solving the mystery that is "The Twinkie"

This week’s pick for “Asinine Website of the Week” is certainly asinine, but hilarious as well. The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project (Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations), ”is a series of experiments conducted during finals week, 1995, at Rice University. The tests were designed to determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie.” Obviously, my interest was piqued.

This website has all the answers to the eternal questions that have haunted Twinkie lovers through the years. Questions such as “what is the maximum density of a Twinkie?” or “what are the rapid oxidation qualities of a Twinkie?”, or the ever-present “what would happen if I dropped a Twinkie from the 6th floor of Lovett College?”.

I was especially impressed with the clinical testing environment in which these trials were held, as well as the proposed applications for each result.

On a darker note, this website also speaks to the dangers of scientists with too much time on their hands. While this “seemingly benign” experimentation on Twinkies seems all well and good, where do we draw the line? Ho-Hos, Moon Pies, Snowballs? Could Grandma’s Apple Pie eventually be subject to the same kind of scrutiny as the unfortunate Twinkie? What type of horrors will be devised for this piece of Americana? I shudder to think of the ramifications.

Anyway, the site is fucking hilarious.