Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken

The best movie scene of all time....

Simon's Birthday

Oh my God am I old. Simon Le Bon, former sexpot and Duran Duran front man has turned 50. I thought I was old when “Duran Duran Greatest” came out, but now it’s official. Duran Duran was a main staple at my freshman year dances. And what’s really sad is I remember them like they were last week. And I can’t believe I’m saying “I remember it like it was yesterday”…

How did this happen? Because I don’t remember getting old, I don’t feel old, apparently however my worst fears have come true. Do I have to start buying Metamucil now? Depends, Porcelana, Ben Gay? I’m not ready!

At least some of however know when it's time to hang up the speedos. Yikes.

Pawns and Pasties - oh yeah...

I know I’ve been slacking on my “bizarre websites” series, but this week I found a real gem. The website is the home page for “Coltness Chess and Lap Dance Club”. Yes, you read right. Chess and cheeks – who could ask for more?

Here’s a blurb from their site: “Coltness Chess and Lap Dance Club is a unique concept in entertainment. First established in 1923 the club struggled for many years trying to raise competitive teams with a dwindling membership. In 1998 the newly elected club president, Mike Andover, made radical changes. By combining lap dancing and chess the club was transformed overnight. In its first year of this new format, membership rose from 17 to 203.”

Go figure.

Another endorsement from the site proclaims “The club is also very proud of its dancers. As well as local talent we regularly invite guest dancers from all around the country. We even have celebrity nights and have seen excellent dance routines from the likes of Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson. Each night up to six dancers entertain our players between moves. Chess has never been such fun! Lap Dancing has never required so much concentration.“

This concept is so bizarre – combining the dullest, dorkiest game ever played, with thongs and pasties. However in taking a look at the average chess team, this will probably be the closest that these fine young men will ever come to seeing boobs outside of a TV screen. Bless their hearts.

The site also offers lap dancing tips, puzzles, games, a striptease video, and even a “virtual lapdance” (I was afraid to click on that one).

Who knew? Bobby Fischer, eat your heart out.

Marketing? Deceptive? I don't believe it.

As you all know, the tobacco companies have taking a lot of heat about misleading consumers about the adverse health effects of smoking. Wow is that an understatement.

The Stanford School of Medicine has recently unveiled an exhibit telling the story of how tobacco companies used deceptive and often patently false claims in an effort to reassure the public of the safety of their products.

You have to check this out – unfuckingbelievable. Some of the ridiculous claims in these ads are downright ridiculous.

The ones I've included here are just a few examples. The top pic actually touts cigarettes as an actual remedy for asthma of all things. That's right, asthma. This second one kills me. If you know anything about me, it's that I have a feminist streak a mile wide. It pains me to look at it.

"He's coming home!" Oh dear, I'll put on my best nightgown and do my hair and fix my make up and oh dear do we have enough toilet paper for me to wipe his ass? Ugh...

Circle of Life

Brings a tear to your eye...

McCain's secret plan to save the world

I think I may have judged John McCain unfairly. I’m starting to believe that today’s John McCain is not the tyrannical megalomaniac I have painted him to be. I think John McCain is covertly trying to lose the election, and save us from four more years of corruption and war-mongering.

How, you ask? Meet Gov. Sarah Palin – any presidential candidate’s worst possible choice for VP. Here’s a quick look at her “resume”:

- Ms. Alaska title
- Journalism degree from University of Idaho
- Sportscaster on TV station
- Member of PTA in Wasilla, Alaska, population less than 9,000
- Member of city council in Wasilla
- Mayor of Wasilla, two terms
- Pursued the nomination for Lieutenant Governor, lost
- Won Governorship in Alaska. Less than two years in office

No one in their right mind would want someone this unqualified waiting to step in as president, right?! Surely McCain knows this – which is why he picked her! He must know there is no way he will be elected with this dingbat on his ticket. This way, he can avoid pissing off the GOP, while still delivering this great country of ours into the safe hands of the Democrats.

I mean, here’s a prime example of her ineptitude. She was asked to cite a Supreme Court ruling that she disagreed with, other than Roe v Wade. She could not come up with a single one. Not one. As a Governor, I would think she’d have some idea about this country’s legal evolution. But here’s the real kicker – In May of this year, the Supreme Court refused to act on her own petition to stop polar bears from being added to the endangered species list.

Obviously, you’d think she’d get this one - she wrote brief after brief about it. Apparently, she just froze up. Is that what we can expect of her during international negotiations? Excellent – very reassuring.

The polar bear issue itself also gives us a view of life with Sarah Palin. Some of you may have heard of that pesky “global warming” thing, which right now is melting away the polar bear’s natural habitat. She isn’t even sure that global warming exists at all, and has expressed that if there is any warming, it wasn’t caused by man’s use of fossil fuels. Which is an interesting position to take, as her husband works for British Petroleum. Hmmm. Had her petition succeeded of course, her hubby’s employer would have a lot more land to exploit. Fuck the polar bear.

Anyhoo, I can’t tell you how relieved I am that John McCain is truly the American hero I always thought he was. I had really thought that Mr. McCain had crossed over to the dark side. But now that I know what he’s really up to, I can sleep easier at night. But seriously though, that’s has to be his reason for Palin right? No way he’s dumb enough to pick her and expect to win. That would make him just another ultra-conservative, psychotic GOP clone, wouldn’t it?

Nah.

I'm so outta' here...

Priceless. This is how I imagine Richard Branson as a child.

Losing face

As I’ve said before – I love The Biggest Loser. I love the way it changes peoples lives. I love how they can take a massive lump of human flesh, and turn it into a smokin’ hot adult male. But wow, did they hit a new low last night.

As much as I love the show, there are two things about that have grown increasingly annoying. The first is Allison Sweeny. God is she annoying. She repeats everything at least three times, with obviously contrived interest, and speaks very slowly. As a “famous actress” on “Days of Our Lives” and “Celebrity Mole”, she feels she must take on these characteristics so the cretins she is talking to understand her.

The send is the shameless, brazen product placement. Who walks around the kitchen talking to their friends, “if you use these Ziploc Steam n Lock” bags, you can make your meals for a week. The Ziplock Steam n Lock” backs are perfect for that.” It’s oh, so bad.

Last night however they really stooped to a new low in the drive for ratings. Now, the premise of the show is to lose as much weight as possible. Every week they weigh in, and the 2 married couples/parent-child teams who have gained the least us up for elimination. Everyone else votes, and one team goes home – pretty standard stuff.

Last night they decided that the one and only team who lost the least weight, would have to go back to their rooms and decide which of them will go home. Are you kidding me? So here were with Colleen and here dad Paul, in there room balling there eyes out because neither wants the other to go. Paul FYI, is seriously in the brink of death if he doesn’t lose weight.

Why in God’s name would a show do something like that? I understand it’s a ratings game buy my God, is nothing sacred? It was terrible and shameless. I’ll keep watching because I love the premise, and I love watching these people lose weight and turn their lives around. But shame on these producers – I hate this show.

Have a little self-respect, would ya’ NBC?