Wednesday, May 28, 2008

play nice, boys...

I had this show on my list of “What will probably suck, but I’m watching anyway”. Frankly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach this crap for the next three months. I was downright embarrassed for these idiots (yes, the bachelors). It was so uncomfortable! I felt like I was watching a school-yard pick gone horribly wrong, which brought back many traumatizing memories I might add.

After watching the second episode, I could not believe the de-evolution that was beginning to take shape with these otherwise, smart, successful, gorgeous guys. What a bunch of bitches! The pic on the left pretty much sums it up.

My favorite moment: Ryan, the 28 year old virgin who tells everyone who will listen about his superior morals and unshakable faith, called Jeremy a jackass (I think – it was beeped). He was the only one on the show that got openly hostile and started swearing. Jeremy of course seems to be in the lead for DeAnna’s affections. I really can’t stand when people go around bragging about their “relationship with God” and “saving themselves for marriage”, blah blah blah. It usually tells me they are insecure and are covering for something else. In this case, Ryan was covering the fact that he’s an asshole.

I must admit, the show provides good material. But all the cheesy speeches and liturgies from these love-struck morons is almost too much to bear. For my art, however, I’ll tough it out as long as I can. The three people who read this blog would expect nothing less.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Cook wins Idol, beats up jason castro

David Cook Wins!!! Yay!!! I was freaking out after Tuesday night’s show, but my boy pulled it out by a healthy margin. I watched the entire show, which I usually don’t do because the filler usually sucks. I’m glad I did though!

Here’s a quick recap - Seal sounded great, Bryan Adams is still really ugly, Donna Summer is still alive, I discovered I hate the Jonas Brothers, ZZ Top is still alive, George Michael is still really gay, Jordin Sparks needs to lay off the pork chops, Graham Nash is still alive, Carrie Underwood sounded great, and I’m dumping David Cook for Renaldo Lapuz. (that last part was a joke – I’d never dump David!)

My current home state of Utah is now harboring thousands of shattered girls all across the state. I’ve heard rumors that local Jr. High Schools are bringing in grief counselors (no, not really!). Some girl announced on TV she voted over 2,000 times! That’s a stalker in the making - Watch your ass, D.A.!

All in all, great season. David, you can stop calling me for advice now - you won!!! I'll see you next week in at the usual spot.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

D-day on american idol

Clive’s Choices

David C. was given "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. I’m not a huge U2 fan but have always loved this song. I loved the down-tempo beginning. Things seemed to take a weird turn when he took the platform behind the judges. I don’t know if he lost his focus or what, but he seemed a little off. It still rocked.

David A. was given "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John. Awesome song. I think he did a great job with it, although that lower range isn’t his strong suit. We thought there were few spots that were slightly off, but that’s a big song for a little boy. I thought he was going to wet his pants when Simon told him “it was the best performance blah blah blah…” Great job, but no David Cook.

Songwriting Competition – Contestant’s Choice

David C. sang "Dream Big" by Emily Shackelton. The song got bagged on from the judges and everyone else I’ve talked to, but I really didn’t think it was that bad. Regardless, he did a good job with it. I thought he looked and sounded like a pro on tour. I’ll tell you what though, I really wish they’d get rid of this stupid songwriting competition. It’s not fair that the contestants have to hang their careers on the aspirations of wanna-be songwriters.

David A. sang "In This Moment" by Ryan Gillmor. So, so predictable. The song was as cheesy as is he is. But like everything else, he sang it beautifully. I just wish he’d loose the cheese factor and step it up.

Contestant’s Choice:

David C. sang "The World I Know" by Collective Soul – another awesome song. The judges gave him a bunch of shit about “poor song choice” – whatever. It so rocked. There were several parts of the performance that were amazing. That last note took mad skills. And then Simon tells him he should’ve sung “Hello” or “Billie Jean” again. To which he responded, “why would I do something I’ve already done?”. This was a bit of a dig to Archuleta, who repeated his performance of “Imagine” for his third song.

David A. sang "Imagine" by John Lennon – again. What a cop out!! Yes he sang it beautifully, no question. Here’s my issue – he picked a song that he knew everyone would love, because he already sang it! I think it’s a bit like cheating really. Not to mention that fact that perhaps we wanted to hear something new out of him. Now that was a bad song choice.

To sum it up (here comes the cheese)

This is why David Cook should win – David C. feels music at a level that David A. isn’t even close to understanding. After his performance, he there stood shaking and in tears – I felt like he had completely exposed his soul in that performance, or did the best he could. I can’t imagine what that feels like in front of tens of millions of people – but he did it willingly. I’ve heard many people say that D.A. has more talent technically, but after “The Music of the Night” I know that’s not true either. He has an amazing talent, and the courage to inject a part of himself into everything he sings. That’s what sets him apart from everyone else, and why he’s going to win.

David A. without a doubt is one of the most talented artists we’ve seen yet, especially for his age. He has put up some amazing performances. Here’s my issue with David A. - he doesn’t seem to understand or “feel” his own talent, and therefore can’t put part of himself into it. This is probably because he’s just not mature enough. He has absolutely no style of his own, other than singing how he was taught – technically perfect. But you know, never once have I seen him in tears over a great performance. The only thing that seems to put David A. in tears is praise from the judges, and not the gift God has given him.

Reality TV Summer 2008 Preview

The Summer of ’08 will prove to be the most reality shows crammed into a 3 month period. Seriously, there are mad amounts of new shows. As such, I felt it my dity to break them down for you so you know where to start: “What probably won’t suck”, “What probably will suck”, and “What probably will suck but I’m watching anyway”.

FYI – anything that sounds official or is crappy copy, was plagiarized from

So get some coffee, get comfortable and peruse the glory that is reality TV. If you can’t find something to watch here, you’re obviously retarded (or have good taste).

What probably will suck, but I’m watching anyway

The Bachelorette, Season 4 (premieres Monday, May 19 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
DeAnna Pappas got rejected by The Bachelor eleventh-season star Brad Womack... TWICE! Now ABC is giving the Southern belle her own opportunity to find love with the return of this The Bachelor spin-off.

I have never watched any of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” shows, but I thought I would give it a try. I think the premise is a bit cheesy, but there’s something about a bunch of morons, albeit extremely hot morons, throwing themselves at the feet of a woman. To be honest, I’m really looking forward to lots of beefcake as well.

So You Think You Can Dance, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 8PM ET/PT on Fox)
Mary Murphy screaming, Nigel Lythgoe getting face time and Cat Deeley doing her best Ryan Seacrest impression aren't the only things the fourth season of this reality series has to offer, as viewers will once again have the opportunity to crown the best dancer America has to offer.

Up until now, I have refused to watch these dancing shows, but I’ve been watching “Step it up and Dance” on Bravo, and I really like it. So I’ll give this a shot – hopefully I won’t lose any brain cells due to absolute stupidity on this, because I really don’t have many to spare. This chick certainly has some moves... I think she's doing what they call "The Drunk Elaine".

She's Got the Look (premieres Wednesday, June 4 at 10PM ET/PT on TV Land)
Modeling-themed reality competition shows can't be accused of being ageist anymore, as this new series will follow 10 woman 35 or older as they strut their stuff on the runway.

My only reason for watching this will be to give props to my sisters over the age of 35. I am so fucking tired of 30 pound 18 year old models strutting their bony asses all over the place.

Wipeout (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants will make their way through obstacle courses designed to produce what the network described as "the most crashes, face plants, impacts and wipeouts ever seen on television."

This would be nothing but my morbid sense of curiosity speaking. I loved the movie “Jackass”, and there’s something about seeing a bunch of idiots doing asinine stunts to win a prize. I’m really looking forward to the faceplants.

Shear Genius, Season 2 (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 10PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Contestants will need to creating fashionable coifs in weekly challenges. The biggest challenge will be dealing with the clients that some of the stylists have to deal with on a regular basis.

I watched this last year and found it mildly entertaining. The reason I’m watching it again is strictly for the really bad hair that this show turns out.

Big Brother 10 (premieres Sunday, July 13 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
This long-running reality series will be back for its traditional summer run. Since its ninth season was pretty lackluster, here's hoping the warmer temperatures can also add some heat to the competition.

I tried watching this years ago and was very underwhelmed - I only made it through 2 episodes. As my summer looks to be somewhat of a washout, I’m going to have some extra time on my hands. Let’s see how long I make it this year.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
Contestants are shipped halfway around the world for this new reality series, which will follow 10 Americans who are whisked away to Japan to compete in the "ultimate Japanese game show." Banzai!

ABC is apparently so desperate for a new premise they are putting contestants on the slow boat to China. This does sound mildly amusing, simply because Japanese game shows do some of the craziest shit ever. Again, I’m really looking forward to the faceplants

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Summer Reality - what probably will suck

American Gladiators, Season 2 (premieres Monday, May 12 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
The revival of this campy competition series will be back for a second season as part of NBC's "All American Summer", that will include the network's coverage of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.

“All American Summer”? For God’s sake please don’t include me with the wife-beating, redneck, white-trash losers who watch this crap. And for NBC to try a segue between "American Gladiators” and the Olympics is a travesty. And check out this pic – It’s a reunion tour for the Village People – aaaaawwwwww.

Million Dollar Password (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
Regis Philbin will helm this new game show that CBS is billing as a combination between classics Password and Pyramid.

Would someone please put this man out of his misery? Rather, put the American public out of it’s misery? Here’s a great idea, let’s take to cheesy game shows long past their expiration date, and have most reviled geezer America has to offer to host? Somewhere, there’s a village missing an idiot that can now be found working as a producer in LA. I’ve included a picture from their marketing campaign.

Bridezillas, Season 5 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 9PM ET/PT on WEtv)
The fifth season of this reality series debuts just in time for all those summer weddings on your itinerary, and this time the tyrannical brides-to-be apparently have some competition from family members, including a "Momzilla" in the premiere episode. Hopefully the happy couple made sure mom contributed her portion of the bill before she flipped out.

It’s not that this show downright sucks, but if you’re not a bride-to-be it’s pretty boring. Besides, the brides aren’t nearly crazy enough to keep it moving. Show me Brittany Spears planning her wedding – that would make for some good TV.

The Next Food Network Star, Season 4 (premieres Sunday, June 1 at 10PM ET/PT on Food Network)
Food Network turned up the heat in the kitchen for the fourth season of this reality series, as Iron Chef America star Bobby Flay will become a regular member of the judging panel. However the "steaks" are still the same, with the culinary contestants having to prove they have what it takes to star in his or her own series on the network.

I’m sorry, this just seems like one more pathetic network making a pathetic attempt to get in on the reality TV boon. The premise has been done to death, and I can’t imagine The Food Network churning out anything that would hold my attention for more than 7 seconds.

Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on MTV) This new Grease: You're the One that I Want-like reality series searches talent for Laura Bell Bundy's replacement as Broadway's Elle Woods. However unlike NBC's Grease,the show's director and choreographer will ultimately pick the competition's winner to assure viewers don't kill the musical at the box office before it even opens.

First of all, I can not believe there is a Broadway show based on the movie “Legally Blonde”. Didn’t Nostradamus mention this as a portent of doom before the world comes to a fiery end? What the fuck is going on here?!?! But to take it a step further and spin-off a reality TV show around it, well, I hope you have all made your peace with God before he smites all for this blasphemous idiocy. Maybe we’re already in hell, and this is the type of entertainment we’ll all be forced to watch.

Meerkat Manor: The Next Generation (premieres Friday, June 6 at 9PM ET/PT on Animal Planet)
Talk about anthropomorphic. The fourth season of this reality series could double as a chapter in human civilization, as the Kalahari Desert is up for grabs among the meerkats following the death of matriarch Flower. With rival meerkat gangs, romances and the struggle to survive, it doesn't get much more real than that (unless you're on The Hills).

I get it, they’re cute, they’re furry, and they all just lost Grandma. Who cares!

Nashville Star, Season 6 (premieres Monday, June 9 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
Not only does the sixth season of this reality competition series have a new home on NBC -- it will also feature several new faces and format changes, including host Billy Ray Cyrus; judges and musical mentors Jewel, John Rich and Jeffrey Steele; duets and trios have the chance to perform; and a lower minimum age requirement of 16-years-old. Yee-haw!

I’m definitely biased here, having hated country music since I could form sentences. But really, has anyone seen Billy Ray Cyrus lately? It must take him forever with that flat-iron to get ready in the morning. And what is that shit on his lower lip? And riddle me this Batman, would anyone under the age of 25 even know who he was if is wasn’t for his daughter (aka Hannah Montana). And Jewel, I expected more from you.

Celebrity Circus (premieres Wednesday, June 11 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
Celebrities undertake circus stunts in this revival of the old “Circus of the Starts” It’s cast reads like a who's who of celebrity reality show participants, some of which will undoubtedly create must-see-TV when they're shot out of a human catapult or juggle knives. Hosted by Joey Fatone: Christopher ''Peter Brady'' Knight, former supermodel Rachel Hunter, soap opera star Antonio Sabato Jr., singer Blu Cantrell, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, and Jason ''Wee Man'' Acuna.

I think this train-wreck speaks for itself. Do you think they’ll have Wee-Man do sword swallowing?

America's Got Talent, Season 3 (premieres Tuesday, June 24 at 9PM ET/PT on NBC)
This glorified talent show is back for a third season. However potential contestants aren't the only ones who have been honing their skills, as judge Piers Morgan recently sharpened his tongue by winning The Celebrity Apprentice and single handedly banishing Omarosa from TV... hopefully for good.

Jerry Springer – need I say more? Even though Piers Morgan did open up a big can o’ whoop-ass on Omarosa (The Apprentice), I can’t listen to him speak without wanting to take a shower. David, you were in Baywatch, and by default a jackass. Sharon, what were you thinking? And let’s not forget the “talent” (and I use the term loosely) – stilts, puppets, karate, creepy clowns… I really hope there’s a smackdown between the losing contestants every week.

The Baby Borrowers (premieres Wednesday, June 25 at 8PM ET/PT on NBC)
Five young couples are followed as they are put on the fast-track to adulthood. With their baby growing from an infant to elder over the course of three weeks, the couples will either learn that they're ready for parenthood or in need of more birth control.

The name makes it sound like contestants have to kidnap a baby, and the one collects the ransom without being caught by 5-0 wins.. What do they mean “infant to elder” in 3 weeks? Do the losers go through a sterilization process? Why didn’t the parents of this producer go through a sterilization process?

Dance Machine (premieres Friday, June 27 at 8PM ET/PT on ABC)
This new series will feature six different people from various walks of life who face each other in a series of one-on-one dance offs for the chance to win a $100,000 prize.

Another gem from ABC. Are they trying to hit a world record for the most dance shows on a single network, or just the worst?

Greatest American Dog (premieres Thursday, July 10 at 8PM ET/PT on CBS)
America's Next Top Model goes to the dogs in this new reality series, which will follow a group of pageant pooches and their respective owners as they compete against each other in a series of canine-themed challenges for $250,000.

This one had me confused – is it for really ugly beauty paegent wanna-be’s, or actual four-legged dogs? Apparently CBS has created a “best-dog” contest for man’s best-friend, as they have run out of ways to judge humans. This whole concept is a dog.

Jingles (premieres Sunday, July 27 at 9PM ET/PT on CBS)
Ever wonder where those annoyingly catchy commercial ditties come from? This new Mark Burnett-created game show has the answer, as it will follow a team of contestants who are given weekly advertisement-writing assignments before having to perform the campaign they concocted, which will be voted on by home viewers.

“Jingles: The New Breed” Ugghhh!! As if we don’t have enough little annoying jingles getting stuck in out heads, CBS is tapping the vast talent pool of white-trash America. I think this is one of those shows that just by watching, your IQ will drop at least 50 points and you will have thoughts of suicide. Just Say No.

Summer reality - what probably won't suck

Last Comic Standing, Season 6 (premieres Thursday, May 22 at 9:30PM ET/PT on NBC)
With more than a dozen current and former network sitcom stars serving as talent scouts, it's home viewers who will once again get the chance to crown the king/queen of funny. Aspiting comedians face comedic challenges every week, and then face off with stand-up routines to see who goes home.

Love this show. I was just turned onto it last year by a friend and loved it. It’s funny and clever, and I’m so rooting for the girls this year.

The Mole, Season 5 (premieres Monday, June 2 at 10PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this show's first non-celebrity edition in six years, a group of 12 contestants will compete in new missions at new locations while trying to determine who among them is attempting to sabotage their chances at winning the grand prize.

I’m a little dubious about this one, but who knows. I can’t stand celebrity reality shows, so I’m going to take a second look at this one. I wonder what the Mole will look like, because traditionally, moles are very, very ugly.

HGTV Design Star, Season 3 (premieres Sunday, June 8 at 9PM ET/PT on HGTV)
10 designers competing in the third season of this reality series will attempt to show-off their creativity, ingenuity and skills in the hopes of landing the grand prize of his or her own HGTV television show.

I watched this last season, and was a bit underwhelmed. But I love interior design. Besides, any reality TV show with the word “design” in it always has extremely, well, “colorful” characters.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, Season 4 (premieres Thursday, June 12 at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
The fourth season of this reality series will continue to follow the comedian as she lives life on the D-List. In addition to offending everyone, Griffin will also officiate a wedding and woo Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, whom she recently split from after a brief romantic relationship.

She dated Steve Wozniak?!?! Yikes. Watching that train wreck play out is enough for me.

Wanna Bet (premieres Monday, July 21 at 9PM ET/PT on ABC)
In this new reality show Celebrities will wager on the success or failure of some of the wildest stunts, tricks and mental challenges dreamed up and performed by average Americans, with everything they win going to charity.

This sounds awesome. I’m picturing Ozzy Ozbourne and Gene Simmons betting on how many skin grafts will be needed to reattach the face of some dipshit who decides to try fire-eating. This sounds very promising.

Project Runway (premieres Monday, July ?? at 9PM ET/PT on Bravo)
Emmy-nominated competition reality series Project Runway features host supermodel Heidi Klum and a panel of industry luminaries, including judges Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, Elle magazine fashion director, as they decide who is “in” and who is “out.” Tim Gunn, Chief Creative Officer at Liz Claiborne, Inc. once again acts as a mentor to the 15 contestants as they navigate weekly fashion challenges. Designers will be whittled down to the finalists who will show their own line at New York Fashion Week.

I have searched and searched for a premiere date, but couldn’t find anything, other than that it’s in July. This will be it’s last run on Bravo, as it’s moving to the Lifetime Network (gag) this fall. Sorry Gay community, you will now be forced to sit through countless tampon commercials and cheesy movie trailers. Whatever – I love this show and can’t wait for the premiere!!!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I'm so moving to murray

Wow - was that Mayor guy hot or what?! That mustache - mmm. Imagine cuddling up to that every night.

Judges’ Picks

Paula picked “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel for David Archuleta – what a yawn. Once again, we see David crooning away with that glazed-over look in his eyes and sappy little smile. I know I’ve said it before, but the boy has no soul. Maybe he should hang out with Isaac Hayes and see if that helps. Wouldn’t it be funny to overlay D.A.’s voice when Chef goes into one of his “Lay You Down By The Fiiiiyyyaaahhhh” rifts?

Randy Jackson chose “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys for Syesha Mercado. I think she did the song justice. She looked fabulous, although I know this is usually the kiss of death. It’s a very tough song, but I think she pulled it off.

Simon Cowell chose, get this – “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack for David Cook. Of all the artists represented on the show, Roberta Flack would be the last person I’d choose for the metal/rocker guy. But, true to form, David changed it up and made it sound like it was written for him. David called me freaking out last week about this. I just told him to chill, and gave him some ideas on the arrangement. I think it turned out great.

Contestants’ Picks

David A. chose "With You” by Chris Brown. Now I understand he was FINALLY trying to sing something that actually had a tempo, but this just didn’t work. What was all that “My Boo” crap, anyway? It just sounded creepy coming from our little Idol mascot. Who knows, if “Daddy Dearest” was allowed any input he might have picked a better song. But at least this way he didn’t make David cry.

David Cook performed "Dare You To Move" by someone too young for me to know. I'm told it's a fairly new song, which explains my befuddlement. It was good, but once again, I couldn't fully enjoy it because I didn't know it. David, I've said it before and I'll say it again - I NEED to be consulted on your song choices.

Syesha chose “Fever” by Peggy Lee. The judges totally bagged on her, but personally I liked it. I love that song though, so I’m probably biased. If anything, it was a maybe bit on the Vegas side. But you know these darn kids these days with their new-fangled ways wouldn’t appreciate a golden oldie like “Fever”. I don’t think it was a good choice, but I still liked it.

Producers’ Picks

Ahem. For the record, the producers are obviously on crack.

For David A., they chose “Longer Than” by Dan Fogelberg. Wow. This song was over-the-top, vomit in my mouth cheesy when it came out in the 80’s. I hated it then, and I hate it now. So to hear the cheesiest contestant ever singing the cheesiest song ever, well, it was more than I could bear. It was a limburger cheese fest – pure cheese, and really stunk. At this point though, Little Davie could sing the ABC’s and get moved on to the next round.

David C. was assigned “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. Of the 3, this was the only producers’ pick that made an iota of sense. As usual, he did an awesome job with it. I loved the violins on stage. Jamie, I’m sorry, but I’m adding him to my 5.

For Syesha, they picked “Hit Me Up” from the “Happy Feet” soundtrack – as if she didn’t have enough problems. It was cute and bouncy, totally like something I’d see at a Disneyland show. Very, very unfortunate. Have a great life, Syesha.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Cast & Crew, Part 1

Before I get into quirky anecdotal tales from the Perry-Trinchitella household, I just want to give everyone a brief overview or glossary, if you will, of the main characters in the ongoing saga that is my life.

Sean: Son, aged 21, currently living outside Chicago. Sean is much like me in many ways, dripping with sarcasm, liberal, detests organized religion, loves his music, and is extremely opinionated to the point of being obnoxious on occasion. My recent favorite Sean moment: On Christmas 2007, Sean admitted to me that he voted for George W. Bush in the last election. This was a dirty, dirty secret he withheld from me for 3 years. I thought it was funny though (after beating him senseless) that he was literally afraid to tell me about it for so long. But he’s back on the Democratic band-wagon, so I’m willing to let bygones be bygones and reclaim him as my son. I've included a photo of one of his favorite bands - we're so proud.

Jamie: Husband, aged 38, currently living outside SLC. Jamie is without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me, aside from my son. Jamie is the youngest of 8 children, 6 of them girls. Jamie knows the importance of yogurt to women while taking antibiotics, and can color my hair. Jamie has a raunchy sense of humor, and, let’s call a spade a spade, can be a big baby. My favorite recent Jamie moment: While trying to determine my foot size for Mother’s Day slippers, he called me posing as pervert with a foot fetish (in his best creepy, slimy voice), wanting to know if I had big feet. I’m not sure how much of a stretch this was for him - it sounded like he had a lot of practice. I included a picture of him on the left.

Julie: Sister, aged 36, currently living in Chicago. Julie is without a doubt my best friend. I mean sure, we tried to kill each other several times in Jr. High, but what's a little attempted homicide between sista's? Seriously, Julie and I have been through the worst and best times of our lives together. We can read each other like a book. On the phone, after a single syllable I can tell if she's pissed, and usually who at (although usually this is the same person). And the same with me. What sucks most is that she lives so far away. One of my favorite Julie moments: When I was still dating, my boyfriend and I went to Julie and Matt's for dinner. We were all in the basement, with the boyfriend and I leaning against the back of a couch. Julie casually goes to walk in front of us, then stops suddenly. She raises a knee, pulls back her fist, and blew ass like I had never heard before or since. Her husband was not amused, however we about pissed ourselves laughing so hard. Her harmonious, zen-like relationship with her gastro-intestinal system is one of her most endearing qualities, I think. I've attached her wedding photo as well. I'm the pretty one on the left. As you can see, the bitch cut me off in the photo - she's always been jealous of my looks.

That's it for now. There's a few more dossiers I will be sharing with you soon - I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath.

Survivor Micronesia - The season of the dumb-asses

First, let me express my dismay over the end of what may have been the best Survivor to date. With all the twists, turns and blindsides towards the end, you never knew what was going on. The stupidity of certain players, made it all the more entertaining.

The first half I have to say was pretty lame. The show focused almost completely on the favorites, which was a bit annoying. We really didn’t learn much about the fans until after the merge. But then things started to get interesting. Here’s a few players of note:

Kathleen: What a psycho. From day one we knew she was weird with her commentary on gays. Awwwwkkkwwaaardd…… Then of course her nervous breakdown was well, priceless.

Chet: Was he bizarre or what? Certainly not a pleasant man to look at, he might have been one of the most useless players of all time. My favorite Chet moment was when Joel literally dragged him through the “log maze”, repeatedly slamming his face into tree after tree. I have a feeling that challenge pretty much summed up his high school years.

Eliza: She was kind of like the dorky girl in high school who wanted to fit in so badly, she turned evil when the cool girls wouldn’t let her in. Sitting in the jury, all that girl did was roll her bug eyes and laugh at everyone else’s misfortunes. Maybe the concentration camp she came from right before the show made her a little bitter. East a pork chop girl!

Natalie: You know the girls kept making jokes about stirring their witches’ cauldrons, but I’m pretty sure Natalie has one at home. She was kind of scary at the end, taking about flossing her teeth with the jugular veins of other contestants. Yikes.

James: Isn’t he so hot?

Eric: You just want to pat him on the head and tell him to go play with his little friends. I’m still baffled how he got that far in the game. His hand-off of immunity to Natalie was by far the dumbest move ever on Survivor. Look out Mensa! Just kidding – he’ll probably be in porn within the next 5 years.

Parvarti: Although I really wanted Amanda to win, I have to give Parv her props. She pulled off some awesome coups, and still kept loyal to her original alliance of Amanda and Cirie. She ran that show from beginning to end. Congrats!!

How about some of those jury questions? There weren’t too many surprises – Eliza was angry and bitter, James rakes Parvarti over the coals, Cirie was a little pissed, but my favorite was Ozzy. He absolutely reamed Parvarti. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a jury member go off on someone like that. What was awesome was his declaration of love for Amanda. That was so sweet and so sad, you can’t help but love the guy.

Here’s to a great season, and looking forward to the next. Cheers!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Survivor - the chicken or the egg?

Question - If you are on an island, have a penis, and surrounded by girls, will it make you an imbecile? Or were you an imbecile to begin with? Not unlike the chicken and the egg, it's these rhetorical quandries that a girl could ponder for years and still not understand. Which of course brings us to last night's tribal council, and Eric's unbelievably idiotic decision to willingly hand over his immunity to Natalie. The same Natalie he had blatently screwed over after winning the reward challenge, and was lobbying for to get the boot. Mind boggling, I know.

Here's a quick breakdown of Eric's stupidity, and the genius he was up against. Open to Eric and Natalie, promising each other that of the two of them, whoever won the challenge would send the other to Exile to look for the idol. Cue Cirie, Amanda and Parv trying to figure out a way to use Eric to their advantage. Next to Amanda promising Eric to take him on the reward if she wins, and asking if he will do the same for her. He agrees. Then she talks him into sending Parv to Exile if he wins (preventing anyone else from finding the idol), which he also agrees to. Natalie who?

Eric did win the reward challenge, picked Amanda to go with him to a luxury spa, and sent Parv to Exile. Natalie? Really pissed. Cirie gets Nat back to camp and goes on and on about how Eric screwed Natalie over - "boy I'd be pissed if I were you..." Things are looking good for the ladies until Eric wins immunity. Desparate, the girls came up with a ridiculous plan to talk him into "redeeming himself" for his indescretions by handing over the necklace to Natalie at tribal. "you'll get more votes, everyone will trust you," etc., etc. I'm thinking no one is that stupid.

Once again, I was proven wrong. First off, the acting that was going on at tribal was impeccable. "You have to redeem yourself", "Actions speak louder than words", etc. etc. Then Jeff asks the obligatory question, does Eric want to keep his individual immunity. Eric gives a heart-warming liturgy about redeeming himself and hands it over to Nat. Are you kidding me?! That's 4 males in 4 weeks who had immunity and pissed it away. The best part of this might have been the jury's reaction to this astonishing act of stupidity. Not surprisingly Eric was shown the door, after every single one of those girls voted his ass out. James could barely contain himself from the jury, declaring he was no longer "the dumbest Survivor ever". No James, just one of the four dumbest ever.

Jeff Probst called it a life lesson. I call it fucking hilarious.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

the artistry of marketing

If you get a chance, check out this collection of If you get a chance, check out this collection of Really Bad Advertising at Most of them on the older side, and are absolutely hilarious. What’s even worse are the recent ones. As a marketer and a person with eyeballs I can tell you, this stuff terrible – in a disturbingly funny way. There’s actually an ad of a husband spanking his wife for not using the right coffee. The nerve of that woman!

I love this guy though (see pic). And I'll be he loves his Thorazine! (I sure love mine...)

idol results - what a shocker.

Well, not really. Jason said goodbye last night after the train wreck of a performance on Tuesday. At least he wasn’t sobbing on stage. I won’t mention any names, but her name starts with a “B” (I’m so sneaky, aren’t I?).

So this leaves us with Syesha, David T. and David C., who I predict will go home in that order. Syesha has really surprised me – I thought she’d be gone long before now. She’s definitely a good singer, but personally I think she skated a bit.

So now we have David and David, who couldn’t be more different. David’s a rocker, with an amazing talent to take a song and completely change it up – always with awesome results. I’ve heard it said that David A is a more talented singer, but I beg to differ. If you listen to his performance of “The Music of the Night”, there is no doubt the boy can blow. He has the maturity, soul and talent that I think will not only win him this competition, but turn him into another Chris Daughtry.

David A. no doubt has mad skills. I just don’t think he has the maturity, soul and ingenuity yet that will give him a win, or at the very least success after the show is over. To me, he’s a bit sappy, and way too vanilla. Obviously, the two styles that will be represented are completely relative.

The biggest factor will be the fan base – cool people for David Cook, and pre-pubescent girls for David Archuleta. Here’s to hoping they all get grounded from there cell phones for stealing mom’s credit card…

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dreads does not a Rastafarian make

Walking into work this morning the first thing I saw was Kiley, from across the office, staring at me with dropped jaw, horrified. I knew immediately what she was thinking - Jason Castro. What WAS that? His first “performance” was “I Shot the Sherriff” by reggae legend Bob Marley. I was ready to shoot myself by the time it was over. I know I should have TIVO’d past it, but I couldn’t. Like a bad car wreck, I found myself rooted to the spot as the disaster unfolded, unable to act. Jason’s second song was “Mr. Tamborine Man”, but I think everyone was still trying to move on from the trauma of “Sherriff” to really listen. Wherever he is, I’m sure Bob Marley rolled a big fatty to console himself over the butchery of the iconic song that he’s known for. I wonder if he feels dirty somehow.

My personal friend David Cook was a bit disappointing with the cheesy 80’s favorite “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran. Sorry Dave, Duran Duran was the LAST band I would have chose. Is that cheddar I smell? Very disappointing. His second song, “Babba O’Reilly” by The Who, well rocked. Once again he took a song that was awesome already, and turned it into an equally awesome but completely different. I really have to stop heaping on the praise though, because he’s starting to get a big head and won’t stop calling.

David Archuleta, The dow-eyed starlet of the show, sang “Stand By Me” and “Love Me Tender”. I did like that he broke out the King, but his sheepish grins and sycophantic air are really driving me nuts. Syesha Mercado sang “Proud Mary” by Tina Turner and “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke. The only thing that really bugged me about her last night was her sad, sad attempt to dance like Tina Turner. First of all, she wasn’t wearing ANY fringe, and secondly no one can shake it like Tina.

We’ll be down to the final 3 tonight! I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna’ do with myself when this is over.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Someone finally whipped it out...

Once again, tribal council did not fail to entertain. Where to start!? For the third time this season a contestant left the game for medical reasons. I'm sure we all remember Mary - who could forget her psychotic episode on the beach before the nice men in white coats took her away. Then Jonathan's knee got infected from a cut he got at a challenge, and now James' finger sends him packing.

As the last man standing, Erik was definitely getting the proverbial boot. Sadly for the girls, Erik threw a huge wrench in their plans by winning immunity. What to do?! The girls were forced to turn on each other, basically picking the biggest threat, aka the nicest person on the island. Sadly for Amamnda, this dubious distinction fell to her. To top it off, Amanda is sent to Exile Island. She sets out to find the idol, only to find out it's actually buried back at camp. Drats.

Amanda confides in Parvarti she knows where it is, and Parv conspires with Amanda to give her time to find the idol. Last we see before tribal is Amanda starting to dig under the flag.

Come tribal council, Amanda bertated Erik for not helping her out (she had saved his ass earlier in the season). She held hands with Parvarti, and said she knew she was going home. Everyone votes, and then the obligitory question "does anyone have the hidden immunity idol?" comes up. With a smile and a wave of her hand, Amanda says something like "I have that, right here!". With the exception of Parvati, the looks on everyone's faces were priceless. Obviously other tribe members were NOT happy, but the best was the laughing and high-fives going on with the Jury members. Alexis was promptly send packing courtesy of Amanda and Parvarti.

I love it! Amanda has been my favorite for a while, so it was awesome to see her pull it off. You go girl!

oh, the humaity!

Sadly, my personal girlfriend Brooke White has finally been voted off. Wich excites me for two reasons - my Idol bracket has been somewhat redeemed, and I was so sick of her. But on to the drama. I almost, almost felt sorry for her. But you know what, have a shred of self-respect girl. Do you want to be pitied, or respected for your sense of dignity?

My pick for next week? It's definitely a toss-up between Syesha and Jason. My vote will probably be for Jason, because I realy getting tired of the same crap every week. Rock on David C.!