A whole new level...

First of all, please let me apologize for my absence. I just made a huge move accross the country and have had my hands a bit full. The good news is, how much crap has happened in the meantime to make fun of.

So this post I'm dedicating to Playboy and their innovative new marketing ploy - tits in 3-D. That's right, as of May 11 you can now see huge centerfold boobs floating in the air in front of you. The magazine comes prepackaged with a set of those cheesy red and blue paper glasses to make all of your masturbatory dreams come true.

I'm just picturing this scenario - some loser, eating Cheetos, sporting orange genetalia and a pair of 3D glasses, in a beanbag, with a copy of Playboy. Yikes.

Ick even.

Like porn isn't seedy enough, Playboy feels the need to up the ante with floating nipples. I'm just picturing beanbag guy grabbing at the air like someone who just had a flash go off in his face.

I mean I get it - I understand porn has it's uses. But this seems a bit much - it's like marajiuana, the nefarious "gateway drug". What's next?! It's madness I tell you - madness!

So ladies, if you see those glasses at your man's house, be warned... And check the pantry for Cheetos.

Oh, Canada...

So the Olympics have finally begun - yay! Canada, sadly, doesn't have nearly as many ridiculable qualities as China. However after watching the opening ceremonies, I'm beginning to wonder.

Don't get me wrong - I have Canadian friends, I love their health care system, and the people there are as friendly as they come. I love our "Neighbors to the North" as Canadians are so fondly known in the U.S., no matter what South Park says.

But those opening ceremonies - yikes. And I know, "if you don't have anything nice to say..." but what's the fun in that? My answer to that? "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me".

First of all, I now know who stole that polar bear off my lawn around Christmas. I was horrified to see it brought out in all it's glory at the opening ceremonies. And now the poor thing is being dismantled somewhere in British Columbia like so much garbage. Oh, the humanity! I'm seriously thinking about putting together a rescue mission to bring him back to his homeland. Bring him home roam free in the wilds of Springville, UT.

The other thing I want to know is how Frodo Baggins got put in a harness and then flown around the stadium. He looked so confused! I really felt sorry for the little guy. Apparently his search for the ring has gone horribly wrong, and he has been captured by some creative director in Vancouver - he just didn't have a chance...

There were definitely some cool moments - the whales across the floor were amazing, and I always appreciate the recognition of native peoples. Even if those 50' statues were a little scary... And K.D. Lang did an amazing job with "Hallelujah" - a beautiful song. Unfortunately, for the first half I thought I was watching Michael Bublé.

My girl Sarah McLaughlin sang - those of you who know me are acutely aware of my undying worship of this amazing singer/songwriter. But "Ordinary Miracle"? I just kept thinking of that cheesy CVS commercial and feminine hygiene products. God bless her.

But let us look at the pièce de résistance, the lighting of the Olympic torch! All I can say is wow, how embarrassing. One of the 4 arms that was supposed to comprise the 5 part phallic symbol that was to comprise the torch, well, broke. I'm just picturing some ex-lumberjack in a plaid, ear-flapped hat cranking wildly in vain, now forever marked as they guy who fucked up the Olympics. It's ok bro, we all make mistakes - though usually not in front of hundreds of millions of people.

The Parade of Nations was fabulous as usual - booing all the commies (and France) and cheering on our national heroes. Some of those outfits though - yikes. Shame on you Czech Republic! Check out the pants on these guys. I think I dated a body builder who had a pair these in 1991.

Overall, kudos Canada. For the most part, there's nothing not to like. It's a beautiful country with wonderful people, who didn't feel the need to spend the GNP of South America to open the Olympics. And that's okay, we still love you.

But I'm coming for my bear.

Scary Sights and Dark Secrets

Many years ago, I stumbled upon a scene that has been burned into my memory, filed under "Thing's I'd Like to Unsee". It started innocently enough, 3rd or so date with a relatively cute guy, Ravinia, copious amounts of wine...

However, after he "ssshhhhh'd" me for singing to the radio, insinuated my home town was a Mecca for white trash, and then brought me back to his place for a review of his porno collection (which he'd "conveniently" left out), I'd had about enough. So after patiently waiting in this douchebag's living room for him to shower and change for two hours, I got a anxious. So I wandered down the hall figuring he MUST be almost ready. That's when I saw this guy, door wide open, butt-ass naked, and well how do I say it... Trimming the verge?

Needless to say I was mortified, and quietly backed down the hall. I then curled into the fetal position and went to my happy place, wondering if there was a way to surgically remove memories.

Much to my surprise, there is actually a name for this - "Manscaping". And evidently it is a little known part male hygiene rituals around the globe. I can't believe this is the first I'm hearing about this! Am I the only chick not in the know?

I mean it's a well known fact that us ladies are known, even expected to keep our business in order, but I never guessed this was a priority for members of the opposite sex.

According to my source however (who will not be named, as I fear for his safety), ther is another, darker motive behind this ritual. It's like this ladies - your prize roses look a lot bigger when you keep the grass cut.

We are being duped! That's right, that well hung hottie you're so proud of is nothing but smoke and mirrors (and hair clippers). Ah, hell. Maybe I should give them credit for taking an interest in enhancing their assets. Lord knows women shell out billions every year to do just the same thing. But at least were out in the open about it... Who knew?

At least now I know the truth - 8 in inches my ass...

Why I'll be Shopping at Target

Something is rotten in the state of North Carolina, or at least in Forsyth County. Apparently the number of cases of Syphilis has actually trippled in this area since January.

In an effort to stamp out the scourge, health workers from that county spent a recent weekend canvassing neighborhoods, asking people to get tested for syphilis and HIV in exchange for a $10 Walmart and McDonald's gift cards. And here I thought Walmart didn't care.

Pundits are blaming it on the recession - I guess if people can't work, they screw. Icky.

My advice? If your looking to meet that special someone, I'd steer clear of Walmart. And anyone sporting Wrangler jeans and a Carolina Panthers t-shirt.

And these guys too for that matter. That whole pic just screams venereal disease.

I know where I won't be going on my next vacation...

Not to Say I Told You So...

More bad news on the coming Apocalypse. You may recall my previous post "Here's a Conspiracy For You", which outlined the terrorist plot of snakes around the world trying to take over.

Six African rock pythons, an aggressive species that can grow up to 20 feet long, have been discovered in Florida since 2002, including a pregnant female and two hatchlings. Large and vicious, African rock pythons are known to eat alligators and to humans. There's a new sheriff in town, and it makes Wyatt Earp look like Tinkerbell.

With the addition of the African rock python, Florida is now playing host to three non-native constrictors, including the Burmese python and the boa constrictor. While the Burmese python and boa constrictor are considered fairly mild mannered unless they are hungry, African rock pythons are said to exist in a permanent bad mood and will strike with little provocation. Oh, and females lay about 100 egg at a time. These animals have been found with everything from alligators to adult human males in their stomachs. And apparently, they've set their sights on North America. I mean, look at that thing!

What kills me are these people who continue to breed and nurture what seems to be evolving into one of The Four Horsemen. Last week, authorities seized a 400-pound, 18-foot-long Burmese python from a home near Lake Apopka. The giant snake belonged to the brother of Melvin Cheever, who began caring for it after his sibling moved out of state. He said he had fed the snake seven rabbits earlier in the day and that the python was very docile. Very docile indeed...

I also included a pic of some good samaritan who is raising a few of these lovely creatures. Look, a water bowl and everything. How sweet.

What the hell is going on?! Did Keeping up with the Kardashians finally send Mother nature over the edge? I thought maybe we had saved ourselves by getting the Republicans out of power, but apparently, too little, too late.

How Cool is This?

So check it out - I'm posting this from my iPhone on Wordpress. How cool is that?!

Being born in 1970, I was raised on 3 TV channels and rotary phones. When UHF came on the scene, it was like a whole new world opened up to us. Mostly because we now had access to "Son of Svengoolie" on Saturday afternoons (it's a Chicago thing). It was pure bliss.

From an information standpoint, we had to use Encyclopedias - can you imagine? Books of all things! Crazy, I know.

I guess as an "old person" sometimes it still blows my mind how things have progressed on the last 40 years. And I'm totally psyched I can post from my phone!

Now if I can only learn to type with two thumbs...

-- Post From My iPhone

Cashing In On A Nightmare

As the world knows, yesterday we lost two pop icons that will be sorely missed - Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. I'm not writing to extol their many talents and virtues, I just have to vent on the media circus, the ringleader being TMZ.

I check their site from time to time to get fodder for my blog (see Phil Spector's Undead Lineage below), and they do have some interesting stuff. But oh my God the crap on Michael Jackson that is flowing off their pages is unbelievable. It's like the RSS feed from hell - here's the rundown ala TMZ (and watch the time stamps - insane):

4:30 PM - Michael Jackson -- Cardiac Arrest
5:20 PM - Michael Jackson Dies
6:00 PM - Michael Jackson's Doc Speaks on Death
6:10 PM - Mother of Jackson's Kids Reacts
6:15 PM - Al Sharpton -- Pray for Jacko - Give me a break...
6:17 PM - The Hulk in Shock Over Jacko's Death - Lou Ferrigno???
6:20 PM - Quincy Jones -- I've Lost My Little Brother
6:20 PM - Recording Academy on MJ -- 'True Musical Icon'
5:25 PM - Jacko's Ex Publicist Goes Off on Michael - Nice...
6:27 PM - Tito Filled With Regret
6:30 PM - Jacko's Mom Arrives at Hospital - Still calling him "Jacko"???
6:37 PM - Elton John Sings for Michael Jackson - If Elton's involved, we better start calling him Michael I guess...
6:45 PM - La Toya Races to Her Brother's Side
7:11 PM - Jacko's Death Grinds the Internet to a Halt - Um, I'm pretty sure I had access last night...
7:13 PM - Michael Jackson Dies -- Celebs Go to Twitter
7:15 PM - People Paying Homage to Wrong Star- Don't ask...
7:30 PM - Michael Jackson's Autopsy Expedited - Corpse watch begins.
7:33 PM - Corey Feldman -- Jackson Was My 'Idol' - OMG who cares!
7:35 PM - Jackson Danced and Sang Last Night
8:46 PM - Liz Taylor -- 'Too Devastated' to Comment
9:15 PM - John Landis Calls the Man He Sued 'Tragic' - Whatever dude.
9:30 PM - Van Halen Heartbroken Over Jackson
9:31 PM - Michael Jackson's Body Transported - Corpse watch continues.
9:33 PM - Jermaine -- They Tried to Revive for an Hour
9:34 PM - Michael Jackson -- Remember the Time....
9:45 PM - Jackson's Body Arrives at Coroner's Office - More corpse watch.
10:20 PM - La Toya and Katherine Jackson -- Faces of Pain - Real nice.
10:21 PM - Justin Timberlake -- 'We Have Lost a Genius'
10:22 PM - Flavor Flav Told to Beat It - See below (hehehe)
10:23 PM - Madonna 'Can't Stop Crying' Over Jackson
3:00 AM - Fans Pay Their Respects at MJ's First Home
4:00 AM - Corey Feldman: Man in the Mirror
Paying homage to his childhood pal, Corey Feldman showed up in classic Michael Jackson garb to "Larry King Live" on Thursday. What a douche bag.
8:05 AM - Starline Tourists See Jackson Drama Unfold
A bus full of tourists thought they were driving up a fancy street to look at Michael Jackson's front gate. Instead, they witnessed the last moments of Michael Jackson's life. Nice, huh.
8:54 AM - Jackson's Death -- Demerol OD? - And so it begins...
9:09 AM - Jackson Family Feared Morphine OD
9:56 AM - Jackson Family -- Demerol Shot Caused Death
9:58 AM - Diana Ross -- 'My Heart is Hurting'
10:00 AM - Michael Jackson Doctor -- MIA
10:07 AM - Michael Jackson's Autopsy Has Begun - For God's sake...
11:52 AM - Debbie Rowe - She Gets Custody if She Wants - If she wants?
12:30 PM - Jackson's Missing Doctor ID'd - Get the pitchforks!!!
12:34 PM - Lisa Marie: Michael Said He'd End up Like Elvis - Whatever...
12:45 PM - Emergency Workers Felt Jackson Dead at Scene
1:27 PM - Janet Jackson Arrives in L.A.
2:00 PM - Jackson's Missing Doc To Speak with Cops
2:07 PM - Michael Jackson -- The 911 Call - Listen to the agony!!!

They now are waiting to live stream video from a press conference being held by the LA Country Coroner. Corey Feldman, Lou Ferrigno, Al Sharpton? Really? Though I do think it was hilarious that Flavor Flav was sent packing in front of all the reporters (hehe).

Obviously, this amount of pointless, irrelevant coverage is ridiculous. What I found more horrific are the photos TMZ is posting with each one of these gems. For instance, LaToya Jackson running for the emergency room doors - they not only showed the wide angle shot, but showed it along side a zoom shot of this poor woman's face trying to see exactly how devastated she was.

As far as the pictures of Michael, it's like they made it their mission to find the freakiest looking pics they could possibly find (with very poor resolution I might add). Ugh - give the guy a break. They actually have several pictures of Michael's body being unloaded from the helicopter. Unbelievable.

I also find it interesting how these headlines are developing. They didn't even start using his real name until this morning, option to use "Jacko", a shortened version of "Wacko Jacko", a not-so-nice nickname given to him by the media. And already with the drug allegations. It hasn't even been 24 hours since the man died.

It also saddens me that this whole bizarre spectacle is completely overshadowing the death of Farrah Fawcett, which needs to be recognized. She fought so hard for so long, even documenting her battle for the world to see - no holds barred. Today, it's like "Farrah who?".

I know Michael Jackson was a controversial, to say the least, public figure. But seriously guys, this is ridiculous.