Monday, June 30, 2008

solving the mystery that is "The Twinkie"

This week’s pick for “Asinine Website of the Week” is certainly asinine, but hilarious as well. The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project (Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations), ”is a series of experiments conducted during finals week, 1995, at Rice University. The tests were designed to determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie.” Obviously, my interest was piqued.

This website has all the answers to the eternal questions that have haunted Twinkie lovers through the years. Questions such as “what is the maximum density of a Twinkie?” or “what are the rapid oxidation qualities of a Twinkie?”, or the ever-present “what would happen if I dropped a Twinkie from the 6th floor of Lovett College?”.

I was especially impressed with the clinical testing environment in which these trials were held, as well as the proposed applications for each result.

On a darker note, this website also speaks to the dangers of scientists with too much time on their hands. While this “seemingly benign” experimentation on Twinkies seems all well and good, where do we draw the line? Ho-Hos, Moon Pies, Snowballs? Could Grandma’s Apple Pie eventually be subject to the same kind of scrutiny as the unfortunate Twinkie? What type of horrors will be devised for this piece of Americana? I shudder to think of the ramifications.

Anyway, the site is fucking hilarious.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Watch your back DaVinci!

So here it is, the Asinine Website of the Week.

The website, Chindogu, refers to the art of the "unuseless idea." As described by Kenji Kawakami, author of “101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions: The Art of Chindogu”, Chindogu features devices designed to solve all the nagging problems of domestic life.

Chindogu devices are the answer for life’s little conundrums such as, “how can I make my toilet seat feel like real grass?”, or “how can I wear a roll of toilet paper on my head so I don’t run out?”, or the ever-present “I wish I had a fake appendage to practice hand-holding with my new girlfriend – my palms are so sweaty when I’m nervous!”

This is some of the most bizarre crap I’ve ever come across. There are chew counters to keep track of your chewing endurance, a solar powered lighter that includes a magnifying glass, and a noodle eaters hair guard that when worn, makes you appear to be an extra on the set of Jurassic Park. I can’t seem to pick a favorite – it’s a toss up between the 360o Daddy Nurser, or the Outdoor Loo Seat to put me back in touch with nature.

There is a much bigger collection of these gems that can be found at The Chindogu Files. Prepared to be shocked and awed.

Is Mary Murphy the spawn of hell?

In an earlier post about the summer’s upcoming Reality TV line-up, I classified "So You Think You Can Dance” in the “What will probably suck but I’m watching anyway” category. I have to admit, I was wrong.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “that’s just not possible – you’re right about everything!” But being perfect means admitting when you’re not – it is an oxymoron, I know.

But seriously, I love this show. The dancing is really, really good. I actually found myself in tears the other night. Its one near-fatal flaw is Mary Murphy. The screams, the cackles, those bug eyes! And those teeth – My God! They are mutant white. I swear she must gargle with bleach to achieve that glow-in-the-dark look. Do you think America could vote her off?

Aside from Scary Mary, I have definitely found a new favorite. If you appreciate art, you really should check it out.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

imagine my surprise!

I got an email today from Mr. Walter Casper, who is apparently a Director at Worldbank Delegates in West Africa – Nigeria to be specific. Apparently, I have an overdue inheritance of $4.5MM just waiting to be sent to me. Evidently Janet White came into his office a few days ago claiming to be my representative.

Out of obvious concern that I am being duped by the suspicious Ms. White, Mr. Casper would like me to send him my bank information so he can confirm my identity. Otherwise he says, “We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs. White, if we do not hear from you within the next seven working days from today.” Well, geez, I better get right on that.

Who the hell is falling for this?! I’m assuming they must be out there, because this crap keeps coming. I though the threat of being duped by a third party was a nice touch. That and the obvious concern for my welfare. I had no idea there were so many helpful and selfless people in Nigeria!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

How to find love if you're ugly

Welcome to my new series, "Asinine Blog of the Week". It occurred to me how many blogs people are writing these days, and I figured there's got to be some pretty good material out there.

As most of you know, I work in the online dating industry. I came across an online dating site that I think would be perfect for those unfortunate souls who have a harder time than most getting a date. Say for example, those with with extra limbs, unusual facial growths, eyepatches, and unfortunate birth defects. is a lovely personals site to meet inmates looking for love. Including men and women, this seems like the perfect place to meet that special someone.

Take for example Michael Marple, whose interests include country music, reading, crossword puzzles, murder, working out, running, classic cars, good conversation and making new friends. He's looking for someone who can be open minded, honest, sincere and are not interested in playing head games. Now I ask you ladies, does it really get any better than that?

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Twilight series

The Twilight series my Stephenie Meyer was recommended to me by some friends at the office, swearing to me that it “so awesome” and that “I would love it”. This was then followed up with a brief summary of the series – geared towards young adults, a high school student falls in love with a vampire. Jessica was even kind enough to but me a copy for Christmas, however it sat untouched in my bookcase for the next six months.

Some of my favorite books include “Pride & Prejudice” by Jane Austen, “The Lord of the Rings” By R.R. Tolkien, “David Copperfield” by Charles Dickens and “The Dark Tower” series by Stephen King. You can see my hesitation. Not that I’m a book “snob” if you will, but I definitely have my standards. Then another friend recommended it to me as well, with the same raving reviews. So I finished up “The Venetian Betrayal” by Steve Berry, and dug in.

Hooked. Instantly. I started the first book on a Tuesday night, but because of the need to make money for a living, I wasn’t able to complete it until Thursday night. I started the second book, “New Moon” Friday night, and started and finished “Eclipse” on Sunday. The last time I was that wrapped up in a storyline was “The Witching Hour” series by Anne Rice.

Edward Cullen, the big V, is just scrumptious. Bella Swan, his romantic interest, I thought was very believable. Her description of their love and losses however is what got me the most. I bawled almost constantly through “New Moon”. There’s quite a few fans of the series who didn’t like this book, but I truly believe that unless you’ve gone through a horrific loss you won’t be able to identify.

Granted, the writing isn’t Tolkien, but the story is simply awesome. What’s even better, it evoked such emotion for me it was well worth the read. The next and last book in the series, “Breaking Dawn”, is scheduled to be released August 2, 2008. Additionally, Hollywood has picked up Twilight – the move is scheduled to be released 12/12/08.

Here’s a link to the author’s website: Happy reading!

let the games begin

Yesterday was my stepson’s first little league game. Very exciting for all involved. The pre-game show was extremely entertaining, as the “first-years” played something resembling baseball – there were bats, balls and mitts, however when the ball reached the field all the children threw themselves in a pile over the ball. Then a small figure would emerge from the bottom of the pile proudly displaying the baseball he had “caught”. It kind of reminded me of a rugby scrum.

Vinny did awesome. His batting stance made me a bit apprehensive, however he did get off a few good ones. My husband, bless him, was a bit more anxious than was probably necessary. It was brought to his attention by two of us that Vincent’s batting stance could use, well, a lot of help. Both heads were bitten cleanly off. Apparently, Jamie’s manhood will be decided by Vinny’s success or failure in the cut-throat world of T-Ball.

I’m pulling for you honey.

Tatum O'Neil "rescued"

Oh Tatum. You can’t take here anywhere! Because apparently she is drawn to homeless drug dealers who want to sell her coke.

What kills me is the ridiculous crap she was spewing trying to squirm her way out of it. First she tried telling the cops who she was, in an effort to use her lackluster star power to get a break. Then she says she was researching a role. Right.

Then she says the death of her dog prompted her to go out looking for drugs. Is that the best she’s got?

Then she goes on “The Early Show” and says that the police officers who arrested her for drug possession actually “rescued” her. What does that mean? She was saved from buying over-cut blow? According to her however, without the cops, she may gone further down the spiral. I think that ship has sailed.

The local bartender was quoted as saying "It doesn't seem like something you would do if you did not want to get caught. Why would she go on the street to score like that?" Well, at least she’s got the local bartender vouching for her. That should go a long way in court.

suck it up

Apparently being a gynecologist from Chicago means that: a) You are a bitch, and b) you have to talk with a bizarre, snotty tone at all times. I can see that Nicole is the one who is really going to provide me with some great content. That whole business with her refusing to sleep outside – OMG! Then she started referring to herself as Dr. Diva. I thought it was priceless when she found out they were all leaving her on the beach for the night. At least that left her free to find prey in the cover of darkness before turning into a bat.

My husband and I are kind of leaning towards skinny, whiny Bobby as the Mole last night, but now I’m having second thoughts. I think that Mark is also a strong candidate. The man’s a history teacher – in the Carusoe challenge the things he was putting on the table were ridiculous. A Victrola, seriously? It wasn’t even put on the market until 1901.

And let’s face it, anyone who would voluntarily style his hair like that has got to be hiding something.