Excuse Me, President Perry

Every day we hear some new crazy quote. Some ridiculous ideology. Some new incredulous sound byte coming from Rick Perry. We all get on Twitter, our blogs, Facebook, etc. and make our quips, rant and rave and share our opinions that collectively come down to this: Rick Perry is a nightmare waiting to happen.

It occurred to me recently that I’ve never really thought about what life would be like under Rick Perry. If, by some unthinkable happenstance, he got everything he wanted, it’s nothing short of terrifying.

To get an overview of where Mr. Perry falls on the evil-meter, here’s a list of Federal laws and programs he has called “unconstitutional” (in alpha-numeric order):

- The 17th Amendment
- Child Labor Laws
- Civil Rights Protections
- Environmental Protection Agency
- Medicaid
- Medicare
- Minimum Wage
- Public Schools
- Social Security
- Student Loans

So what are the implications, and is there be an ulterior motive behind his ideologies? Yes, and yes.

Prayer would not only be allowed, but possibly required in public schools. Would Muslim and Jewish children be forced to swear devotion to Jesus Christ? Parents would be pulling their children out of school faster than you can say “big oil”. Evolution would be presented as some crackpot theory. Then there’s that pesky little business about separation of church and state. Of course he can always fall back on his guiding principal, “it’s unconstitutional”.

If he really had his way, public schools would be a thing of the past, being unconstitutional and all.

As for higher education (assuming you somehow get your child through primary school), he has declared student aid staples such as Pell Grants and student loans, you guessed it, “unconstitutional”. He defends his position with “the government doesn’t have a role in your children’s education”. I think what he means here is the government shouldn’t have to pay for it.

So the next generation, widely uneducated, will be prime candidates for low-income jobs, crime, and poverty, further widening the class gap at a geometric rate. Which, of course, works out beautifully for his wealthy constituents. And we all know about his “no-tolerance” policy on crime. Off with their heads!

Perry has also made no bones about his avid opposition to assisting his fellow countrymen in need. In 2010, he even toyed with the idea of pulling Texas out of the Medicaid program. He gave up on the idea when the state comptroller informed him that it would bankrupt the state. That said, what effect would slashing Medicaid do to an entire nation? And yes, that photo was taken in Texas.

He has also stated that “laws protecting civil rights are unconstitutional”, except for those barring racial discrimination. So are we going to start deciding whose civil rights deserve protection and whose don’t? That seems a bit, well, unconstitutional.

Then there are his religious views, which make a strong showing in many of his policies. Personally, I think it’s nothing but a way provide logic to his insane ideologies - it‘s all “God‘s will“, not because he‘s out of his mind. If we just pray harder, our economic and social problems will get better. Along with his ridiculous policies of course. Regarding the massive oil spill in the Gulf Coast, he commented “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” – C’est la vie…

For me, the scariest of all is Perry’s stance on environmental protection, or lack thereof. Perry calls climate science “a secular carbon cult”, that invents data to prove global warming exists. Pretending global warming doesn’t exist dovetails nicely with the booming TX oil empire in his home state.

In June, Perry signed a largely symbolic bill that allows Texas companies to continue producing incandescent light bulbs banned by the EPA, as long as they are sold within the state. Additionally, Texas is the only state that has refused to put in place the EPA's new rules regulating carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases.

I mean if it was wrong, God would let someone know.

Rewriting History - Huckabee Style

You have to check out this "cartoon" that Mike Huckabee has produced to ahem, educate, today's youth. Mr. Huckabee (shown here with his favorite handpuppet) has launched a new initiative designed to give our misguided youth a more positive outlook on the motherland, called "Learn Our History". Per Huckabee, "America's youth aren't excited about our past because they're being taught history in a way that minimizes what has made America a beacon of hope around the world for over 200 years. Instead, history lessons today often focus on America's faults,". Faults? What faults?

With excerpts like "Show those Germans and Japanese the power of America." and "You can see that every American pulled together to win this war. Even the gals were in on it. You go, girl.", it almost reads like a "Handbook for the Mondern Militia Man".

My personal favorite is the Regan piece. Apparently he was sent to us by God - I had no idea! Apparently Reganomics was nothing less than a gift from The Almighty himself.

This is just so awful - a must see.

Get Your Violins Ready...

Oh, where to begin. Let me premise this article with the fact that I am in fact watching this show - it's entirely too good to pass up. The nightly competition show is held in the Costa Rican jungle, with pseudo-celebrities vying for crappy rewards and money for their favorite charities. The grand prize you ask? Coronation as King or Queen of the Jungle. Wow.

On Monday's debut, the main focus was on Heidi whining and Spencer throwing temper tantrums. Sadly, no one was eliminated. Co-host Damien Fahey told the audience at the top of the show "The only thing that's certain is, YOU are in control of their lives,". Promises, promises.

Here is a line-up of the “celebrities”:

- Stephen Baldwin, actor, kind of. I like Stephen. He was on fringe of the “Brat Pack” of the 1980’s (Julia Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, Emilio Estevez, etc.), and I loved him in Flatliners. He had a run of horrible movies, gained some weight, became a born again Christian, and is now running the celebrity game-show circuit. No surprises here.
- Torrie Wilson, pro wrestler, token hot blonde.
- Patti Blagojevich, former IL first lady and second choice from her husband Rob, the former Governor of Illinois. Rod was NBC’s first choice, however a judge ruled he could not leave the country as he is currently under indictment for what has been called a “corruption crime spree“. I would’ve given anything to see him on this show…
- Spencer and Heidi Pratt, America’s favorite douchebag and his charming wife from “The Hills” .And may I say, they are certainly living up to their namesakes.
- Sanjaya Malakar, the bane of existence for “American Idol” fans everywhere.
- John Salley, former NBA pro and “TV Personality” (whatever the hell that means)
- Janice Dickinson, a case-study in cougarism with very large lips and has something to do with modeling
- Francis Collier and Angela Shelton, comedic duo ”Frangela”. Never heard of them, but probably the most non-annoying humor on the show.
- Lou Diamond-Phillips, actor, with apparently very little to do or a bad coke habit which needs to be fed. I mean WTF Lou? You’re better than this!!

And so the drama begins. Wanna-be socialite Heidi Pratt is seen on Monday wondering aloud, "Is that a REAL monkey?". Heidi apparently is not cut out for jungle life. So traumatized was Ms. Pratt in a moment of desperation she cried out "This is just almost borderline real torture. Like I would do to al-Qaida." Wow. Really?

The couple has repeatedly threatened to leave the show. Sadly for us they keep coming back - kind of like herpes outbreaks. After coming back on one occasion and finding the others had plundered their belongings in their absence, Spencer went ballistic. "Where does it end?! Where does it end?!" he railed. Heidi commented “I’m just praying to be nice to someone who was so horrible to me and vandalized my hair product.”

Spencer was also very interested in Patti‘s Husband‘s legal woes. He did comment however, "Just so you know, when I met him, I was like, this is who I would have voted for the president of the United States of America." Then Patti clasped hands with Spencer and Heidi, who led them in prayer: "I pray that the truth will be revealed. I pray that he will triumph ..." At this point I vomited in my mouth a little.

Then after Spencer was baptized in the river by Stephen Baldwin (oh, I know…) Spencer and Heidi told their costars on Tuesday's show that they were leaving for good. "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi," Spencer said. "I'm too rich and too famous," he told the other contestants.

Bitch please…

Last night however they were back, begging for forgiveness and wanting back in the jungle. According to Heidi, Satan made them make a bad decision, and now they’re back. It’s such a train wreck, but somehow I can’t look away…

Eight Levels of Hell

Look up “media whore” in the dictionary, and there you will find a picture of Ms. Nadya Suleman. Yes, the infamous Octomom. I really tried to stay away from this one in order not to perpetuate the ridiculousness of Octomom-o-Mania, but the headline I saw today just pushed me over the edge.

Ms. Suleman is seeking to trademark her media nickname, "Octomom,". On Friday, Suleman, 33, filed two applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to officially - and exclusively - own the moniker. She wants to use the nickname on a line of disposable diapers, dresses, pants, shirts and textile diapers.

What I think she’s missing here is the connotation that her nickname has come to represent. “Octomom” = “Crazy-Ass Bitch”. I mean who would want “Crazy-Ass Bitch” embroidered on little Ashley’s onesies?

And if you think that’s a ridiculous, check out this shit - She also wants to use it for a TV variety show. And apparently she is close to signing a TV reality show deal. Whatever station picks this up will be not only blocked from my TV, but will also be subject to ongoing harassment through this blog (that’ll scare ‘em!). I got $50 bucks on CMT.

I have so many issues with this woman I don’t even know where to start. Inadequately caring for the children she has, even thinking it’s a good idea to have another baby with no job or a home of her own, getting in-vitro with an absurd amount of embryos, having eight babies in addition to the 6 she already can’t take care of, giving some internet rag free-run of her house and children, firing the voluntary health-care workers given to her, and now a clothing line and a reality TV series to exploit the entire clusterfuck.

I really, really wish she would just go away. If I see her on the Today show again I’m driving to NY and personally bitch-slap Matt Lauer.

What Were They Thinking!

Here are a few of my favorite celebrity pics from over the last year I thought I’d share. It’s always fun to mock those with much more money than myself. Besides, you leave the house looking like this, you deserve, nay, are begging to be ridiculed.

Tina Turner. I have 2 things to say about this look – “butter-face”, and “double-bagger”. While yes, everything under the turkey neck is in relatively decent shape, my God woman. Of course, we are all getting older. However, wearing costumes made for someone half your age, and a wig straight from a drag queen’s closet is not the best way to keep one’s self looking youthful and un-pathetic.

Alexis Arquette.
Speaking of drag queens… Although since her surgery in the 90’s that’s technically no longer a factual statement. This is one of the most frightening images I’ve seen all year. I think this image speaks for itself, and will most likely be burned into your memory for some time to come. Little known fact on Alexis – she played the hilarious Boy George fanatic in “The Wedding Singer” who played “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” over and over – she was hilarious! She probably would’ve been better off with that outfit than the one in this pic… Yikes.

Chaka Khan. Oh Chaka Khan, I feel for you. Whoever let you walk out on stage looking like the evil twin of the Michelin Man should be tried for crimes against the entire fashion community. Can this even be considered apparel? I mean WTF?

Tori Amos. What the hell happened? I thought she was a relatively young, hip contemporary artist. She looks like Teri Garr on acid! The hair resembles my old Raggedy-Ann doll sans braids. And that outfit – wow. Not only is it horrific, it makes her look huge! It looks like she’s on her way to a Star Trek Convention. And those boots, or whatever they are, I don’t even know where to start. Whoever sold her on this outfit has a really sick sense of humor.

Bill Tweed Revisited

Chicago. Place of my birth, home of the Bears, pizza to die for, and Senate seats up for bid. What more could you ask for?

Rod Blagojevich, as most of you have heard by now, has been caught on tape saying he wanted "to make money'' on the Obama senate appointment. "I have got this thing and it's [bleeping] golden," . It’s good to be king I guess.

And now Jesse Jackson Jr. is coming forward as the infamous "Senate Candidate 5", whose aide approached Blagojevich with a 500K offer for the seat. More shocking however, is that apparently in the past few years he’s been working as an informant in other investigations into Blagojevich. Personally, I’d like that confirmed by the US Attorney’s office.

However Jackson did have a bone to pick with good old Rod. An anonymous Jackson aide said "Blagojevich went out of his way to say, 'You know I was considering your wife for the lottery job and the $25,000 you didn't give me? That's why she's not getting the job,"'. Yikes.

For some reason, to me, the most offensive of all was his attempts to shake down the Tribune Co., threatening to withold the sale of Wrigley Field unless the company fired some of the newspaper's editorial writers who have been less than kind to Blagojevich’s “management style”. Apparently Mr. Blagojevich believes Illinois to be his own little East Berlin.

Al Capone must be rolling over in his grave lamenting “why didn’t I think of that?!” Mario Puzo couldn’t have written it better.

dark night inspires dark tragedy

Mondays are a generally slow night in the peaceful hamlet of Three Rivers, MI. Last Monday however, that peace was woefully shattered by a grisly wake-up call from infamous villain, “The Joker”. The town will never be the same.

Apparently, 20-year old Spencer Taylor thought last Monday would be the perfect opportunity to break out his new “Joker” costume, and wreak havoc on the local movie theater. In his green wig, fancy purple suit, and his face painted as his favorite comic book character (aaawwwww), Mr. Taylor tried to steal movie posters and generally “bust up the place”.

Sadly for Taylor, the 16 year-old girl at the ticket counter felt enough was enough, and restrained him until police arrived. “He kicked and screamed and cried”, said Candy Dofino, “I really felt sorry for the little guy.”

That last part I made up, but I think it’s a funny visual.

Anyhoo, Mr. Taylor has been booked for investigation of larceny and malicious destruction of property. Sorry kid, maybe next time. They may take your freedom, but they can never take your dreams.

Tatum O'Neil "rescued"

Oh Tatum. You can’t take here anywhere! Because apparently she is drawn to homeless drug dealers who want to sell her coke.

What kills me is the ridiculous crap she was spewing trying to squirm her way out of it. First she tried telling the cops who she was, in an effort to use her lackluster star power to get a break. Then she says she was researching a role. Right.

Then she says the death of her dog prompted her to go out looking for drugs. Is that the best she’s got?

Then she goes on “The Early Show” and says that the police officers who arrested her for drug possession actually “rescued” her. What does that mean? She was saved from buying over-cut blow? According to her however, without the cops, she may gone further down the spiral. I think that ship has sailed.

The local bartender was quoted as saying "It doesn't seem like something you would do if you did not want to get caught. Why would she go on the street to score like that?" Well, at least she’s got the local bartender vouching for her. That should go a long way in court.

What you talkin 'bout judge?

Much to my dismay, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price are getting divorced. I know, I know, I'm sure you all have been following this unfolding saga with baited breath, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The couple's shredded nuptials will be brought before Judge Lynn Toler on Fox's "Divorce Court". At least they are using the best of what America's legal system has to offer.

I can't think of anything more ridiculous. It's over Gary. No one cares. Yah, sure you were cute in the late 70's with the ever-endearing "what you talkin 'bout Wills", but those days are gone. This shameless attempt to get some kind of media attention is downright pitiful - one might even call it depressing. But on to the dirt.

Here's a quote from his soon-to-be ex-wife, Shannon Price: "If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does," Price says, according to a transcript of the show obtained by The Associated Press. "He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too." There are also allegations that he physically abused her - I find this baffling. I mean, look at this picture - it seems like one good kick would do the job.

So another fairy tale romance has come to an unseemly end. Word to the wise - If you're thinking to yourselves "oooh, he's back on the market", watch your ankles girls!