Best Tweets of the Week

I love Twitter - so much stupidity, so little time. Every once in a while though, you get some gems.

Dogs riding ponies, rhinos & unicorns? It must be a Senate hearing on Big Oil. - Huffington Post.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/big-oil-tax-breaks-debate_n_861511.html

God bless those zany Texans.

Osama bin Laden to al-Qaeda: 'Don't bother assassinating Joe Biden' – Telegraph Blogs http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tobyharnden/100087782/osama-bin-laden-to-al-qaeda-dont-bother-assassinating-joe-biden/

Poor Joe – always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

EPA: Chicago River Must Be Clean Enough For Swimming
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/13/chicago-river-must-be-cle_n_861559.html

Now that’s funny.

Rewriting History - Huckabee Style

You have to check out this "cartoon" that Mike Huckabee has produced to ahem, educate, today's youth. Mr. Huckabee (shown here with his favorite handpuppet) has launched a new initiative designed to give our misguided youth a more positive outlook on the motherland, called "Learn Our History". Per Huckabee, "America's youth aren't excited about our past because they're being taught history in a way that minimizes what has made America a beacon of hope around the world for over 200 years. Instead, history lessons today often focus on America's faults,". Faults? What faults?

With excerpts like "Show those Germans and Japanese the power of America." and "You can see that every American pulled together to win this war. Even the gals were in on it. You go, girl.", it almost reads like a "Handbook for the Mondern Militia Man".

My personal favorite is the Regan piece. Apparently he was sent to us by God - I had no idea! Apparently Reganomics was nothing less than a gift from The Almighty himself.

This is just so awful - a must see.

Support for the Under-Appreciated Homophobe

As we all know, bullying has been getting a lot of media attention as of late. Horrible stories of children being beaten, verbally abused and openly humiliated by their peers are making headline news. And it’s about friggin’ time in my opinion. Adults around the country are horrified by these stories and condemn them openly – you’d be a monster not to, right?. Apparently however, The Christian right has identified a group of kids and young adults who have it coming.

Today, students across the country will take a vow of silence to protest anti-gay bullying and harassment in schools. The Day of Silence, an annual event organized by GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network), is meant to draw attention to the "silencing effects" of anti-gay harassment and name-calling in schools and to be a way for students to show their solidarity with students who have been bullied.

But thank God for the religious right for being the voice of reason. Not only are the protesting the Day of Silence, they are calling for boycotts on schools that are allowing students to participate. The most egregious of them all, “Focus on the Family”, launched a counter-attack called "Day of Dialougue". This “social awareness” event tells students to tell their classmates “what the Bible really says”. They have actually designed “conversation cards” to arm these students against the big bad gay kids and even their gay-perceived peers. I hate those effeminate little punks, being all "well-dressed" and such. It's an affront to God I tell you.

The "Day of Dialogue," with its playful logo and friendly marketing materials is meant to help "people who messed up sexually." per Jeff Johnston, an “ex-gay” activist. Candi Chushman, FOTF education analyst calls it “homosexuality lessons”. They are also claiming that these anti-gay bullying events are actually a form of undercover “homosexual indoctrination”. Those gays are so sneaky! They’ve been after me for years with their so-called messages of “love” and “tolerance”. Bastards.

Another absurd claim these activists often add is that anti-bullying programs that include the recognition of anti-gay bullying amount to "special rights" for LGBT students, leading to what Cushman calls "reverse discrimination" against Christian students. Um, so they should be bullied just as much as the God-abiding straight kids? One of the organization’s leaders went so far as to say anti-gay bullying programs are a "homo-fascist tactic to stifle any dissent". Homo-fascist. Yikes.

In order to protect their little homophobe prodigies with baseball bats, religious right leaders have claimed that the gay rights movement, and young gay people themselves, are responsible for anti-gay harassment and the high suicide rate among gay youth. According to The Family Research Council's Tony Perkins, gay teens may be led to suicide because they "recognize intuitively that their same-sex attractions are abnormal." Surely it can’t be the endless harassment and constant humiliation from their peers and religious fanatics.

That would be just silly.

Jackass of the Week

In order to stay current with the intellectually-challenged, I'm introducing "Jackass of the Week". Just a microcosm of the dumbassedry alive in the world today. How fitting that Glenn Beck is my first guest!

Snakes Enter Next Phase of Invasion

Many have mocked, many have scoffed, but it appears there may be some credence to my claim that snakes are in fact, planning to take over the world.

I first raised the alarm in April of 2009 of this disturbing trend, in "Here's a Conspiracy For You". I cited the alarming increase of the python infestation in Florida, as well as an incident in Australia that was somewhat disarming. September of the same year in "Not To Say I Told You So...", I wrote about a startling recent influx of the Rock Python - a much more aggressive breed. I now have two words for you – Egyptian Cobra.

On Friday, March 25, an Egyptian Cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo.

There are many theories how this icon of evil escaped its less-than-friendly confines at the Bronx Zoo. I however have no doubts about the specifics around the so-called “escape”.

As you may recall, pythons have been known to travel distances of up to 43 miles in their lifetimes. With 1,200 miles to New York, it would take less than two months for a snake and it’s progeny to hit paydirt.

So it appears that the Cobra, aided by her minions, has been set free to lead her followers in the final assault against mankind. As we speak, the invertebrates of the world are rallying around their leader, planning for the inevitable.

The zoo is now claiming the snake has been recovered, but I’m not buying it. Obviously, the snakes have gotten to the press.

The leader of the coming apocalypse is still out there, planning.

Technology At Its Worst

In researching my last post on “Smuggle Truck”, I came across a myriad of wonderful, absolutely awful iPhone apps. It is boggles my mind that this revolutionary technology is being used in such useless, asinine ways. Here are my personal favorites, but there are many, many more out there. I did this in a countdown format to build the excitement...

7. iStrip Pen

This app mimics the same idea behind those risqué, “turn the pen upside down to see a naked lady” novelty pens from the 60’s. The upside? There isn’t one. It costs 99 cents, the graphics are terrible and, this being an official app, it of course features no nudity.

You can probably go down to your local tourist trap souvenir shop and get yourself the real novelty pen for half the price. You might even get to see some skin.

6. iKissMe

Per the developer, "No matter what your love life brings to the table, you will have a big soft pair of lips to kiss whenever you want!" Really?
Dial your preferred kiss type, and iKissMe will reward you with a kiss sound effect when you, yes, kiss your beloved iPhone. And then you have to call it “Precious” or it gets jealous.

To again quote the developer's description, "iKissMe is a great way to practice your kissing skills, or just to bring you up when you're feeling down." For $4.99.

My heart goes out to anyone who finds succor in this app - it's multi-touch narcissistic osculatorial masturbation is at best, unsettling.

5. That’s What She Said

Let’s be honest, we have all chuckled at Michael Scott using this witty comeback in many episodes of “The Office”. At one point this was funny. It still is funny in very small doses. But let’s be honest – anyone buying this app has no intentions of using it in small doses.

I can see the appeal. You’re in the middle of a meeting and your boss sets you up, but you don’t want to be caught saying TWSS. So you press the button and now everyone is giggling, except your boss, who is wondering who said it. Oh yeah, it’s the jackass with the iPhone in his hand.

4. Taxi Hold ‘em

This is a simple application that makes a loud whistling sound and displays an epilepsy-inducing taxi sign to get the attention of nearby cabbies. Of course, it’s a free app, so no harm done, right?

So I imagined myself in Chicago, getting off the subway, and hailing a cab in Ford Heights. I know what you’re thinking - cabbies don’t go to Ford Heights! For purposes of this illustration, let’s pretend they do. I don’t see any cabs (surprisingly), so I take out my trusty iPhone, turn on the bright yellow flashing iPhone which whistles and buzzes, and wave it around in the air.

I don’t think I’ll get the ride I was expecting.

3. Baby Shaker

Baby Shaker turns the revolutionary iPhone motion sensors into a way for the user to torture and silence an animated crying infant on the screen.

One look at the screenshot tells it all. This is just plain awful - and I thought I was a cynical bitch…

2. Hold On!

This application bills itself as one of the ultimate productivity increasers. You press the button and a timer keeps track of how long you keep your finger in place. Huh?

1. HangTime

Flying into first place for the most asinine app of the bunch, HangTime measures just how high you can throw your fancy-schmancy iPhone. That's right: You toss the iPhone up in the air, and the program lets you know how far it goes and how long it takes to come crashing down.

HangTime runs 99 cents, plus the cost of buying a new iPhone when yours inevitably shatters on the ground. WTF?

I probably shouldn't find this funny, but...

For any of us who have iPhones, iTouch, Android, etc., we know the pains of app addiction. I myself have downloaded and deleted more useless apps than I can count. Some are extremely useful, some a lot of fun, and many that are completely useless. This app however, is completely ridiculous.

“TUCSON, Arizona (Reuters) – A controversial iPod and iPad application that makes a game of the perils of sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border has sparked controversy among activists for immigrant rights.

In the game "Smuggle Truck," which is due for release next month, a truck bounces along a cartoon desert highway and sheds men, women and children as it hits bumps and hops over creeks and canyons. The aim of the app is to keep immigrants in the bed of the truck as they speed through the border lands.”. It’s so hilariously awful!

I am not even kidding. I read this and actually laughed out loud at my desk. How ridiculous is that?! Of course immigration activists are all up in arms about it, and I suppose with good reason. Each year hundreds of thousands are arrested as they try to sneak across the border from Mexico, and worse hundreds perish making the trip.

But you have to love the developer’s response to the criticism: "Smuggle Truck was inspired by the frustration our friends have experienced in trying to immigrate to the United States," Smuggle Truck's developer, Boston-based firm Owlchemy Labs, said in a statement posted online. "With such a troublesome issue being largely avoided in popular media, especially video games, we felt the best way to criticize it was with an interactive satire," it added.

Oh, so it’s a “political statement”, is that it? I gotta’ call bullshit.