Why People Make Fun of Marketing

As many of you know, I’ve been working in the Marketing industry for most of my adult life. I’ve seen quite a bit of bad and bizarre marketing and advertising, and these little gems fall decidedly into both. I recently read an article in DM News, normally an extremely boring trade publication, on “unique” mailing lists. Here’s my personal favorites from the top ten weirdest lists they came across:

“Dads Who Throw Turkeys”: What?! This just screams “My Big Redneck Wedding”. Oddly enough, the picture to the right illustrates exactly what I though of. And yes, this is a picture from an actual Turkey Toss COntest in Birmingham Alabama. Note the turkey flying in front of the tree, the belly in mid flight, and the judges table to make sure all is above board.

As it turns out, this list has something to do with bowling. Maybe it’s just me, but perhaps some more though should’ve gone into coming up with a list name that means something to the other 98% of the population.

“Mancation Nation”: This one threw me. What the hell is a “Mancation”, and why would I want to market to people that have them, buy them, sell them, or ingest them? Apparently, an “Mancation” is when dudes from Miller Lite commercials go on a trip to do really manly stuff. Like get really drunk, fart a lot, and kill anything that moves.

“Celebrities”: Sounds innocuous enough. However 48,500 people on the list seems a bit much. Granted, there are many “celebrities” out there (yes Paris I’m talking about you) where we should probably use that term loosely. This list however includes every moron to have every graced the set of a reality TV show. Now that’s loose.


“My Colon MD”: Yikes. I’m thinking a little more “creativity” could have been put into this list to make it a hair more professional, other than “the butt doctor list”. On the other hand the possibilities for people like me are endless. I’d probably go with something like “Doctors Obsessed with Assholes in Medical School”, “Sphincter Specialists”, or my personal favorite “Assholes ‘R Us”.

I mean who in there right mind wouldn't want to "probe the depths" on this guy?

“The Collagen Store”: I’m assuming this is a list of companies that make collagen to be injected into the lips of prima-donnas and porn stars around the world. So, what, do you buy it by the vat? Eeeew.

There you have it – one more pearl from the oyster that is Marketing.

Bill Tweed Revisited

Chicago. Place of my birth, home of the Bears, pizza to die for, and Senate seats up for bid. What more could you ask for?

Rod Blagojevich, as most of you have heard by now, has been caught on tape saying he wanted "to make money'' on the Obama senate appointment. "I have got this thing and it's [bleeping] golden," . It’s good to be king I guess.

And now Jesse Jackson Jr. is coming forward as the infamous "Senate Candidate 5", whose aide approached Blagojevich with a 500K offer for the seat. More shocking however, is that apparently in the past few years he’s been working as an informant in other investigations into Blagojevich. Personally, I’d like that confirmed by the US Attorney’s office.

However Jackson did have a bone to pick with good old Rod. An anonymous Jackson aide said "Blagojevich went out of his way to say, 'You know I was considering your wife for the lottery job and the $25,000 you didn't give me? That's why she's not getting the job,"'. Yikes.

For some reason, to me, the most offensive of all was his attempts to shake down the Tribune Co., threatening to withold the sale of Wrigley Field unless the company fired some of the newspaper's editorial writers who have been less than kind to Blagojevich’s “management style”. Apparently Mr. Blagojevich believes Illinois to be his own little East Berlin.

Al Capone must be rolling over in his grave lamenting “why didn’t I think of that?!” Mario Puzo couldn’t have written it better.

I love deer

If this isn't a case of "brought it on yourself" I don't know what is. This jerk SO had it coming...

"SEDALIA, Mo. – A hunter bagged a big buck on the second day of firearms season, but the kill caused him a lot of pain. Randy Goodman, 49, said he thought two well-placed shots with his .270-caliber rifle had killed the buck on Nov. 19. Goodman said the deer looked dead to him, but seconds later the nine-point, 240-pound animal came to life.

The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what the veteran hunter called "15 seconds of hell." The deer ran a short distance and went down, and died after Goodman fired two more shots."

Oh poor Mr. Goodman going through those terrible 15 seconds of hell. You know what would really suck though, is if you were just chillin' in your house with some Corn-Nuts and soda, and some psycho comes in and shoots you twice with a high powered rifle. Then when you try to fight the bastard off, he shoots you 2 more times.

I'll tell you what, if I had antlers I'd sure as hell use them too.

"Soon Goodman started feeling dizzy and noticed his vest was soaked in blood.

So he reached his truck and drove to a hospital, where he received seven staples in his scalp and was treated for a slight concussion and bruises."

So another proud moment for our neighbors south of the Mason-Dixon. Another good ole' boy gets bloody and bruised by trying to maim, kill and otherwise destroy something for absolutely no good reason. Eye for an eye, that's what I say.

What a jackass.

Here's a a great resource for all my friends in the trade. Apparently they've really got things down to a science in Rio...

A government Web site for Brazil's prostitutes suggests they be prepared to perform fantasies and "offer specialties," among other tips, is going to be toned down, an official said Tuesday.

Prostitution is legal in Brazil and sex worker advocacy groups say the Labor Ministry Web site aims to promote the human rights of prostitutes. But critics say the site goes too far, and its contents have become fodder for Brazilian newspapers.

The site contains such tips as: "demonstrate an ability to perform erotic fantasies," "seduce with affectionate nicknames" and, in a nod to the globalized marketplace, "demonstrate a capacity to communicate in a foreign language."

"The information was created with the help of NGOs and the prostitutes themselves," said a labor ministry spokeswoman, who spoke on condition of anonymity because she wasn't authorized to discuss the topic.

So there you have it boys and girls. If you're looking for tips from the real pros, the Brazilian Government is apparently "the man" when it comes to keeping those tricks-a-turnin'.

Of course there's always Heidi.

Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken

The best movie scene of all time....

Simon's Birthday

Oh my God am I old. Simon Le Bon, former sexpot and Duran Duran front man has turned 50. I thought I was old when “Duran Duran Greatest” came out, but now it’s official. Duran Duran was a main staple at my freshman year dances. And what’s really sad is I remember them like they were last week. And I can’t believe I’m saying “I remember it like it was yesterday”…

How did this happen? Because I don’t remember getting old, I don’t feel old, apparently however my worst fears have come true. Do I have to start buying Metamucil now? Depends, Porcelana, Ben Gay? I’m not ready!

At least some of however know when it's time to hang up the speedos. Yikes.

Pawns and Pasties - oh yeah...

I know I’ve been slacking on my “bizarre websites” series, but this week I found a real gem. The website is the home page for “Coltness Chess and Lap Dance Club”. Yes, you read right. Chess and cheeks – who could ask for more?

Here’s a blurb from their site: “Coltness Chess and Lap Dance Club is a unique concept in entertainment. First established in 1923 the club struggled for many years trying to raise competitive teams with a dwindling membership. In 1998 the newly elected club president, Mike Andover, made radical changes. By combining lap dancing and chess the club was transformed overnight. In its first year of this new format, membership rose from 17 to 203.”

Go figure.

Another endorsement from the site proclaims “The club is also very proud of its dancers. As well as local talent we regularly invite guest dancers from all around the country. We even have celebrity nights and have seen excellent dance routines from the likes of Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson. Each night up to six dancers entertain our players between moves. Chess has never been such fun! Lap Dancing has never required so much concentration.“

This concept is so bizarre – combining the dullest, dorkiest game ever played, with thongs and pasties. However in taking a look at the average chess team, this will probably be the closest that these fine young men will ever come to seeing boobs outside of a TV screen. Bless their hearts.

The site also offers lap dancing tips, puzzles, games, a striptease video, and even a “virtual lapdance” (I was afraid to click on that one).

Who knew? Bobby Fischer, eat your heart out.

Marketing? Deceptive? I don't believe it.

As you all know, the tobacco companies have taking a lot of heat about misleading consumers about the adverse health effects of smoking. Wow is that an understatement.

The Stanford School of Medicine has recently unveiled an exhibit telling the story of how tobacco companies used deceptive and often patently false claims in an effort to reassure the public of the safety of their products.

You have to check this out – unfuckingbelievable. Some of the ridiculous claims in these ads are downright ridiculous.

The ones I've included here are just a few examples. The top pic actually touts cigarettes as an actual remedy for asthma of all things. That's right, asthma. This second one kills me. If you know anything about me, it's that I have a feminist streak a mile wide. It pains me to look at it.

"He's coming home!" Oh dear, I'll put on my best nightgown and do my hair and fix my make up and oh dear do we have enough toilet paper for me to wipe his ass? Ugh...

Circle of Life

Brings a tear to your eye...

McCain's secret plan to save the world

I think I may have judged John McCain unfairly. I’m starting to believe that today’s John McCain is not the tyrannical megalomaniac I have painted him to be. I think John McCain is covertly trying to lose the election, and save us from four more years of corruption and war-mongering.

How, you ask? Meet Gov. Sarah Palin – any presidential candidate’s worst possible choice for VP. Here’s a quick look at her “resume”:

- Ms. Alaska title
- Journalism degree from University of Idaho
- Sportscaster on TV station
- Member of PTA in Wasilla, Alaska, population less than 9,000
- Member of city council in Wasilla
- Mayor of Wasilla, two terms
- Pursued the nomination for Lieutenant Governor, lost
- Won Governorship in Alaska. Less than two years in office

No one in their right mind would want someone this unqualified waiting to step in as president, right?! Surely McCain knows this – which is why he picked her! He must know there is no way he will be elected with this dingbat on his ticket. This way, he can avoid pissing off the GOP, while still delivering this great country of ours into the safe hands of the Democrats.

I mean, here’s a prime example of her ineptitude. She was asked to cite a Supreme Court ruling that she disagreed with, other than Roe v Wade. She could not come up with a single one. Not one. As a Governor, I would think she’d have some idea about this country’s legal evolution. But here’s the real kicker – In May of this year, the Supreme Court refused to act on her own petition to stop polar bears from being added to the endangered species list.

Obviously, you’d think she’d get this one - she wrote brief after brief about it. Apparently, she just froze up. Is that what we can expect of her during international negotiations? Excellent – very reassuring.

The polar bear issue itself also gives us a view of life with Sarah Palin. Some of you may have heard of that pesky “global warming” thing, which right now is melting away the polar bear’s natural habitat. She isn’t even sure that global warming exists at all, and has expressed that if there is any warming, it wasn’t caused by man’s use of fossil fuels. Which is an interesting position to take, as her husband works for British Petroleum. Hmmm. Had her petition succeeded of course, her hubby’s employer would have a lot more land to exploit. Fuck the polar bear.

Anyhoo, I can’t tell you how relieved I am that John McCain is truly the American hero I always thought he was. I had really thought that Mr. McCain had crossed over to the dark side. But now that I know what he’s really up to, I can sleep easier at night. But seriously though, that’s has to be his reason for Palin right? No way he’s dumb enough to pick her and expect to win. That would make him just another ultra-conservative, psychotic GOP clone, wouldn’t it?

Nah.

I'm so outta' here...

Priceless. This is how I imagine Richard Branson as a child.

Losing face

As I’ve said before – I love The Biggest Loser. I love the way it changes peoples lives. I love how they can take a massive lump of human flesh, and turn it into a smokin’ hot adult male. But wow, did they hit a new low last night.

As much as I love the show, there are two things about that have grown increasingly annoying. The first is Allison Sweeny. God is she annoying. She repeats everything at least three times, with obviously contrived interest, and speaks very slowly. As a “famous actress” on “Days of Our Lives” and “Celebrity Mole”, she feels she must take on these characteristics so the cretins she is talking to understand her.

The send is the shameless, brazen product placement. Who walks around the kitchen talking to their friends, “if you use these Ziploc Steam n Lock” bags, you can make your meals for a week. The Ziplock Steam n Lock” backs are perfect for that.” It’s oh, so bad.

Last night however they really stooped to a new low in the drive for ratings. Now, the premise of the show is to lose as much weight as possible. Every week they weigh in, and the 2 married couples/parent-child teams who have gained the least us up for elimination. Everyone else votes, and one team goes home – pretty standard stuff.

Last night they decided that the one and only team who lost the least weight, would have to go back to their rooms and decide which of them will go home. Are you kidding me? So here were with Colleen and here dad Paul, in there room balling there eyes out because neither wants the other to go. Paul FYI, is seriously in the brink of death if he doesn’t lose weight.

Why in God’s name would a show do something like that? I understand it’s a ratings game buy my God, is nothing sacred? It was terrible and shameless. I’ll keep watching because I love the premise, and I love watching these people lose weight and turn their lives around. But shame on these producers – I hate this show.

Have a little self-respect, would ya’ NBC?

When Motown hits CrazyTown

This is priceless. My office peeps are learning the steps...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

George of the Porcelain Jungle

Oh, George ... where will it end? Once again George Michael has been arrested for using a public men’s restroom as his personal den of iniquities. To be fair however, his pants were not around his ankles at the time of arrest.

Evidently our beloved 80’s sexpot found himself in handcuffs yet again after North London police reportedly caught him with marijuana and crack in a public men's bathroom with a reputation as a gay tryst meeting place. Quoting my husband, “He has enough money to build his own fake bathroom, and stock it with whatever men (and drugs apparently) he wants.”

Michael, 45 (can you fucking believe it?), was cautioned by police following the arrest. This marks the fourth drug-related arrest in three years for the 'Faith' and 'Father Figure' singer.

I thought he was doing so well – making a comeback even! He appeared recently on American Idol’s Season Finale, performing with the likes of Seal, Graham Nash, Carrie Underwood and ZZ Top. He also did a few cameos on a now defunct CBS drama. And look how hot he is from the “Faith” album! Apparently, the last 6 months have not been good to George.

All I have to say is find a new office dude. The gig is way up.

Clay Aiken is Gay!?

Who knew?

Another great video

One of my all time favorites:

How to Raise an Idiot

Last night on Leno, we were introduced to the 3 dumbest people in America. That’s what I’d like to think of course, but I’m pretty sure that’s just wishful thinking. He started the show with “JayWalking Allstars” - asking some basic questions to the “man on the street”. These are the pearls of wisdom that got these people this dubious title:

Question to Larissa: “Who are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?”
Answer: “I don’t know. Are they dancers?”

Question to Harmik: “Who is the Vice President?”
Answer: “Uh, I know this – it’s not Dan Quayle – no it’s that other person”

Question - “Who is Nancy Pelosi, why is she famous? She’s the first woman to do something.”
Jannia: “She’s the first woman to do something? Oh. That blows a couple of things I thought about. I think there was a girl that does porn, but she’s not the first.”

So these three political glitterati were brought on for a face-off. Here is a sampling of how that went:

Question – shown a picture of Mahatma Ghandi: Harmik, who is this?
Harmik - That guy who played Mahatma Ghandi – Ben Kingsley

Question - Who succeeded Ronald Regan as President
Larissa - Succeeded meaning…? Came after him? OK. I only know a certain amount of presidents, you know. Just the important ones – I can’t even names the ones that I don’t know.

Question – Where is Red Square?
Jannia – Are we thinking board games here? Um, search me.

Question – I’ll give you two names, who are they? Orville and Wilbur.
Larissa – Redenbacher! Oh no – the plane guys.

Question – Where would you go to find the Space Needle?
Jannia – If it’s the space needle, wouldn’t be in space? (is told it’s on the ground) Oh, oh, Area 51!

Question – What does Condaleeza Rice Do?
Harmik – She tells the president what to do
Jannia – The other woman
Larissa – They brought her up in school one time. She did something wrong. Didn’t she?

Question (shown a picture of John Edwards): Who is this?
Harmik – Yeah he’s an actor – that guy from Twister. Bill Pullman.

It boggles my mind that people like this walk around every day, and somehow manage not to step in front of a bus. To be fair, all 3 of these future politicos are in their early 20’s (not to mention acting students), but come on! How can you not know who the Vice President is!

Well, let’s hope those bus drivers start taking aim – natural selection, baby.

Fall Reality - What to Watch (says me)

The Biggest Loser: Families
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 8PM ET/PT - NBC
NBC has announced The Biggest Loser: Families -- the reality weight-loss series' sixth-season. This installment will be a "family edition" featuring teams consisting of two family members each.

I love this show! I’m so psyched that it’s back. All kidding aside, it’s great watching these people turn their lives around. It almost inspires me to start getting into the fitness thing… almost.

Survivor: Gabon
Premieres on Thursday, September 18 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The seventeenth edition of this long-running reality competition series will mark the debut of CBS' new fall schedule. The rest of the network's schedule won't begin premiering until Monday, September 22, the official start of the 2008-2009 television season.

Thank God it’s back. I love this show. So much to love, so much to make fun of. You’ll definitely be getting updates on this one as the season progresses. Yay!!

The Amazing Race 13
Premiers Sunday, September 28 at 8PM ET/PT - CBS
The Amazing Race's thirteenth season begins at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in late April and concludes in the Portland, OR area. Over the course of 23 days, the teams embark on a 30,000-mile trek that includes visits to Brazil, Bolivia, Russia and India -- as well as the show's first-ever stop in Kazakhstan.

Another one of my favorites. Inevitably there’s a couple that is at each other’s throats through the whole thing – very entertaining. Then there’s the whiner, the team that screws everyone over… Good times.

Top Design
Premieres Wednesday, September 3 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Top Design's second season will be similar to last winter's edition, the contestants will live together in a loft and compete in various design-themed challenges, with the winner receiving a grand prize package of $100,000 and a four-page editorial showcase in Elle Decor magazine.

I love this show. It’s always so much fun to mock other people’s failings. You do get some good ideas from this show, as there a lot of cool designs. But the best part really is making fun of the really ugly stuff.

Secret Millionaire
Premieres on Wednesday, December 3 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
This new reality series follows wealthy Americans as they leave their lavish lifestyles to learn what it's like to try and survive in some of the country's most impoverished neighborhoods.

Episodes will follow the wealthy participants as they go undercover to various impoverished neighborhoods for roughly a week to meet different poverty-stricken people and experience what it's like to live their lifestyle. On the last day of their experience, the millionaires will reveal their true identities to the penniless people and also give at least $100,000 of their own money -- often times more -- to those they've met.

This sounds kind of cool - kind of like “Daddy Warbucks – Hidin’ Out in Harlem”. If I were still living in my first apartment, I probably could’ve been on this show.

Dogtown
Premiers Friday, January 4, at 9 p.m. ET/PT – National Geographic
Dogtown takes viewers inside the grounds to meet the dogs and the team dedicated to ensuring that even the toughest cases survive. This expert team of caregivers has a single mission - to transform hopeless dogs into loving pets.

Abuse or neglect has turned some of these dogs into aggressive animals, and their trip to Dogtown is their last chance for a better life.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch this, but I think it’s great that Nat Geo is airing it. These people don’t get nearly enough of the credit they deserve. Hopefully it will also raise awareness to the need for help in this area. Humans can be real bastards.

And that's my girl Josie - one of my best and oldest friends.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 3

Cash Or Capture
Premieres November 2008 on Sci-Fi
Cash or Capture is a reality competition show that pits a group of contestants against each other for a cash prize, while being stalked by relentless "hunters." Based on a successful Japanese format from Fuji Television, the action takes place over 60 minutes of real time in various landmark locations.

Have we really gotten so desperate for ideas we’re turning to the Japanese?! And who exactly are these “relentless hunters”? Has Sauron unleashed the Nazgul once again? Take the ring Frodo! Take the ring!

Rock of Love Girls: Charm School
Premieres Fall 2008 on VH1
VH1’s Charm School is returning for a second season. While the first season was hosted by Mo’Nique, Sharon Osbourne will be the host for the second season. In the series, Sharon Osbourne will face the challenge of teaching fourteen of the girls from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels how to be more lady-like.

Contestants from both seasons of Rock of Love will live under one roof as they study etiquette, fashion, manners, and moderation. Each week the contestants will undertake a unique lesson and then take a test, which will lead to an expulsion. The last surviving contestant will win a $100,000 prize.

This is priceless. Have you seen these girls? They’re skanks! Every single one of them. And Sharon Osbourne, of all people, is going to teach them to be “lady-like”. That’s right, the lady who married a man who eats bats, and has ingested enough drugs to put Manuel Noriega out of business.

I don’t think I can force myself to watch this, but it sounds hilarious.

Celebrity Rehab 2
Premieres Thursday, Jan. 10, 10PM ET on VH1
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew is a reality show that chronicles the drug and alcohol rehabilitation of several well-knowns trying to rid themselves of the their addictions. Dr. Drew Pinsky will be supervising the celebrities during their inpatient stay at the Pasadena Recovery Center in California.

The eight celebrities checking in are:
- Child star, Jaimee Foxworth of singing group “Heaven Sent,” and tv’s “Family Matters.”
- Crazytown’s lead singer, Seth “Shifty” Binzer.
- UFC Heavyweight Champ, Ricco “Suave” Rodriguez.
- Another Baldwin Brother on reality TV?! Yep, this time it’s Daniel.
- Model Brigitte Nielson.
- Joan Marie Laurer — or you may know her better as buff WWF wrestler, Chyna.
- Porn star Mary Carey.
- Jeff Conaway…yes, that’s hot “Greaser,” Kenicke.
- American Idol season 4 top ten finalist, Jessica Sierra

This looks like it could be very entertaining, or just really, really dumb. Due to the fact that recognize 3 names on this list, I’m gonna’ go with really, really dumb. And yes, that's a picture of the glamorous Bridgette Neilsen.

This would have been so much better with Dr. Ruth.

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst Part 2

The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Premieres Tuesday, September 16 at 10PM ET/PT - Bravo
Bravo has announced The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the latest version of the network's The Real Housewives reality franchise. The Real Housewives of Atlanta will follow a similar format to its Orange County and New York City predecessors and follow five women from “Hotlanta”.

Who the fuck cares about five random ho-bags living in Atlanta?! This platform is the most inane thing I’ve ever seen. Who is watching this? Someone is because this waste of airtime keeps coming back. Kind of like VD.

Dancing with the Stars
Premieres Monday, September 22 at 8PM ET/PT - ABC
The eighth season will hit the floor with 13 celebrities slated to compete on the new season of the top-rated dance contest. This season’s line-up includes Susan Lucci, Toni Braxton, Lance Bass, Cloris Leachman, Kim Kardashian, Ted McGinley, Brooke Burke, NFL champ Warren Sapp and two Olympic athletes: Misty May-Treanor, 2008Olympian, and Maurice Greene, 2000 Olympian. Rounding out the cast are chef Rocco DiSpirito, Cody Linley of "Hannah Montana" and comedian Jeffrey Ross.

So, Frau Blucher is going to be in a dance competition? Well I guess it makes sense. Not only does she exude sexuality, she has moves that make Travolta look like an amateur.

My Big Redneck Wedding
Premieres Saturday, October 4 at 9PM ET/PT. - CMT
CMT has announced My Big Redneck Wedding's second season will hosted by comedian Tom Arnold. Each episode follows a different pair of lovebirds living below the Mason-Dixon Line as they prepare to walk down the aisle and throw a reception.

The premiere will follow Elaine and Bruce as they prepare for their wedding, which includes a shoe-optional service; invitations on paper napkins; a mud pit ceremony at the Horse Hole Mud Bog; and bridesmaids and groomsmen who wear tank tops and cut-off shorts.

Once again, Country Music TV doesn’t fail to disappoint. I wonder if they put together an oral hygiene kit to use as wedding favors. Maybe a coupon to Dr. Dumbley’s Denture Emporium…

Gimme My Reality Show!
Premiers Saturday, October 11 at Midnight – Fox Reality Channel
This show follows a group of D-list reality retreads as they battle each other in various challenges. The ultimate winner will receive his/her own Fox Reality Channel show that will debut next year.

The cast will consist of former American Idol finalist, The Surreal Life housemate and Battle of the Network Reality Stars contestant Ryan Starr; former O.J. Simpson houseguest Kato Kaelin; former The Anna Nicole Show interior decorator Bobby Trendy; former Baywatch actress, The Surreal Life, Celebrity Boot Camp and U.K. Celebrity Big Brother 2006 participant Traci Bingham; Project Runway second-season runner-up Santino Rice; former Breaking Bonaduce co-star Gretchen Bonaduce; and former The Brady Bunch actress Susan Olsen.

Can you imagine a bigger bunch of media whores and assholes assembled on one stage? Definitely one of the worst this season. And how exactly does Kato Kaelin fit in?

Mobile Home Disaster
This show, sadly, appears to be over for the season, but I just couldn’t help myself. Country Music Television, the channel that’s given us “Redneck Dreams”, “Hillbilly Deluxe”, and “Trick My Truck” put this gem out earlier this year.

Basically it’s just like “Extreme Makeover – Home Edition”, except in this show they redecorate your double-wide. And look at the tasteful appointments they’ve made to this lil’ piece o’ heaven!

Fall Reality - Worst of the Worst part 1

My Super Sweet 16 Presents: Exiled!
Premieres Monday, August 25 at 10:30PM ET/PT - MTV
This new reality series sends former “My Super Sweet 16” teens to live with the indigenous tribes of far away countries for the opportunity to add some perspective to their world view.

Each episode will follow one of eight girls who -- at the behest of their parents – has been transplanted to a primitive tribe around the world to experience the lifestyle of the teenage girls who live there year round.

So these spoiled little punk-ass bitches will be sent to live with the natives in a remote jungle. I can already hear the bitching and whining. One word – cannibalism. There’s a reason for it people.

The Rachel Zoe Project
Premiere Monday, September 8 at 11PM ET/PT – Bravo
This new reality series follows celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe and her team of fashion experts as they attempt to take their business to the next level.

The Rachel Zoe Project will offer viewers a behind-the-scenes look at Zoe and her team as they attempt to put Zoe at the forefront of a new business. Zoe and her team are also always trying to ensure she's still able to help her celebrity clients while juggling everything from fashion magazine deadlines to photo shoots.

Who the hell is Rachel Zoe? Yet another biting example that anyone, I mean anyone, can get their own reality show. And what is going on at Bravo? First they get rid of Project Runway, and now this crap. I think all the gays must have resigned and gone to Lifetime.

Hole in the Wall
Premiere Thursday, September 11 at 8PM ET/PT - Fox
Hosted by actress Brooke Burns and TV personality Mark Thompson, each Hole in the Wall episode will follow two teams competing against each other to get through various walls speeding towards them. Their only means of getting through will be different-sized shapes, forcing the contestants to contort their bodies in unison as they either squeeze through or get knocked into a pool below.

So this is a show about people trying to climb through holes in walls. Apparently this show has been a hit in Japan (go figure), the UK and Australia. I'm just not gettin' it.

Solo: Lost at Sea
Premieres Monday, Sept. 15 at 10PM ET/PT – National Geographic Channel
Solo: Lost at Sea, is a series that documents adventurer Andrew McAuley's attempt to become the first person to kayak solo from Australia to New Zealand.

McAuley's journey is documented by a video camera mounted on the bow of his boat, capturing his own words and the strokes of his paddle as he attempted to survive wild storms, circling sharks and an exhausting month of paddling across the Tasman Sea.

Wow, that so doesn’t sound very interesting. “Capturing the strokes of his paddle”? Whoever came up with this show is a stroke.

Australians vow revenge on cocky Britons

BEIJING (Reuters) - Australia's Olympic Committee president, aghast at the sight of Britain above his country in the Olympic medals table, has vowed revenge -- if not now then on British soil in 2012.

"They're certainly serving it up to me," John Coates told a roomful of downcast Australian journalists on Tuesday when asked how to cope with gloating British fans and officials. "Their new-found cockiness has got some substance to it," he added.

Britain, Olympic hosts in 2012, were in third place in the medals table on Tuesday morning, one place and one gold medal ahead of Australia.

Australia and Britain have a strong sporting rivalry, particularly in rugby union and cricket. Australia thrashed the English cricket team 5-0 last year after a rare English success in the previous series.

Coates has similar payback in mind. "I said at the outset, and my sense of pride says, that we can't let them beat us and they may well beat us this time but let's use that as the incentive to get the planning right for our high performance and our attack on London 2012."

Let me start by saying that as an international community, we are all somewhat dismayed that the 2012 Olympics will be hosted by wankers, tossers, slappers, mingers, sods, prats, gits, tarts, slags and chutney ferrets.

I do think however that threatening acts of terrorism against a country over a pansy-ass game of rugby is just wrong. I mean these are “The Good-Will Games”, meant to embrace friendship and diversity! Certainly not the time to start WWIII.

I mean come on - suck it up bitches!

As for you Brits, I’d start fixing up those moats. The Australians are already referring to the Olympics as “Attack on London 2012”. This guy is coming for you, and he wants your ass on the ‘barbie. (stunning, isn't he?)

"Happiest Place on Earth" shows dark side

In a disturbing show of force, Disneyland was surrounded by angry Disney characters calling for blood this Thursday. Those lovable Disney characters who have won the hearts of millions, apparently “have finally had enough” The openly hostile horde complained of hostile work environments, decreasing wages and now greatly reduced benefits.

According to screen legend Robin Hood, Disney has “gone too far” in its recent proposal to the labor union. Disney wants to eliminate the free health plan for new hires, affecting such newcomers as Wall-E, Prince Caspian, and Chloe the Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Also put at risk are contract negotiations with Bolt and Mr. Mittens of the highly anticipated “Bolt the American Dog”, scheduled to be released late 2008. “I just don’t know if I want to be associated with a franchise that treats its talent with such little regard.” said Mr. Mittens. “I have a litter due in less than a month – I need that healthcare!”

Additionally, Disney wants to create a new class of workers who put in less than 30 hours a week. Those part-time workers would receive no sick or vacation pay and not be given holidays. The company also wants to increase the number of hours full-time employees must work before qualifying for the health plan.

“Where will it end?” exclaimed Ariel of “Little Mermaid” fame. “We can only give so much of ourselves. I’ve been putting in over 60 hours a week with this ‘Disney Princess’ bullshit, and I’m completely tapped!”. She also added “Hell, I should be getting a raise for putting up with that pretentious bitch Snow White for the last 5 years. Princess my ass”.

Disney spokeswoman Lisa Haines said Disney and the union are in negotiations and nothing has been finalized. "Clearly we're disappointed that Unite Here Local 681 has spent more time protesting," she said. "Publicity stunts are not productive and are extremely disruptive to the resort district."

Mickey Mouse, co-founder of Disney, could not be reached for comment.

Why ugly people shouldn't go to China

Hopefully most of you were able to watch the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. If you’ve read my recent posts, you are aware of some of the extremes China has gone to for the big show. Things like shipping out the homeless and asking their citizens not to pee in public are two good examples of this “commitment to excellence”.

I thought I had heard it all, until I came across this story.

Remember that precious little girl in pigtails who sang that beautiful song as the flag was carried into the stadium? Yea - she lip-synched the entire thing. The voice we heard was that of Yang Peiyi, who has a chubby face and uneven teeth. Way too ugly to be seen in public. I mean look at her - she's hideous!

“The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feelings, and expression," said Chen Qigang, the general music designer of the ceremony. "The reason why little Yang was not chosen to appear was because we wanted to project the right image, we were thinking about what was best for the nation," Chen said in an interview that appeared briefly on the news website Sina.com (right before it was apparently wiped from the Internet in China - hmmm).

Apparently the final decision to go Milli Vanilli was made after a senior member of China's ruling Communist Party politburo attended a rehearsal. "He told us there was a problem that we needed to fix it, so we did," he said, without disclosing further details of the order.

It’s a good thing Mick Jagger wasn’t born in China.

As if that weren’t enough, organizers have also admitted that those really cool “live” pictures of “firework footprints” Tiananmen Square to the Olympic stadium in were actually partly computer-generated or pre-recorded for TV.

Wang Wei of the organizing committee insisted the fireworks had actually exploded on the night and that most of the television images used were genuine. "However, because of the poor visibility of the night some previously recorded foots may have been used," he said. Maybe they were obscured by Beijing’s unique “oxygen to crap ratio” hanging in the atmosphere.

I can not tell you how disappointed I am. I wonder what schmuck had to tell Yang Peiyi that she was too ugly to be on camera, so a prettier girl will go instead. And even better, that prettier girl will be pretending to sing with your perfect voice, so she’ll be even more perfect. We want the ceremony to be perfect, don’t we?

I hope the Chinese government offered to pay for the lifetime’s worth of counseling she’s going to need.

Sanitized for your protection

The last 2 articles I’ve written on this have well, bashed the Chinese for their intolerant policies regarding “foreigners” in their country. So I thought I’d talk about some of the things China is doing to make your stay as comfortable as possible.

With an eye towards the aesthetic, Beijing is rounding up all petitioners (beggars), the homeless, and migrant workers. These “less desirables” are being offered (forcibly) free transportation to anywhere other than Beijing. The just don’t look good on camera.

Chinese officials have also provided its citizens a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” when around company – here’s just a few:
- DO throw your garbage in an actual garbage can
- DON’T urinate in public
- DO give directions to the nearest restaurant if asked
- DON’T give directions to the nearest restaurant serving dog

Some other etiquette tips China offers as good advice include: "Don't ask about income or expenses, don't ask about age, don't ask about love life or marriage, don't ask about health, don't ask about someone's home or address, don't ask about personal experience, don't ask about religious beliefs or political views, don't ask what someone does for a living". The government has campaigned against public urination, smoking, spitting, queue-jumping, littering and even speaking loudly in public. Apparently the government trusts it's own citizens to behave less than it does the tourists.

Alarming translations abound in Chinese restaurants are being given a linguistic makeover. The traditionally named "husband and wife's lung slice" appetizer which is being replaced by the more appealing "beef and ox tripe in chili sauce," which sounds just as yummy! And for the first time in Beijing: public toilets will have toilet paper and eateries have health and sanitation standards. Talk about pulling out all the stops!

Olympic volunteers have also been briefed on how to handle disabled athletes. This is an excerpt from the original handbook, which has since been revised. I can't imagine why:

"[Disabled people] show no differences in sensation, reaction, memorization and thinking mechanism from other people, but they might have unusual personalities because of disfigurement and disability. For example, some physically disabled are isolated, unsocial, and introspective; they usually do not volunteer to contact people," and "They can be stubborn and controlling; they may be sensitive and struggle with trust issues. Sometimes they are overly protective of themselves, especially when they are called crippled or paralysed." Those cripples are so over-sensitive! Can you feel the love here?

I really, really hope these Olympics are the best ever. I just question why a country with such abhorrent human rights policies would be allowed to host an international event designed to celebrate diversity, not crush it out with an iron fist. Personally, I really don't feel like they deserved the honor, due to their past and present behavior.

My hope is to hear Richard Gere scream out "Free Tibet!" in a quiet moment of the Opening Ceremony. Just to see what happens - just for shits and giggles.

"The Tomb" by F. Paul Wilson

I was recently introduced to this series by a friend of mine, and am pretty much hook. “The Tomb” (later renamed the “The Last Rakosh”) is the first of the “Repairman Jack” series. Repairman Jack is kind of like a cross between “The Equalizer” and “Indiana Jones”, but way more human and down to earth. The title “Repairman” doesn’t refer to appliances as much as it does righting wrongs done to his clients.

This book starts with the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend’s elderly aunt, and of course Jack is happy to help the woman he is still in love with. What develops is a mystery surrounding familial legacies, vendettas, legends and myths going back almost 200 years. After you get through the character development in the first few paragraphs, it picks up and keeps going.

F. Paul Wilson is known for his supernatural thrillers, and has gotten pretty good at it. “Jack” is a very likeable character that you can really identify with, as are the ancillary characters. Other than the slow beginning, the plot is fast-moving and keeps you guessing. There are some really good twists.

Happy reading!

"The Host" by Stephanie Meyer

"The Host" comes out right on the heels of the hugely successful "Twilight Series", but don't pick this up if you're looking for a sequel. This is a completely different work written in a more sophisticated style, and the storyline is much more complex and engaging.

The story revolves around alien parasites who have quietly taken over The Earth. Fantastic, I know - not usually my cup of tea either. The main characters are a woman who has been taken over by one of these aliens, and the alien that has taken her over. It's very bizarre dynamic, but really kind of cool if you think about it.

The "host" personality draws the alien into her memories, thoughts and feelings, and also makes her opinions well known to her captor. Obviously, she's less than happy with her situation. More insistent however are her thoughts and feelings about the love of her life that she was forced to leave behind. Between the two of them, they try and find their way back.

The characters we so well developed, I found myself painfully attached to them throughout the entire book. I cried my eyes out with sympathy, horror and anger through the whole thing. I loved the writing, the plot was great, and it's a storyline that I thought was completely unique. This is one of those books that really makes you think.

If it doesn't sound like something you'd like or normally read, try it anyway. My husband forced this book on my and I am so glad he did. Loved it!

How to fit in

BOCOG (the Beijing Organizing Committee of the Olympic Games) has announced a list of 57 “Rules for Foreigners”, presented in a Q&A format. Here’s a few choice picks representative of the warm reception you can expect in Beijing:

• Some parts of the country are closed to visitors -- specifically Tibet.
• Olympic tickets are no guarantee of a visa to enter China. Visas seem to be harder and harder to get – it’s almost like they don’t want us there…
• Don’t plan on camping out – you will be considered homeless. They don’t want you to disturbing their “civilized” appearance.
• Plan on carrying your passport with you everywhere. This way they can “examine” the passports at any time. You know, like in Nazi Germany.
• It is prohibited to wave banners of any religious, political or ethnic slogans, banners and other items. Leave your “Free Tibet” posters at home.
• Don’t get drunk in public, or you will be “dealt with”
• Don’t bring into China “anything detrimental to China’s politics, economy, culture or moral standards, including printed material, film negatives, photos, records, movies, tape recordings, videotapes, optical discs and other items.” And yes, that includes the Judas Priest LP’s you were planning on bringing.

• All rallies, demonstrations and marches, at athletic sites or anywhere else, are also banned during the Games unless approved in advance by public security agencies (like that’s going to happen), a longstanding policy in China even when no Games or other big events are being held. So basically, all you have to do is ask permission to protest, and you can! Right.
• All public swimming pools in Shanghai will check shampoos and body wash. As every good Chinese citizen knows, us Interlopers are pretty filthy.

Now, I understand China’s desire to keep the status quo. The problem is their idea of “status quo” is a long way off from the rest of the worlds. Not every government monitors and censors it citizens with an iron fist. And some of these absurd “common sense” rules are downright insulting. Really, we have to bathe!? Those darn Communists!

Leave the Valtrex at Home...

I love the Olympics. I love the competition, I love routing for my country, and appreciate the talent it takes to get there. Most of all, I love the sense of warmth and good-will that is generated by the Olympics. However, I think my impression of the Olympics as a whole is about to change. This article is the first of a series that should give an idea of what to expect from “the host country” for these Olympics.

On Monday, the organizers of the Beijing Olympics issued its “Six categories of laowai (foreigners) who will be banned from entering China.” Most of them make sense, relating to terrorist activities, selling drugs, etc. There are a few in particular however that seem a bit much.

Here’s the complete list:
1 Foreigners who have already been deported by the government (unless you have been deported and already served your three-year ban… then you’re free to re-apply for a visa – no guarantees though, obviously)
2 Foreigners who have the potential to conduct terrorist operations, violence, or to plan to “overthrow the government”
3 Foreigners considered to have the potential to smuggle or sell drugs or engage in prostitution (closing Maggie’s was a good first step)
4 Have a psychological disorder or other disease such as leprosy, tuberculosis, or a “sexual illness”
5 Foreigners who can not afford expenses during their stay in Beijing
6 Foreigners who are considered to have the potential to endanger the state security and state interests

Number 5 is one of my favorites - “Foreigners who can not afford expenses during their stay in Beijing”. It’s just so ridiculous! Do they really think the world’s indigent have saved up for a ticket to China to go beg there? Why would someone go to the Olympics of all things of they were flat broke? And is this concern really in the same league with terrorist acts?

I also liked #3, “Foreigners considered to have the potential to smuggle or sell drugs or engage in prostitution”. Does that mean if you dress like a tramp or wear lots of gold chains they won’t let you in? What exactly do they mean by “potential”?

Obviously, the most disturbing is #4. Psychological disorder? Sexual illness? And who the hell has leprosy any more? I can’t believe that these issues are looked upon with such derision by the Chinese that they would ban people sealing with these things them from the Olympics. And how exactly will this be enforced - are they going to pat me down for Valtrex? Will I be searched for Prozac? Or maybe it will be on the honor system.

To me, this is a clear representation of how the Chinese view the rest of the world. Beggars, thieves, depraved, crazy and diseased – Why did they sign up for this if it meant letting in the riff-raff from outside their precious borders? I really think the IOC had it's head up it's ass when this decision was made, and think it's going to blow up in their faces.

Just remember all you lepers out there, China is on to your rotting asses!

grumpy old men

What’s happened to John McCain? He started this race as an honorable statesman and war-hero, with the highest respect from his peers. Going into this race, I remember thinking “if it has to be a Republican, I would want it to be John McCain.” Not so much anymore.

This morning I got to see Mr. McCain’s latest campaign ad, comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears - all celebrity and no substance. Apparently they are trying to take Obama’s popularity and turn it into a vice. But, don’t all political candidates want to be popular? Isn’t that how they get elected? Doesn’t McCain want the public to like him, or does he even care?

Within hours of that gem, he flat-out accused Obama of “playing the race card”. Seriously!? I can’t think of anything more desperate or cliché to throw into a political campaign. This came in response to Obama stating that Republicans would try and scare the public by saying things like "`he's (Obama) not patriotic enough, he's got a funny name,' you know, `he doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.`” McCain sounds more and more desperate every time he opens his mouth.

And then there’s all the viral bullshit floating around. There was a heart-warming memo about the many, many virtues of Cindy McCain, supposedly written by an “objective observer”. Of course it doesn’t talk about how she is a recovering drug addict, and stole said drugs from a charitable organization to feed her habit. In a not-so-strange coincidence, this came out right about the time Michelle Obama was being bashed for saying she was finally proud of her government. Hmmm...

Another memo, again supposedly from a concerned citizen trying to inform the masses, on the evils of Barack Obama: he’s a radical Muslim, he refuses to recite the pledge of allegiance, he was sworn into Senate on the Quran instead of the bible… It goes on and on with outright, confirmed falsehoods. I wonder where this stuff comes from…

The last straw came for me this morning, when my Republican friend sent me a video comparing Barack Obama to Fidel Castro. They were both young and promised change, therefore Obama will become a dictator and turn us into a communist state. You can watch it here. If this isn’t a ridiculous case of grabbing at straws, I don’t know what is.

So what has happened to John McCain? He was an honorable, likeable, moderate Republican that had promise. Certainly, any honor he had is long gone. He’s become a desperate, angry old man, trying to mask his own unpopularity by spewing lies and ridiculous innuendo. And yes, I applaud Obama for taking the high road. He’s not handing out mud pies, he’s barely recognizing the ones being thrown at him.

Is it November yet?

Condiment request turns ugly

Remember that ridiculous commercial with the 2 geezers in Bentley’s, and one pulls up to the other and asks “Would you have any Grey Poupon?” It was hilarious in its stupidity. And of course we all made fun of it until it turned from way funny to way annoying.

Apparently Stephen Cox (hehe) of Sandy, UT didn’t get that particular memo. On June 18th in Murray UT (also the home of has-been David Archuleta), a motorist, who, after getting the driver next to him to roll down his window, asked "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Upon hearing the request for said condiment, the 22-year-old driver, Vitaly Kovtun, pulled a handgun from his glove compartment, cocked the weapon and pointed it at the three people in the other car. He then added "Here's your Grey Poupon - roll your fucking windows up!"

Nothing says “Shut your God-damn pie hole idiot” like a gun in the face. Police later found the man, who admitted his long-time hatred of Dijon mustard. He was booked for aggravated assault, but received high praise for scaring the shit out of a couple assholes.

dark night inspires dark tragedy

Mondays are a generally slow night in the peaceful hamlet of Three Rivers, MI. Last Monday however, that peace was woefully shattered by a grisly wake-up call from infamous villain, “The Joker”. The town will never be the same.

Apparently, 20-year old Spencer Taylor thought last Monday would be the perfect opportunity to break out his new “Joker” costume, and wreak havoc on the local movie theater. In his green wig, fancy purple suit, and his face painted as his favorite comic book character (aaawwwww), Mr. Taylor tried to steal movie posters and generally “bust up the place”.

Sadly for Taylor, the 16 year-old girl at the ticket counter felt enough was enough, and restrained him until police arrived. “He kicked and screamed and cried”, said Candy Dofino, “I really felt sorry for the little guy.”

That last part I made up, but I think it’s a funny visual.

Anyhoo, Mr. Taylor has been booked for investigation of larceny and malicious destruction of property. Sorry kid, maybe next time. They may take your freedom, but they can never take your dreams.

A great idea gone horribly wrong...

It has recently come to my attention that my favorite television genre, Reality TV, has of late taken on a much, much darker side. Disturbing images from the past that we had all assumed were dead and gone, are now crawling out from the depths and creating their own reality shows. I offer the following examples as a warning to all Reality TV buffs looking for a new fix.

The Two Coreys
This ridiculous time-waster is set around Corey Haim and Corey Feldman trying to kiss and make-up. They will both be starring in Lost Boys 2, and want to make sure they have that “warm fuzziness” back in their relationship before they start shooting. They actually go to a therapist, where we see the disturbing image of Corey Feldman crying over his lost love, Corey Haim. Can’t we all just get along?

Rock of Love
Bret Michaels, former AquaNet king from the eighties hair-band “Poison”, is entering into his 3rd season of his ongoing search for “true love”. Basically, Bret has developed his own version of “The Bachelor”, where he always gets to be the bachelor. As we are going into season 3, so apparently things haven’t gone so well.

This season, he’s going cross-country on his tour bus with a bunch of well, skanks, trying to get in his pants. As you can see by the pic, Bret has great taste in women - so classy! So when he gives them the boot – does he just drop them at the nearest truck stop? Judging by this photo, they'd probably be able to find work pretty quick...

Scott Baio is 46… and Pregnant!
That’s right, Scott Baio has his own reality show, and apparently it’s starting it’s second season. Apparently he knocked up his girlfriend and now their getting married. For shame, Chachi, for shame!!

Other media whores/D-listers with their own reality shows
Christopher Knight, Tori Spelling, Dina and Ali Lohan, Brooke Hogan, George Foreman, the entire cast of “The Surreal Life” including Verne Troyer (Mini-Me), Ron Jeremy (porn star – really gross), Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer (WWF Professional Wrestler), Sandy “Pepa” Denton (of Salt n’ Pepa), Bridgette Nielsen, Vanilla Ice, Robin Leach, Emmanuel Lewis (the midget from “Webster”), Andrea Lowell (Playboy model), C.C. Deville (formerly of hair bands Poison and Warrant).

What is going on?! Scott Baio? Emmanuel Lewis? Vanilla Ice for God’s sake?! It’s like a horrible nightmare about being chased by zombies with big hair and royalty checks – they just won’t die! All I’m saying is, be careful out there.

lovesick

Courtney Love has lost her mind. This fact is painfully, excruciatingly, outlined on her MySpace blog located here. Here you can truly experience the psychosis that is Courtney Love.

Here’s an introduction to her alter ego, “Cherry Kookoo”, who seems to be responsible for most of her behavior and inane ranting:

“thank you for putting up with my kookoo bananas alter ego should; we give her a name? shoudl we give my alter ego a name? hmnmmmm Cherry! "Cherry kookoo" so if /when im overcome and blog again wich i wont do i took a picture of a friend looking at me rather sternly to remind me not to- well know it was Cherry Kookoo, but i think I've killed her off.”

Apparently this is what happens when Cherry Kookoo comes out when Courtney is blogging:

“give me My bloody Valentine, Fleetwoood Mac, glasvegas ArcadeFire, Abba, Bread, and Joy Divison, and .....yes could I take one more...the Libertines...oh shit I think CHERRY KOO KOO GET OUT OUT OUT you STUPID BITCH, go POSE FOR THE PAPS, TRY RUNNING NAKED OR SOMETHING!! GOD SHE ='s SUCH A FUCKING PEST , I swear to god, shej's obssessed me!!”

There’s an enormous amount of ranting about all the people who have stolen her money, all the fraud she has been subjected to, the assholes at Experian messing with her credit score, and her credit card bills. She loves to point out that all these bloodsuckers are stealing from “her daughter”, not her. Oh – and it seems she’d like to start a lesbian affair with Gwenyth Paltrow.

It is important to note that I have not edited anything (painful as it was) – I wanted to give you a true taste of Courtney’s mastery of the English (I think) language.

What I can’t stress enough is the pure volume of shit – I think it’s called “diarrhea of the mouth”. It goes on and on and on and on. Kind of like this post. Regarding the sweet pic I found, admittedly, I could’ve picked a better shot. But I think this one really shows her inner beauty. So to sum up, she’s fucking nuts.

Jesse Jackson offers support, castration

Jesse Jackson is the latest in a long line of political supporters to open their big fat mouths and become a liability to their politician of choice. His recent comment on his desire to relieve Obama of his nut sack is a prime example. Of course Jesse is known for some interesting sound bytes, including his description of New York as “Hymietown” – a classic.

Why can’t these people keep their mouths shut, or God forbid think before they speak? Is there a contest going on to see who can be the most inflammatory, because every week there’s a new pearl of wisdom that the press is all over like white on rice. Here are a few examples of really stupid comments from this presidential race alone:

Charlie Black, McCain Top Advisor: - “Another terrorist attack on U.S. soil would be a "big advantage" and such an attack "certainly would be a big advantage to him." And Republicans wonder why us Dems look at most Republicans as war-mongers. It must be all in our heads. Speaking of “all in our heads”…

Phil Graham, McCain Economic Advisor: "We have sort of become a nation of whiners," and "You just hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline". "You've heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession." I guess we’re all imagining the skyrocketing price of gas, ridiculous price of food, and the mass layoffs of late. And if they are real, stop fucking whining about it! What a jackass.

Samantha Power, Obama Foreign Policy Aide - "She is a monster, too – that is off the record – she is stooping to anything." I knew I saw horns poking out from under her hair! A bit much, don’t you think? And please, you’re talking to a reporter – nothing’s off the record, dumbass.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Obama’s Pastor: “Hillary is married to Bill, and Bill has been good to us. No he ain’t! Bill did us, just like he did Monica Lewinsky. He was riding dirty.” and this gem "Hillary can never know that. Hillary ain't never been called a nigger." Nice. So if you haven’t been grievously insulted, you are not qualified to hold office. Maybe someone should publicly tell her to always wear a white dress, because the dishwasher should match the fridge. Would that make her worthy? It’s so endearing to hear a man of the cloth fostering peace, harmony and love.

Personally, I think this crap is hilarious, and the hits just seem to keep on comin’. I’m hoping someone will tell Cindy McCain that it would be tacky to let a trophy wife become First Lady.

Bill Clinton - the death of a dream

This article from The Onion (one of the funniest sites out there) tells of Bill Clinton's dashed hopes of becoming first lady. Check it out here. A disturbing view of one man's shattered dreams.

The Pringle - neither a potato nor a chip.

Boy do I feel stupid. According to a British judge, Pringles are not in fact potato chips. Apparently, they are something “else”, which as of yet remains undefined. Here is an excerpt of the news article which shattered my long held beliefs about Pringles:

“Pringles don't fulfill the legal definition of "potato crisp," allowing them to be sold tax-free in Britain. Under law, most food is exempt from the 17.5% sales tax. The national tax office claimed that Pringles were covered by an exception for products such as potato chips, sticks or puffs.

Procter & Gamble maintains that the snack isn't a chip because it is cooked from baked dough, not potato slices. Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," said P&G's lawyer. "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." The judge agreed. "Pringles aren't "made from the potato" for the purposes of the tax exemption," he said. He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.

So as it turns out, Pringles aren’t made from potatoes – they’re made from baked dough. I feel completely bamboozled. I do however feel much more informed after reading the definition of a potato chip vs. a Pringle - Potato chips "give a sharply crunchy sensation under the tooth and have to be broken down into jagged pieces when chewed," and "It is totally different with a Pringle, indeed a Pringle is designed to melt down on the tongue." Indeed. There are many other things that give a sharp crunchy sensation under the tooth, not all of them good.

And then this – “He didn't say what Pringles are, other than that they're tax-exempt.” Excuse me? You don’t know what they are? Unfortunately, this revelation has forced me to rethink the Pringle as one of my favorite snacks, due to its increasingly shady provenance in the junk food community.

solving the mystery that is "The Twinkie"

This week’s pick for “Asinine Website of the Week” is certainly asinine, but hilarious as well. The T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S. Project (Tests With Inorganic Noxious Kakes In Extreme Situations), ”is a series of experiments conducted during finals week, 1995, at Rice University. The tests were designed to determine the properties of that incredible food, the Twinkie.” Obviously, my interest was piqued.

This website has all the answers to the eternal questions that have haunted Twinkie lovers through the years. Questions such as “what is the maximum density of a Twinkie?” or “what are the rapid oxidation qualities of a Twinkie?”, or the ever-present “what would happen if I dropped a Twinkie from the 6th floor of Lovett College?”.

I was especially impressed with the clinical testing environment in which these trials were held, as well as the proposed applications for each result.

On a darker note, this website also speaks to the dangers of scientists with too much time on their hands. While this “seemingly benign” experimentation on Twinkies seems all well and good, where do we draw the line? Ho-Hos, Moon Pies, Snowballs? Could Grandma’s Apple Pie eventually be subject to the same kind of scrutiny as the unfortunate Twinkie? What type of horrors will be devised for this piece of Americana? I shudder to think of the ramifications.

Anyway, the site is fucking hilarious.

Watch your back DaVinci!

So here it is, the Asinine Website of the Week.

The website, Chindogu, refers to the art of the "unuseless idea." As described by Kenji Kawakami, author of “101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions: The Art of Chindogu”, Chindogu features devices designed to solve all the nagging problems of domestic life.

Chindogu devices are the answer for life’s little conundrums such as, “how can I make my toilet seat feel like real grass?”, or “how can I wear a roll of toilet paper on my head so I don’t run out?”, or the ever-present “I wish I had a fake appendage to practice hand-holding with my new girlfriend – my palms are so sweaty when I’m nervous!”

This is some of the most bizarre crap I’ve ever come across. There are chew counters to keep track of your chewing endurance, a solar powered lighter that includes a magnifying glass, and a noodle eaters hair guard that when worn, makes you appear to be an extra on the set of Jurassic Park. I can’t seem to pick a favorite – it’s a toss up between the 360o Daddy Nurser, or the Outdoor Loo Seat to put me back in touch with nature.

There is a much bigger collection of these gems that can be found at The Chindogu Files. Prepared to be shocked and awed.