Technology At Its Worst

In researching my last post on “Smuggle Truck”, I came across a myriad of wonderful, absolutely awful iPhone apps. It is boggles my mind that this revolutionary technology is being used in such useless, asinine ways. Here are my personal favorites, but there are many, many more out there. I did this in a countdown format to build the excitement...

7. iStrip Pen

This app mimics the same idea behind those risqué, “turn the pen upside down to see a naked lady” novelty pens from the 60’s. The upside? There isn’t one. It costs 99 cents, the graphics are terrible and, this being an official app, it of course features no nudity.

You can probably go down to your local tourist trap souvenir shop and get yourself the real novelty pen for half the price. You might even get to see some skin.

6. iKissMe

Per the developer, "No matter what your love life brings to the table, you will have a big soft pair of lips to kiss whenever you want!" Really?
Dial your preferred kiss type, and iKissMe will reward you with a kiss sound effect when you, yes, kiss your beloved iPhone. And then you have to call it “Precious” or it gets jealous.

To again quote the developer's description, "iKissMe is a great way to practice your kissing skills, or just to bring you up when you're feeling down." For $4.99.

My heart goes out to anyone who finds succor in this app - it's multi-touch narcissistic osculatorial masturbation is at best, unsettling.

5. That’s What She Said

Let’s be honest, we have all chuckled at Michael Scott using this witty comeback in many episodes of “The Office”. At one point this was funny. It still is funny in very small doses. But let’s be honest – anyone buying this app has no intentions of using it in small doses.

I can see the appeal. You’re in the middle of a meeting and your boss sets you up, but you don’t want to be caught saying TWSS. So you press the button and now everyone is giggling, except your boss, who is wondering who said it. Oh yeah, it’s the jackass with the iPhone in his hand.

4. Taxi Hold ‘em

This is a simple application that makes a loud whistling sound and displays an epilepsy-inducing taxi sign to get the attention of nearby cabbies. Of course, it’s a free app, so no harm done, right?

So I imagined myself in Chicago, getting off the subway, and hailing a cab in Ford Heights. I know what you’re thinking - cabbies don’t go to Ford Heights! For purposes of this illustration, let’s pretend they do. I don’t see any cabs (surprisingly), so I take out my trusty iPhone, turn on the bright yellow flashing iPhone which whistles and buzzes, and wave it around in the air.

I don’t think I’ll get the ride I was expecting.

3. Baby Shaker

Baby Shaker turns the revolutionary iPhone motion sensors into a way for the user to torture and silence an animated crying infant on the screen.

One look at the screenshot tells it all. This is just plain awful - and I thought I was a cynical bitch…

2. Hold On!

This application bills itself as one of the ultimate productivity increasers. You press the button and a timer keeps track of how long you keep your finger in place. Huh?

1. HangTime

Flying into first place for the most asinine app of the bunch, HangTime measures just how high you can throw your fancy-schmancy iPhone. That's right: You toss the iPhone up in the air, and the program lets you know how far it goes and how long it takes to come crashing down.

HangTime runs 99 cents, plus the cost of buying a new iPhone when yours inevitably shatters on the ground. WTF?

I probably shouldn't find this funny, but...

For any of us who have iPhones, iTouch, Android, etc., we know the pains of app addiction. I myself have downloaded and deleted more useless apps than I can count. Some are extremely useful, some a lot of fun, and many that are completely useless. This app however, is completely ridiculous.

“TUCSON, Arizona (Reuters) – A controversial iPod and iPad application that makes a game of the perils of sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border has sparked controversy among activists for immigrant rights.

In the game "Smuggle Truck," which is due for release next month, a truck bounces along a cartoon desert highway and sheds men, women and children as it hits bumps and hops over creeks and canyons. The aim of the app is to keep immigrants in the bed of the truck as they speed through the border lands.”. It’s so hilariously awful!

I am not even kidding. I read this and actually laughed out loud at my desk. How ridiculous is that?! Of course immigration activists are all up in arms about it, and I suppose with good reason. Each year hundreds of thousands are arrested as they try to sneak across the border from Mexico, and worse hundreds perish making the trip.

But you have to love the developer’s response to the criticism: "Smuggle Truck was inspired by the frustration our friends have experienced in trying to immigrate to the United States," Smuggle Truck's developer, Boston-based firm Owlchemy Labs, said in a statement posted online. "With such a troublesome issue being largely avoided in popular media, especially video games, we felt the best way to criticize it was with an interactive satire," it added.

Oh, so it’s a “political statement”, is that it? I gotta’ call bullshit.

When I Thought it Couldn't Get Any Worse...

I’m not usually one to harp, but Sarah, you really do drive me to the brink. Not only is she anti-environment, a homophobe, and all-around bitch, she has some very “unique” views on women’s rights.

In her recent book “America by Heart”, Palin clearly expresses disdain for contemporary feminism. In a bizarre leap devoid of logic, she concludes that modern feminism requires women to be dependent on government (of course). She describes modern feminism “Instead of being seen as fully capable of taking care of ourselves, we began to be portrayed as in constant need of protection. In the new feminist vision of America, women are perceived as constant victims of beatings by their husbands, date rape by their boyfriends, and self-induced starvation by society as a whole.”

Really?! Is that how she “perceives” the modern woman? Constant victims who practice self-induced starvation? Gee, there’s someone I want protecting women’s rights in Washington. We’re just poor fragile flowers helpless at the hands of our maniacal male overlords. This bothers me at so many levels I wouldn’t know where to start.

What planet is she living on? And of course, we can blame the liberals for this supposed “perception” of women today. What this woman will say to forward her preposterous political agenda is sickening.

She goes on to smear “liberal feminists” for “trying to convince American women that we are all victims in need of rescue by big government.” Wow - I would never have seen that opinion coming… She then cites a 1993 report which found that Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for domestic violence toward women. Palin claims that the report was false, based on her own “extensive experience” watching the Super Bowl in the presence of men, and claims the entire report to me nothing more than “a myth.” She states “These manipulations (of domestic violence statistics) do more than just serve the big-government agenda of liberal feminists; they serve the anti-woman agendas of tyrannical regimes everywhere.” Of course she does not back up her claim with any data to support this. And who the hell are these “tyrannical regimes”? Liberal women? If that’s the case, I need to start building an army and declare myself supreme ruler. That’s tyrannical regimes do right?

The only other mention in her book about domestic violence in her book is how appalled she is with how Muslim societies treat their women. Way to build bridges, Sarah. And of course, nothing like that ever happens here.
Here’s the most disgusting example of her complete indifference to women’s rights. As Mayor of Wasilla, Palin had approved city budgets stipulating that rape victims be made responsible for the costs of police rape kits collecting DNA evidence against accused rapists. How a woman who could foster such despicable ideology was chosen to represent the GOP in a federal election is disturbing at best.

Every time this woman opens her mouth more bile pours out. I’m sooooo hoping for a hunting accident in the near future.

Death Toll Rises

Not even kidding - just saw an article saying the "serial shark" has been linked to a third victim. The carnage, oh the humanity!

SyFy Channel Smells a Winner!

I came across this story by pure chance, and just couldn’t pass it up. While the main story is tragic, the details surrounding it are just ridiculous.

It’s July 4th weekend in a sleepy little town in Maine, and a safety-minded sheriff and a money-grubbing mayor butt heads on how to handle a recent shark attack. Bureaucracy wins the day, and low and behold someone else becomes human tartar for one of our aquatic neighbors. Panic ensues, slaps are thrown, and inebriated fishermen start bringing in dead sharks by the boatload. The Mayor declares the crisis over and everyone back in the water! And then, you guessed it, more human tartar.

Sound familiar? Fast forward to 12/1/10, Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt. Over the course of two days four tourists were mauled off the coast of a world-renowned snorkeling and diving center, heading into peak season. So the government leapt into action. They closed the beaches for two days, killed two sharks, and sounded the all clear. True to fiction, within 24 hours a woman was killed by a shark while standing in chest-deep water.

The Government’s response? "We did some efforts last week but I think we failed," Salem Saleh, director of the town's Tourism Authority told TIME on Monday. So, you “did some efforts” and “think you failed”? Maybe I’m just slow, but the mangled remains of a German tourist would probably sate my need for further investigation.

When it starts to get a little weird is when investigators determined that the same shark was behind two of the killings – now dubbed the “serial shark” (of course). Apparently, unless you’re in a blockbuster movie and know someone named Quint, this NEVER happens. I wonder if they’ll give him a nickname like “The Red Sea Slasher”, or “The Red Resort Ripper”.

I mean what’s next?! Sharks in Venice? Can you imagine how awful that would be? With all the water and channels and those cute little boats… What a great movie concept! I could ask Stephen Baldwin to star and… wait, never mind.

Egypt has closed the beaches indefinitely. This of course has all the local merchants up in arms. "We're not selling masks or any flippers because the beach is closed," says Bishoy Boutros, whose inventory includes a T-shirt that reads "How 'Bout Lunch?" emblazoned over the picture of a giant shark. Because that’s not inappropriate at all.

Local explanations for the shark surge vary wildly, citing everything from climate change to the de rigueur blaming of all local calamities on alleged Israeli plots. Those Jews are tricky that way, with their trained sharks and everything. My favorite however is the sheep hypothesis. Last month, Muslims celebrated Islam's Feast of the Sacrifice, during which it is traditional for each family to slaughter a sheep - and the extra demand requires that many more sheep are imported. Ships transporting sheep were discovered to have dumped carcasses in the area, possibly drawing sharks to the area.

Perhaps it’s time to retire the ‘ole sheep slaughtering tradition, and stick with lamb chops.

Glenn Beck - Showing us the "Real" Truth

Thank God for Glen Beck for showing us the light. Apparently, the impoverished citizens of our country aren’t really poor. They are just greedy bastards trying to get free shit. He has debunked the vast conspiracy that the poor and homeless are really poor and homeless. Evidently they have chosen a life of scrounging food for their children, watching their homes go into foreclosure, and sleeping in the streets.

Who is this asshole? What is he thinking? According to Beck, “When you get things for free you don’t appreciate them.” and “We shouldn’t begrudge millionaires or billionaires.”

So by his logic, those in dire need of public aid don’t appreciate it, and therefore shouldn’t get it. They just get their welfare checks, and giggle all the way to bank because they have pulled one over on the government. Really?! Is he aware that the poverty level is expected to reach at or near 15% of the population, and 20% of children will be living in poverty? Is he aware that in some parts of the country 1 out of 78 homes are facing foreclosure? It’s funny how these facts weren’t mentioned in his verbal manifesto. I wonder if he enjoys living in a crazy right-wing fantasy world like something out of a dystopian novel.

Then again, why shouldn’t he defend the rich? In April 2010, Forbes calculated Beck's earnings for the previous year (March 2009 - March 2010) to be $32 million. This jackass lives in a 6-bed, 7-bath, 6,346 sq ft mansion purchased for $4.25M, according to public records. I mean look at this place! Who the hell is he to even have an opinion on the subject?

Beck goes on to attack this “plague on society” - “We’re often told about the plight of the poor in America, and there is poverty in America, but let’s put it into perspective here. The poor in America 97% of them have television sets, 25% of those television sets are big screens. That’s poverty? 89% have a microwave. 80% have an air conditioning unit. 73% of the poor in America have a car. 64% have a washer. 57% of them have a dryer.” He goes on to say “I got news for you in other countries they’re not washing their clothes and sitting in air conditioning watching their big screen TV’s. They’re dying. That is poor.”

Luxuries like hair dryers and washers – these people should be ashamed of themselves! So what is he saying go big or go home? If you’re going to be poor you had better be living in a cardboard box? The nerve of these people, washing their clothes and not dying…

Two million Americans are set to lose their unemployment benefits by Christmas, while Glenn Beck tells us why millionaires and billionaires deserve more tax cuts. America is on pace for a record increase in poverty. According to Glenn, however, they’re just faking.

Merry fucking Christmas, asshole.

Evolution Gone Horribly Wrong

A friend of mine sent me these disturbing photos illustrating some alarming similarities between some of pop culture’s most infamous characters and their eerily similar look-alikes. Some paleontologists are calling this “irrefutable evidence” that evolutionary mutations are in fact a reality, and in some cases still haunt the human race today.

In this photo we see Hillary Clinton next to a Velociraptor, long thought to have died out during the Cretaceous period. However we see here a striking similarity between the two, particularly in the attack position seen here in both photos. Considering this new evidence of Mrs. Clinton’s apparent ancestors, we can now begin to understand the analagous behavior patterns.

While purported to be fictional, this picture of “Chucky” of Hollywood fame bears an uncanny resemblance to American Idol’s Clay Aiken. Mr. Aiken, long thought to be a shy & retiring “cub” of the gay community, apparently has quite anefarious family history. This disquieting likeness begs the question, what really happened after “Bride of Chucky” ended production? Disturbing.

This next comparison shows Michael Jackson, long known as “The King of Pop”, next to a bust of an Egyptian pharaoh. Could it be that Michael Jackson was the descendant of this ancient king/god? Note the inimitable semblance, particularly in the nose. Both are grossly deformed, & both appear to be wearing copious amounts of cosmetics. It certainly gives one pause.

Lastly, we have Flava Flav and “Stripe” from the popular eighties film “Gremlins”. Again though "professed" to be fictional, Stripe was an extremely violent and angry little monster, not unlike Flava Flav himself. Was Stripe really fictional, or could this be, dare I say it, the creature directly responsible for Mr. Flav’s very being? The likeness, particularly in the teeth, certainly begs the question. This could actually be the creature responsible for the horror, otherwise known as “Flavor of Love”.

Evil, it seems, continues to persevere.