only does the sixth season of this reality competition series have a new home on NBC -- it will also feature several new faces and format changes, including host Billy Ray Cyrus; judges and musical mentors Jewel, John Rich and Jeffrey Steele; duets and trios have the chance to perform; and a lower minimum age requirement of 16-years-old. Yee-haw!

I’m definitely biased here, having hated country music since I could form sentences. But really, has anyone seen Billy Ray Cyrus lately? It must take him forever with that flat-iron to get ready in the morning. And what is that shit on his lower lip? And riddle me this Batman, would anyone under the age of 25 even know who he was if is wasn’t for his daughter (aka Hannah Montana). And Jewel, I expected more from you.

Celebrity Circus (premieres Wednesday, June 11 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
Celebrities undertake circus stunts in this revival of the old “Circus of the Starts” It’s cast reads like a who's who of celebrity reality show participants, some of which will undoubtedly create must-see-TV when they're shot out of a human catapult or juggle knives. Hosted by Joey Fatone: Christopher ''Peter Brady'' Knight, former supermodel Rachel Hunter, soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr., singer Blu Cantrell, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, and Jason ''Wee Man'' Acuna.

I think this train-wreck speaks for itself. Do you think they’ll have Wee-Man do sword swallowing?

America's Got Talent, Season 3 (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
This glorified talent show is back for a third season. However potential contestants aren't the only ones who have been honing their skills, as judge Piers Morgan recently sharpened his tongue by winning The Celebrity Apprentice and single handedly banishing Omarosa from TV... hopefully for good.

Jerry Springer – need I say more? Even though Piers Morgan did open up a big can o’ whoop-ass on Omarosa (The Apprentice), I can’t listen to him speak without wanting to take a shower. David, you were in Baywatch, and by default a jackass. Sharon, what were you thinking? And let’s not forget the “talent” (and I use the term loosely) – stilts, puppets, karate, creepy clowns… I really hope there’s a smackdown between the losing contestants every week.

The Baby Borrowers (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
Five young couples are followed as they are put on the fast-track to adulthood. With their baby growing from an infant to elder over the course of three weeks, the couples will either learn that they're ready for parenthood or in need of more birth control.

The name makes it sound like contestants have to kidnap a baby, and the one collects the ransom without being caught by 5-0 wins.. What do they mean “infant to elder” in 3 weeks? Do the losers go through a sterilization process? Why didn’t the parents of this producer go through a sterilization process?

Dance Machine (premieres Friday, June 27 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
This new series will feature six different people from various walks of life who face each other in a series of one-on-one dance offs for the chance to win a $100,000 prize.

Another gem from ABC. Are they trying to hit a world record for the most dance shows on a single network, or just the worst?

Greatest American Dog (premieres Thursday, July 10 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
America's Next Top Model goes to the dogs in this new reality series, which will follow a group of pageant pooches and their respective owners as they compete against each other in a series of canine-themed challenges for $250,000.

This one had me confused – is it for really ugly beauty paegent wanna-be’s, or actual four-legged dogs? Apparently CBS has created a “best-dog” contest for man’s best-friend, as they have run out of ways to judge humans. This whole concept is a dog.

Jingles (premieres Sunday, July 27 at 9PM ET/PT on CBS)
Ever wonder where those annoyingly catchy commercial ditties come from? This new Mark Burnett-created game show has the answer, as it will follow a team of contestants who are given weekly advertisement-writing assignments before having to perform the campaign they concocted, which will be voted on by home viewers.

“Jingles: The New Breed” Ugghhh!! As if we don’t have enough little annoying jingles getting stuck in out heads, CBS is tapping the vast talent pool of white-trash America. I think this is one of those shows that just by watching, your IQ will drop at least 50 points and you will have thoughts of suicide. Just Say No.

Summer reality - what probably won't suck

Last Comic Standing, Season 6 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
With more than a dozen current and former network sitcom stars serving as talent scouts, it's home viewers who will once again get the chance to crown the king/queen of funny. Aspiting comedians face comedic challenges every week, and then face off with stand-up routines to see who goes home.

Love this show. I was just turned onto it last year by a friend and loved it. It’s funny and clever, and I’m so rooting for the girls this year.

The Mole, Season 5 (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this show's first non-celebrity edition in six years, a group of 12 contestants will compete in new missions at new locations while trying to determine who among them is attempting to sabotage their chances at winning the grand prize.

I’m a little dubious about this one, but who knows. I can’t stand celebrity reality shows, so I’m going to take a second look at this one. I wonder what the Mole will look like, because traditionally, moles are very, very ugly.

HGTV Design Star, Season 3 (premieres Sunday, June 8 at 9PM ET/PT on HGTV)
10 designers competing in the third season of this reality series will attempt to show-off their creativity, ingenuity and skills in the hopes of landing the grand prize of his or her own HGTV television show.

I watched this last season, and was a bit underwhelmed. But I love interior design. Besides, any reality TV show with the word “design” in it always has extremely, well, “colorful” characters.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, June 12 at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
The fourth season of this reality series will continue to follow the comedian as she lives life on the D-List. In addition to offending everyone, Griffin will also officiate a wedding and woo Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whom she recently split from after a brief romantic relationship.

She dated Steve Wozniak?!?! Yikes. Watching that train wreck play out is enough for me.

Wanna Bet (premieres Monday, July 21 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this new reality show Celebrities will wager on the success or failure of some of the wildest stunts, tricks and mental challenges dreamed up and performed by average Americans, with everything they win going to charity.

This sounds awesome. I’m picturing Ozzy Ozbourne and Gene Simmons betting on how many skin grafts will be needed to reattach the face of some dipshit who decides to try fire-eating. This sounds very promising.

Project Runway (premieres Monday, July ?? at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Emmy-nominated competition reality series Project Runway features host supermodel Heidi Klum and a panel of industry luminaries, including judges Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, Elle magazine fashion director, as they decide who is “in” and who is “out.” Tim Gunn, Chief Creative Officer at Liz Claiborne, Inc. once again acts as a mentor to the 15 contestants as they navigate weekly fashion challenges. Designers will be whittled down to the finalists who will show their own line at New York Fashion Week.

I have searched and searched for a premiere date, but couldn’t find anything, other than that it’s in July. This will be it’s last run on Bravo, as it’s moving to the Lifetime Network (gag) this fall. Sorry Gay community, you will now be forced to sit through countless tampon commercials and cheesy movie trailers. Whatever – I love this show and can’t wait for the premiere!!!

Survivor Micronesia - The season of the dumb-asses

First, let me express my dismay over the end of what may have been the best Survivor to date. With all the twists, turns and blindsides towards the end, you never knew what was going on. The stupidity of certain players, made it all the more entertaining.

The first half I have to say was pretty lame. The show focused almost completely on the favorites, which was a bit annoying. We really didn’t learn much about the fans until after the merge. But then things started to get interesting. Here’s a few players of note:

Kathleen: What a psycho. From day one we knew she was weird with her commentary on gays. Awwwwkkkwwaaardd…… Then of course her nervous breakdown was well, priceless.

Chet: Was he bizarre or what? Certainly not a pleasant man to look at, he might have been one of the most useless players of all time. My favorite Chet moment was when Joel literally dragged him through the “log maze”, repeatedly slamming his face into tree after tree. I have a feeling that challenge pretty much summed up his high school years.

Eliza: She was kind of like the dorky girl in high school who wanted to fit in so badly, she turned evil when the cool girls wouldn’t let her in. Sitting in the jury, all that girl did was roll her bug eyes and laugh at everyone else’s misfortunes. Maybe the concentration camp she came from right before the show made her a little bitter. East a pork chop girl!

Natalie: You know the girls kept making jokes about stirring their witches’ cauldrons, but I’m pretty sure Natalie has one at home. She was kind of scary at the end, taking about flossing her teeth with the jugular veins of other contestants. Yikes.

James: Isn’t he so hot?

Eric: You just want to pat him on the head and tell him to go play with his little friends. I’m still baffled how he got that far in the game. His hand-off of immunity to Natalie was by far the dumbest move ever on Survivor. Look out Mensa! Just kidding – he’ll probably be in porn within the next 5 years.

Parvarti: Although I really wanted Amanda to win, I have to give Parv her props. She pulled off some awesome coups, and still kept loyal to her original alliance of Amanda and Cirie. She ran that show from beginning to end. Congrats!!

How about some of those jury questions? There weren’t too many surprises – Eliza was angry and bitter, James rakes Parvarti over the coals, Cirie was a little pissed, but my favorite was Ozzy. He absolutely reamed Parvarti. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a jury member go off on someone like that. What was awesome was his declaration of love for Amanda. That was so sweet and so sad, you can’t help but love the guy.

Here’s to a great season, and looking forward to the next. Cheers!

Survivor - the chicken or the egg?

Question - If you are on an island, have a penis, and surrounded by girls, will it make you an imbecile? Or were you an imbecile to begin with? Not unlike the chicken and the egg, it's these rhetorical quandries that a girl could ponder for years and still not understand. Which of course brings us to last night's tribal council, and Eric's unbelievably idiotic decision to willingly hand over his immunity to Natalie. The same Natalie he had blatently screwed over after winning the reward challenge, and was lobbying for to get the boot. Mind boggling, I know.

Here's a quick breakdown of Eric's stupidity, and the genius he was up against. Open to Eric and Natalie, promising each other that of the two of them, whoever won the challenge would send the other to Exile to look for the idol. Cue Cirie, Amanda and Parv trying to figure out a way to use Eric to their advantage. Next to Amanda promising Eric to take him on the reward if she wins, and asking if he will do the same for her. He agrees. Then she talks him into sending Parv to Exile if he wins (preventing anyone else from finding the idol), which he also agrees to. Natalie who?

Eric did win the reward challenge, picked Amanda to go with him to a luxury spa, and sent Parv to Exile. Natalie? Really pissed. Cirie gets Nat back to camp and goes on and on about how Eric screwed Natalie over - "boy I'd be pissed if I were you..." Things are looking good for the ladies until Eric wins immunity. Desparate, the girls came up with a ridiculous plan to talk him into "redeeming himself" for his indescretions by handing over the necklace to Natalie at tribal. "you'll get more votes, everyone will trust you," etc., etc. I'm thinking no one is that stupid.

Once again, I was proven wrong. First off, the acting that was going on at tribal was impeccable. "You have to redeem yourself", "Actions speak louder than words", etc. etc. Then Jeff asks the obligatory question, does Eric want to keep his individual immunity. Eric gives a heart-warming liturgy about redeeming himself and hands it over to Nat. Are you kidding me?! That's 4 males in 4 weeks who had immunity and pissed it away. The best part of this might have been the jury's reaction to this astonishing act of stupidity. Not surprisingly Eric was shown the door, after every single one of those girls voted his ass out. James could barely contain himself from the jury, declaring he was no longer "the dumbest Survivor ever". No James, just one of the four dumbest ever.

Jeff Probst called it a life lesson. I call it fucking hilarious.

idol results - what a shocker.

Well, not really. Jason said goodbye last night after the train wreck of a performance on Tuesday. At least he wasn’t sobbing on stage. I won’t mention any names, but her name starts with a “B” (I’m so sneaky, aren’t I?).

So this leaves us with Syesha, David T. and David C., who I predict will go home in that order. Syesha has really surprised me – I thought she’d be gone long before now. She’s definitely a good singer, but personally I think she skated a bit.

So now we have David and David, who couldn’t be more different. David’s a rocker, with an amazing talent to take a song and completely change it up – always with awesome results. I’ve heard it said that David A is a more talented singer, but I beg to differ. If you listen to his performance of “The Music of the Night”, there is no doubt the boy can blow. He has the maturity, soul and talent that I think will not only win him this competition, but turn him into another Chris Daughtry.

David A. no doubt has mad skills. I just don’t think he has the maturity, soul and ingenuity yet that will give him a win, or at the very least success after the show is over. To me, he’s a bit sappy, and way too vanilla. Obviously, the two styles that will be represented are completely relative.

The biggest factor will be the fan base – cool people for David Cook, and pre-pubescent girls for David Archuleta. Here’s to hoping they all get grounded from there cell phones for stealing mom’s credit card…

Someone finally whipped it out...

Once again, tribal council did not fail to entertain. Where to start!? For the third time this season a contestant left the game for medical reasons. I'm sure we all remember Mary - who could forget her psychotic episode on the beach before the nice men in white coats took her away. Then Jonathan's knee got infected from a cut he got at a challenge, and now James' finger sends him packing.

As the last man standing, Erik was definitely getting the proverbial boot. Sadly for the girls, Erik threw a huge wrench in their plans by winning immunity. What to do?! The girls were forced to turn on each other, basically picking the biggest threat, aka the nicest person on the island. Sadly for Amamnda, this dubious distinction fell to her. To top it off, Amanda is sent to Exile Island. She sets out to find the idol, only to find out it's actually buried back at camp. Drats.

Amanda confides in Parvarti she knows where it is, and Parv conspires with Amanda to give her time to find the idol. Last we see before tribal is Amanda starting to dig under the flag.

Come tribal council, Amanda bertated Erik for not helping her out (she had saved his ass earlier in the season). She held hands with Parvarti, and said she knew she was going home. Everyone votes, and then the obligitory question "does anyone have the hidden immunity idol?" comes up. With a smile and a wave of her hand, Amanda says something like "I have that, right here!". With the exception of Parvati, the looks on everyone's faces were priceless. Obviously other tribe members were NOT happy, but the best was the laughing and high-fives going on with the Jury members. Alexis was promptly send packing courtesy of Amanda and Parvarti.

I love it! Amanda has been my favorite for a while, so it was awesome to see her pull it off. You go girl!

Survivor – Giving men a bad name

All I can say is wow – are big boobs really that intoxicating? Of course I am speaking of another male – Jason this week – not playing the coveted hidden immunity idol. He was so suckered in by the women into believing he was safe, he was completely blindsided when sent packing wondering what the hell happened. That’s three men on this season who have made the same mistake.

Personally, I’m baffled. But I must say that it was good TV. If you are stupid enough to make the same mistake 2 others have already made, one right under your nose, you deserve to be bitch-slapped for being stupid. What a tool.

Meanwhile, what is up with these women? Watching Natalie in her interview brought to mind the antics Charles Montgomery Burns, the evil overlord of the The Simpsons. Right down to the creepy twitching of the fingers. Natalie and Parvarti are definitely NOT winning any votes. Quite frankly they’re starting to creep me out. The only one who has not completely gone over to the dark side is Amanda – I think she could take this whole thing.

Sadly however, I don’t think James will be around much longer, so I won’t be able to ogle his fine, fine male physique. Very unfortunate.

American Idol Recap

Can someone explain to me why Brooke White is still on the show? Her performance last night was abysmal, and I swear she's making her outfits from furniture upholstery or curtains. Maybe I should start calling her Scarlet O'Hara. Jason Castro butchered "Memory" - what is going on? With these two awful performances, I'm shocked and awed that Carly was sent home - she did great! I'm pretty sure we have the "tweens" to blame. I'd like to ask every parent with girls between the ages of 6 - 16 to take away their cell phones every Tuesday so this kind of farce won't be allowed to happen again.

Besides, I had picked Brooke White to be voted out in my American Idol bracket, and she has completely screwed my standings. I have a reputation to uphold, Miss Scarlet!! And come on, look at this pic! It looks like those cheesy school photos from the eighties, where you had a clean smiling face on the front, and the same in the background kid looking dreamily towards their next Mad Libs session. She's killin' me here!