Now That's Scary

Kim Kardashian wants to be a vampire. Apparently sucking the intelligence out of already neuron-deprivedminds via reality TV isn’t enough.

Kim is of course referring to the freakishly popular “Twilight” saga, the first installment of which debuted in November 2009. And don’t get me wrong – I LOVE Twilight. A total guilty pleasure, but please, please, please Ms. Meyer, let’s not go there.

In Kim’s classic, elegant style, she was quoted as saying “I would, like, die to be in 'Twilight,'" Kim told PopEater when asked about "the buzz" surrounding her involvement in the series. And then went on to say "Being around all those hot guys. I want to be a vampire! I would be one that was probably nice - no, I kind of want to be evil!" she continued. "I don't know what I'd want to be - just a vampire."
What a fucking dingbat.

A few other scary scenarios include people like Madonna , Vanessa Hudgens, the Jonas Brothers and Drew Barrymoore, who are also “dying” to be in the movies. The Jonas Brothers?!!!? Really?! This is a movie about vampires, werewolves, scary monsters, etc. I could possibly see the scrawny one with the red Liberace hair being a Volturi blood bitch.

When you think of it, the possibilities are endless. I mean think of how awesome it would be to see people like Gary Coleman, Dee Snider, Wayne Newton, or my personal favorite, Rush Limbaugh in a Twilight movie? I think Dick Cheney would be a perfect leader for the Volturi.

One can only dream I suppose.

A great idea gone horribly wrong...

It has recently come to my attention that my favorite television genre, Reality TV, has of late taken on a much, much darker side. Disturbing images from the past that we had all assumed were dead and gone, are now crawling out from the depths and creating their own reality shows. I offer the following examples as a warning to all Reality TV buffs looking for a new fix.

The Two Coreys
This ridiculous time-waster is set around Corey Haim and Corey Feldman trying to kiss and make-up. They will both be starring in Lost Boys 2, and want to make sure they have that “warm fuzziness” back in their relationship before they start shooting. They actually go to a therapist, where we see the disturbing image of Corey Feldman crying over his lost love, Corey Haim. Can’t we all just get along?

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels, former AquaNet king from the eighties hair-band “Poison”, is entering into his 3rd season of his ongoing search for “true love”. Basically, Bret has developed his own version of “The Bachelor”, where he always gets to be the bachelor. As we are going into season 3, so apparently things haven’t gone so well.

This season, he’s going cross-country on his tour bus with a bunch of well, skanks, trying to get in his pants. As you can see by the pic, Bret has great taste in women - so classy! So when he gives them the boot – does he just drop them at the nearest truck stop? Judging by this photo, they'd probably be able to find work pretty quick...

Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant!
That’s right, Scott Baio has his own reality show, and apparently it’s starting it’s second season. Apparently he knocked up his girlfriend and now their getting married. For shame, Chachi, for shame!!

Other media whores/D-listers with their own reality shows
Christopher Knight, Tori Spelling, Dina and Ali Lohan, Brooke Hogan, George Foreman, the entire cast of “The Surreal Life” including Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), Ron Jeremy (porn star – really gross), Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer (WWF Professional Wrestler), Sandy “Pepa” Denton (of Salt n’ Pepa), Bridgette Nielsen, Vanilla Ice, Robin Leach, Emmanuel Lewis (the midget from “Webster”), Andrea Lowell (Playboy model), C.C. Deville (formerly of hair bands Poison and Warrant).

What is going on?! Scott Baio? Emmanuel Lewis? Vanilla Ice for God’s sake?! It’s like a horrible nightmare about being chased by zombies with big hair and royalty checks – they just won’t die! All I’m saying is, be careful out there.

lovesick

Courtney Love has lost her mind. This fact is painfully, excruciatingly, outlined on her MySpace blog located here. Here you can truly experience the psychosis that is Courtney Love.

Here’s an introduction to her alter ego, “Cherry Kookoo”, who seems to be responsible for most of her behavior and inane ranting:

“thank you for putting up with my kookoo bananas alter ego should; we give her a name? shoudl we give my alter ego a name? hmnmmmm Cherry! "Cherry kookoo" so if /when im overcome and blog again wich i wont do i took a picture of a friend looking at me rather sternly to remind me not to- well know it was Cherry Kookoo, but i think I've killed her off.”

Apparently this is what happens when Cherry Kookoo comes out when Courtney is blogging:

“give me My bloody Valentine, Fleetwoood Mac, glasvegas ArcadeFire, Abba, Bread, and Joy Divison, and .....yes could I take one more...the Libertines...oh shit I think CHERRY KOO KOO GET OUT OUT OUT you STUPID BITCH, go POSE FOR THE PAPS, TRY RUNNING NAKED OR SOMETHING!! GOD SHE ='s SUCH A FUCKING PEST , I swear to god, shej's obssessed me!!”

There’s an enormous amount of ranting about all the people who have stolen her money, all the fraud she has been subjected to, the assholes at Experian messing with her credit score, and her credit card bills. She loves to point out that all these bloodsuckers are stealing from “her daughter”, not her. Oh – and it seems she’d like to start a lesbian affair with Gwenyth Paltrow.

It is important to note that I have not edited anything (painful as it was) – I wanted to give you a true taste of Courtney’s mastery of the English (I think) language.

What I can’t stress enough is the pure volume of shit – I think it’s called “diarrhea of the mouth”. It goes on and on and on and on. Kind of like this post. Regarding the sweet pic I found, admittedly, I could’ve picked a better shot. But I think this one really shows her inner beauty. So to sum up, she’s fucking nuts.

Tatum O'Neil "rescued"

Oh Tatum. You can’t take here anywhere! Because apparently she is drawn to homeless drug dealers who want to sell her coke.

What kills me is the ridiculous crap she was spewing trying to squirm her way out of it. First she tried telling the cops who she was, in an effort to use her lackluster star power to get a break. Then she says she was researching a role. Right.

Then she says the death of her dog prompted her to go out looking for drugs. Is that the best she’s got?

Then she goes on “The Early Show” and says that the police officers who arrested her for drug possession actually “rescued” her. What does that mean? She was saved from buying over-cut blow? According to her however, without the cops, she may gone further down the spiral. I think that ship has sailed.

The local bartender was quoted as saying "It doesn't seem like something you would do if you did not want to get caught. Why would she go on the street to score like that?" Well, at least she’s got the local bartender vouching for her. That should go a long way in court.