Why I'll be Shopping at Target

Something is rotten in the state of North Carolina, or at least in Forsyth County. Apparently the number of cases of Syphilis has actually trippled in this area since January.

In an effort to stamp out the scourge, health workers from that county spent a recent weekend canvassing neighborhoods, asking people to get tested for syphilis and HIV in exchange for a $10 Walmart and McDonald's gift cards. And here I thought Walmart didn't care.

Pundits are blaming it on the recession - I guess if people can't work, they screw. Icky.

My advice? If your looking to meet that special someone, I'd steer clear of Walmart. And anyone sporting Wrangler jeans and a Carolina Panthers t-shirt.

And these guys too for that matter. That whole pic just screams venereal disease.

I know where I won't be going on my next vacation...

Not to Say I Told You So...

More bad news on the coming Apocalypse. You may recall my previous post "Here's a Conspiracy For You", which outlined the terrorist plot of snakes around the world trying to take over.

Six African rock pythons, an aggressive species that can grow up to 20 feet long, have been discovered in Florida since 2002, including a pregnant female and two hatchlings. Large and vicious, African rock pythons are known to eat alligators and to humans. There's a new sheriff in town, and it makes Wyatt Earp look like Tinkerbell.

With the addition of the African rock python, Florida is now playing host to three non-native constrictors, including the Burmese python and the boa constrictor. While the Burmese python and boa constrictor are considered fairly mild mannered unless they are hungry, African rock pythons are said to exist in a permanent bad mood and will strike with little provocation. Oh, and females lay about 100 egg at a time. These animals have been found with everything from alligators to adult human males in their stomachs. And apparently, they've set their sights on North America. I mean, look at that thing!

What kills me are these people who continue to breed and nurture what seems to be evolving into one of The Four Horsemen. Last week, authorities seized a 400-pound, 18-foot-long Burmese python from a home near Lake Apopka. The giant snake belonged to the brother of Melvin Cheever, who began caring for it after his sibling moved out of state. He said he had fed the snake seven rabbits earlier in the day and that the python was very docile. Very docile indeed...

I also included a pic of some good samaritan who is raising a few of these lovely creatures. Look, a water bowl and everything. How sweet.

What the hell is going on?! Did Keeping up with the Kardashians finally send Mother nature over the edge? I thought maybe we had saved ourselves by getting the Republicans out of power, but apparently, too little, too late.

How Cool is This?

So check it out - I'm posting this from my iPhone on Wordpress. How cool is that?!

Being born in 1970, I was raised on 3 TV channels and rotary phones. When UHF came on the scene, it was like a whole new world opened up to us. Mostly because we now had access to "Son of Svengoolie" on Saturday afternoons (it's a Chicago thing). It was pure bliss.

From an information standpoint, we had to use Encyclopedias - can you imagine? Books of all things! Crazy, I know.

I guess as an "old person" sometimes it still blows my mind how things have progressed on the last 40 years. And I'm totally psyched I can post from my phone!

Now if I can only learn to type with two thumbs...

-- Post From My iPhone

Cashing In On A Nightmare

As the world knows, yesterday we lost two pop icons that will be sorely missed - Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. I'm not writing to extol their many talents and virtues, I just have to vent on the media circus, the ringleader being TMZ.

I check their site from time to time to get fodder for my blog (see Phil Spector's Undead Lineage below), and they do have some interesting stuff. But oh my God the crap on Michael Jackson that is flowing off their pages is unbelievable. It's like the RSS feed from hell - here's the rundown ala TMZ (and watch the time stamps - insane):

4:30 PM - Michael Jackson -- Cardiac Arrest
5:20 PM - Michael Jackson Dies
6:00 PM - Michael Jackson's Doc Speaks on Death
6:10 PM - Mother of Jackson's Kids Reacts
6:15 PM - Al Sharpton -- Pray for Jacko - Give me a break...
6:17 PM - The Hulk in Shock Over Jacko's Death - Lou Ferrigno???
6:20 PM - Quincy Jones -- I've Lost My Little Brother
6:20 PM - Recording Academy on MJ -- 'True Musical Icon'
5:25 PM - Jacko's Ex Publicist Goes Off on Michael - Nice...
6:27 PM - Tito Filled With Regret
6:30 PM - Jacko's Mom Arrives at Hospital - Still calling him "Jacko"???
6:37 PM - Elton John Sings for Michael Jackson - If Elton's involved, we better start calling him Michael I guess...
6:45 PM - La Toya Races to Her Brother's Side
7:11 PM - Jacko's Death Grinds the Internet to a Halt - Um, I'm pretty sure I had access last night...
7:13 PM - Michael Jackson Dies -- Celebs Go to Twitter
7:15 PM - People Paying Homage to Wrong Star- Don't ask...
7:30 PM - Michael Jackson's Autopsy Expedited - Corpse watch begins.
7:33 PM - Corey Feldman -- Jackson Was My 'Idol' - OMG who cares!
7:35 PM - Jackson Danced and Sang Last Night
8:46 PM - Liz Taylor -- 'Too Devastated' to Comment
9:15 PM - John Landis Calls the Man He Sued 'Tragic' - Whatever dude.
9:30 PM - Van Halen Heartbroken Over Jackson
9:31 PM - Michael Jackson's Body Transported - Corpse watch continues.
9:33 PM - Jermaine -- They Tried to Revive for an Hour
9:34 PM - Michael Jackson -- Remember the Time....
9:45 PM - Jackson's Body Arrives at Coroner's Office - More corpse watch.
10:20 PM - La Toya and Katherine Jackson -- Faces of Pain - Real nice.
10:21 PM - Justin Timberlake -- 'We Have Lost a Genius'
10:22 PM - Flavor Flav Told to Beat It - See below (hehehe)
10:23 PM - Madonna 'Can't Stop Crying' Over Jackson
3:00 AM - Fans Pay Their Respects at MJ's First Home
4:00 AM - Corey Feldman: Man in the Mirror
Paying homage to his childhood pal, Corey Feldman showed up in classic Michael Jackson garb to "Larry King Live" on Thursday. What a douche bag.
8:05 AM - Starline Tourists See Jackson Drama Unfold
A bus full of tourists thought they were driving up a fancy street to look at Michael Jackson's front gate. Instead, they witnessed the last moments of Michael Jackson's life. Nice, huh.
8:54 AM - Jackson's Death -- Demerol OD? - And so it begins...
9:09 AM - Jackson Family Feared Morphine OD
9:56 AM - Jackson Family -- Demerol Shot Caused Death
9:58 AM - Diana Ross -- 'My Heart is Hurting'
10:00 AM - Michael Jackson Doctor -- MIA
10:07 AM - Michael Jackson's Autopsy Has Begun - For God's sake...
11:52 AM - Debbie Rowe - She Gets Custody if She Wants - If she wants?
12:30 PM - Jackson's Missing Doctor ID'd - Get the pitchforks!!!
12:34 PM - Lisa Marie: Michael Said He'd End up Like Elvis - Whatever...
12:45 PM - Emergency Workers Felt Jackson Dead at Scene
1:27 PM - Janet Jackson Arrives in L.A.
2:00 PM - Jackson's Missing Doc To Speak with Cops
2:07 PM - Michael Jackson -- The 911 Call - Listen to the agony!!!

They now are waiting to live stream video from a press conference being held by the LA Country Coroner. Corey Feldman, Lou Ferrigno, Al Sharpton? Really? Though I do think it was hilarious that Flavor Flav was sent packing in front of all the reporters (hehe).

Obviously, this amount of pointless, irrelevant coverage is ridiculous. What I found more horrific are the photos TMZ is posting with each one of these gems. For instance, LaToya Jackson running for the emergency room doors - they not only showed the wide angle shot, but showed it along side a zoom shot of this poor woman's face trying to see exactly how devastated she was.

As far as the pictures of Michael, it's like they made it their mission to find the freakiest looking pics they could possibly find (with very poor resolution I might add). Ugh - give the guy a break. They actually have several pictures of Michael's body being unloaded from the helicopter. Unbelievable.

I also find it interesting how these headlines are developing. They didn't even start using his real name until this morning, option to use "Jacko", a shortened version of "Wacko Jacko", a not-so-nice nickname given to him by the media. And already with the drug allegations. It hasn't even been 24 hours since the man died.

It also saddens me that this whole bizarre spectacle is completely overshadowing the death of Farrah Fawcett, which needs to be recognized. She fought so hard for so long, even documenting her battle for the world to see - no holds barred. Today, it's like "Farrah who?".

I know Michael Jackson was a controversial, to say the least, public figure. But seriously guys, this is ridiculous.

Seriously?

Here's something from the Give Me A Fucking Break category. According to Rep. John Culberson (R - TX), House Republicans compare their plight in the newly Democrat-ruled House of Republicans to that of the Iranian people.

Here's what the twit tweeted on Monday, after Republicans were unable to offer more bullshit amendments to appropriation bills pushed through the House:

"Good to see Iranian people move mountains w social media, shining sunlight on their repressive govt - Texans support their bid for freedom"

"Oppressed minorities includeHouseRepubs: We are using social media to expose repression such as last night's D clampdown shutting off amends"

Additionally, Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.) tweeted something similar:

"Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House."

Bitch please. Are you telling me that your bullshit agendas remotely compare with the freedome of an entire nation? Are you saying that having your feelings hurt by the Big Bad Dems is comprable to having to flee for your life in the middle of the night as your family and friends are being summarily rounded up to God knows what end?

All I have to say is waaaaah fucking waaaaah. Put on your big girl panties and suck it up. We sure as hell did during the last eight years while you people wiped your asses with the US Bill of Rights. And you people wonder why you lost - shame on you!!!

I'm sure this guy feels your pain - why don't you send him a tweet.

Phil Spector's Unlikely Beginnings

I came across this on TMZ and felt I had to share. Phil Spector, a music producer, a behind-the-scenes guy whose ideas supposedly changed the sound of rock music, was recently sentenced to 19 years to life in prison for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson.

I know you’ll have a hard time believing it by looking at this pic, but Phil actually sports a piece - and I don’t mean the kind used to murder young actresses. What's killing me about this "reference" photo, is that he paid someone to make fake hair look like this...

But on to my point, check out the mugshot comparisons here. Now obviously, Phil Spector is one of the UnDead. I was hoping these comparisons could shed some light on his supernatural lineage.

This one with The Cryptkeeper is pretty compelling. Though I don't know, I mean The Cryptkeeper seems to have a much stronger jaw and more of an aquiline nose. I'm not quite convinced.

This glamour shot with the evil butler from The Rocky Horror Picture Show is also pretty darn close.

But obviously, this guy is much better looking, and with a fuller head of hair. Not to mention the Adonis-like physique sported by our Transexual Transylvanian friend.

Close, but no cigar I think. Phil should wish for such genes.


Now this is much more intriguing. The bulging eyes, the greasy clumps of hair, and the corpse-like bloated flesh are too much too ignore. The similarities are too eerie to ignore.

My pick for the best look-alike, hands down, is this man.

It is my belief that Phil Spector is the illegitimate son of Gollum.

To see the whole frightening line-up, check it out at http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/phil_spector_mugshotalike - Let me know what you think. Just leave the lights on - it’s scary.

Get Your Violins Ready...

Oh, where to begin. Let me premise this article with the fact that I am in fact watching this show - it's entirely too good to pass up. The nightly competition show is held in the Costa Rican jungle, with pseudo-celebrities vying for crappy rewards and money for their favorite charities. The grand prize you ask? Coronation as King or Queen of the Jungle. Wow.

On Monday's debut, the main focus was on Heidi whining and Spencer throwing temper tantrums. Sadly, no one was eliminated. Co-host Damien Fahey told the audience at the top of the show "The only thing that's certain is, YOU are in control of their lives,". Promises, promises.

Here is a line-up of the “celebrities”:

- Stephen Baldwin, actor, kind of. I like Stephen. He was on fringe of the “Brat Pack” of the 1980’s (Julia Roberts, Kiefer Sutherland, Emilio Estevez, etc.), and I loved him in Flatliners. He had a run of horrible movies, gained some weight, became a born again Christian, and is now running the celebrity game-show circuit. No surprises here.
- Torrie Wilson, pro wrestler, token hot blonde.
- Patti Blagojevich, former IL first lady and second choice from her husband Rob, the former Governor of Illinois. Rod was NBC’s first choice, however a judge ruled he could not leave the country as he is currently under indictment for what has been called a “corruption crime spree“. I would’ve given anything to see him on this show…
- Spencer and Heidi Pratt, America’s favorite douchebag and his charming wife from “The Hills” .And may I say, they are certainly living up to their namesakes.
- Sanjaya Malakar, the bane of existence for “American Idol” fans everywhere.
- John Salley, former NBA pro and “TV Personality” (whatever the hell that means)
- Janice Dickinson, a case-study in cougarism with very large lips and has something to do with modeling
- Francis Collier and Angela Shelton, comedic duo ”Frangela”. Never heard of them, but probably the most non-annoying humor on the show.
- Lou Diamond-Phillips, actor, with apparently very little to do or a bad coke habit which needs to be fed. I mean WTF Lou? You’re better than this!!

And so the drama begins. Wanna-be socialite Heidi Pratt is seen on Monday wondering aloud, "Is that a REAL monkey?". Heidi apparently is not cut out for jungle life. So traumatized was Ms. Pratt in a moment of desperation she cried out "This is just almost borderline real torture. Like I would do to al-Qaida." Wow. Really?

The couple has repeatedly threatened to leave the show. Sadly for us they keep coming back - kind of like herpes outbreaks. After coming back on one occasion and finding the others had plundered their belongings in their absence, Spencer went ballistic. "Where does it end?! Where does it end?!" he railed. Heidi commented “I’m just praying to be nice to someone who was so horrible to me and vandalized my hair product.”

Spencer was also very interested in Patti‘s Husband‘s legal woes. He did comment however, "Just so you know, when I met him, I was like, this is who I would have voted for the president of the United States of America." Then Patti clasped hands with Spencer and Heidi, who led them in prayer: "I pray that the truth will be revealed. I pray that he will triumph ..." At this point I vomited in my mouth a little.

Then after Spencer was baptized in the river by Stephen Baldwin (oh, I know…) Spencer and Heidi told their costars on Tuesday's show that they were leaving for good. "Super-celebrities don't belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi," Spencer said. "I'm too rich and too famous," he told the other contestants.

Bitch please…

Last night however they were back, begging for forgiveness and wanting back in the jungle. According to Heidi, Satan made them make a bad decision, and now they’re back. It’s such a train wreck, but somehow I can’t look away…