Friday, April 17, 2009

Here's a Conspiracy For You...

Some of you may have heard by now about the “snake invasion” going on down in Florida. Yes, Burmese pythons have apparently taken over the Everglades, and are currently finalizing plans for their imminent worldwide invasion.

First of all, let’s all take a look at the Burmese Python. They can grow up to twenty feet long, and weigh up to 200 pounds. They eat alligators – that’s right, alligators. This lovely photo is of a python that has just eaten a pregnant sheep. They have tracked snakes that have traveled over 43 miles. Some of these snakes have actually swam from the mainland to the Florida Keys. And to boot, they reproduce like rabbits. They found one python in the Everglades with 85 developing eggs. Current estimates put the population at about 30,000 in the Everglades alone.

Are you fucking kidding me?! 30,000, 20’ long, 200 pound snakes running amuck, and evidently out of room. And apparently, the entire bottom 1/3 of the United States is environmentally sound for python habitation. This is just like that killer bee scare, on a much, much, way fucking much bigger scale.

It’s the next news bit that I came across that has convinced me that the snakes in Florida are, in fact, a sign of The End Times. The snakes of the world are beginning to organize…

MELBOURNE, Australia Four baby pythons escaped from a container aboard a passenger plane in Australia, leading to a search that forced the cancellation of two flights, the airline said Thursday.

(God I love that clip...) When the flight landed, it was discovered that four snakes had escaped from the package, a Qantas spokeswoman said in a statement. A reptile expert searched for the snakes but did not find them. It was not known if the snakes were still on the plane or if they had somehow escaped outside after the plane landed. When the snakes were not found, the airplane was fumigated and it returned to service on Wednesday.

My guess, they’re meeting up with their reptilian cohorts to begin planning their invasion of the land down under. I’m hoping their next target is France.

So all those purses and cowboy boots are finally catching up with us. And Texas, I’m looking at you. So watch your ass, Southfork. It’s payback time.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Eight Levels of Hell

Look up “media whore” in the dictionary, and there you will find a picture of Ms. Nadya Suleman. Yes, the infamous Octomom. I really tried to stay away from this one in order not to perpetuate the ridiculousness of Octomom-o-Mania, but the headline I saw today just pushed me over the edge.

Ms. Suleman is seeking to trademark her media nickname, "Octomom,". On Friday, Suleman, 33, filed two applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to officially - and exclusively - own the moniker. She wants to use the nickname on a line of disposable diapers, dresses, pants, shirts and textile diapers.

What I think she’s missing here is the connotation that her nickname has come to represent. “Octomom” = “Crazy-Ass Bitch”. I mean who would want “Crazy-Ass Bitch” embroidered on little Ashley’s onesies?

And if you think that’s a ridiculous, check out this shit - She also wants to use it for a TV variety show. And apparently she is close to signing a TV reality show deal. Whatever station picks this up will be not only blocked from my TV, but will also be subject to ongoing harassment through this blog (that’ll scare ‘em!). I got $50 bucks on CMT.

I have so many issues with this woman I don’t even know where to start. Inadequately caring for the children she has, even thinking it’s a good idea to have another baby with no job or a home of her own, getting in-vitro with an absurd amount of embryos, having eight babies in addition to the 6 she already can’t take care of, giving some internet rag free-run of her house and children, firing the voluntary health-care workers given to her, and now a clothing line and a reality TV series to exploit the entire clusterfuck.

I really, really wish she would just go away. If I see her on the Today show again I’m driving to NY and personally bitch-slap Matt Lauer.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Now That's Scary

Kim Kardashian wants to be a vampire. Apparently sucking the intelligence out of already neuron-deprivedminds via reality TV isn’t enough.

Kim is of course referring to the freakishly popular “Twilight” saga, the first installment of which debuted in November 2009. And don’t get me wrong – I LOVE Twilight. A total guilty pleasure, but please, please, please Ms. Meyer, let’s not go there.

In Kim’s classic, elegant style, she was quoted as saying “I would, like, die to be in 'Twilight,'" Kim told PopEater when asked about "the buzz" surrounding her involvement in the series. And then went on to say "Being around all those hot guys. I want to be a vampire! I would be one that was probably nice - no, I kind of want to be evil!" she continued. "I don't know what I'd want to be - just a vampire."
What a fucking dingbat.

A few other scary scenarios include people like Madonna , Vanessa Hudgens, the Jonas Brothers and Drew Barrymoore, who are also “dying” to be in the movies. The Jonas Brothers?!!!? Really?! This is a movie about vampires, werewolves, scary monsters, etc. I could possibly see the scrawny one with the red Liberace hair being a Volturi blood bitch.

When you think of it, the possibilities are endless. I mean think of how awesome it would be to see people like Gary Coleman, Dee Snider, Wayne Newton, or my personal favorite, Rush Limbaugh in a Twilight movie? I think Dick Cheney would be a perfect leader for the Volturi.

One can only dream I suppose.