Thursday, July 31, 2008

grumpy old men

What’s happened to John McCain? He started this race as an honorable statesman and war-hero, with the highest respect from his peers. Going into this race, I remember thinking “if it has to be a Republican, I would want it to be John McCain.” Not so much anymore.

This morning I got to see Mr. McCain’s latest campaign ad, comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears - all celebrity and no substance. Apparently they are trying to take Obama’s popularity and turn it into a vice. But, don’t all political candidates want to be popular? Isn’t that how they get elected? Doesn’t McCain want the public to like him, or does he even care?

Within hours of that gem, he flat-out accused Obama of “playing the race card”. Seriously!? I can’t think of anything more desperate or cliché to throw into a political campaign. This came in response to Obama stating that Republicans would try and scare the public by saying things like "`he's (Obama) not patriotic enough, he's got a funny name,' you know, `he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.`” McCain sounds more and more desperate every time he opens his mouth.

And then there’s all the viral bullshit floating around. There was a heart-warming memo about the many, many virtues of Cindy McCain, supposedly written by an “objective observer”. Of course it doesn’t talk about how she is a recovering drug addict, and stole said drugs from a charitable organization to feed her habit. In a not-so-strange coincidence, this came out right about the time Michelle Obama was being bashed for saying she was finally proud of her government. Hmmm...

Another memo, again supposedly from a concerned citizen trying to inform the masses, on the evils of Barack Obama: he’s a radical Muslim, he refuses to recite the pledge of allegiance, he was sworn into Senate on the Quran instead of the bible… It goes on and on with outright, confirmed falsehoods. I wonder where this stuff comes from…

The last straw came for me this morning, when my Republican friend sent me a video comparing Barack Obama to Fidel Castro. They were both young and promised change, therefore Obama will become a dictator and turn us into a communist state. You can watch it here. If this isn’t a ridiculous case of grabbing at straws, I don’t know what is.

So what has happened to John McCain? He was an honorable, likeable, moderate Republican that had promise. Certainly, any honor he had is long gone. He’s become a desperate, angry old man, trying to mask his own unpopularity by spewing lies and ridiculous innuendo. And yes, I applaud Obama for taking the high road. He’s not handing out mud pies, he’s barely recognizing the ones being thrown at him.

Is it November yet?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Condiment request turns ugly

Remember that ridiculous commercial with the 2 geezers in Bentley’s, and one pulls up to the other and asks “Would you have any Grey Poupon?” It was hilarious in its stupidity. And of course we all made fun of it until it turned from way funny to way annoying.

Apparently Stephen Cox (hehe) of Sandy, UT didn’t get that particular memo. On June 18th in Murray UT (also the home of has-been David Archuleta), a motorist, who, after getting the driver next to him to roll down his window, asked "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Upon hearing the request for said condiment, the 22-year-old driver, Vitaly Kovtun, pulled a handgun from his glove compartment, cocked the weapon and pointed it at the three people in the other car. He then added "Here's your Grey Poupon - roll your fucking windows up!"

Nothing says “Shut your God-damn pie hole idiot” like a gun in the face. Police later found the man, who admitted his long-time hatred of Dijon mustard. He was booked for aggravated assault, but received high praise for scaring the shit out of a couple assholes.

dark night inspires dark tragedy

Mondays are a generally slow night in the peaceful hamlet of Three Rivers, MI. Last Monday however, that peace was woefully shattered by a grisly wake-up call from infamous villain, “The Joker”. The town will never be the same.

Apparently, 20-year old Spencer Taylor thought last Monday would be the perfect opportunity to break out his new “Joker” costume, and wreak havoc on the local movie theater. In his green wig, fancy purple suit, and his face painted as his favorite comic book character (aaawwwww), Mr. Taylor tried to steal movie posters and generally “bust up the place”.

Sadly for Taylor, the 16 year-old girl at the ticket counter felt enough was enough, and restrained him until police arrived. “He kicked and screamed and cried”, said Candy Dofino, “I really felt sorry for the little guy.”

That last part I made up, but I think it’s a funny visual.

Anyhoo, Mr. Taylor has been booked for investigation of larceny and malicious destruction of property. Sorry kid, maybe next time. They may take your freedom, but they can never take your dreams.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A great idea gone horribly wrong...

It has recently come to my attention that my favorite television genre, Reality TV, has of late taken on a much, much darker side. Disturbing images from the past that we had all assumed were dead and gone, are now crawling out from the depths and creating their own reality shows. I offer the following examples as a warning to all Reality TV buffs looking for a new fix.

The Two Coreys
This ridiculous time-waster is set around Corey Haim and Corey Feldman trying to kiss and make-up. They will both be starring in Lost Boys 2, and want to make sure they have that “warm fuzziness” back in their relationship before they start shooting. They actually go to a therapist, where we see the disturbing image of Corey Feldman crying over his lost love, Corey Haim. Can’t we all just get along?

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels, former AquaNet king from the eighties hair-band “Poison”, is entering into his 3rd season of his ongoing search for “true love”. Basically, Bret has developed his own version of “The Bachelor”, where he always gets to be the bachelor. As we are going into season 3, so apparently things haven’t gone so well.

This season, he’s going cross-country on his tour bus with a bunch of well, skanks, trying to get in his pants. As you can see by the pic, Bret has great taste in women - so classy! So when he gives them the boot – does he just drop them at the nearest truck stop? Judging by this photo, they'd probably be able to find work pretty quick...

Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant!
That’s right, Scott Baio has his own reality show, and apparently it’s starting it’s second season. Apparently he knocked up his girlfriend and now their getting married. For shame, Chachi, for shame!!

Other media whores/D-listers with their own reality shows
Christopher Knight, Tori Spelling, Dina and Ali Lohan, Brooke Hogan, George Foreman, the entire cast of “The Surreal Life” including Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), Ron Jeremy (porn star – really gross), Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer (WWF Professional Wrestler), Sandy “Pepa” Denton (of Salt n’ Pepa), Bridgette Nielsen, Vanilla Ice, Robin Leach, Emmanuel Lewis (the midget from “Webster”), Andrea Lowell (Playboy model), C.C. Deville (formerly of hair bands Poison and Warrant).

What is going on?! Scott Baio? Emmanuel Lewis? Vanilla Ice for God’s sake?! It’s like a horrible nightmare about being chased by zombies with big hair and royalty checks – they just won’t die! All I’m saying is, be careful out there.

Friday, July 18, 2008


Courtney Love has lost her mind. This fact is painfully, excruciatingly, outlined on her MySpace blog located here. Here you can truly experience the psychosis that is Courtney Love.

Here’s an introduction to her alter ego, “Cherry Kookoo”, who seems to be responsible for most of her behavior and inane ranting:

“thank you for putting up with my kookoo bananas alter ego should; we give her a name? shoudl we give my alter ego a name? hmnmmmm Cherry! "Cherry kookoo" so if /when im overcome and blog again wich i wont do i took a picture of a friend looking at me rather sternly to remind me not to- well know it was Cherry Kookoo, but i think I've killed her off.”

Apparently this is what happens when Cherry Kookoo comes out when Courtney is blogging:

“give me My bloody Valentine, Fleetwoood Mac, glasvegas ArcadeFire, Abba, Bread, and Joy Divison, and .....yes could I take one more...the Libertines...oh shit I think CHERRY KOO KOO GET OUT OUT OUT you STUPID BITCH, go POSE FOR THE PAPS, TRY RUNNING NAKED OR SOMETHING!! GOD SHE ='s SUCH A FUCKING PEST , I swear to god, shej's obssessed me!!”

There’s an enormous amount of ranting about all the people who have stolen her money, all the fraud she has been subjected to, the assholes at Experian messing with her credit score, and her credit card bills. She loves to point out that all these bloodsuckers are stealing from “her daughter”, not her. Oh – and it seems she’d like to start a lesbian affair with Gwenyth Paltrow.

It is important to note that I have not edited anything (painful as it was) – I wanted to give you a true taste of Courtney’s mastery of the English (I think) language.

What I can’t stress enough is the pure volume of shit – I think it’s called “diarrhea of the mouth”. It goes on and on and on and on. Kind of like this post. Regarding the sweet pic I found, admittedly, I could’ve picked a better shot. But I think this one really shows her inner beauty. So to sum up, she’s fucking nuts.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Jesse Jackson offers support, castration

Jesse Jackson is the latest in a long line of political supporters to open their big fat mouths and become a liability to their politician of choice. His recent comment on his desire to relieve Obama of his nut sack is a prime example. Of course Jesse is known for some interesting sound bytes, including his description of New York as “Hymietown” – a classic.

Why can’t these people keep their mouths shut, or God forbid think before they speak? Is there a contest going on to see who can be the most inflammatory, because every week there’s a new pearl of wisdom that the press is all over like white on rice. Here are a few examples of really stupid comments from this presidential race alone:

Charlie Black, McCain Top Advisor: - “Another terrorist attack on U.S. soil would be a "big advantage" and such an attack "certainly would be a big advantage to him." And Republicans wonder why us Dems look at most Republicans as war-mongers. It must be all in our heads. Speaking of “all in our heads”…

Phil Graham, McCain Economic Advisor: "We have sort of become a nation of whiners," and "You just hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline". "You've heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession." I guess we’re all imagining the skyrocketing price of gas, ridiculous price of food, and the mass layoffs of late. And if they are real, stop fucking whining about it! What a jackass.

Samantha Power, Obama Foreign Policy Aide - "She is a monster, too – that is off the record – she is stooping to anything." I knew I saw horns poking out from under her hair! A bit much, don’t you think? And please, you’re talking to a reporter – nothing’s off the record, dumbass.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Obama’s Pastor: “Hillary is married to Bill, and Bill has been good to us. No he ain’t! Bill did us, just like he did Monica Lewinsky. He was riding dirty.” and this gem "Hillary can never know that. Hillary ain't never been called a nigger." Nice. So if you haven’t been grievously insulted, you are not qualified to hold office. Maybe someone should publicly tell her to always wear a white dress, because the dishwasher should match the fridge. Would that make her worthy? It’s so endearing to hear a man of the cloth fostering peace, harmony and love.

Personally, I think this crap is hilarious, and the hits just seem to keep on comin’. I’m hoping someone will tell Cindy McCain that it would be tacky to let a trophy wife become First Lady.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Bill Clinton - the death of a dream

This article from The Onion (one of the funniest sites out there) tells of Bill Clinton's dashed hopes of becoming first lady. Check it out here. A disturbing view of one man's shattered dreams.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Pringle - neither a potato nor a chip.

Boy do I feel stupid. According to a British judge, Pringles are not in fact potato chips. Apparently, they are something “else”, which as of yet remains undefined. Here is an excerpt of the news article which shattered my long held beliefs about Pringles:

“Pringles don't fulfill the legal definition of "potato crisp," allowing them to be sold tax-free in Britain. Under law, most food is exempt from the 17.5% sales tax. The national tax office claimed that Pringles were covered by an exception for products such as potato chips, sticks or puffs.

Procter & Gamble maintains that the snack isn't a chip because it is cooked from baked dough, not potato slices. Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," said P&G's lawyer. "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." The judge agreed. "Pringles aren't "made from the potato" for the purposes of the tax exemption," he said. He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.

So as it turns out, Pringles aren’t made from potatoes – they’re made from baked dough. I feel completely bamboozled. I do however feel much more informed after reading the definition of a potato chip vs. a Pringle - Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," and "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." Indeed. There are many other things that give a sharp crunchy sensation under the tooth, not all of them good.

And then this – He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.” Excuse me? You don’t know what they are? Unfortunately, this revelation has forced me to rethink the Pringle as one of my favorite snacks, due to its increasingly shady provenance in the junk food community.